8. Not Having Sex With Bros (sometimes)

22 Feb

It’s 2am and you’re hanging outside the bar thinking of ways to distract yourself from eating while on your #5 diet, even though the pizza place is across the street and you’re just below blackout. Then you see him standing across the street: the self-proclaimed “bro.”

The bro’s goal for the night is to fuck the hottest betch around, who, let’s face it, is you (thanks for the heads up Bros Like This Site!!). He motions for you to come over. As a true betch you’re not going for that shit, and you scream that if he wants to talk to you he can cross the fucking street.

He obviously does.

The two of you start talking when he mentions that he has weed. OMG, yes, I love blunts!!! The thought entices you enough to go back to his place, smoke and watch Knocked Up. Ahhh Paul Rudd!!! Love him too!! In addition, this is a great way to avoid #5 eating, at least for an hour. In your drunken state, it’s the perfect activity.

You go back, smoke a little weed, and this bro obviously starts to make out with you. You’re almost drunk/high enough and are considering having sex with him. At least it’ll be a workout!

Then you snap out of it and realize who you are. You’re a betch, and it will take more than a blunt and a ride in his BMW to conquer this shit. As a betch you realize that while bros rule the world (yeah, betches are secure enough in their awesomeness to admit it, who do you think you’re marrying anyway?), betches have the power to not have sex with them. Even their daddy’s money can’t get you to put out. As he tries to put his hand down your pants you yawn and say that you’ve got a super early group meeting and you’re so sorry and thanks for the blunt and you have to go. As if I’d ever go to any group meeting before noon. Bye.

See, the difference between your average slut and a betch is that a betch doesn’t just use her hotness to get laid, she uses it to manipulate the bros who think they’re in charge. Hellloooo just look at history! Anne Boleyn got her betchy ass to be Queen of England simply by not putting out to the ultimate asshole bro, Henry VIII.

This is not to say betches don’t love having sex, but unlike bros, our vaginas aren’t attached to our brains. Except sometimes if you had too many shots, and were so drunk that you actually had that beer to put you over, you might end up fucking him anyway… in that case it’s always fun to do a prank call with your betches a few weeks later telling him you’re knocked up and are gonna need about 18 years of child support.

38 Responses to “8. Not Having Sex With Bros (sometimes)”

  1. girls suck March 22, 2011 at 3:53 pm #

    you dumb broads are all whores, this site is fucking lame. bros fucking rule

    • Sorry to tell you March 29, 2011 at 3:19 pm #

      well you’re not a bro because you’re clearly gay

    • BetchesRule April 9, 2011 at 1:19 pm #

      GTFO fagbag.

    • #AlwaysWinning April 11, 2011 at 8:37 pm #

      you obviously don’t get laid… at all. so don’t take your hatred out on the rest of us who do- use your hand and figure it out- you’ll be a much happier person

    • MALES are Rats April 13, 2011 at 8:57 pm #

      Shut up you stupid horny bat

      • sup betch June 12, 2011 at 6:37 pm #


    • Dan July 9, 2011 at 4:24 pm #

      This comment made me laugh harder than anything else on the page. Everyone knows a betch’s goal is to bang a bro. Where’s #78 (cooking) or #46 (doing laundry)?

  2. ChelseaWannabe March 28, 2011 at 3:36 am #

    Except that Anne Boleyn got her head chopped off 3 years later…

  3. Mark March 30, 2011 at 4:13 pm #

    Wow. Woman are so stupid. She was his second wife of six, and was his slut on the side until then. She gave birth to a girl and had a couple more subsequent miscarriages. Henry had her executed on speculation alone because he saw the opportunity to get rid of her without legal consequence. Henry wanted a male heir to his thrown so he tore through wives faster than donald trump. He even caused a huge split in the church because he essentially told the pope to fuck off and hell marry whomever and whenever he wants without his approval. Where you learned history lord knows but your dumb as shit. You said “our vaginas aren’t attached to our brains.” Does this mean that my penis has more intelligence than your brain? If you’re going to try to do a run off of broslikethissite at least make it funny and at least moderately historically accurate. You’re a typical dumb “betch.”

