Archive | August, 2011

How To: Text Like A Betch

31 Aug

In this day and age, texting is by far the main form of communication among social circles. Knowing what to say and when to say it is pivotal in the image that you give off as a betch. So what’re the betchiest ways to text?

What you’re allowed to text about: It’s weird to initiate texting over mundane things. Save that for ichat, when the other person is clearly bored. If you’re texting me with a “hey what’s up” you better be following that up with details about the #23 pregame tonight or something at least as exciting as that you finally set the date for your nose job. God knows you needed it.

Sisters who text together, stick together.

It’s poor etiquette to text a betch things that could waste her time like, “I’m getting a manicure” or, “So I’ve decided that headbands are now my thing.” What you say should have high entertainment value.

When a casual conversation is over: Ends with “thanks” or any variation on “okay.”

How to strategically avoid people: With texting as opposed to #34 BBM, this has become a lot easier. Now you can find out that Rachel wants you to pick her up from the airport without her knowing whether or not you’ve seen it. Now you can ignore her because you were “napping.”

How to strategically avoid plans: When someone texts you to see what you’re doing, and you just know the follow-up is going to be “wanna chill?” the iPhone gives you the ability to buy some time while you conveniently go “run errands with your mom.”

At night: Oh no, Lauren just texted me and wants to know if we’re pregaming tonight… You now announce this to the room and depending on if she’s the #48 Dud or just generally disliked, everyone will start #80 bitching ugh no, sorry, she can’t.”

“Tell her there’s no room on the couch or that we were gonna have a pregame but there’s no alcoholor chasers…”

That way, it becomes win-win. If she doesn’t come, that’s great. If she does, now you have more alcohol.

Caveat: be wary of your use of social media while ignoring others. Like, if you’re ignoring your friend but you answer the group chat that she’s also in…congrats, you just blew up your own spot. Same with tweeting from your phone. I know you’re not dead! At least pretend like you’re doing something else.

How to become a text psychopath: Consistently texting the same person more than three times (Side Note: it used to be 1, and then BBM came around which is like instant messaging so it was kind of okay to send multiple messages. Because of that we’ll allow 3 now.) Any more than that and you’re annoying/harassing. Especially if, after your three texts, the person responds with the “kk.”

The “kk” is NOT your excuse to initiate a new topic.

The only time you call someone is: when you’re talking to your grandma or your parents, just so that the conversation ends quicker. And you’re allowed to call your friend, but only if you’re waiting for her because she’s fucking late.

Never leave a voicemail unless that’s going to be: “I’m fucking leaving without you bitch.

Assuming you don’t have a boyfriend, you should never EVER call a guy. Unless it’s to tell him you’re pregnant and it’s his.

Initiating texts with guys (Daytime): Do this seldom, and never twice before the guy has initiated at least once. And only if you have a reason to text him a specific thing that he would find interesting. You never begin with a “hey, what’s up” without an extremely worthwhile follow-up or an invitation to the pregame that your apartment’s hosting later that night. Ever.

Like we said you would never say “hey, what’s up” to a girl, so you CLEARLY should never say it to a guy. It’s too obvious. There’s a special spot reserved in hell for guys who are so lame that they have to offer girls their number. The treasure does not do the hunting. This guy should know that you have more important things to do than casually “check in” with him. You’re not his parole officer or his fucking head camp counselor.

Also, always be sure to wait anywhere from 10 minutes to 2 hours before answering any texts from guys, even if you saw it immediately. The bigger asshole you’re texting, the longer you should wait. I mean, sure you could be a complete loser with no life that has nothing to do all day but constantly check her phone, but he doesn’t have to know that….

You don’t send texts, you just get them. And none for Gretchen Wieners.

If a guy does not text you after you have initiated texting with him, he is NOT into you.

Initiating and Ending Conversations (Daytime, boys and girls): You should generally try to avoid being the last text, as letting someone else have the last word means that you are ending the conversation. Winning.

Unless of course you’re fighting with your #69 bestie, in which case you will continue to confront her until you have the last word on why Lady Gaga is really annoying and not creative and original like she tries to be.

