Archive | June, 2011

Betches Love This Movie: Bad Teacher

30 Jun

Fuck Rotten Tomatoes and their bullshit rating system (other than Bridesmaids being legit), Bad Teacher was seriously the betchiest (read: best) movie since Mean Girls. Other than the fact that it was like, Wedding Crashers level hilarity (Note: this means it was slightly less funny than the original Hangover), there are soo many reasons why this movie just oozes betchiness.

If you didn’t see the movie, we don’t recommend you read any further. Not because we’re spoiling anything you can’t guess from the previews, but because you’ll probably be bored and won’t have a fucking clue what we’re talking about.

Why we liked it: The movie was packed with mind games, arch nemeses, betch brawls, and Cam Diaz definitely not doing any fucking work.

And it definitely had elements of Clueless. It was sooo Cher Horowitz when Cam was telling the fat ugly teacher how to flirt with those hidayous cowboys. The look on her face when she saw them dancing was textbook Cher and Dion admiring Mr. Hall and Ms. Geist. Old people can be soo sweet!

Cam tries to play nice girl but she can't fucking help but dress like a slut


Let’s talk about Cameron Diaz.  Too bad we already forgot her character’s name. She was the ultimate betch in every way possible, but the thing that we loved most about her was her extreme #24 insensitivity. And narcissism. She was two steps ahead of literally every single other person for the entire movie.

Cam’s major downfall – She was like, too betchy for her own good. So betchy that she lost her #62 Pro even though they were already engaged because she was too insensitive to know that his birthday was that day. 

(Side note: Betches, when we tell you to find a Pro to make your husband, we don’t mean you should be settling for just anyone with a fat wallet, you should actually like this person. That said, he should still like you more.)

The plot involved scheming, manipulation, betch brawling, and shit talking. Let’s discuss the feud between Cam and the red haired freak, who was conveniently already #9 nicknamed Squirrel. Actually no, we’d much rather just talk shit about Squirrel for being the headcase she was.

The. Fucking. Worst. She was simultaneously a nice girl, but like casually the #25 arch nemesis and turned out to be extremely manipulative and a definite #7 BSCB. We get the vibe the actress will be seen next on either SNL or in the next Judd Apatow movie. Bitch has the ugly-funny thing down to a tee.

The Justin Timberlake/love triangle thing: We sometimes like Justin Timberlake, but he was such a fucking tool in this movie. We get it, that was his character, but seriously he was soooo lame. Other than the fact that he was rich, he dressed like a weirdo, had terrible game, and was obviously a #33 nice guy trying to play a bro. You can’t pull off being straight if you’re going to both act like an extreme tool and maintain that high-pitched tone. No Justin, just no.

We get why Cam was slightly into him, with the whole big fish-small pond thing going on at work, and the fact that he told her he wasn’t ready to date. Plus she was already an established gold digger and one of his ambiguous relatives conveniently owned a fictitious but probably expensive watch company.

But the fact that he was into Squirrel?! This sealed the coffin on his sanity. She wasnt even remotely able to pass as normal to the point that anyone who was into her romantically was also obviously fucking nuts.

The gym teacher snuck up on us a little. In the beginning we assumed he was a nice guy. But no, he was actually a hilarious and chill fucking bro and was totally D to get wasted and smoke weed at all times. Betches, it quickly became clear to us that this man was not only #19 ugly hot but he was kind of a fucking badass.

Part that bothered us: What to say about the fact that the whole movie was centered around Cam getting money for fake tits? We’re not really into that because betches are born hot enough already, but we respect a betch with a goal and we realize this was just a plot device conjured up by stupid Hollywood producers. We get it, why not reap the full benefits of the R-rating and appeal to bros by making half of a movie about Cameron Diaz’s boobs?

Also it was unrealistic that her ex fiancé pro had such horrible teeth. Hello, veneers.

Our favorite part: Though the plot of this movie was slightly absurd, the actual dialogue was so fucking real. That part when Cam was telling the ugly fat kid in the gymnatics sweatshirt that he would never get with the popular girl, and probably not with any girl at least until college. Honestly, she couldn’t have said it better. No one points out these things in life, like ever, but Cam was betchy enough to #1 talk shit to his face and not behind his back. We liked that about her.

So betches we highly recommend you see Bad Teacher, it’s one of those movies you don’t even have to be high for it to be fucking hysterical. +10.

