Archive | May, 2011

46. The Environment

31 May

We know what you’re thinking, betches. The environment?! Betches don’t care about anything! Think again, the environment is actually the perfect cause for betches to pretend to know about. Ever since you took that bullshit AP Environmental Science class in high school you realized that knowing about the environment didn’t involve #2 keeping up with the news. All you had to know about the environment was that it was going to shit. Oh no, the environment’s fucked! Let’s save it! No war for oil!

As if you’d ever actually bring your recyclables to a recycling place. You’re way too busy, and it would be embarrassing for anyone to see you there. People might think you’re poor!

But what do we love about pretending to love the environment? It lets everyone think that we’re good people, and it gives you a reason to sound intellectual when you commend Cheryl David for reducing her carbon footprint by only using recycled toilet paper in her home! Nevermind that she only flies private…Public airports are full of terrorists, and ugly people. The environment can wait.

Betches will take any opportunity they can to try to prove to others that they’re extremely environmentally conscious. Some examples:

You don’t personally recycle, but you appreciate the thought. Maria, your maid, will carry this good deed out for you.

When it was time to get a car in high school and your dad let you choose between the x5 and a Hummer, you thoughtfully chose the Beamer. What a great excuse to indirectly tell my parents that I don’t want to drive a fucking tank to school. I can’t believe they fell for it when I said I didn’t want them to spend so much money on gas!

That's what you get for being a gas-guzzling bitch.

You once saw fifteen minutes of An Inconvenient Truth. It got boring, so you turned on Mean Girls. Whatever, at least Netflix thinks you watched it.

You just installed a freshwater pool and solar panels at your Hamptons house.

You took pictures of Smart Cars when you were #3 abroad. So cute!

You eat Sun Chips. They’re made with the power of the sun!

As soon as my trust fund kicks in, I’m totes gonna donate money to Africa.

Let’s talk about the Prius. Even though it’s not the most attractive car, it’s like kind of expensive! And Natalie Portman drives one! You know a bro who drives one too, and sometimes you let him drive you to class so you don’t have to walk.

For the Stoner Betch, being environmentally friendly is necessary to keep up your reputation. You once shroomed in a field and it was amaaaaazing. Nature is like, so important, you know. Even though you wouldn’t think twice about throwing your water bottle bong out your car window in high school, it’s just like…how can I save the environment if I’m grounded?

"Daddy, some people lost all their belongings! Don't you think that includes recreational equipment?"

Much like vegans and vegetarians, caring about the environment is really useful for pretending to take our focus off of ourselves, and show that even betches care about the future of our planet. My kids are gonna be really hot, so there better be a world for them to fucking live in! Also, whenever it’s cold out, the stupid betch will inevitably say to the the smart betch, “Ugh, what happened to global warming? It’s sooo cold!” Then the smart betch gets to reply that it’s the fault of erratic weather patterns, or some shit like that. Caring about the environment is like that one week after you read Skinny Bitch and you pretended to be a vegetarian. Animals and like, the ozone layer need our help. Be a betch. Go green. Remember, even Cher gave her water skis to the Pismo Beach Disaster Relief.

45. Graduation

30 May

There comes a time in every betch’s life when she has to say goodbye. We know that all good things must come to an end, like your mom making your school lunch, your dad paying your credit card bills, and the inevitable termination of your Adderall prescription. After four years of spending your time getting wasted and #36 not doing work, suddenly that magical weekend in May is upon us. Yes betches, we’re talking about college graduation.

But wait, shouldn’t betches hate graduation!? It marks the end of four years of our parents paying hundreds of thousands of dollars for us to skip class in favor of smoking pot on our couch, and spending our summers making copies and fetching coffee two days a week for free!

If the thought of graduating makes you want to slit your wrists, it’s time to reconsider. A smart betch knows this is only the beginning. True, we’re moving on to the “real world,” where it suddenly becomes way less socially acceptable to do things like selling your textbooks back to your university for drug money, but don’t panic, betches. Post-grad life isn’t going to be so bad.

