Archive | July, 2011

Dear Betch…

31 Jul

Dear Betch,

Finally, some betches who know the deal and tell it like it is…love what you’re doing here. Here’s my sitch. I was brought up getting my way in every situation. My mom, a Queen Betch, instilled in her little betches the importance of marrying a rich man and getting everything you want without having to actually do anything except look stunning, raise a baby or two, and be a complete betch. Last year I met an incredible man who makes me so happy, and we now have a house and two dogs, and are on our way to “happily ever after.” Problem is, he’s not rich…at all. He has a blue collar job and he’ll most likely never make more than 100-150K a year. Can love sans tons of $$$ = happiness?

Am I a terrible betch to be thinking that I can’t marry this amazing guy because he doesn’t have “betch husband financial status”? In need of some betchy insight.

Sincerely,

Crazy Betch in Love

 

Dear Crazy Betch in Love,

Developing feelings is dangerous and can often lead to bad decisions. That being said, betches aren’t heartless, snobby, gold digging whores so we get why you might have fallen for the poor guy. In this scenario you’ve got two options.

1) Dump po’ boy and find a rich pro who might be a huge asshole but might make up for it in presents (yay!) and mind games (double yay!!). Remember that if you choose this option you should definitely NOT get a prenup or you might as well choose option 2.

2) Stay with your lovable poor guy and get a real job. Beware that you might resent him two years down the road when your love/lust has faded but the diamonds your bestie’s pro husband gave her have not. However, if you don’t mind doing work, which most betches do, this is a viable option.

Whichever option you pick, decide soon so you don’t wind up old and poor.  Remember, if you don’t think through your decision to marry rich, you could wind up sharing custody with a glorified sperm donor who used to have all his hair.

Sincerely,

The Betches

 

                                                                

 

Hey betches,

I am taking a fucking summer class which sucks… but there is an extremely uglyhot guy in my class!  He is so rich and smart and funny and if he had better clothes, he could possibly be a Pro later in life.

The thing is, he would never think of asking me out or asking for my number because 1. we’re in a class together, and 2. I don’t think he thinks I would date him!

How can I go about getting him?!

Thank you!  Keep up the great work!

 

Dear loser taking a summer class,

Next to being blackout, being in a class is the easiest way to meet a guy. Take Cady for example, she just dumbed herself down to get Aaron Samuels to talk to her. The possibilities are endless The limit does not exist.

However, we don’t suggest you make yourself look like a fucking idiot in front of him because even though guys like to be the smarter half of the relationship, betches are supposed to be intelligent.

That said, the best way to meet this ugly hot bro is to wait for him to fucking approach you. We don’t give a shit if this guy looks like Quasimoto, betches don’t make the first move. So really the only thing you can do is wear a low cut shirt and not be a total fucking bitch when he does approach you.

Honestly, thinking that he wont ask you out because “he thinks you wouldn’t date him” is a load of shit. That sounds like something the delusional dater would think, and like my 12 year old sister.

Sincerely,

The Betches

Obetchuary of the Week: Amy Winehouse

29 Jul

This week’s betch of the week title goes to a legendary and talented betch, who died far before her time. We’re talking about the ultimate, and perhaps too much at times, Bat Shit Crazy Betch, Amy Winehouse.

At 24, she had six Grammy award nominations and five wins, and is the singer of the ultimate in betchy songs, “Rehab”. She has won Record of the Year, Song of the Year, and Best Pop Vocal Album Award. Fuck auto-tune, this isn’t Countess Count LuAnn’s Chic C’est La Vie bullshit. Amy’s voice was sensational.

Amy Winehouse has been pissing people off since she was 14 and was expelled from school for piercing her nose and ‘not applying herself’. We assume the piercing wasn’t what got her in trouble, but the quick stop she made at #10 candyland before school probably did it.

In true betchy style, this only made Amy give less of a shit about what anyone thought of her. Since then, Amy has been driving the media crazy with her drug and violence allegations and has been perfectly described as  “a perfect storm of sex kitten, raw talent and poor impulse control” by Newsweek.

Some of our favorite Amy quotes are as follows:

Nothing betchier than having your own Barbie.

“It’s not important to me to make other people at ease. I am difficult, but that’s because I don’t really give a fuck.”