Betchography: Boston

30 Jun

Betch factor (1-10): 2

The Betch Who Lives There: Wishes she didn’t and will leave as soon as she’s done with school. Since there’s no fashion or PR in Boston, any girl with a job in this city is probably doing something like working in a hospital or a lab. That clearly means she’s a nice girl. We don’t have to explain why wearing a long white lab coat every day is a betch’s worst nightmare. To cope with the pain of living around so many girls who wear eyeglasses without even trying to make a trendy statement, the Boston betch spends most weekends on Newbury Street. This street is like an oasis for the Boston betch in the midst of a fat, Dunkin Donuts eating, beer guzzling, guys with weirdly-buzzed Frankenstein haircuts city. She can get brunch at Sonsie with her fellow miserable betches, buy some decently hot outfits, and pretend for an afternoon that she’s in New York.

J Lo can't fucking wait to get out of Boston

She Avoids: Virtually every bar in the city. A betch never goes into a pub. This city is crawling with pubs with names like Flanagan O’Malley’s. If any word is the opposite of betch, it’s pub. Avoid at all costs.

A Betch Who Visits Should: Have her fucking head examined. If for some reason you find yourself here, find a bro at a hotel bar and make him take you to the Celtics/Red Sox game. Of course, anything less than courtside seats or a luxury box is extremely unbetchy. Also, hang out in Harvard Square and see if you can find a Harvard Business School bro, and like, never work. Work is like any awful life-ruining addiction, once you start it becomes much harder to stop. Best to avoid in the first place.

Redeeming Factor: You’ll be the hottest girl in the city, and you might even be able to eat more than 1000 calories a day and still maintain that honor. We know, we’d never really do that, but it’s good to know we could. Also, the Boston metro area is not entirely awful. If you need to escape the actual city – and you do – there are a few places on the Cape, or even better, Nantucket, where a betch can easily throw on enormous sunglasses, have bros buy her overpriced drinks, and dress cute without getting nasty looks from girls who actually wear normal-sized football jerseys in public.

62. Pros

29 Jun

The relationship between a betch and a bro is quite complicated. We’re not talking about the actual romantic relationship. No, the complex part lies in how betches feel about the “Bro.” It should be said that as a betch matures, she begins to realize the waning appeal of the smack-a-beer-on-his-forehead frat-trastic bro.

Now betches, we don’t want to confuse you and feed you contradictory statements (or anything for that matter). Betches love douchebags, the SABs, and the games they play. But when we grow older, we start to look for a guy who’s a more mature version of the bro species, a guy who has “being nice” in his repertoire of capabilities but isn’t a #33 nice guy. A non-douchey douche. With that we introduce you to the Pro.

And we all know what happend to Blue...

The Pro is the bro morphed into an older, more determined bro. His best qualities were always people skills, creativity, and networking, but he no longer uses them to schmooze a new drug dealer or design an environmentally-friendly homemade bong. Now they are granted positions in the business and frat-banking world by friends of their dads and/or delusional people in HR who actually believe that these bros don’t do drugs. Ha fucking ha.

Side note: Betches know little about business and the professional world (aside from the meaning and benefits of quid pro quo) and we’re def not trying to get involved in that shit, but we’re definitely intrigued by what these “Pros” do all day. They think their job is the hardest fucking thing in the world but from what we understand, it basically involves making spreadsheets (i.e. lists), getting paid to attend happy hours, wearing pretentious Hermes ties, and pretending to know big words like “derivatives” aka living up their managing director’s ass. Really fucking hard.

Lehman Bros are no longer Pros

Don’t get us wrong, the Pro still parties and remains hot. Like we said, betches love Pros. There is nothing we’d rather hear on a #14 date than a Pro complaining about career bullshit, like how he has to wake up at 5 am or how amazing he is for securing a coveted slot on his boss’ lunch schedule. As he says this, a betch’s mind wanders directly to sex $$$.

Pros are ideal for twenty-something betches because they still maintain their aura of being a dickhead but without actually being one. Just as how in college we were never really friends with bros, and sometimes fucked them, the same applies to post-grad life in major cities with Pros. They get tables at clubs, are VIPs (in more ways than one), and can skillfully cut a line.

