Archive | April, 2011

Betch of the Week: Kate Middleton

30 Apr

This week’s Betch of the Week should come as no surprise. Yes betches, we were awake at 5am the other night for the one #2 newsworthy broadcast of the decade, and ever since our first glimpse of Kate Middleton in the most unreal wedding dress EVER, we’ve been obsessed.

We know we throw this term around a lot, but Kate Middleton is THE ultimate betch. Once a “commoner,” Kate went off to college like any other girl and somehow, being the luckiest person in the entire world, found herself the ultimate bro boyfriend. Now it’s just a matter of years until she’s the Queen of fucking England.

It must have been hard for William to explain this photo to the Queen.

How did she catch Prince Wills? By dressing like a slut in a fashion show, and probably having some great fucking game.

Cut back to 2007. “Waity Katie” managed to completely circumvent getting a job and avoid all the pains of post-grad betchdom in the way only the finest members of the #17 Lucky Sperm Club can. Minor issue… a Kate and Wills breakup! But Kate played the #16 post breakup betch like a fucking champ, spending her days shopping for shoes and dresses and shit, so the tabloids could comment on how hot she looked when she went out #20 clubbing with other famous bros who just “happened” to be friends with Will! She let the paparazzi snap a few pics of her out partying and loving life, which obvs pissed Will off (jealous prince!), because we all know how the fairy tale ends. She fucking #32 won.

Now Kate gets to live in a palace and generally just chill for the rest of her life as a professional fashion icon. No matter what she does or wears or says, the media buys that shit like it’s the fucking gospel. Designers literally beg her to wear their clothes! They made her into a Barbie! They’ve even named a hairstyle after her, called “The Kate.” Do they really not expect anyone to notice that we’ve all worn this so-called “style” before?

Look at that jealous betch in the corner.


Oh em geeeeee how do they get her hair to look like that!? It’s called a blow dryer and hot rollers, assholes.

We’re also jealous of Kate because no one will stop talking about how fucking #5 skinny she is. We get it, we’ve all been watching E!, but they’re not even accusing her of having an eating disorder when they mention her 23-inch waist! No American celebrity could dream of such positive press attention, but lucky for Kate, the Brits know how to shut the fuck up and respect royalty. Still, show me a picture of Kate and I’ll suddenly remember why I haven’t eaten in twelve hours.

Also, that engagement ring.

So thank you, Kate Middleton. Aside from being an inspiration to betches all around the world for your beauty and poise, you also gave us an excuse to hang out in #10 Candyland until 7am on a Thursday night.

35. Sorority Rush

27 Apr

Tons of betches love the Greek system, but there is no part of being in a sorority that betches love more than sorority rush.

Why? It’s an institutionalized opportunity to do our favorite betchy activities! Namely, endless amounts of #1 shit talking, organized judging of people we don’t know, getting dressed up, and pretending to be nice to people for our own social advancement. While in high school it was considered lame to label your group of friends with a #9 nickname (the salacious seven, the hawt hoes, foxy five, etc.), in college you throw a couple of Greek letters into the mix and voila! You’ve social climbed yourself at least another rank on the ladder! Having trouble meeting friends? Just give this national and college-sponsored organization upwards of $1000 a semester and you’ve got “sisters” for life! Not only are you given about a hundred automatic besties but there’s now a whole new slew of people to #1 talk shit about all day long.

But how do we select these lovely ladies who, by contract, are obligated to be our sisters? That’s right. Sorority rush. The role of every betch during rush is to look the hottest she can while still pretending to be classy. The only issue is that you’re not allowed to talk about boys or alcohol, so you might as well tell girls that they have to pee standing up, because there’s really nothing else in their conversation repertoire. The only thing I care about less than the #2 news is your fucking major and the fact that you skiied in Aspen over winter break.

Does blowing my "sister's" boyfriend count as service?

So maybe you and your soroslut sister haven’t been speaking for months because you both hooked up with each other’s boyfriends. Come sorority rush this is as evident to the incoming freshmen as the fact that we’re rating them on a scale of 1-5 as soon as they leave.