But with a guy, you definitely don’t want to have the last word. If you do, it means he stopped caring first. Who starts and ends the conversation is a big deal in terms of the game.

Late Night Texting: is defined as an initiated after 10:30pm and before 5am, usually on the weekends.

In other words, at 2pm, you cannot text a guy “hey what’s up” with nothing to back it up, but after 10:30 at night, this phrase has a new meaning, mainly: Are you interested in having sex with me tonight?

Less points if you initiate the drunk late-night meet up, but at least it means you’re not the one being booty called, rather you are the booty caller. Generally best to avoid though because down the road it may lead to rejection on any given night. Very risky. This is unless of course he’s your #89 BBB and you don’t really care.

You should never initiate late-night #79 sexting. It should be inferred, never blatantly said. It’s all about suggesting to “hang out.” There’s lots of things we can do at 3am.

Deleting Texts: Frankly we would rather look at photos of dismembered natural disaster victims than the unanswered “I miss you” from Saturday night. You can’t be looking at that shit every time you look in your inbox. Deleting is necessary sometimes.

Saving Texts: You keep around that conversation where that #53 SAB said something sweet to you. See!

Now, the iPhone allows you bring to pick and choose which texts to delete, not just entire conversations. If you find yourself in a place of constantly deleting bad shit and saving only nice shit, you’re feeding into your own #70 delusion. Texting isn’t fucking PhotoShop. While you can accentuate the background in a picture to make your arm look skinnier, you CANNOT crop out the part of the convo where you told Ben you shaved for him.

The ?: You’ve all gotten and sent the question mark before. The question mark is an extremely passive-aggressive move because it usually comes from a place of latent anger and growing tension with someone. It’s like, “this is my last fucking warning before I start #1 talking shit about you. Don’t make me pull out the call.” You know you’re in deep shit when you’re getting a call.

The question mark with a guy: No.

Bottom Line: As in all aspects of life, maintaining the upper hand in any situation is always of the essence. Texts are hard evidence so make sure you think through the texting vibe you give off and what your texts say to others. It only takes a few faulty, annoying texts to turn you into the guy I only text for a ride home from the train station or the girl I only message for a copy of her take home final.

92. Love Triangles

30 Aug

As a betch, having many bros who are in constant pursuit of you can get tough at times. What happens when two bros you’ve been trying to keep #53 shady from each other suddenly cross paths? Or some other betch is trying to get her hands on your #89 back burner bro? How do you show the world that NO ONE tampers with your playing pieces?

The love triangle is a major part of the #32 game and it’s definitely something betches love and hate and love to hate. The details of every love triangle are different but they all come down to the same things: competition and manipulation of multiple others.

What is it with vampires and love triangles?

And obvi since betches have a deep appreciation for drama, love triangles make great vehicles for #1 talking shit. There’s no quicker way to land yourself on someone’s #25 WYDEL than to be the betch who’s fucking some other betch’s ex. Have a lot of fucking fun with that one.

Still, love triangles get complicated, and betches hate nothing more than being in situations that might make us emotional, or pretend to be. We’d rather do our own laundry.

With that, here’s how to play the love triangle game like a betch:

Object of the game: to win, fucking duh.

Let’s be clear, a love triangle only exists for as long as all involved parties care.

To reiterate, winning = not caring. So either you make sure you’re the first to fold, or you make sure you’re the one with the new hot, billionaire. The winner is the one who ends the game, plain and simple.

Game pieces: You need 3 people who all give a shit about each other, with only 2 it’s like every single episode featuring Ronnie and Sammi from Jersey Shore. It’s annoying without the extra person and there’s no need for drama and when only two people give a shit.

The Jealousy Card: There can sometimes be other “players” used to make the others jealous to help you win, but they’re usually disposable, not always useful, and possibly ugly.

Some jealousy cards are more powerful than others. A true betch knows exactly which to play and when in order to push any given bro’s buttons. Maybe there’s a guy you know he hates or that’s obviously way cooler than him. No one’s going to get jealous when you start fucking the school mascot or some 40 year old.