    • Lindsay March 30, 2011 at 7:04 pm #

      It’s “you’re”, my friend.
      Maybe check your grammar before ripping apart what others have to say.

      • Anonymous April 3, 2011 at 11:00 am #

        And Mark, it’s “Women”, plural.

      • bb August 21, 2011 at 6:48 pm #

        commas go inside of quotations.

    • malibu April 13, 2011 at 5:35 pm #

      sorry ladies, as much as i love this site.. mark totally nailed it. and pointing out minor grammatical flaws in his argument doesn’t make it any less valid…get it together betches.

    • TK May 13, 2011 at 11:16 am #

      Someone has been watching The Tudors…

    • Maddy May 26, 2011 at 4:28 pm #

      You fucking retard, Anne Boleyn wasn’t a slut on the side. I studied the Tudors, I know my shit. She = ultimate betch. Sorry you’re so fucking butthurt.

    • The Indestructible マシンガン June 23, 2011 at 1:29 am #

      Ouch. When was the last time you got any? By a woman. Not by yourself.

      Just curious.

    • Megan June 30, 2011 at 9:11 pm #

      Ironic… Anne Boelyn’s daughter Queen Elizabeth I ruled England for 44 years before her death and her rein is considered one of the most glorious in England’s history.

  4. bro April 18, 2011 at 8:48 pm #

    Lets be honest. No girl can ever resist a true bro. thats where youre wrong.

    • ANT July 23, 2011 at 6:47 am #

      See above post, bro. Queen Elizabeth I, perhaps the queen of all betches, left a mobius strip of scorned suitors that came from all around the world to take her hand in marriage, thereby denying the reign of a King. As queen, Elizabeth I turned down the overwhelming proposals and bribes of many politicians, poets, and the likes of Sir Walter Ralegh.

      She resisted the Renaissance man: the contemporary synonym would be bro.

      And you, bro, will unfortunately still get women, until perhaps your waning beer belly eclipses your penis (it is an impending and indubitable matter) and when women realize that you are a wanker.

  5. stating the obvious April 19, 2011 at 8:28 pm #

    Ummm. As soon as the ‘betch’ started giving us a history lesson she (they’re still she’s right?) she lost all of her ‘betchiness’.

    A hot bitch is still a bitch, not a betch.

  6. stating the obvious April 19, 2011 at 8:33 pm #

    And if we’re commenting on grammar… “This is not to say betches don’t love having sex, but unlike bros, our vaginas aren’t attached to our brains.”

    There is a misplaced modifier. You’re implying that bro’s have vaginas, and the only difference between the sexes is that male vagina’s are attached to the head…

    Not sure how the betch anatomy works, but males have penises not vaginas, and they’re located in the same place across both sexes.

    • The Indestructible マシンガン June 23, 2011 at 1:32 am #

      Pointing that out doesn’t prove anything. You’re supposed to assume men have penises…hopefully.

  7. It'sBritneyBetch May 26, 2011 at 12:38 am #

    Welp, sorry that you “bro’s” aren’t fascinated enough by your own sight that you had to come onto ours and try to bash us. Truth is, no matter what your argument is, we’re still self proclaimed betches.

    • It'sBritneyBetch May 26, 2011 at 12:39 am #

      *excuse me, before any guys try to correct me, “site”

  8. baddestbetch July 11, 2011 at 7:54 pm #

    spot on. betches run this shit

  9. Cire Lowrimore July 21, 2011 at 12:35 am #

    Ha! Now that was funny ! 10 stars. Shit, I’m not a bro, but that was entertaining none-the-less. Sex and weed are a great combination. Minus the drama, and you got heaven IMHO.

  10. jenna July 28, 2011 at 10:15 pm #

    did your mother teach you that, betch?