Betches, remember, sorority rush is crunch time. So put your ugly sisters in the kitchen, put aside the fact that you hate 80% of the girls around you with a fiery passion, and any sense of morality about deceiving others (Hello Hitler Youth!). This is no time for truth, honesty and virtue, this is sorority fucking rush.

The following is an actual rush dress code from an actual sorority, in case you thought we woke up looking like that.

RUSH DRESS CODE 2011

Below is the dress code for each day. Please make sure to look very nice, put together, clean and professional everyday. Please be prepared to show us your outfits at the beginning of the week so we may approve them. As much as we don’t like to admit it, rush is a very superficial process, and looking good is as important as what we say. The Potential New Members (PNMs) spend a tremendous amount of time picking out their outfits trying to impress us, so it’s only fair that we show the same respect to them.

Not allowed at any time during rush: sneakers, Uggs, watches, sweatshirts/zip-ups, t-shirts, torn jeans, cheap looking patterns (in fact, try to steer clear from patterns in general), no more than three earrings per ear, tight American Apparel dresses, plastic jewelry (i.e., anything purchased at Claire’s or The Icing), religious jewelry (we understand some people wear crosses or Star of David regularly, however religion makes some uncomfortable and we want the PNMs to feel as welcome as possible), obviously fake looking designer clothes/jewelry

Leggings: Leggings are only permitted during Round 1 and ONLY ROUND 1. They must be nice, not your shitty, tattered American Apparel leggings that you’ve had for years. Leggings as pants are NOT okay, so make sure if you do decide to wear leggings, your shirt/sweater is long enough to cover your butt.

I hate you.

Hair/Makeup: We will email you if you can keep your hair curly, otherwise your hair must be straight, and it must be worn down at all times (no ponytails). The reason for this is we want everyone to look put together as one cohesive unit. Also, at no time is colored makeup acceptable; no blue eye shadow and NO red lipstick. Make sure your makeup is pretty, daytime and neutral. We want everyone to accentuate their natural beauty (mascara, eyeliner, bronzer, a pale gloss), and you should look fresh-faced and natural, like a Clinique model.

If you have any type of facial piercing (nose, eyebrow, tongue, etc.) please email us to see if it will be accepted during rush. For the most part, we’d like to steer clear of these.

Preparation: You have roughly 4 weeks at home before rush week. Use this time to prepare physically and mentally for the week. As hard as it is on you, it’s harder on us, and it determines the future fate of the house. Make sure while you’re home you go shopping, get your roots done, hair highlighted, go tanning, get a mani/pedi, get your brows waxed, and work out so we don’t all gain the holiday 15. We highly recommend crest whitening strips so that your smiles are extra bright to welcome the PNMs.

Please carefully read the following pages containing information on what to wear during each day of rush. Please avoid outfits that show too much cleavage or short skirts/ dresses – we want to look classy. It is important to wear outfits that compliment your body type and make you feel comfortable. (you’re going to be wearing it all day!!!)

Round 1: Dress for a “nice birthday dinner out with friends.”

Examples: Leggings or jeans with a blazer and nice leather boots; Jeans with a classy satin top and flats; a skirt (NOT MINI) with a classic cardigan and riding boots; a casual cotton dress with flats. Cute scarf. Simple, classy jewelry, such as a pair of pearl earrings or casual necklace. If you look around and everyone is wearing the same outfit as you, please change. This means that everyone should not be wearing leggings, tory burch flats, blazers, etc.

Round 2: “Meeting the boyfriend’s parents at dinner or a family holiday gathering”

Examples: Dark skinny jeans with a ruffled tank top and heels; a tweed skirt with a blouse and flats; a knee length dress with heels. During this round, no leggings are allowed. Footwear must be heels or nice flats, no riding boots (but heeled boots are ok). Also, if you don’t have nice tan legs, you must wear stockings under your skirt or dress. A nice necklace or pair of earrings.