Apathy Card: The key to winning. You act like you don’t care, you’re on top. Maybe you truly don’t care, or maybe the whole situation is giving you anxiety attacks. Whatever it may be, just remember, no tears in public. Save that shit for your mom or your guidance counselor so you can get out of gym class.

There are two versions of the game.

The “He’s just not that into you” Triangle: 2 girls, 1 guy

Bottom Line: He’s just not that into either of you, because if he was he’d be with one of you. Unless of course, one of you chooses not to participate, but then it’s not a love triangle anymore and that person wins.

The Best Move: When faced with a one-guy love triangle, the strategy is to play the straight-up Apathy Card, fake or not. Doesn’t matter. You’re a betch, you don’t fucking compete with anyone. You’re done with both of them. In this case, if you’re going to ever have any chance of outdoing this other girl it will happen right away. If this bro intends to date you ever it will be now, when he realizes you’re not putting up with any of his shit and can probably easily do better. At this point you can say yes or no, meaning you’re in control.

The Losing Tactic: is to compete. Many times a betch on either side of the triangle will do everything she can to impress this bro, showing that she is hotter and cooler than the other betch. We have these friends, let’s call them Jen, Brad, and Angie. Jen was all annoying, being like “ohhh my career, oh my god babies, oh my god Brad.” And Angie was just off doing her own thing curing polio in Ethiopia and collecting livers on the black market in Cambodia. All of the sudden, look who shows up in Africa to declare his love and adopt her third world kids!? It’s Brad. And it’s because Angie showed she had better shit to do.

Our point: no one likes a needy bitch. No matter how hot you are he doesn’t give a shit that you looked #5 skinny in US Weekly in your Herve Leger. Nor is he going to take you back because you’re pretending you chilled out after dating John Mayer.

Also, many girls in this situation will attempt to do things to establish a “claim” over a bro, be it because she fucked him first, she’s in love with him, blah blah blah, he sent her that one drunken I miss you BBM 6 months ago, whatever. No, just no. This is the worst thing you could ever do because the bro will resent this without a doubt, and it will backfire because no betch wants to feel like she’s under the control of some other dumb bitch. It may make her want him more, and same for him liking her. You just played all your cards showed emotion and now you’re out, loser.

The Semi-Slutty Triangle: 2 guys, 1 girl

Lindsay was so fed up with this love triangle that she went the other way

Disclaimer: Fucking two bros in the same #86 frat does not a love triangle make. Just because they both fucked you and high-five each other and laugh about how many times you’ve texted them after doesn’t mean you’re in a semi-slutty triangle. If you think that kind of situation qualifies, that’s #70 delusional dater status. That doesn’t make you part of a love triangle, that makes you boxed.

The Best Move: Sit back and enjoy the show. Although it will produce anxiety, given the possibility of these two bros being in a place of direct competition, there’s also lots of potential for interesting drama and possibly really entertaining shit like drunken bar fights over you, or unexpected gifts. Nothing affirms your betchiness more than guys expressing their obsession with you the best way they know how: by punching some other guy in the face. I just can’t choose which one I like more!!

While we know it’s possible to have feelings for two people, there is always always always someone you like more. It can change though, that’s what makes it the game. That’s what bros get for not locking you down earlier. Now your stock is up and and he’s going to have to do some serious insider trading to be able to afford it.

Losing Move: trying to have your cake and eat it too. Never works. You’re a betch but you can only get away with so much before you do something really fucked up, like telling two guys you’re exclusive with both of them and they find out about each other. Or you could end up like Jessica from True Blood, with Hoyt and Jason. Neither one of them wanted to deal with her shit, so she lost hard to both. That’s a perfect example of the need to make sure you’re not delusional about your love triangle status.

If a betch has feelings anywhere inside her, and, like the Grinch’s Jenny Humphrey taught us, everyone has a heart somewhere deep inside, she learns from love triangles and realizes despite all the fun drama and excitement, the monogamy thing will save you a lot of money on therapist appointments. Participation in the love triangle game often leaves you sad, alone, and with a supporting role in Horrible Bosses.

91. Tennis

29 Aug

Naturally tennis is the betchiest sport out there.