“Yeah, I’m an open book. Some men do think I’m a psycho bunny-boiler. But I think that’s funny. If you’re nice to me I’ll never write anything bad about you. There’s no point in saying anything but the truth. Because, at the end of the day, I don’t have to answer to you, or my ex, or … I shouldn’t say God … or a man in a suit from the record company. I have to answer to myself.”

Finally, like former Betch of the Week Kate Moss, Amy’s crazy style has been an inspiration for an entire fashion movement. Karl Lagerfeld dubbed her the new Brigitte Bardot and made her drugged up/anorexic look a chic new market for the elite. So betchy.

So R.I.P. Amy Winehouse, we’ll always remember you for being a badass betch who didn’t take shit from people and never tried to kid anyone into thinking she wasn’t the music industry’s hottest hot mess.

Oh and stop saying she should have gone to rehab, that joke is as original as Blue Steel.

Betches Love This Movie: Friends With Benefits

28 Jul

Dylan: “Why do women think the only way to get a man to do what they want is to manipulate him?”

Jamie: “History, personal experience, romantic comedies, … Betches Love This Site.”

So, let’s talk about Friends With Benefits #50 Guy Friends. One would think that that this was a seriously betchy movie given the cast, the age range, and the open discussion of sex, guy friends, and VIPs. However, there was something about it that made us feel really uncomfortable. Like the guy who makes your iced coffee but looks at you with what can only be his creepy sex smile. We’re not sure what it was about this movie, but it’s probably Justin Timberlake.

Would have been more convincing if there was a twist ending like, "Surprise, I'm gay!

We don’t know who keeps giving JT the memo that he can act but the success of ‘Dirty Pop” in no way qualifies him to grace the silver screen whenever he fucking feels like it. He’s fucking annoying, and we’ve come to the conclusion that HE is where the movie took a wrong turn.

Oh yeah, and the fact that there was a movie with the exact storyline released four months ago. Whoops. It’s like, were Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman such #25 arch nemeses on the set of Black Swan that Mila couldn’t have texted Natalie at some point – “scored starring role in movie about fucking a guy but not being in a relationship.” Someone should’ve figured this shit out. Talk about miscommunication.

Anyway, let’s move on to the actual movie. While it does prove our point that guy friends don’t exist, the fact that they would even pretend that Mila Kunis’ character would ever be interested in this weird relationship with Justin where they have sex but he never takes her to dinner is fucking ridiculous. Once she decided he was acceptable to befriend (fuck), she would’ve been in love with him in like 30 seconds flat.

Also, her ‘I’m so adorably clumsy and chill’ routine got old back around Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Ugh, we’re nauseous just thinking about it.

Look at me I'm so cute I can pull off this stupid fucking flower in my hair.

Hollywood has to stop mindlessly dramatizing this “I’m like, so fucked up, I can’t have a normal relationship” bullshit because it just was peripheral fluff in this movie. ‘My dad’s sick, my mom’s a whore, blah blah fucking blah. I have commitment problems.’

That being said, we’ll admit there were definitely some funny lines in the script and we enjoyed Mila learning her lesson when she failed to #8 not fuck bros too soon, even if he was a pro doctor.

We also loved that Andy Samberg had a cameo in this shit. Honestly, we might have been much happier watching him walking around the offices of GQ moping about his dad’s Alzheimers than the fucking queen of pop, JT.

Oh and Emma Stone was hysterical. All five of her lines were LOL. We love nothing more than making fun of John Mayer and the fact that “Your Body Is a Wonderland” brings nice girls to tears.

So if you haven’t seen Friends With Benefits, you should check it out, because it’s decent and frankly there isn’t enough weed in the world to get us to sit through Winnie the Pooh.

77. Shopping

27 Jul

As you’re probably reading this while navigating the shoe section of Bloomingdales, it should be obvious that the holy grail of all betchy activities is shopping.

Let’s be serious, shopping goes deep. It’s not just something we do, like going to our jobs tanning at our pools. It defines us. Going shopping is like, a tri-weekly soul-searching experience. It’s the only thing that brings us closer to Zen. Besides Xanax.

Whether you’re more of a Saks or Neiman girl, a boutique hunter, or a slave to the trends of Intermix, LF and Top Shop, you’re probably better equipped to maneuver your way to their fitting rooms while blindfolded than you are to find the bathroom of your own fucking house in the middle of the night.

We’re here to justify your shopping addiction. An alcoholic’s sponsor would tell him that he doesn’t need alcohol. Fuck that. You require shopping.