Remember how fun it was to be a freshman in college? Now you get to be a freshman of an entire fucking city! Graduated betches are about to make a mass exodus from all sorts of bumblefuck states to major cities where it’s no longer creepy to interact with a “local.” You’re opened up to a whole world full of new clubs, new bars and best of all, new people who haven’t seen your rotation of outfits a million times. Say goodbye to the days of extending obligatory #23 pregame invites to those #38 frenemies who lived around the corner. Yes! We can finally ditch those bitches!

Best of all, graduating college marks the start of a new era, when bros no longer have the mentality that they can #8 fuck you without buying you so much as a drink, let alone not taking you to dinner. Fuck well-paying jobs and alumni networking, our diplomas give us the right to say that guys who want to get laid are going to have to open their fucking wallets.

Maybe dressing like a slut IS possible at graduation.

Now, let’s talk about graduation weekend itself. At first glance it seems like spending a weekend with your parents, forcing yourself to act appreciative while incessantly #41 fake smiling, should be a betch’s worst nightmare. And on top of that, we’re required to attend retarded school functions at which overachieving honor students GDI losers give speeches about the importance of like, work ethic and ambition. Gross. Speaking of gross… Is there anything more nauseating than that heinous cap and gown? The graduation getup makes it virtually impossible to #42 dress like a slut. Betches HATE this graduation gown.

However, while we can all agree that these unpleasantries are extremely irritating, a true betch knows how to look past it and milk graduation for all it’s worth. This is the last time, other than your birthday and wedding, that you can reasonably ask for whatever the fuck you want from not only your immediate family, but your fifth cousin twice removed whom you haven’t seen since you attended their wedding in 1997. Not only that, but graduation weekend is entirely centered around every betch’s favorite thing. Ourselves! Usually it’s tiring to feign modesty when people are constantly telling us how great we are, but grad weekend gives us a free pass to instead smile (Genuinely! Rare…) and nod in agreement. Even better, this free pass won’t expire for at least another three months! Our parents are so proud of us right now, they won’t even care that your summer plans are centered around #27 tanning and blacking out in NYC. So like we said betches, milk it. Hold onto daddy’s credit card and hit Shop Bop hard before you’re off the money train.

Also, grad weekend finally marks the end of people asking you annoying fucking questions like, “what’s your major?” and “what classes are you taking?” You barely ever knew the answer to these questions and it was getting harder and harder to think of four new classes to be “enrolled” in every semester. Errr, Pharmacology 5990? It’s a graduate class. 

So whether you’re suffering through the family affair that is grad weekend, or you’re stressing about what to do with your life once this weekend has passed, just take a moment to relax and reflect on the major accomplishment of graduating college. After all, no matter how many classes you never went to, or how many nights a week you blacked out, your future employers will never have any idea. Remember betches, the diploma you’re handed at graduation is just as valuable to you as it is to the nice girl who got the privilege of spending her Friday nights writing your papers while you were getting your B.S. in how to BS your way through life.

44. Diet Coke

23 May

As we’ve said before, betches are down to drink pretty much anything that gets us wasted. But on those occasions when you can’t bear the thought of alcohol because you’re hungover, it’s your little sister’s 6th birthday, or you just arrived at rehab, a betch will turn to the greatest soft drink of all time, Diet Coke.

Diet Coke is like water for betches. We’d permanently attach ourselves to a fucking IV drip of Diet Coke if we could get the medical clearance. What’s our obsession with DC all about? Zero calories. Fucking duh.

Screw Diet Snapple and Crystal Light, not only will DC quench our thirst, it also makes us feel like we just ate a 10 course meal. Some say Gatorade is a thirst quencher. This girl is usually the fat goalie on the soccer team. Do you know how many calories are in GATORADE? Neither do we, but it’s enough to be considered a meal in a bottle!

Since a betch has been drinking DC since her mother weaned her off breast milk, she won’t hesitate to tell you that next to vodka soda and Ex-Lax, Diet Coke is the most delicious #5 diet ever. If your #37 betchy mom wasn’t forcing Diet Coke down your throat when you were 8, you should start sending her hate mail for turning you into a fucking fatty. Sure it took a while to get used to all that carbonation, but that’s why we call it Betches-in-fucking-Training.