Side Note: Before anyone gets on our case about horseback riding, golf or squash being betchier, just shut the fuck up now. We don’t agree. And yes, we have done all of the above. Don’t even try it.

Aside from the fact that tennis is an individual sport, meaning it’s all about number 1, it’s also one of the more elitist sports, thereby excluding poor people which we like.

Ready for the Round of 16!


Fine, the Williams sisters. They could maybe be as betchy as the Olsens if Serena didn’t have the man look going on.

Betches learned to play tennis at “the club,” it’s a popular family sport and you bet your ass a betch played tennis in middle and high school. Lots of betches even went to tennis camp, and while we were those people and liked it, in hindsight it seems pointless considering we haven’t played that much since like, last summer… Maybe the one before? Who knows, those stupid skirts make shitty tan lines.

Tennis introduced us to #63 pros at a young age, our first pro crushes were the hot college guys our parents paid $150 an hour to “rally” with us. Great investment, mom.

Also, it’s the only sport that your standard betch would play on a seriously competitive level, if you play another you might consider a tattoo declaring “I go the other way” across your chest. If you’re a female athlete trying to be on the cover of Sports Illustrated, you better fucking play tennis.

Since tennis is a sport for tall and #5 skinny betches, the betchiest players are the ones who get paid millions to wear slutty designer tennis apparel. Anna Kournikova and Maria Sharapova are what you get when someone who’s almost pretty enough to be a model discovers they sufficient athletic ability to land promotional contracts.

But even if you’re not on the tournament circuit per se, any betch who’s played competitively knows that the reason tennis is betchy is because it’s a mind game. It makes you individually competitive with other girls, not only within every point and game but over time the subject of “who’s better” is one that does not tire quickly.

Oh, and a true betch plays singles. It’s all about #1, none of this doubles bullshit. You don’t need some dumb bitch stealing your killer forehands with her stupid inconsistent volleys. We’ll go mixed doubles though.

Nothing distracts her from the game


But really, even if you’re not familiar with the game it should be obvious. What’s not betchy about a sport that encourages #42 dressing like a slut in tight outfits, lets you serve people without a law degree, and even if you never win a point your score is “love.” Talk about delusional dating.

Finally, tri-state area betches know the excitement of the US Open at the end of the summer which is like, the only sporting event we would consider watching female athletes participate in. The opening rounds are coming up, nothing’s betchier than forgoing work and instead “spending a few days at the Open” with a pro. We’re talking about your boyfriend, not a tennis coach.

Betch of the Week: Hurricane Irene

26 Aug

This week’s Betch of the Week is taking the world by storm…literally. Now normally, we don’t #2 follow the news, but when it involves something that could potentially fuck up our hair, suddenly we’re paying attention.

Just because you're in a bad mood doesn't mean you have to ruin summer vaca for everyone.

Introducing the betch who proves that moisture is the essence of wetness and wetness is the essence of beauty, Hurricane Irene.

We know, Irene is usually a name for librarians and annoying people, and what the Chinese deliveryman calls your mom instead of “Ilene”. However, like former Betch of the Week Regina George, Irene is turning that name on its head and showing us that you can be fierce even if you were given a nice girl name.

Irene is coming to town and you better fucking bet that means your plans come second. Like any hard partying, violent #7 BSCB, she doesn’t give a shit what you’re doing. Drop your plans, now you’re dealing with her. You should really be scared though because Irene has the entire east coast on her #25 WYDEL and she’s in a bad fucking mood.

Irene is about to tear shit up as she makes her way from the Bahamas to New York (a trip every NY betch has taken at least once in her life), and if you thought that stupid earthquake was bad, Irene’s about to show us what happens when another bitch tries to steal your thunder.

You better believe she’ll be ruining any chance you have of #27 tanning this weekend. Irene is a jealous pasty betch and she does not take well to competing with others. You think Irene gives two shits that were supposed to go to Jason’s 22nd birthday pool party this weekend, or that it’s like, the fucking MLK walk?