Round 3: “Drinks at Hudson Terrace in NYC on a Friday Night with your co-workers”

Examples: a dressy skirt with a blouse or lace top (not a plain cardigan); a nice dress you would wear to a date night (NOT SLUTTY WE WILL MAKE YOU CHANGE); black pants with a trendy tank top and great heels. The only pants that are acceptable this round are classic black pants but try to avoid it if you can because we’re limiting the numbers of pants. Footwear MUST be heels this round. Wear a little bit nicer jewelry and accessories to dress up your outfit (scarves around the neck, a string of pearls, etc.). Black tights can help dress up a cotton dress and also make it more winter appropriate.

Round 4: “A wedding rehearsal dinner”

Preference Round: This day is serious and what you wear and say can influence who decides to become a member of our house. Everyone must wear a nice black dress with black heels, there will absolutely be no exceptions. Look as nice as possible; you will not be over dressed! Cool neutral colored jewelry is encouraged (a simple gold necklace, a string of pearls, diamond earrings, a long silver chain). A dress that you would wear to formal is perfect, as long as it’s not slutty; you’re not trying to get laid, you’re girl flirting. Make sure your boobs aren’t out and about.

34. BBM

26 Apr

As a betch, it goes without saying that you are, as a person, in extremely high demand at all times. We lead very busy lives, and it’s often hard to divide our time between all our besties and bros who constantly want to hang out with us. We don’t blame them, if we weren’t us, hanging out with us would be our top priority too.

Fortunately, somewhere around the turn of the century, some nerd scientist invented the ultimate betch accessory that helps keep us in constant contact with anyone we could ever want to talk to. Yes, we’re talking about the Blackberry. The Blackberry is like a betch’s third fucking arm, and every betch has probably gone through at least twelve of these malfunctioning pieces of shit in her lifetime. (New pin:c83ad4g. Add me!)

Some people might wonder why we keep getting new Blackberries when they clearly suck so much. Obvious answer. BBM. If you have an iPhone or an Android, get the fuck off this website and go back to checking stock quotes on your geek machine, loser.

Same goes if you have fewer than 50 contacts… awkward.

BBM is basically the only reason why betches have Blackberries, and it’s probably one of the most addictive and psychologically manipulative tools in modern society. Honestly, the culture of BBM lends itself to idiocy. For a betch, BBM provides us with an inhibition-free zone and an incessant #1 shit-talking machine. You don’t even realize half the shit you’re sending is complete garbage until it’s too late. You know you can’t harass someone over text because it’s too slow and annoying, but you bet you can stalk the shit out of your lover boy on BBM! (PING!!! Answer me now!!! Fuck me till I can’t walk!!!)

Granted, sometimes we use BBM for important communication, but that’s usually only when you’re trying to text your Asian friend from Econ to tell her your computer suddenly crashed and you desperately need her study guide for the midterm tomorrow.

In reality, BBM is the ultimate playing field for the many games we play with bros. What kind of points can you score in the BBM game? It’s all about the Read and Delivered.

It’s one thing if you’re texting with a bro and he doesn’t respond, but it’s a whole new ball game when you’re BBM friends and he reads it and doesn’t respond. He knows that I know that he knows that I know that he read it!!! He’s fucking done.

This means he’s #32 winning right now, so now you have no choice but to screen him for at least three hours the next four times he BBMs you.

But BBM games aren’t just limited to bros, betches love to play BBM games with other betches too. Who hasn’t been in four simultaneous shady conversations, all with people sitting in the same room as you? The best part about it is that no one ever fucking notices because everyone is on their fucking phones!!!

One of the most epic innovations in the BBM game is the group BBM chat. What better way to keep a select group of betches unified and up-to-date on one another’s very important decisions, such as, should I wear heels or flats tonight? It’s also a great organizational tool, since it helps us arrange exclusive #23 pregames. And since betches thrive on exclusivity, who isn’t included in the BBM group is wayyyyy more important than who is because it determines who we can openly #1 talk shit about.