Since betches won’t order anything but #31 wine at dinner, Diet Coke is the ultimate lunch beverage. DC pretty much goes with anything – sushi, salads, wraps, you name it. But every betch knows it’s also completely acceptable, even strongly recommended, to order Diet Coke as your meal. In the event that you’re invited to lunch with a group of betches, beware. If the words regular Coke dare leave your mouth while ordering, be prepared for an hour of under-the-table #34 BBMs about how fat you are. You may think you’ll be able to salvage your reputation by ordering a salad…Wrong again, fatass. And if you’re thinking of even touching the bread basket, just leave the table now, you’re in the wrong crowd.

In fact, there’s nothing that will irk a betch more than if she’s given a regular Coke instead of Diet. If the waitress has the audacity to bring you a regular soda, or even worse a DIET PEPSI, she just immediately snagged the number 1 spot on your #25 WYDEL. You won’t be tipping her, so she might as well start spitting in your food now. (Wait, you aren’t ordering any!) Betches won’t go anywhere near Pepsi. If our goal were to vom, we would have at least ordered some fucking cheese fries first.

Sidebar: What the fuck was the deal with Pepsi One? Besides the fact that it’s PEPSI, who wants to drink soda with an entire calorie?

Let’s not forget that there will always be some loser at the lunch table who thinks she’s the Surgeon fucking General, and it’s her duty to let you know that Diet Coke is made from toxic chemicals. If not getting cancer were on our agenda, our first step would probably be to stop baking our bodies in the sun like we’re a bucket of KFC wings.

Drinking regular Coke, or any non-alcoholic beverage with calories is like casting Rumer Willis in a movie. It doesn’t make any fucking sense. Everyone knows the greatest invention of all time was not the lightbulb or like, the Internet. Instead we are thankful for that magical day in 1982 when betches all over the world could rejoice that they had finally found their holy water. Diet Coke Forever.

43. Hating Haters

19 May

We realize that everyone has their own place in society. As betches, being on top means that our only real concerns are drinking, partying, and picking out cute outfits. Betches don’t blindly hate groups of people because we know that not everyone can be a betch, but this doesn’t mean that everyone else doesn’t serve their own specialized purpose. We need smart people to do our work, fat people to stand next to us and make us look thinner, and Mexican immigrants to raise us and our children. Let’s talk about the people on the bottom of the food chain – the people who have a bone to pick, the people who have a giant chip on their shoulder… In short, the ugly people. They are the haters. No matter how many #38 frenemies or #25 arch nemeses a betch has to put up with, there’s nothing more irritating than someone who judges you just because you’re perfect.

It’s time to make an important distinction. Being a hater is different than merely talking shit. Talking shit is about individuals. Hating is about stereotypically criticizing entire groups of people, not for their personal qualities, but out of resentment. Haters are hypocrites because usually, they would be you if they could. Instead, they’re them, and that sucks. We feel bad, but again, just as the antelope is eaten by the lion, there are certain people in society who have to suck. You know you’re a hater when you refuse to share your study guides, or you spend your Friday night calling girls sluts on CollegeACB. At least betches will be at the bar while they’re doing that.

Typically a hater is easy to identify based on the fact that they’re fat and ugly and never get ass. However some haters are able to blend in amongst the masses, like the nice girl who gets good grades but shadily judges people for doing normal things like drugs, or the short kid with a Napoleon complex who’s working for Citibank but hasn’t been inside a vagina since he came out of his mother’s uterus.

How can you be absolutely sure you’re in the presence of a true hater? Tell tale sign: the #41 fake smile becomes much harder to feign and their judgement looms over you like they’re a fucking dementor.

As much as a hater has the potential to suck the fun out of any situation, a true betch can rise above it. You’re better than that. A hater is only a hater because he or she is jealous of you. If you weren’t so obviously superior, a hater would have no reason to hate! Think about it, do YOU ever think about people who are less cool than you? Fuck no. That’s why betches only think about themselves. From now on, if someone calls you a two-faced bitch or a trashy slut, look on the bright side…How sweet is it that they wasted their time #1 thinking shit about you! Remember betches, it’s the thought that counts.

A hater and all his friends

To the smart ass people who will inevitably label this post “contradictory”… Go fuck yourselves and make your way to Jenny Craig. Betches are never wrong.