So east coast betches, beware of Irene this weekend.  Someone must have hooked up with her boyfriend or something because the betch is pissed off and there isn’t enough Xanax in all of CVS to sedate her.

Betches Love This Movie: One Day

25 Aug

Frankly, this post should be titled “Anne Hathaway Gets Annoying.” That’s all we’re really going to talk about, so don’t worry if you didn’t see the movie (which, we realized after seeing it that it’s likely no one else has, but whatevs).

Before we get into the movie itself, which was a sideshow to how much we love laughing at Anne Hathaway during moments intended to be serious, let’s talk about why no casting director should ever consider anyone except Kiera Knightley or Sienna Miller to play a proper British woman. If her Oscar debacle taught us anything, it’s that Anne Hathaway belongs on Broadway. She’s simply too annoying to be a screen actress any longer. She turned a film that was hoping to be The Notebook into this year’s Dear John. Kind of a joke.

Also, she should never have bangs. Didn’t anyone learn fucking anything from The Princess Diaries? AND The Devil Wears Prada?!

Anne Hathaway’s character: was one of the most quintissential nice girls we’ve ever seen. Where do we begin? She looked like Mary Poppins riding a bicycle wearing Harry Potter glasses.

She managed to sport all of the following looks in one film:

– a one-piece Speedo(multiple times)
– a pixie haircut
– disgusting man boots
– a graduation gown – she was even wearing the Doctorate robe!
– a Mexican restaurant uniform
– a geisha dress to a wedding. So early millennium chic. Not.

She played Tracey Chapman during a sexual encounter. She writes poems about how much she likes the guy. She uses one of those phone booths in England to make calls. We thought those were only for taking pictures while #3 abroad.

Needless to say, we don’t know what the fuck was going on with her accent. What the fuck country is she from? Sounds like the phase-out accent that Ross attempted in that episode of Friends. Monica Gellarrrrrr!

Drinking Game: Take a shot every time Anne Hathaway cries in front of a guy. All of the sudden it’s been 45 minutes and you’re drunk.

Because we were stoned we don’t remember: Anne Hathaway’s character’s name. But we do remember the guy’s name. It was Dexter, known as Dex. Ok Dex. We only know his name because she kept calling it out while having massive confrontations with him and screaming that she missed him. #losing

Not to repeat ourselves, but: this movie further proves our theory on #50 guy friends and shows us that the only way a guy can really be your friend is if he has no desire to fuck you. Because you’re weird. Like Anne Hathaway.

Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts

By the end: Anne Hathaway went the way of Regina George. She proves that everyone, no matter how disgusting your wardrobe or large the gap in your front teeth, has a little bit of betch in them, clawing to come out. It may have taken her like, more than a decade to finally #32 win, which is not very impressive, but whatever it happens.

The only quotable line from this movie is: “everyone loves you in a love to hate kind of way.” We get it.

Honestly: This movie felt like it took One whole fucking Day. It took us year by year through a 15 year era of awkward sexual tension. Time does not fly when you’re not having fun.

90. High Heels

25 Aug

When a betch is getting ready, there are 2 questions she’ll inevitably ask her besties. “Whats everyone wearing?” and “Flats or Heels?”

The latter is an important question because the answer will define what kind of night it is. Flats for the casual dinner, heels if you’re going out. As a betch gets older, flats become as inappropriate as flip flops.

Tell your gym teacher this is the best you could do.

Here’s why:

Heels are intimidating and allow betches to command power. The taller you are, the less shit you take. We’re not talking about that 3 inch shit, it’s 4 or higher.

Most obviously, heels make our legs look about 5 pounds lighter and our ass 5 years younger.

If you’re short, wearing flats is never an option.

If you’re tall and not a lanky weirdo, we suggest you wear heels. This is often a predicament because the tall betch doesn’t want to go out and risk being taller than every guy there. What if there are no guys with TDS!? When you get caught up thinking this way, it’s important to just suck it up put on some fucking heels anyway. Since when do betches give a shit about what anyone looks like besides themselves? Sorry everyone can’t look like a model.

Kitten heels give off an extreme nice girl vibe. They’re called kitten, not lion heels, for a fucking reason.