So betches, always remember that the BBM game is just as important as real life, and one BBM can fuck you over forever. When you’re trying to shadily message Lindsay across the room that Jenny’s shirt makes her look like a whale, make sure you’re not accidentally typing to Jenny. After all, she’s the BBM group admin, and the fact that she looks like an oversized mammal who never gets ass doesn’t mean she won’t delete you faster than you can say “Sry wrong BBM.”

33. Hating Nice Guys

25 Apr

So we realize we’ve been #1 talking a lot of shit about those whom we’d label “nice girls.” While these people obviously suck, we feel it’s a little unfair to limit our negative feelings to only this one group. Betches are all for equality, so we know that all nice people deserve the same amount of disdain. Namely, nice guys.

Betches don’t love bros so much because of their amazing looks and generous, caring ways. We love bros because they don’t automatically take all of our shit and don’t always respond to our clever #32 winning tactics. Offer me a ride home after I stay the night at your place? You’re done. Fucking desperate loser. Forget to wish me a happy birthday via both BBM and Facebook? +5 right there.

There’s a certain confidence that the nice guy lacks that makes us wanna vomit. (I guess they’re good for something!) Don’t be flattered if a nice guy asks you out, he’s the kind of tool who’s been on the prowl since he broke up with his latest lame girlfriend less than a month ago. If you’re a nice guy, it is virtually impossible to even attain #19 ugly hot status. And sometimes, even if you are hot, being a kind and overly affectionate person will end with you getting fucked over… and we don’t mean the kitchen table.

Granted, guys don’t have to be sadistic or mean for betches to like them, although it does help. But there’s a very thin line between being a moderate challenge and someone’s bitch. Sometimes nice guys are hard to spot, and we don’t realize it until we’ve already hooked up with them.

A cheek kiss will not get you laid.

Here are some signs you’ve encountered a nice guy:

1. He refuses to play mind games
2. He tells you how he feels far too soon
3. He talks to his mom several times a day
4. He’s president of the Academic Integrity Hearing Board at your university
5. He’s the friend who constantly goes on beer runs
6. He continues to contact you after you stood him up four times
7. He says you should take things slow… sexually
8. He listens to what you have to say and actually references it in later conversations. Ew.

So betches, if you find yourself entangled with a nice guy, don’t panic. Depending on how betchy you are, you can either ride this one out for fun to see how long he’ll keep coming back, no matter how many times you tell him his wardrobe is repulsive and that you hate kids and small animals. If you’re a nicer betch, you might tell him you’re just not that into him. Or, you could “wrong BBM” him something explicitly sexual with another bro’s name. Either way, you should wait until after your birthday to end shit just in case he has a cool gift lined up. We wouldn’t want anyone to waste their money, especially not on us.

You might also decide to keep him around on the off chance that he suddenly decides to become an asshole (yay!) and starts to ignore you. Then it’s only a matter of days before you’re in love with him and you can’t figure out why that is. Seeing him hook up with someone else usually does the trick. I don’t want you, but you’re certainly not allowed to fucking want anyone else!

Not to sound like total haters, it’s just that betches are very intriguing and complicated, and nice guys don’t fuck with our heads enough to keep us interested. A true betch won’t be won over with flowers and candy, instead the key to our hearts is to strategically ignore the fact that we’re hot shit and subtly insult us. Every betch knows the only thing hotter than a good actual fuck is a quality mind fuck.

32. Winning

22 Apr

So there’s this bro you’ve wanted to hook up with for a while now. Being the betch that you are, it’s only a matter of time before you conquer him. Obviously he’ll be the one to make the first move, as you’re so hot that you’re about as likely to pursue a bro yourself as you are to wear a corduroy skort to the bar tonight.

Cut to somewhere between 10 minutes and two weeks later, depending on the intensity of this bro’s game. He buys you a few drinks at the bar and before you know it, mission accomplished.

Let the games begin.

Here comes the endless analysis of every text, glance, and interaction you exchange with this kid for the next year and a half.