My closet is already worth hundreds of thousands of dollars? Whatever. I’m feeling a little empty right now.

Not only is shopping therapeutic, but the things we buy are essential in shaping the image we project to other betches. Every betch knows that one of the greatest challenges in wardrobe selection is finding the balance between dressing for the season like everyone else you know, and showing off her “individuality.”

Speaking of wardrobe selection, building the perfect collection each season is necessary and fun. Every betch has her staples: multiple bandage skirts, flowy silk tops in every color, a variety of jeans in all cuts and shades, stilettos for any occasion, and the obvious high-end items – the Hermes belt, the classic Chanel, the daytime Balenciaga, and so on.

Still, even though there are a few tops in your closet that you bought three weeks ago and haven’t worn, you like, really need to get another one for tonight.

Shopping is a ritual. It’s a way of life.

It’s not just about the clothes or having the best new shoes and handbags, it’s the lure of anything and everything that’s for sale. Betches get excited when they walk into the beauty section of fucking CVS. Ugh I really need that new Paul Mitchell Conditioning Gel Straightening Volumizing Finishing spray… maybe another Moroccan oil…

And finally we have online shopping. Ugh, where do we begin. It’s shopping without doing work. You already had your morning workout so why waste your Adderall on poring through clothes racks when you can sit on your computer and do the same thing? If you’ve found yourself waiting for the package from Nasty Gal, which you charged to your shady “emergency credit card” because you were nervous – not that your parents would see how much you spent – but because your mom would think that your dad’s ordering porn, you are not alone.

Plus, online shopping is great for the discounts, and since sales aren’t betchy, no one has to know you actually utilized a sale. Gross. Really though, are you a Gilt Groupe stalker? You should be. Like how can you possibly pass on getting 10% off that gorg Chloe clutch when you only have to spend a minimum of $250 on clothes? What a steal.

So what if you get a speech from your parents bimonthly about how you aren’t fooling anyone by splitting your purchases on three of daddy’s credit cards and that your lavish habits are irresponsible and undeserved, or some shit like that.

“You need to know the value of the dollar!”

No Dad, you need to know the value of my white collarless shirt from Fred Segal.

Besides, betches know everything, especially that the value of a dollar might as well be zero. That’s exactly why we don’t waste our time trying to make any. You know what betches know the value of? A husband.

So remember, you are what you wear and how you dress. Next time your dad flips a shit about the credit card bill, just stay calm and remind him of that thing you learned once in Personal Finance Management 101. You need to spend money to make money. And no man will marry you in last season’s Loubs.

76. Hating Guys Who Give You Their Number

26 Jul

So you’re at this bar and you met this guy you’ve been talking to for like, 25 whole minutes. He buys you a few drinks and suddenly your friends are ready to leave. You tell him it was nice to meet him and thanks for the vodka sodas. But before he lets you slip away, he drops the bomb.

“You should take my number, we should meet up sometime.”

Red. Fucking. Flag.

If a guy offers you his number without taking yours, the only thing you should even consider doing with that would be a fun prank call with your besties. This is how you show him how much betches love to make the first move.

Who does he think you are? A fucking nice girl who would actively pursue a guy? If I’m gonna wait two hours just to open your text message, what makes you think that I would ever spend the time unlocking my iPhone to call you?

We’re all about the feminist movement, but fucking please. What? Is he expecting you to text him and ask him out? Unless Prince Harry is giving you his number you’re not falling for that shit.

The bro’s end goal is obviously to have sex with you. Why would you be the one to do the work involved in expediting this process? When you call him first you’re a hop, skip, and a jump away from paying for his dinner and doing his fucking laundry. Not betchy.

A guy’s job is to impress you, but giving you his number and not taking yours is him giving you an opportunity to impress him. VOM. This is big for #70 delusional daters, who might take this as a sign that he’s in love with her. Sorry, if a guy is interested in you he will make sure he has your number.

Truth: Wake the fuck up. He gave you his number so that he could choose to ignore you if he wants.

Same goes for business cards. That’s code for “I’m a douchebag with a job.” The only seven digits you’re interested in taking from this conversation is an estimate of his income.

If you respond to this move, that means you’re texting him first. This means you start off losing, which is a pretty bad sign for the rest of the game. This isn’t the Special fucking Olympics, there’s no reason to start any game when you’re at a disadvantage.