    • jenna July 28, 2011 at 10:16 pm #

      betches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks

  11. BT August 9, 2011 at 8:46 pm #

    SO ITS ALL GOOD CAUSE IN THE END (even crazier as stated…SOMETIMES) the “betch” doesnt have sex with the guy?!?!?!?!? BAHAHAHAHA

    BUT BUT BUT Im sure there isnt anything wrong with the fact that the guy is initially some stranger, seen across the street, at 2 am in the morning, and he has drugs on him. NO NO THATS all cool right? cause at least (again sometimes) she didnt have sex with him.

    BRAVO BETCHES….BRAVO. unbelievable. Class act ladies. Chivalry is dead. THANKS TO BETCHES!!!

  12. supereviewer August 15, 2011 at 2:08 pm #

    Why are boys even on this site? GTFO. It’s called “BETCHES love this site.” Obviously you’re not the intended audience.

    • BT August 15, 2011 at 2:41 pm #

      It’s the Internet. You betches want privacy, then set-up a password and charge a fee to view this crap. NO ONE WOULD PAY ANYWAY. Otherwise there are no gender barriers as to who can view it or have an opinion on it.
      My opinion is one of reason. Just because you can’t defend the slutty/classless merits this site offers you, don’t tell me to GTFO. My “women” (woman with class and decency) even agree. So again keep it up you betchin retards.

      • BetchSinceBirth August 28, 2011 at 12:45 am #

        Uh pretty sure if a slam piece were to comment or bash a post on any bro site they’d be told to GTFO.
        So I suggest you GTFO and go shave your back now. Kay thanks.

  13. superviewer August 17, 2011 at 1:40 am #

    Well, I don’t give a FUCK about your rights, GET OFF THE GODDAMM SITE YOU ASSHOLE!!

    • BT August 17, 2011 at 10:15 am #

      Its funny cause i never mentioned it being a matter of my rights. Its a public site. AGAIN, if you feel I don’t belong, set up a password and charge a fee. Anyway, you don’t give a fuck about my rights? That’s inhumane. Cause I give a shit about your rights as a human….not as a betche. Cause betches are inhumane as well right?. With every comment you retards post it’s like I have to adjust how I encapsulate you. Really all I intend on doing is open the floor for some reasonable discourse. Simply because none of you can articulately defend this filth, and choose to attack people’s “grammar” instead of their “ideas” don’t get mad at me. Seriously, you “betches” read this shit now and get off on it…..in 10, 15, 20 years when you have kids, what will you think of this shit then. In the end it’s no way to live by. Good luck if you think it is…..you really well get no where with any of this shit.

  14. William James Winstonworth August 21, 2011 at 7:58 pm #

    dear betches
    you betches are so stupid everything you said in that article was a lie except for when you said bros rule the world cause we all know that part is true. the only reason i know that this article is made up of lies is cause i have truly put it up to the test. i have gotten with so many hot betches and i got to say i like your style a lot but a good 75 percent of you betches weren’t even intoxicated. your so easy for this bro.

    sincerely your bro,

  15. BT August 28, 2011 at 1:20 am #

    (directed to “betchsincebirth”)
    Bravo betch. Again I provide a voice of reason. You have nothing of value to add to this discourse, so you simply say “GTFO…go shave your back hair”. I won’t be picky about your grammar or spelling…..cause I could, but really? Who cares? Please reply in 10 years….when you realize the idiot you were, and when you have adopted (hopefully) a new ideology that’s on the other side of the spectrum.

  16. AK September 13, 2011 at 7:49 pm #

    This site is for betches, If one with a penis wants to read it don’t get mad–>it’s not FOR you. Get out and get over it! I love this shit!


  1. 42. Dressing Like a Slut | The Guide to Getting Down! - May 25, 2011

    […] betches, dressing like a slut does not mean you can go around #8 fucking bros whenever you want. You have to make them work for that shit. The slutty outfit should be just enough […]

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