Since betches don’t have actual feelings, winning is not about the fulfillment of any sort of need for love and affection, or because you actually give a shit about anyone. Caring about others is for nice girls. (Unless you have a boyfriend, in which case keep that shit private because there’s nothing more disgusting than a happy couple.) Caring is the opposite of winning. Winning is our mechanism to get the ultimate prize: power and control. There’s nothing more important to a betch than being on top.

For a bro, winning is fucking a girl and never calling her again. For a betch, it’s receiving a 2pm triple text from the bro who thinks he’s the hottest shit around.

So how do you win? We’ve devised a handy points system for those clingy girls out there who don’t naturally possess our superior analytical skills and innate “fuck off” vibe.

Juliet wins!

Plus Points:

+2: #8 Don’t fuck him.
+5: Take his drugs and then #8 don’t fuck him.
+2: Let him buy you a drink, say you have to go to the bathroom, and never return.
+3: Let him go down on you then “pass out.”
+1: Casual flirting with another guy while he’s looking. (-1 for being too obvious. Plastering your face to this other guy’s makes you a skank, not a winner.)
+1: Wait two hours to read his BBM, +1 again if you don’t respond.
+6: Make a bro your bitch. You’ve scored these points if he holds your purse while you’re in the bathroom.
+1: Invite him over, be elsewhere.
+3: Cut to the morning after. “Why are you still here?”
+2: The next girl he hooks up with is uglier than you. +3 if she’s fatter.
+3: He leaves a voicemail. Game over.
+2: Laugh when he tries to call you out or confront you for doing any of the above. +3 if it’s in public.

Minus Points:

-2: Initiate drunk sexting.
-2: Show emotion.
-4: Stalking, in cyber space and/or in real life.
-3: Calling him. NEVER CALL. If you have to pick up the phone he’s just not that into you.
-1: Friending him on Facebook.
-10: Using the word “boyfriend” in any sentence with his name after you’ve hooked up three times. You’re done.
-5: Deleting him from BBM. You care, you lose.
-10: Crying. Betches don’t cry… they get even.

Stop it! You're embarrassing yourself and losing the game!

The irony about the game, which most people refuse to acknowledge, is that you lose points simply by choosing to participate. The object of the game is to be the one who cares the least, and you still care enough to play. That being said, what else are we gonna do with our time?

For betches, winning isn’t about the quantity of guys you fuck, it’s about the quality of your manipulation tactics. Always watch your game because it only takes one public display of tears to be labeled a psycho and lose the game forever. Remember, nice guys finish last… nice girls don’t finish.

31. Wine

21 Apr

While betches will always be down to drink pretty much anything that will get us inebriated, there is one category of alcohol that will always hold a special place in our hearts. Wine, duh.

We’re not talking about Franzia or anything that comes in a box or plastic bag, because that kind of shit will probably get you roofied at a frat party. Nor is a betch about to touch a screw-top wine bottle with a ten-foot pole. We’re talking about wines with names we can’t pronounce that are made from grapes grown in the year Laguna Beach aired… or even like, before that.

Betches love wine even when they don’t love wine. If you don’t like wine you better keep it a fucking secret or all your besties will think you’re a dumb trashy whore. Along with loving wine for the sake of getting fucked up, loving wine (or pretending to love wine) allows us to appear classy and sophisticated.

Okay, so I smoke pot every day and wear clothes so tight that my dad would shoot himself in the head if he saw, but you better fucking believe I know a good Pinot Noir when I see one!

Perhaps the most underrated perk of being a legitimate wine-o is that the classiness factor helps mask the fact that you’re really just trying to get drunk. Unlike tequila and straight vodka, it’s more “acceptable” to casually drink wine whenever you have the urge. What betch hasn’t gotten through a family function solely thanks to a constant flow of Sauvignon Blanc? If it had been cosmos, we’d be at Promises.

Betches also love to flaunt whatever “knowledge” they might have about wine because it shows bros that we’re all elegant and shit, and thus should be respected as such. “Well I guess we’ll just have the Chardonnay… Believe me, I took Introduction to Tuscan Wines in Florence, I know 1996 was a good year!