Our message is simple. Don’t let anyone get in your way. Just because someone else has a chip on their shoulder doesn’t mean you should #36 carry the weight. Like all oppressors, the haters will take time to overcome, but fear not. When the power of betches overcomes the power of haters, then the world will know peace. Haters gonna hate, players they gonna play, and if you’re lame enough to be one of those people, betches probably don’t know who the fuck you are anyway.

Betches Love This Scandal: The Terminator Diddles the Maid

18 May

Even though it’s frowned upon for a betch to be aware of world news, we realize there’s a possibility that interesting shit occasionally happens to people outside of our bestie circle. Rare as these instances are, betches are rational beings and we understand that there’s a time and a place to care about others. Stay alert betches, these occasions come around as frequently as Matthew McConaughey appears in a good movie. Still, you better be on top of your shit because there is NO excuse to miss a good scandal.

Betches fucking love scandals. We don’t mean the kind of scandal like, they just uncovered a plot to assassinate the president… Snoozefest! If CNN is gonna bother to report them, scandals should involve things we care about, like rich people and sex.

(The Osama bin Laden thing was an exception in that we only paid attention because it gave us a reason to throw a last minute #23 pregame on Sunday night. Who’s dead? Someone ugly? Who cares! Let’s drink!)

This looks like someone who wouldn't NOT fuck the maid.

Fortunately we were perusing Perez and found a story that sounded a little bit like Tiger Woods meets Maid in Manhattan meets Mr. Deeds. Yes, we’re talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger and his 10 year-old love child. This is what happens, California, when you hire a meathead to run a fucking state. And this is what happens to you, Maria Shriver, when you marry the son of a Nazi.

Really Arnold? Sleeping with the maid? That’s not cliche. Also, the woman’s name is Mildred and she’s actually heinous. It’s like when Prince Charles went from banging Diana to banging Camilla, except this fat whore makes Camilla look more like Diana.

Maria, get your shit together. This bitch has been living in your house for 20 years! She’s fucking 50! If this bitch hasn’t been on your #25 WYDEL for years now, you’re fucking clueless. We realize that Arnold’s accent is both nauseating and incoherent, but is that really a good excuse to not confront him about this?

So betches, let this story be a lesson to all. Don’t marry someone with more testosterone than Mark McGuire. Go for the #19 ugly hot bro. Even though his arms might not look like two fucking tree trunks, he probably won’t leave you for some stupid bitch who cleans your toilet and hasn’t even gone to college.

42. Dressing Like a Slut

17 May

There are few things betches love more than the process of getting ready to go out. We’ll shower and moisturize, make sure our hair is perfectly straight with just the right wave to it, and apply our makeup flawlessly. Still, nothing plagues a betch more than the ultimate question facing every weekend night.

“Ahhhh what am I going to wear tonight? Ugh, I have like, nooo clothes.”

(Note: The latter sentence will always be uttered no matter how many times a betch has gone shopping in the past week. Inevitably, she will find something to wear and look gorgeous no matter what.)

So why do betches spend so much time thinking about what to wear when they could be doing better things? It’s because getting dressed involves walking the hazy but crucial line between looking classy and looking trashy. Exactly how much of my perfect body can I expose to the world without being mistaken for someone Eliot Spitzer would like to take to dinner?

Does this toilet paper make me look fat?

If you’re a Queen Betch, you already know the secret to dressing like a slut. The art of dressing provocatively is kind of like avoiding a speeding ticket while you’re driving 95 on an interstate highway. Just as your goal should be to go as fast as possible without being the asshole who winds up with three traffic violations, a true betch knows how to optimize her skin exposure without enduring a barrage of #1 shit talking for being the whoriest bitch in the bar.

Dressing like a slut began as early as middle school. Remember buying your first thong at age 12 to cover the underwear line in your first pair of Hard Tails? That was just the beginning. As time went by, our efforts to dress like a slut (while still appearing classy, of course) got more serious with each year. Soon wedges  turned into 6-inch stilettos and we were buying Juicy tops that were two sizes too small so the ‘OO stretched all the way across our chest. Classy, real fucking classy.

Nowadays, betches owe it all to Top Shop and Pleasure Doing Business for bringing the bandage skirt to the masses who can’t afford Herve. The tight high-waisted skirt did for betches what the porn star mustache did for our dads in the 70s. It got us laid. This skirt single-handedly made dressing like a slut the only way to dress.