Wedges are tricky. They’re good for the daytime or a casual outing, as they allow you to appear like you don’t really care how you look but would never dare to go out in flats. Espadrilles wedges with the wrap around are weird if you can’t pull them off, which most people cannot.

Here’s the Thing:

There's a reason no one here is wearing flats.

You’re on a date and you get too drunk accidently. Had you sported flats, you would not have tripped over the uneven pavement and faced the embarrassment of having to be picked up by your #14 date. Or like worse, you step on his foot.

On the other hand, after a betch throws down a couple of shots, she can run a fucking marathon in her heels.

Heels are meant to elongate your legs, not shorten them. So if you have a wider set of legs, stay far away from ankle shoes. Like, please. No one wants to talk to a stubby betch.

So betches, like Anna Wintour (and Rosa Parks) we’re starting a boycott. Stand up, tall and proud…against heels under 4 inches.

89. The Back Burner Bro

24 Aug

As previously discussed, betches pretty much always have their pick of guys to date, ignore, or have sex with. Be this your #19 VIP, #53 SAB of the moment, or #62 pro many of these ‘men’ vie for your affection and bring a different kind of mind game to the table. What if, however, you know that a guy likes you, and everything in you tells you that you should like him, but for some reason, he’s just not hitting the spot?

Enter the Back Burner Bro. The Back Burner Bro is the guy who’s similar to most guys in that he’s very into you.

He’s not exactly a #33 nice guy, nor is he ever mean to you, but for some reason you’re just not that into him. Maybe he’s like Ryan Seacrest. He’s attractive, but you’re not physically attracted to him. Or maybe he’s like Donald Trump, too good on paper to throw away. But like, ehhh Donald Trump.

Maybe it's because he wears shirts like this

Most of the time you can’t really explain what’s wrong with him, maybe there isn’t anything wrong with him. In theory you should like him, so there’s really no reason to ignore him or be like, really mean to him.

He’s the kind of guy that you don’t want to get involved with one-on-one. You might want to meet out at a bar or #20 club with his friends, if only so you could drink at his table. Maybe if you were drunk and/or bored enough, you’d hook up with him.

He’s also the guy you text when you’re in the mood to hear flattering shit about yourself and are on temporary hiatus from wanting an SAB to call you out on your bitchiness. He’s the Kevin Connolly to Scarlett Johansson in He’s Just Not That Into You.

He’s the guy who, if you were 35 and for some pathetic reason, still single, you’d just marry him. If he was making enough money.

The BBB is the guy you went on the second date with, just to see if maybe something was just off the first time. By the end of the second date, you’ve made out with him and realize you have no desire to do this sober again.

Like Robert Frost Britney Spears once said, you are at a crossroads. Rejecting him for a third date would be like throwing out those killer shoes that aren’t really in anymore and you’ll probably never wear again. You just can’t bring yourself to do it because there’s this part of you that’s convinced you might one day wear them. Fat chance.

E: "I think you're funny, sexy, smart, and cute" Scarlett: "I think you're just okay."

But BBBs are key in the #32 game. This is because one girl’s BBB is another girl’s SAB. Sure he’s like, in love with you, but to some other girl that he has lukewarm feelings towards, he’s just the asshole she’s looking for. It always makes for a solid love triangle since your BBB can always be used to make your SAB jealous. This works the other way too. Like if you see your BBB with another girl this might make you more into him, even if he’s her SAB.

So betches, if we knew anything about sports we’d probably say that back burner bros are like the alternates for when your star MVP VIPs are out of commission (read: acting especially shady). Remember not to settle though. Betches always get the best and most desirable accessories and it’s pretty much a fact of life that if something’s free and easy, it usually fucking sucks.

How To: Seem Down to Earth

23 Aug

One of the major criticisms about betches is that they’re pretentious bitches who lack appreciation and are superficial. In other words, we’re not down-to-earth. We’re here to help you combat the #43 haters by teaching you how to appear down-to-earth.

Say something is expensive: As a betch you may get yourself into a situation in which you are with a friend that is more poor than you. It is important that you do not offend her while subtly letting her know you are better than her.