Nevermind that the only thing we learned about alcohol when we were #3 abroad was that 10 euros could either buy you 4 bottles of wine and a handle of Svedka, a beer mug at Oktoberfest, or half a drink at Otto Zutz.

Honestly betches, it’s time for a reality check. Finishing off several $13.99 bottles of wine a week does not make you an experienced drinker, so keep your mouth shut at dinner and let someone else do the tasting. You sound like an asshole, and no one believes you when you claim to know the difference between a Burgundy and a Bordeaux. The only legs you need to be concerned about are your own.

So save your shots for the pregame and your beer for when you can’t remember you drank it. A good wine drunk will put you to sleep faster than paying attention in any actual wines class. Stay classy ladies, drink fucking wine.

30. Graduation Gifts

16 Apr

As one of the saddest days of a betch’s life approaches, it’s important to think ahead and prepare. No, I’m not talking about having a job lined up or figuring out how to do your own fucking taxes/laundry. I’m talking about May’s hottest topic: graduation presents. Okay, so it’s still April, but plan ahead betches, or get fucked over with some gift certificate to Old Navy from your cheap Great Aunt Mildred.

A betch knows that this is her last chance besides her #4 birthday to solicit presents from everyone who’s distantly related to her without having to stay on the treadmill long enough to garner a marriage proposal. There’s no better way for your family to show how proud they are that you spent the past four years drinking and attending about 10% of your classes than bringing you expensive shit to celebrate the fact that you crossed “fucking in the library” off your “Things To Do Before I Graduate” List. It goes without saying that betches will take any opportunity to solicit multiple obscene gifts from literally any family member who still has the motor skills to write a check.

Last year's model? You're one bad gift away from me working the pole.

In the spirit of making a super depressing time in our lives just a little less painful, take the following advice and get on your gift requests now. This is an actual email from a betch to her family, so let it be an inspiration for your own wish list. Remember, the nice girl winds up with a Hallmark card, or even worse, like, a 2009 Hyundai.

Heyyy familia since I am graduating in basically a month I thought it would be a GREAT idea to send you a list of POSSIBLE graduation gifts I would love to have from our family! I can’t wait to see you guys so soon and party hardy for my last horrahhh as a college student…I remember being in middle school and thinking how old college people are and how far away the time for me to go to college was, everyone always told me college is the best time of your life but the fastest 4 years, and that is 100% true. I love you guys and cannot believe it is almost here!

THE list:
1. Beats or Bose Noise Cancelling Headphones..the Beats I like in black or white and the Bose just comes in one color. (this can be from outside the immediate family)
2. Marc Jacob Sunglasses, a specific type of aviator I can give more details about them if anyone wants to purchase them. (this can be from outside the immediate family)
3. (from Papa and Nana) I would LOVE a piece of jewelry I would wear forever from them, the Cartier Love Bracelet, the Love Ring, or a Gold Cartier watch (I have a specific one in mind for all of these)! (all depends on their budget, which I don’t know) If they’d rather give me a trip or something like that I, of course, have a few places in mind.
4. A trip to Vegas
5. A trip to the South Of France
6. Mom, those earrings I showed you last week I LOVE
7. An Iphone
8. An Ipad
9. A new Ipod
10. Money, of course

I AM NOT SAYING I WANT ALLLL OF THESE THINGS FOR GRADUATION I AM NOT THAT STUCK UP AND I KNOW SOME OF THESE REQUESTS ARE EXPENSIVE I AM JUST SAYING THIS IS A LIST OF POSSIBLE THINGS I WOULD LOVE TO RECEIVE AS A GIFT FOR GRADUATION. I LOVE YOU ALL!

29. Beauty and the Betch

10 Apr

As beautiful and amazing as betches are, we don’t necessarily wake up this way. There’s a lot of time invested in creating someone that looks this hot. So what’s the secret to our eternal betch beauty?

Simple answer. Salon days.