It’s easy for any cheeseball loser to go around handing out his number like it’s a fucking Obama sticker in Times Square, but this just means that this asshole is afraid of rejection. A guy who gives you his number and doesn’t take yours means he lacks confidence, therefore he’s not a SAB and you also wouldn’t want to date him, so basically he’s good for nothing.

The only time a guy's name should be on a napkin is his bar mitzvah


Anyone who a betch would date would definitely not have a fear of rejection.

Disclaimer: This is not a go-ahead to become a phone number slut to pre-empt this problem. Your number should only be given if you’re into the guy and he’s earned it through impressive #47 pick-up lines or getting you fucked up enough that the only thing you can remember is your number.

If a guy only gives you his number he’s not that fucking into you. A betch is the ultimate prize and her attention is not something that comes easily. Would you hand a mink a knife and tell it you’ll be back for your fur coat tomorrow?

75. Froyo

25 Jul

As we’ve reiterated countless times, when it comes to food, a betch prefers to pretend it doesn’t exist. Watching a few episodes of Half Ton Mom or hell, even the Real Housewives of New Jersey usually does the trick in order to tune out our stomach whenever our bodies are screaming at us that they want nourishment. However, betches want to live and therefore it’s necessary to consume something, sometimes. When this happens, the answer is clear. Frozen yogurt is the way to go.

Little did the inventors of miracle whip know that with their creation they’d provide the only source of calories for betches all over the globe. Okay, so maybe there was this one time when you were #3 abroad in Florence that you ate gelato on a class trip, but this was just to assure your classmates that you weren’t anorexic.

We’re in America now betches, no fucking excuses. Betches might as well donate their teeth to charity since the only food they eat comes in partially liquid form. Our hunter and gatherer ancestors clearly have never been to fucking Tasty D-Lite.

As with everything betches do, the rest of the world just can’t help but latch on to our trendy and awesome ways. While the 1920s experienced World War I and the 1940s went through World War 2, us betches of the 21st century get the pleasure of enduring the Fro-Yo Wars. There are so many fro-yo options for the modern betch that we don’t even know where to begin. 16 Handles or 40 Carrots? Pinkberry? My Berry? I don’t give a shit berry.

Even the smart betches are fucking confused because they all sell the same exact shit with a different name and interior design.

What fucking fat bitch put cookie dough on my froyo!?!?


Betches love frozen yogurt because it gives us the taste of ice cream any flavor to something that’s touching our palate. Between salads with no dressing, diet coke, and ex-lax it’s hard to find something with actual taste to put in our mouths that isn’t jam packed with cellulite-filled calories and fat.

Froyo is the best of all worlds because it actually tastes good and promises not to make us the fattest girl at rehab. We can even add a sprinkles or strawberry topping if we haven’t eaten in like, 3 days.

So betches, remember to maintain a well balanced diet. Meat is for men, grains are for fatties, fruits are for vegan hipsters, and vegetables are for dates. You know what they say, a large froyo for breakfast, lunch, and dinner each day keeps the Pros at bay.

Dear Betch…

24 Jul

As much as we love reading your emails, some of them are just fucking absurd. So, to spare you some time, here are teasers of a few:

Subject:

What is your take on hipsters?

Do betches share clothes with their besties?”

Are cigs betchy?

Can you be a betch and a virgin at the same time?

Is it betchy to be a jew?

We thought this one was worth it to show the entire email:

It’s so unbetchy to spell things wrong.  like, just because we don’t read doesn’t mean we aren’t way smarter and wittier than our peers.  that being said, please use the possessive “its contents” in this sentence instead of “it’s”!!!

“They can like, touch a wand piece of wood and identify it’s contents as unicorn hair, dragon heartstring, and fucking hazelnut, as well as who the owner is, but Hermione can’t BBM text (sorry, old habit) Harry to warn him that Voldemort’s coming?”

love and #41 fake smiles,

an ivy league betch who def had better things to do at midnight than wait in line for a movie

Dear All,

Asking “am I a betch?” or “is (blank) betchy?” is extremely unbetchy. For the millionth time, betchiness is not entirely about what you like and hate. It’s mostly about your attitude. Part of that attitude is knowing you’re a betch and not needing to ask. Betches are not insecure, that’s what makes us superior. We’re not stupid, we have it together, and that’s what differentiates a betch from your run of the mill sorostitute or typical dumb biddy.