From now on betches, when allowing guys to flirt with you, look out for the Pros. They’re the ones who are hot like Roberto from Bachelorette and are motivated like Bradley Cooper in Limitless after he takes his Adderall NZT. Don’t let yourself be 25 still dating a bro. Remember, guys are five years behind betches in maturity, so a 22-year-old girl dating a 22-year-old bro would be considered borderline pedophilia. Pros over bros, betches. Just ask Britney Spears how much fun it is to get knocked up by an unemployed, backup-dancing fucking loser bro.

61. Yoga

28 Jun

As we’ve talked about at length, working out is an essential part of a betch’s life. The extent to which you (pretend to) work out says a lot about who you are and how you want to be portrayed to other betches. There are some betches who want everyone to know that they work out furiously, are always running to and from the gym, and are exercise bulimics extremely toned. These betches are doers and will probably do productive things like run marathons or become lesbians. On the other extreme exists the naturally skinny betch who claims she never works out. This betch is proud to be able to stuff her face and never go to the gym while watching all of her fatter betchy besties kill themselves on the elliptical. Sorry betch, can’t help it if my genes are superior to yours!

Matthew McConaughey tanning while doing yoga on the beach, might be in line for betch of the week.

Finally, we have the betchiest of betches, for whom there is only one socially acceptable workout. Yoga. Betches love yoga for so many reasons, it’s almost harder to think of things we don’t like about it. The best part about yoga is that it makes you seem deep, meditative, and chill. Even though most betches are not these things, chanting out a salutation to the sun allows you to manipulate yourself into thinking you’ve reached a certain fake Zen. For the 45 minutes that you’re in yoga, you’re given the chance to change up your manipulation tactics. For once, the only person you’re fooling is yourself (into thinking you’re really working out). Well, that’s not entirely true. Yoga and pilates make you lean, like Jennifer Aniston. Who would pay a monthly gym membership fee to get man muscles when you could pay $30 an hour to stretch in a room with other betches and tell people, and bros, that you’re super flexible and coordinated?

Yoga allows us to be girly while active! It’s the perfect betch hobby. What betch hasn’t felt like the shit, striding to her fav yoga spot wearing her tight Lululemon top and leggings? Walking around with our mat and bottle of Smart Water lets everyone think that we actually have shit to do.

Doing yoga is like working out without actually working out. Unlike annoying and intensive workouts like Soul Cycle or kickboxing class, doing yoga means we don’t have to sweat and we can even go when we’re hungover. Which, lets face it, is almost every day of the week. Betches don’t consume enough calories to burn that shit off anyway. It also allows us to meditate and de-stress from everyday major problems that life throws our way, like the closing of our fav restaurant or the lack of shit to watch on TV.

Why the fuck won't he call me back!?

Let’s talk about hot/bikram yoga versus regular yoga. Hot yoga makes you sweat and therefore feels like a bigger workout. However, it’s totally disgusting and makes your hair look like shit. We’d advise against this or finding a class in a different county.

If you’re a betch and you’re looking for a hobby you can do after getting your nails done or before getting ready to go out, yoga’s your move. You get to give people the vibe that you’re worldy and have practiced the teachings of old, wise Hindu ugly people while being trendy and learning how to breathe when your mom is being annoying. Just make sure that when you’re at yoga with your besties you’re not the first awkward betch to fall out of tree pose. The only thing that will get you is a home workout sesh with Richard Simmons and your aunt. Namaste betch, don’t talk to me until you’ve perfected fucking Warrior 2.

60. Sunglasses

27 Jun

Betches can’t rave enough about how much we love good weather. Other than the obvious benefits like #27 tanning and being able to show off our pedicure, one of the most underrated perks of good weather is that the sun being out calls for a betch to whip out her favorite accessory. Sunglasses.

Something about wearing sunglasses draws out your inner betch more than ever. Maybe it’s that wearing sunglasses fulfills a betch’s subtle inner desire to be shady, maybe some betches’ eyes are just really photosensitive. Maybe it’s the hope that you’ll be mistaken for a celebrity hiding from the papparazzi. Who knows. All we know is that if you don’t own multiple pairs of shades that cover at least two-thirds of your face, you’re definitely not a betch.

So why are sunglasses arguably a betch’s most important accessory?

Vibe: Wearing a huge fucking pair of sunglasses is a statement. We know we say this all the time, but nothing says fuck off like a massive pair of Tom Ford or Chanel sunglasses. Not only do huge sunglasses scream, “I’m fucking important, bitch. Move out of my way or I’ll spill my gigantic iced coffee on your head,” but they also tell the world, “I’m really fucking wealthy and therefore better than you.”