Once a week betches like to unwind from the stress we go through day and night, damaging our delicate feet by going #20 clubbing in six-inch heels, or the inevitable chipped nail from excessive fast-paced BBMing. For this reason, salon days are essential.

The first appointment on the salon day agenda is usually hair removal and pretty much universally regarded as the worst part, so it’s necessary to get it over with early. There are two types of people in this world. Are you a theader or a waxer? Either way, make sure to pop a Xanax or muscle relaxer before your salon day. Betches don’t handle pain very well. It’s weird how a slight tap on the shoulder at the bar can spark a #28 drunken brawl, but betches know one thing when it comes to waxing. No pain, no fucking gain.

Beckinsale family beauty days

Next onto the mani and pedi. Manis and pedis are kind of annoying because you like, have to sit there while some Asian paints your nails, but it’s also nice because it gives us the chance to catch up on the #2 world news in People and Cosmo.

Note: Betches only go to Asian manicurists. We recognize that their race has a monopoly on nimble and artistic crafty fingers.

Betches have one very important decision to make at this time. What color do I want!?!? This is one of our favorite parts of salon days. Betches loooove picking out their color because they get to look at all the punny nail polish names! OMG looove Adore-a-Ball… only for my French though!

There’s a lot to consider when choosing from the Essie and OPI color wheel. Do I want something classy like “After Sex,” or something fun and beachy like “Sand Tropez?” I could always get Chanel Black Satin so the whole world will know that my nail polish costs more than their weekly salaries. Poor people call this goth, rich people know it’s chic.

Do I get a light color to accentuate my #27 tan? Or something dark and mysterious so my nails can say “fuck off” before people get close enough that I have to say it myself?

It’s important to choose a color that gets lots of compliments and “Oooh I love your color! What’s it called?” It used to be that walking around with blue nail polish meant you were either five years old or retarded, but now you’re just one in a million Russian Navy fiends.

It’s a scary world out there, but a true betch knows that salon days are essential to maintaining our sanity and achieving Zen. We also know that people who say that beauty is on the inside are always fat and ugly.

28. The Drunken Brawl

5 Apr

Although betches are usually pretty good about keeping their shit-talking and insults on the down low, it’s also widely known that the right amount of alcohol lubrication can get the word vomit flowing in the wrong place at the wrong time. Enter the Drunken Betch Brawl.

Okay, so you’ve been secretly #1 talking shit about Alyssa for like three weeks now. Ever since you saw her talking to this bro at the bars who you hooked up with six months ago for like, 50 whole seconds, this betch has been coming way too close to #25 WYDEL status. However, you’ve been good at containing your shit-talking to sneaky BBMs, so the stupid bitch still thinks you’re besties.

Welcome to Friday night at the bars. After six too many vodka shots at the #23 pregame you head to the bars and all of the sudden you notice your drink has been accidentally knocked over by none other than Alyssa, your irritation of the moment. Given this perfect opportunity for fake payback, you immediately start to ball this betch out.

They should make more than one bathroom at the Jersey Shore house.

You fucking whore do you know how much this shirt cost!? I’d make you pay for it immediately if your parents weren’t so fucking poor that paying me back would demand a second mortgage on your house.

The brawl ensues, sometimes even escalating to a physical level where the bouncer or one of your bro friends has to hold you both back while others look on in awe. Everyone knows you don’t fuck with a betch. Mess with us, expect tears to stream down your face faster and harder than Niagara Fucking Falls.

Mind you, you probably don’t want to find yourself in this kind of entanglement with a betch you know personally, so you can only imagine the possibilities when a betch is in a particularly aggressive mood and shit goes down with a complete stranger.

Cut to #26 Spring Break and some random community college retard is taking too long in the bathroom stall. You and your besties need to get in like, now, so that’s when you pull your first move: slamming on the bathroom door like you’re the fucking Gestapo. Stop giving yourself an abortion in there when other people have important drugs to do, you trashy whore!