Of course, since betches will turn anything into a competition, fashion is no exception. Every night is its own unspoken contest over who can look the hottest in their sluttiest outfit without appearing literally naked.  From back when we were merely Betches-in-Training, watching Cher from Clueless rock her endless array of midriff-bearing shirts, we awaited the day when we could sport our own crop tops…aka shirts that appear like they were made to fit our 5th grade selves. While some might say that this is a strange fashion trend, betches know the truth about crop tops: hiding your stomach is for lesbian gym teachers and fat people.

For the sorority betch, themed mixers are the perfect opportunity to show off our creative style boobs. Whereas on an ordinary night it might be inappropriate to cover your nipples in tight caution tape and call that an outfit, an Anything But Clothes mixer pretty much makes this a necessity.

Now betches, it’s time for us to make an important distinction. Let’s talk about the covert versus the overt slut. Beware that there is a VERY big difference between dressing like a slut and dressing like a SLUT. The idea is to maintain a decent level of dignity while simultaneously making your father rue the day he ever decided to reproduce. While the overt slut’s boobs are more out than Perez Hilton and she’s just one casual drop of her Blackberry away from a ‘bend and snap’ that the whole bar will remember, the covert betch knows how to play it cool. She rocks her one-shoulder cutout dress like a pro, with just the right amount of side abs exposed to drive other betches crazy.

Classy or trashy?

Overt = pairing fishnet stockings with a dress you’ve cut to make the hemline lie half an inch below your ass.

Covert = wearing jeans so tight that you practically have to do a gymnastics routine just to get them on.

Remember betches, dressing like a slut does not mean you can go around #8 fucking bros whenever you want. You have to make them work for that shit. The slutty outfit should be just enough to preview what’s there, so this bro can fall in love and become your bitch for a few weeks before you decide to put out. As Beyonce would say, if you’ve got it flaunt it. And if you don’t got it, then you can always just raid your fat friend’s closet for spanx and a bubble dress.

41. The Fake Smile

15 May

As betches, it’s clear that we’ve cultivated habits that help us manipulate others to think that we’re good people and naturally gorgeous. We’ve learned how to optimize and perfect our #27 tans, finagled our way through school by #36 not doing work, and have even invented many brilliant new #5 dietsYou thought Diet Coke and Orbit was your idea? Please bitch, I’ve been on that diet since I was 13A betch’s main weapon in life is not guns, knives, or even her car, nor is a betch’s greatest possession her Chanel bag. It’s her ability to turn up the corners of her lips into the shape of a perfect fake smile.

The fake smile is like a betch’s armor against #1 talking shit. It throws a bitch off your trail. Okay, so maybe you just told an entire room of people that she rarely showers or brushes her teeth, or that she might have genital herpes. But pass her on your way to class and all you have to do is flash some teeth and throw in a half-assed wave before she thinks she’s merely another one of your acquaintances.

Also, as a betch, there are a lot of people out there who will know you, but you will have no idea who the fuck they are. So some nice girl has been doing your homework for the past four months, and sorry to say it, but you’ve forgotten her name. You recognize her by how eagerly she approaches you to chat, practically sprinting across the street just to come talk to you. For some people, this might be an uncomfortable moment. However, you’re a betch so you think fast. Quickly, you grab your Blackberry out of your bag and are suddenly “on the phone with your mom.” You whip out your fake smile and tada! Crisis averted, biology homework done!

So what are you really thinking when you throw some oblivious bitch a bullshit compliment and the fake smile?

“I love your shirt, it’s so flattering on you!” – Put away your rolls of fat, babe.

“I didn’t know you were going out tonight!”  – Glance at my boyfriend one more time and I’ll fucking cut you.

To the girl you’ve just been introduced to, but obviously already know via her bestie’s Facebook pics and some random info about her that you have stored in your gossip arsenal: “Heyyyy, I’m Betch, nice to meet you” – Hmm…I wonder if it’s true that she fucked three guys in one night without a condom? Would it be a bad time to ask? Are we on that level yet?

So betches, save your duchenne smiles for when your parents surprise you with a trip to Paris, or for when you’re in bed, post coital obvs. As betches, we know that there’s nothing that makes you appear weaker than showing real emotion. Only when everyone thinks that you like them will you gain total control. Remember girls, showing fake emotion is your path to real happiness.