Appearance: The fact that sunglasses make everybody look better is as indisputable as gravity. But every betch has their own sunglasses style that expresses her personality. Are you going to pretend you’re a classy betch like Audrey Hepburn or pretend you’re a unique betch in your one-of-a-kind Wayfarers? Also, what betch hasn’t been insanely tired and hungover, dragging their ass out of bed but making sure to throw on their sunglasses so that their puffy eyes are hidden behind shades that say, “I’m in a mood, bitch, and it’s 9 am. Leave me the fuck alone.”

Avoiding people: Much like the #41 fake smile, a betch’s sunglasses are yet another weapon against having to interact with people we don’t want anything to do with. Suddenly the fact that your eyes are covered with plastic black lenses ensures that you will never have to make eye contact with, and therefore acknowledge, anyone you don’t want to. Even if you literally pass someone you know on the street.

Oh sorry, I was wearing my sunglasses so I didn’t see you!

You know you're a betch when your sunglasses weigh more than your head


Yeah fucking right. Sunglasses make shit darker, not fucking invisible.

There are some people who wear sunglasses for their traditional use, to block the sun from their eyes. We don’t know these people but we assume they’re ugly. There are also people who go the opposite route and wear sunglasses indoors or when it’s extremely cloudy or raining out. If these people aren’t blind, they’re most definitely huge assholes (The Situation, for example) and you should stay away from them.

So betches, since we can’t literally go around with a huge sign on our backs that reads “I’m pissed off and better looking than you,” huge sunglasses provide the next best statement. Remember, never underestimate the power of dark shades. The darker the lens, the easier it is to judge the people you’re with.

59. True Blood

26 Jun

Betches have a very limited choice of shows to like when it comes to TV that’s not reality. It gets hard to entertain ourselves in the off seasons of Jersey Shore, Keeping up With the Kardashians, and The Bachelor when we can’t watch strangers embarrass themselves for our own amusement. There are times when the shows we watch should be high quality and entertaining in like, a sophisticated way. With that we give you one of the betchiest networks on television, HBO. HBO is our reason for not fucking hating Sunday nights. And tonight’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for, it’s the season premiere of True Blood.

True Blood isn’t just a show, it’s a ritual, it’s a cult. It’s soooo good. Sundays are no longer about #36 not doing work and dreading your Monday morning internship. They’re about smoking pot with your besties and checking out the masterpieces that HBO has to offer.

Talk about a fucking love triangle.

So what’s so great about True Blood that makes betches everywhere devote an entire hour of their precious time every week? God, where do we fucking begin.

Sex: Something about the idea of having hot, steamy sex with someone while making sure blood doesn’t get on your new white jeans is pretty sexy. Talk about make-up sex with a guy who’s such an asshole to you that he wants to drain your fucking blood. Now that’s hot.

Vampires: Okay, so vampires are like totally pasty. Everyone has their flaws. But other than that they’re insanely betchy. They are extremely #24 insensitive, totally hot, and kind of cruel but in an edgy way. They practically scream betch. Plus they can glamour aka manipulate people into doing whatever the fuck they want. It’s like the only thing betches don’t have.

From nice girl to BETCH

Drama: Sookie Stackhouse is one lucky betch. She wouldn’t dream of being with fucking nice guy Sam, who repulses her. All the drama and angst surrounding this bitch’s sex life makes it impossible to look away. By their nature, shit’s always complicated with a vampire and we can’t help but love the winning strategies we witness in every episode. Betches are quick and assertive, and so is everything in this fucking show.

So betches, stay tuned tonight and witness one of the best shows ever made. Just when you thought fairies, werewolves, and mythology were for Lord of the Rings freaks, True Blood turns all that shit on its head. It’s okay if you sympathized with pot-smoking stoner betch maenad Maryann, just try not to eat a human heart. That might slightly cross over the line of betchiness. True Betches love True Blood.

Dear Betch…

26 Jun

Dear Betch,

How can I become more of a betch? I am sometimes too much of a nice girl. I was born rich and pretty, but I was raised to be nice and prissy, and that’s not very betchy according to you. I think I was meant to be a betch – I made a little tally and out of 55 items on the betch list, I liked a total of 33 – because I really like what betches stand for. What advice can you give me on how to become just a bit more assertive? (According to you, no betch group wants a Charlotte.)