This is usually followed by the opening of the door and the ultimate screaming match. A typical brawl might include:

“Oh wow, I can see why you haven’t been opening the door, you’re probably trying to hide your gross curly-ass hair!”

“My ugly ass hair? Look at yours! Looks like somebody’s been using Loreal highlights home kits!”

Remember girls, nice girls finish last, and wind up waiting 45 minutes in the bathroom line.

We agree that it’s not the classiest move in the world to get into drunken fights and casually ball girls out, but if it’s acceptable for bros to get into fist fights, we can certainly pull the equivalent female move to make some stupid bitch wish she never crossed our path: making bitches cry.

Once someone cries it’s proper etiquette to back down. You’ve won, no one needs to go to the hospital, and the winning betch gets yet another confirmation that she is more powerful and better in every way. Sticks and stones may break bones, but call a bitch a fatass and the pain of the eating disorder you just sparked will last much longer than the sting of your betch slap.

27. Tanning

4 Apr

For three seasons of the year, betches march to the beat of their own drums. Our days are shaped by the classes we may or may not attend, yoga, and other various hobbies that we do whenever our hangovers allow us to keel out of bed and go to drunk brunch with our besties. But when summer arrives and the temperature goes above 75 degrees, our daily routines are shaped by only one thing. Tanning.

While in high school we were busy skipping class and getting iced coffee for lunch, there were some valuable lessons we made sure to pick up in Earth Science.

Lesson 1: Solar Fucking Noon.

Any betch can tell you that prime tanning hours are between 10am and 2pm. On a prime tanning day, waking up after 11:30 is a crime. Unless you want to be the palest betch at formal you better get your ass up and to the pool chairs that have the most sun exposure.

“Save me a seat, I’m comingggg” yawns your bestie who’s still sleeping as you sneak out to get a few precious minutes on her. Good luck betch, I’m hoping in the time it takes you to find your own beach chair you’ll end the day with Vampire Bill’s complexion.

Once all of your besties are laying poolside, #1 talking shit, and reading Betch of the Week Chelsea Handler books, the fun begins. There’s nothing betchier than the race to see who can appear darkest at the end of the day. Every betch has her own tanning style. Some girls go for the bandeau while others welcome their tan lines as a message that “yes, I’m white, I’m just like, really, really tan.”

Jealous Pasty Betch sneakily applies SPF to Seal

Unfortunately we all know that tanning sometimes gets a bad rap. “You’re like totally gonna get skin cancer and look like a leather pocketbook by the time you’re forty!” whines the JPB (Jealous Pasty Betch, aka the betch who gets sunburnt in less time than it takes to get through an US Weekly article). She’ll go on and on about how unhealthy it is to tan, simultaneously applying SPF 70 and smoking a cigarette. Shut up and lay off the fucking sunscreen, Whitey. I mean, everyone knows even red is better than white.

Every betch knows it’s important to focus on all areas of your body while tanning, as your tan should be flawless and glowing. For this reason, it’s important to keep to a weekly schedule that helps you focus on various areas over the course of the week. Having anxiety about an even tan? Introducing Tan Your Back Sundays.

All week betches work hard to wake up early, scrambling to get iced coffee and music to prepare for the days of tanning our fronts, all before 10am. This can get really stressful. Enter Tan Your Back Sunday. TYBS is a day to unwind from a long week of lounging and raiding the snacks and alcohol in your besties’ pool house. You’re probably hungover so feel free to sleep on your stomach, ignore your BBMs, and hopefully wake up dark enough that your race is ambiguous.

Matthew McConaughey gets competitive on Tan Your Back Sunday

Besides being the fattest betch in the room, being the palest betch will often garner a lot of shit-talking about you, and wayyyyy fewer “you look so tan!!!!!!” compliments (NOOOO!!!). So beware betches, the early bird catches the most powerful toxic UV rays. You may not know the date of the only lunar eclipse in the last 200 years, but you better be cautious of the sun’s angle at 1:35 and which direction to rotate your chair. Be ignorant, and mourn the loss of a tan left pinky toe forever.

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