Betch of the Week: Victoria Beckham

13 May

This week we’d like to honor the only Brit who can possibly rival former Betch of the Week Kate Middleton, and one of the greatest pop icons of our younger betch-hood. We’re talking about Posh Spice herself, Victoria Beckham.

Vicky Becks is the skinniest and most robotic, yet iconic celebrity betch out there. Her greatest asset is her extremely unapproachable aura that every betch strives for, the ability to say “fuck off” without even speaking. She rarely smiles or says anything, and we like that about her. She’s too betchy to bestow her precious thoughts and feelings on the common people. But we’re also sure her publicist lives up her ass because anything she has to say would be too offensive.

The real thing we love about her is that she is so fucking #5 skinny. She claims that her diet consists of water, fish and strawberries (as in, a strawberry). When asked if she’s ever eaten a cookie, she actually said no.

Exactly how much does she hate fat people? Put it this way, she has her own fashion line so exclusive that the clothes don’t come in sizes larger than zero. She only dresses select celebrities whom she considers of her own caliber. Judging people is so betchy. Even her clothes play hard to get. #winning

For those of you betches who were lucky enough to be around during the reign of the Spice Girls, you know that the Queen Betch of the bestie group always got to dress up as Posh when you would perform your own renditions of Wannabe. Fuck Baby Spice. Like, really? You’re 25 and prancing around with pigtails and lollipops.

Skinny bitch still has bigger boobs than Sporty Spice.

Vicks, on the other hand…did she even sing? We’re pretty sure she just walked on stage wearing the shortest dress and highest heels possible, looking pissed off. But that’s just us. Either way, no matter what she wears, aspiring betches will always worship the ground she walks on. Have you ever seen Vick on the wrong side of Fashion Police? We’re just waiting for the day Joan Rivers calls her out for wearing one of those ridiculous fucking hats.

Finally, not to point out her most obvious acquisition, but her husband is David fucking Beckham. And her sons Brooklyn, Romeo, and Cruz (Duh the Beckhams are in the retarded celebrity baby name club), are already on their way to becoming the hottest, douchiest assholes that today’s five year-old Betches-in-Training are going to be obsessed with in 10 years. Fear a family where every member looks like they were carved by fucking Michaelangelo.

Just when we thought pregnancy was the only excuse left to eat, Vick snapped us back to reality. If you think that daughter she’s expecting will ever see a birthday cake, think again. She’ll thank her later.

40. Formals

12 May

It’s early Spring and that means many things. First off, it’s time for finals! Yes, we know that the betchy thing to do is to #36 blow off your school work. Not so fast betches, finals are a great excuse to ask your psychiatrist to refill your Adderall, and it couldn’t come at a more perfect time since we’re quickly approaching the betchiest season of the year. Summer, obvs. Unless you want to be the fattest betch when your bikini bod debuts on Memorial Day Weekend, you better fucking fill your Rx and crazy glue your feet to an elliptical asap. Sounds dangerous? An extra four hours a day never hurt anyone.

Where's the best place on this thing to vomit!?

Despite all these distractions, May is a particularly special time for the college betch. Sororosluts, we’re looking at you. It’s formal season.

It should be obvious why betches love formals. Other than the fact that getting invited to multiple formals makes our self-esteem skyrocket, there’s also the fun of the unspoken competition between your besties for who will get the most invites! Oh, you’re only going to two formals? Burn. I actually got two invites just for Saturday, you can go with the bro I don’t like… I guess…

But the fun doesn’t end there. We get to get dressed up, get fucked up, and get bussed to a local venue where it’s considered socially acceptable to vomit in the bathroom…or hallway, whatever. It’s like going on a #14 date, except it’s better because getting completely plastered is mandatory and free! Plus, you get to #1 talk shit with your besties the whole time about all the other hoes with bad highlights and ugly dresses with ruffles on the bottom. Gross.

Looks like somebody's getting fucked tonight!