Signed,
Betch-in-Training
______________________________

Dear Betch-in-Training,

First of all, betches don’t do work. Why were you making a tally of anything? That’s extremely ambitious and you’d be doing yourself a favor if you channeled these efforts into more betchy activities, like not making unnecessary tallies. You can still be a betch without loving everything on our list, although the more you like the better you are because you’re more like us and we’re the fucking best.

With that said, not everyone is cut out to be a betch. But just because you were raised to be nice and prissy doesn’t mean that you too can’t discover your inner betch. Being a betch is effortless. It’s a state of mind, not items on a to-do list. Betches are all unique and amazing for different reasons, if we were all the same we’d be boring, like nice girls and nerds. Being a betch is about having the confidence of knowing that you’re the fucking shit.

If you’re looking to be more powerful, betchy, and cool you should find yourself a betch mentor. Observing the actions of these world-renowned betches and how they don’t take shit from anyone will give you the inspiration you need to become a betch yourself. If you can find yourself a bitchy betch to guide you and get you to be that much meaner, that’s always a plus. Look at Cady Heron. Regina George like, invented her.

And to your last question about how to become “just a bit more assertive.” Listen, you seem like a smart girl. It should be clear that people don’t become “a bit” more assertive. You’re either assertive or you’re not. Refer to the last 10 minutes of Grease for cinematic evidence.

Sincerely,

The Betches
____________________________________

Dear Betch,

First of all, I’ve been a fucking betch for all 23 a-fucking-mazing years of my life, and your site is the best one I’ve been on yet (except for like Cosmo, so that’s pretty fucking good). My problem is this: I’ve been dating a totally hot bro for like 5 years already. We went to different colleges and long distance totally fucking sucked. Somehow, I managed to get through 4 years of staying with him while remaining a total fucking queen betch and he should know that it was fucking hard. I mean I loved #notfuckingbros for 4 years and getting to be totally betchy to a ton of bros, but still, it was fucking annoying. Anyway, after 5 years, he doesn’t want to get married yet. I’m fucking over it. My daddy’s going to cut me off soon, and I’m relying on this bro to fund my Louis Vuitton habit that I totally refuse to kick. So my question is how do I get this bro to fucking propose without giving him an ultimatum?

Love,
I want fucking carats
____________________________________

Dear I Want Fucking Carats,

We totally understand where you’re coming from. We’d be anxious about this too, but you’re only 23. We hope that writing to us helped you get this problem off your chest because a betch would never utter an ultimatum.

We know you’re looking to avoid that, but we’re glad you bring it up. Betches don’t give ultimatums, and here’s why. Giving an ultimatum is putting all your cards on the table. It’s a losing tactic and smells of desperation. Also, why would you want a guy to marry you because he felt like he had to? You’re a betch and the guy who you marry should be head over fucking heels in love with you and anxious to lock you down. If he’s not at this point now, skip to five years from now and he’ll probably fucking hate you and resent you for forcing him to marry you.

Reality check: most bros are not in any sort of rush to get married. Neither should you be. You might think you’re ready now, but unless this bro is like 6 years older than you it could end badly. Bros are at least 5 years behind betches in maturity level.

Also, why the fuck would you want to get married at 23? Do you know how many years of raging and looking out for only yourself you’re losing? Also, because betches are smart we know that your brain doesn’t fully develop until you’re 25, meaning you could be like, a totally different person in two years than you are now. Suddenly two years down the line you’re all grown up and decide that this bro’s asshole remarks and constant clubbing aren’t as charming as they originally were. Wait a while betch, hopefully you’re too cool to be locked down so early.

Since we don’t know your boyfriend it’s hard to give you really detailed advice, but we think it’s obvious by now that a betch’s default strategy is to play the game. Brush up on your tactics and you may have a chance at manipulating him into proposing.

Our last piece of advice is that whatever you do, make no mention of your desire to get married. Don’t push too many timelines or milestones. And especially avoid doing things that may imply an ultimatum, like getting an apartment, getting a dog, or going off your birth control without telling him.