Speaking of dumb biddies, you cannot tell us what’s betchy or unbetchy. We invented betchy, calling our opinions unbetchy is retarded. Would you call up Alexander Graham Bell and tell him what he invented wasn’t the telephone?

If you disagree that’s cool, we live in a free country and no one’s forcing you to read. We’re not saying you have to listen to us, but you should think about why so many people do. Disputing what we think means you care too much.

So keep reading, keep commenting, and keep being betches. Remember, it’s not called Angry Bitches Love this Site.

Sincerely,

The Betches

 

P.S.

It’s so unbetchy… To email blog writers about spelling. We’re sure your ivy league education taught you about the phenomenon that is a typo. 

We know ours did.


—————

Hey betches,
so obviously i have the newest iphone in white because i’m a betch. but i’m on the search for the betchiest ringtones possible because obviously i need something loud and obnoxious and i mean, betchy, to draw as much attention to it as possible. help.

xo,
betch who’s tired of hearing the fucking iphone marimba ringtone every 5 minutes

 

Dear betch who’s tired,

Really?

Sincerely,

The Betches

 

 

Betch of the Week: Madonna

22 Jul

This week’s betch of the week has done it all, and not just because she’s old. She’s a singer, actress, dancer, author, and most importantly, a legendary betch. She is our beloved, original material girl betch. She is Madonna.

Now, one would think Madonna would have disappeared into obscurity twenty years ago or become some joke American Idol judge like Paula Abdul. But Madonna keeps reinventing herself and still manages to be hot and cool even though she’s over fifty. Every pop star with half a fucking brain knows she has to say that Madonna was her inspiration if she’s pretending like she wants to be taken seriously. But like, come on. Madonna singing “Express Yourself” wasn’t a personal fucking invitation for Lady Gaga to basically copy the entire song add an extra chord, and call it “Born This Way”.

At her 52nd Birthday. Betches love birthdays.

Betches also love Madonna because she taught us how to dress like a slut and clearly proved that she’s a master of not fucking bros in “Like a Virgin.” Oh and “Material Girl” basically taught us how to deal with SABs. “Some boys try and some boys lie but I don’t let them play. Only boys who save their pennies make my rainy day.”

Let’s talk about her personal life. She’s spiritual, super trendy, and she’s dated or married everyone under the sun from ugly hot Sean Penn to actually hot A-Rod. She and her daughter Lourdes even have their own clothing line. Talk about a betchy family.

She’s a fan of abbrevs and teaches betches-in-training our sacred language. A quote of her literary genius is mentioned in her book, “T.G.T.B.T: too good to be true.” We can’t forget to mention that her children’s book “The English Roses” is about four English schoolgirl besties who are extremely jealous of each other. Fucking duh.

Some of our favorite betchy Madonna quotes include:

“I’m tough, I’m ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.”

“Everyone is entitled to my opinion”

“I always thought I should be treated like a star.”

Madonna is back in the recording studio, and we have no doubt she will be reinventing herself until she’s 90, dressing like a slut in her chic Stair Chair. We wouldn’t be betches if we didn’t live our lives by Madonna’s lyrics:

“Did I say something wrong? Oops, I didn’t know I couldn’t talk about sex. Did I have a point of view? Oops I didn’t know I couldn’t talk about you.”

Betches Love This Scandal: Rupert Murdoch Talks Too Much Shit

21 Jul

Finally, another scandal. We’ve been waiting.

This week’s story involves gossip, phone hacking, really rich old #62 Pros, an overly ambitious ugly girl, epic downfalls of powerful people, and a hot Asian.

So Gawker and the Daily Intel, clearly the only trustworthy news sources left, tell us that Rupert Murdoch’s company News Corp, which owns everything, did a lot of fucked up shit to a lot of people.

News of the World, masters of discretion

One of the newspapers, British tabloid News of the World stole, among other things, a move right from Zoolander by doing whatever it took, no matter how many friends it lost or people it left dead and bloodied along the way, just so it could make a name for itself as an investigatory journalist.

Seriously, the paper hacked into hundreds of people’s phones and voicemails, from celebs and supermodels, to politicians we’ve never heard of, to your average 13 year old girl who went missing and died.

But they committed their most serious offense when they tried to fuck with our favorite Brits: Prince Wills and Kate, Hugh Grant, Jude Law, Sienna Miller, her mom, some people in Parliament, …their moms

Not that we didn’t hate them before, but it should be said now that betches hate tabloids. They are lowbrow. Maybe they’d be interesting if they were true, but again, betches don’t believe in things that aren’t real. Why go tabloid when you can go Perez?