While going to your own sorority formal is great because all your betches are automatically invited (even the fat ones!), meaning everyone’s there to drink and hit up the bathroom with you (also the #22 group photog can also take pics of you looking hot), nothing really compares with going to fraternity formals. Not only can you brag to all of your besties that you were invited to Jared’s formal, but snagging a formal invite means definite points towards #32 winning the game. This is especially true if you get the invite to an away formal, because it basically means this bro is admitting that you’re not so annoying that he’s willing to hang out/fuck you for three days straight. I mean, why wouldn’t he?

Frat formals are also the perfect opportunity to schmooze with sorostitutes from all across the Greek system, and you get to be the one to #34 BBM all of your besties about the “whores” that other bros have invited, critiquing everything from their choice of dress to their (real or embellished) recent weight gain. If it’s a bro your friend was hooking up with but he didn’t invite her to formal, as a true bestie you have to add in the obligatory “ugh he took that trashy loser, don’t worry you’re way hotter than her! I can’t believe she wore that!” Also, if things go sour, you can always ditch your date for the open bar, and maybe even meet a better bro! Additional +5  for executing a clean date swap. +10 for executing a date swap that lands your shitty date with um, nobody.

Finally, formals are a great excuse to have great drunk sex (which, let’s be real, is the reason you invited your #18 VIP in the first place) or for pretending you were taken on an actual date. Betches know there’s NOTHING formal about attending a formal. If we wanted to be classy and proper while getting drunk we’d go to like, a wedding or something. If you didn’t get the memo that your parents just paid $150 a head so that you could do drugs in the bathroom and bounce as soon as the bar tab runs out, consider yourself informally fucked.

39. Twitter

11 May

So like, we get that at first everyone thought Twitter was retarded. We admit it, we were those people too. (I mean, how lame are Facebook status updates? And now there’s a whole website devoted to them? Yuck!) We know that nothing sounds lamer than a website that only lets you talk in 140 characters at a time. Betches’ thoughts are wayyyy too complex to be subject to limits like that. Limits are for nice girls and poor people.

But then something happened. One day we realized that twitter was the shit and we just had to make one because all of our friends did. We were afraid that people were #1 talking shit about us on a medium we didn’t even have access to. We had to get involved. And now there’s no turning back. As soon as we created our betchy username, threw in an inspirational quote under our bio (I love music, laughing, random bits of knowledge, and Diet Coke!), and realized that people literally follow you, we were hooked.

So what makes twitter so amazing, other than the fact that it’s a narcissist’s dream?

How do I teach this bird to say slut?

1) Twitter Wars:

Talking shit on AIM was so 2003, and only a fucking loser calls someone out on Facebook. Twitter is the perfect instrument for passive-aggressive #28 betch brawls. So maybe we’ve all been making fun of Kelly because she gained some #5 weight. You would never write “@kelly is a fat cunt.” Obvi. Instead, what funnier way is there to rehash our inside joke than by tweeting about it using #9 nicknames and @mentioning all of our besties except for her! Still betches, watch what you tweet, because the Tweet and Delete is okay in theory, but it’s already been out there for everyone and their Twitter-for-Blackberries to see. No one wants to add excessive shit-talking tweets to their list of #13 Sunday morning regrets.

2) Letting the world know that you’re hot shit:

“Just checked into Four Seasons Maui! Sitting next to @chelseahandler at dinner! #NowEveryoneKnowsHowRichIAm #ImBetterThanYou.

If you go somewhere cool, and you don’t tweet something funny about you and your besties being at “the hottest new restaurant!!” then you might as well have not even been there. Unless you’re #6 muploading, of course.

3) Keeping up with the news:

We know what you’re thinking. Betches don’t #2 keep up with the news. With Twitter, all of that is about to change! Even the most ignorant betches can now be in the know. Fuck the New York Times, Twitter provides a quick and handy tool for us to find out what’s going on, in case our parents call us and want to talk about something serious. If Kourtney Kardashian’s tweet, “Wow!! Ding dong the witch is dead! #osama,” hadn’t prompted us to turn on the tv to find some really #27 tan guy giving a speech about how Osama bin Laden died, we probably would’ve just assumed she was happy that her bitchy Middle Eastern manicurist finally quit.

So betches, if you don’t have a Twitter you should make one ASAP, because you’re only as cool as the number of people who follow you on Twitter that you don’t follow back. #betchesluvthis

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