Sincerely,

The Betches
____________________________________

Dear Betch,

I don’t have to compliment you on how much I love your site, because you probably already know everyone does. But I seriously need help!!! I have asked my friends and received their opinion but I need the Ultimate Betches’ advice. I have a boyfriend who is 4 years older and in med school that worships the ground I walk on. Everything would be perfect except recently . . . my best “guy friend,” (#50), who happens to be extremely attractive and rich, has recently confessed hes liked me for the past 5 years. I like and want both of them, so how do I have my cake and eat it too? Do I break up with my boyfriend or is this just a phase that will pass?

Sincerely,
One Confused Shallow Betch
____________________________________

Dear One Confused Shallow Betch,

The only way to have your cake and eat too in this situation is by cheating, so if you’re d for that go ahead. We recommend not doing that because cheating is trashy and it will end badly and no one will like you and everyone will call you a dirty whore. So if you’re not going to cheat then you’re going to have to make a choice.

Betches obviously #33 hate nice guys so it sounds like you secretly wish your ground-worshipping boyfriend would just leave you the fuck alone. Not to be held accountable for the breakups of people we don’t know, but we personally think you should go for the hot rich best “guy friend.” He sounds like he might be a catch.

We hate to quote ourselves, but there’s no such thing as guy friends. That being said, this guy might not even want to date you once you break up with your boyfriend for him. Nothing says losing like ending a relationship in order to get with someone, you start your new relationship mind game at a severe disadvantage.

If you do go for the friend, it’s important not to rush into this decision. Make sure that this friend is either ready to date you or down to play the game before you break up with your boyfriend. Anything less would be a waste of your time.

Our final caveat is that it’s really unbetchy to be a serial dater, so our other suggestion is to stop getting wifed up. It’s lame.

Sincerely,

The Betches

Betch of the Week: Britney Spears

24 Jun

This week’s betch of the week has been inspiring us to dress like a slut ever since we were eight years-old. She is the Queen of teen pop, she’s sold over 100 million records worldwide, and she’s the best selling female artist from 2000-2010. Love her a lot or like her a little, she’s Britney Fucking Spears.

Hardcore betches have loved Britney since the days of the Mickey Mouse Club, and have been vehemently stalking her life ever since. Little betches-in-training everywhere were hooked ever since they hit play on their cassette players; “Hit Me Baby One More Time” was the first glimpse into our betchy futures. In addition to dressing like a slut in her super-crop-top, she danced like one too, and was fucking amazing at it.

Not only were we hooked on the songs, but the videos were insanely cool. Who else could pull off a drugged up snake as an ultra chic necklace? From making sweaty look sexy in “I’m A Slave 4 U” to her betchy deny till you die antics about her virginity and romance with Justin Timberlake, Britney has been killing it since she hit puberty.

Brit even made an album devoted to every betch’s favorite activity. Blacking out.

Okay, so she became the BSCB for like six months. Shit makes sense, Britney’s had a tough life trying to hide from the media and having to deal with annoying people from PETA and that loser hick Kevin Federline. The media seriously had to stop giving her so much shit for putting her son on her lap, everyone knows that’s what the nanny is for. Whatever, Britney came back with Circus and was better than fucking ever. Who cares if she’s medicated to the point of incoherence, betch can still perform.

Our fav Britney quotes are as follows:

“Tony Blair? I`ve never heard of him either. Who is he?”

“The cool thing about being famous is traveling. I have always wanted to travel across seas, like to Canada and stuff.”

“I’m rich, freakin’ rich. It’s crazy.”

Britney will remain in our hearts forever. If legendary Betch Madonna thought she was worth making out with in front of millions of people, then her music is definitely worth listening to. She even added dubstep to “Hold It Against Me!” Need we say more? For all of you haters, either shut the fuck up or go listen to Xtina’s You Are Beautiful, or some shit. You’re clearly not a betch. Regardless, we can’t wait to see what’s next for our favorite pop star. It’s Britney, Betch.

58. House Music

23 Jun

As we’re sure it’s obvious to everyone, we’re living in the course of a musical revolution. And because betches are always one step ahead of the game, not only are they cruising on this techno train, but they’re the fucking conductors. We’re talking about a time when iPods are half way filled with different DJs, when SHM isn’t a fucking physics term, and when two of a betch’s best friends are Armin and Benny. We’re talking about the uprising of house music.

Of course we understand that music is a very sensitive topic for almost everyone so we’ll try to be as delicate as betches are capable of being. But, if you have not the slightest clue as to what we’re talking about, it’s time for you get out from under your ugly rock.