Sure, betches love gossip and #53 shadiness. But we like shadiness from bros we’re trying to not fuck, not from a multinational newspaper conglomerate. Also, the essence of shadiness is privacy. Privacy makes things exclusive, phone hacking negates this.

Rupert Murdoch is NOT a SAB, he’s a scumbag.

Let’s talk about two of the female characters involved, one hot and one people are claiming is hot fugly.

Do me, Rupert

Everyone’s talking about this Rebekah Brooks. Tell me this woman isn’t a fucking lioness. And the media are calling her attractive! And #9 nicknaming her a “red-haired temptress” who “seduced” Murdoch. Like, what? She’s a full-on Lewinsky.

Whatever, this bitch had a lot of important jobs at News Corp, and we don’t remember the specifics, but it was totally all her fault. Her hair is fucking FULL of secrets. And we hope we’re not the first to say so.

But the real betch to come out of this story is Wendi Deng, Murdoch’s “Tiger Wife” who’s less than half his age and whom the media has already decided will be Charlie Sheen’s next wife.

So some angry bro threw a shaving cream pie at her hubby while he was testifying at Parliament and she straight up clocked this guy in the face. That’s badass, so we hit her up on Wikipedia, and not only could she have been a body double for Lucy Liu in Charlie’s Angels, but she’s an Ivy League betch who’s rich on her own (otherwise we’d call her on golddigging, obvi), and she’s also really fucking #5 skinny because she’s a vegan. Talk about a diet where the only acceptable foods are so revolting that your only choice is not to eat.

So, betches hate this “News of the World.” We like the name though, it reeks of narcissism. So betchy, we love that… Fortunately News of the World has been naturally selected out of the journalism space. Looks like the “news of the world” will have to come from someone else.

You’re reading it now. Later, Murdick.

74. Bottled Water

21 Jul

Between our incessant drinking and partying, betches rarely have time to ingest anything that’s not loaded with chemicals, poisons, and/or caffeine. With that we introduce to you the only pure thing we have any sort of affinity towards: bottled water.

No matter how pure the tap water in your city, water fountains are for the homeless and those who work at their soup kitchens. Because it’s the only pure thing we digest, we need to make sure that our water is expensive and super elite.

Expensive bottled water is a status symbol. So what if it all tastes the fucking same and is basically all from the same spring in Connecticut? If you tell a betch this, be prepared for her to tell you to shut the fuck up and join a protest if you’re going to be annoying. So what if we pay $5 at a movie theatre for a bottle of Dasani, which is really no more pure than the ice in your Diet Coke? Between that and the $7 peanut M & M’s we’ll be throwing up later, there are only so many ways to show everyone you’re better than them in a dark movie theatre.

Besides being a DJ, producing bottled water has to be the easiest fucking way in the world to make money. We’re brainwashed into thinking that any one bottle is different from any of the others, but go to your local upstate bumblefuck spring, fill up a plastic bottle, slap on a fancy label with some mountains and trees and shit and voila, you have a $3 bottle of your grandma’s bath water.

In case this isn’t already obvious, purified tap water is latin for cheap fucking bitch. Brita is NOT betchy. You have to spend time changing the filter and filling it up, which involves doing work, which we don’t do. Also, a way to decrease the cost of drinking my favorite water? No fucking thank you. I’m as likely to do that as I am to care about the plastic I’m wasting. If you’re walking around with store brand bottled water you might as well just get the fuck out of town before people start pitying you and letting you know when they’ll be cleaning out their closets so you can have their last season Tory Burch flats.

Poor water.

The choice really comes down, not to expensive or less expensive, but to what kind of vibe you’re trying to give off. Am I in a pretentious mood and about to ask our garçon for a Pellegrino? Am I feeling the sleek, trendy look of Voss? Or do I just want to relax next to the picturesque view of the Fiji Mountains?

So betches, remember, the only time you can be seen drinking tap water is when it’s in a boiling hot mug with lemon, and that’s only if it’s your fucking meal for the day. As famous bro Nelson Mandela once said, “Let there be work, bread, water, and salt for all.” Betches are so selfless that we only want one out of those four things. Be betchy, be pure, be green. Drink bottled water.

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