Let’s break it down:

House music has always been a shady underground genre of music associated with partying until dawn and a shit ton of ecstasy, mostly in Europe. But it’s been brought to an entirely new level. As soon as people (and betches) hear that Steve Angello is going to be in Vegas this summer, they immediately start planning their trip. And by people, we mean everyone and their mothers.

Betches love the house music era because it makes it widely socially acceptable that they’ll not only be rolling their faces off, but they’ll also be dressing like sluts in neon. Put on your “effortless” outfit of high shorts, crop top, and your biggest fucking sunglasses and flock to the next summer festival. Betches have always been jealous of their hippy parents who went to Woodstock in ‘69. Well, now we have our own Woodstock, only better, and it happens 20 times a year.

We understand that there are some alternative/hater betches out there who aren’t into this shit…but get a grip. You can’t get the fuck away from dubstep even if you tried. Betches won’t even come close to a song that doesn’t have some form of extreme bass lines incorporated, or isn’t by an artist called Crystal Method or A-Trak. Even Nirvana is remixed. It’s a fucking Revolution.

Betches’ #23 pregames have never been the same since house music became popularized. During a pregame, the betch with the new best song is always the most respected. Whether she’s found the new cool blog or fucked some up-and-coming DJ, she has a one-up on the rest of the group. Pregames now consist of everyone dropping their heads, waving their arms, and taking shots to the beat. But it doesn’t stop at the pregame, if the bar or the party doesn’t take some form of a rave, a betch is fucking bored.

The house craze also gives betches the perfect opportunity to go fucking wild. There’s no better feeling than the one everyone has as the music approaches “the drop.” The drop gives betches an excuse to carelessly, yet violently, shake their hair and entire body. There’s something about Deadmau5 that makes it chic to look like a retard mid-orgasm.

The times have changed so much that even being a promoter isn’t even remotely cool. Now the new thing is to be a DJ. If you don’t know at least one friend small Persian kid that is yearning for a spot on stage at Electric Daisy Carnival, you are not a betch.

So betches, start planning your outfits for next year’s Ultra, buy yourself some lollipops, and try to come up with a good answer for your parents as to why they haven’t met your BFF Molly.

57. Hating girls who are TGF

22 Jun

So you’re at the bar trying to master the art of seeing and being seen while really fulfilling your greater desire to text in the corner and have annoying people stop approaching you. You’re having a standard night, saying hi to a few girls, hug a few #50 guy friends, and let some bro buy you a drink while you both admire how amazing your pedicure looks in your open-toed pumps.

That’s when you see her out of the corner of your eye. That friend who just can’t help but let the whole world know she’s a huge desperate whore. You and the rest of the bar know just who this girl is. She’s the girl eye-fucking everyone in sight, she’s the one lingering in and around the bar trying to take advantage of the drunkest guy there. The guy who’s too fucked up to realize she’s annoying and/or ugly. She is undeniably TGF, Trying to Get FUCKED.

We can understand why Rizzo was TGF with that haircut

Now every normal person who’s not a home schooled freak or has witnessed pop culture in the past 5 years knows what DTF is, and frankly there’s nothing wrong with that. We respect every girl’s choice to be a slut if she so chooses, after all it’s 2011 and it can be hard to continuously reject the massive amount of bros coming your way, all trying to get it in. Betches can and occasionally do have sex with bros while making sure to time it perfectly enough that we maintain an overwhelming majority of power.

TGF however, is simply unacceptable. Being DTF is being open to the idea of having sex if it so presents itself. Being TGF is projecting an oozing vibe of desperation for someone anyone to have sex with you. When a bitch is TGF, you can’t always even see it, but you can definitely feel it. It’s kind of like the wind, or our trust funds.

Any betch knows that while having sex with bros is okay and even encouraged in some circumstances, being down to fuck anything with a pulse is revolting and sad. If people don’t hate you, they’ll inevitably feel sorry for you and wonder what your father did to you to have gotten you to this low point of insecure sexual deprivation.

So betches, if you find that one of your besties has come down with a case of TGF, you should sit her down and knock some fucking sense into her. No one is going to buy the cow if said cow is shoving milk down your fucking throat. It’s a sign of low quality produce. So if you find yourself taking home the guy who all your friends have rejected, lingering at the bar until every last guy has gone home, or texting every bro in your phone that you’re DTF, make an immediate appointment with a psychologist bitch, you’re fucking infected.

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