“OMG, I love shopping at Harrods, but it’s like, so expensive.”

Gas is really expensive these days. A gallon is like the price of my iced coffee.”

Random comments about how sad it is for people to be poor or deprived:

“We should totes raise money for the starving kids in Indonesia, I hear it’s a serious issue there.”

“Oh, I’ve SEEN Hotel Rwanda. Seriously groundbreaking film.”

“I felt really bad for that homeless woman, so I gave her 25 dollars. I really think she’ll be able to clean up now and get a job. A mani on 3rd Ave is only $10, what a steal!”

Random comments about the #2 news:

“I’m so happy they overthrew that dictator in Egypt. It must be because Barack Obama is Muslim.”

Christian:Do you like Billie Holiday?Cher: I love him.

Liking weird movies: But not too many, that makes you a freak from a small liberal arts school. It’s okay to say you like movies out of the mainstream though, like The Wackness or Pulp fiction.

“The cinematography in Kill Bill 2 was visually captivating. Can’t wait for Aronofsky’s next one. Oh wait, I meant Requiem…”

So betches, make sure you appear down-to-earth enough so people don’t think you’re a completely vapid souless bitch, but not so down-to-earth that people feel like they can approach you whenever the fuck they want. It’s an art.

Betches Love This Story: The Caveman Diddles the KardAssian

23 Aug

So in recent and quite important news, there were serious protesting going on in Libya. Jk!  No, but seriously, last weekend Kim Kardashian got married.

Back in the days of The Kardashians season 1, when everyone didn’t understand how Khloe was a relative, let alone a sister, no one would have ever imagined that Kim would be the last one wifey’ed up. (Whatevs, Kourtney’s kid with Scott counts). But Kim’s day has not only come, but she wed like a true fucking betch.

How many people can say, “I’m famous for a sex tape I made, married an NBA pro, and made about $18 million for my wedding.” Casual. Betches love this wedding because it heightens the notion that if your ass is big enough, the whole world will rearrange their entire schedule to watch you get married to a guy you will likely divorce within the year.

So here’s the scoop.

Wedding was at a private estate in Cali. They had quite the celeb list at their wedding. But shocking news: Justin didn’t go! Does he really think he can snub the uber famous Kardashians just because he has real talent and doesn’t watch reality TV?  He had to go watch his cougar girlfriend perform for the hundredth time. Sounds like the boy is whipped but whatever, you can’t go? You can’t go.

"Me hungry"

Wolfgang Puck prepared the food, Kim made a cute little speech in honor of her dad, her dress was Vera, and her reception dress was Vera in black (perhaps in honor of her ex-BF Reggie who’s really the reason this whole getting paid millions of dollars to get married thing was possible), blah blah blah.

What we’re really fucking interested is the fact that this betch made bank from her own wedding. People mag paid 2 mill for pics of the bridal shower and wedding in addition to her $300,000 engagement announcement, Tao paid her for a bachelorette party, and E! apparently paid the couple about $15 million for a two-part special on their wedding. I mean, we’re def trying to watch that but like $15 million, really? E! should use their money on more important causes like hiring a hit man to kill Ryan Seacrest or  E! True Hollywood Story: The Betches.

Also, if you’re going to spend $2 million dollars on a 20-karat ring, give us something we want to look at and not some like big square diamond that’s just as interesting as my dog’s facebook status. Someone pulled a Ben F. move on this one.

Finally, we’re one hundred percent certain that when she met her hubby, these are the thoughts went through her head: “Okay he looks a bit like E.T. but OMG his name is Kris with a K. It’s totallyyy fate! Can’t wait to call out my mom’s name when I #8 fuck him.

Oh, and cool wax statue.

88. The Stop and Chat

22 Aug

Every betch has experienced the stop and chat at some point in her life. Sometimes they can be annoying, but we generally like them because when handled well, they may offer an opportunity to #1 talk shit later. They’re also a way to show the world that you’re friendly and can pretend to be interested in others.

Stop & chat necessitated by the need to acknowledge that I look hotter in this dress

You know you’ve been hit with the stop and chat when you realize that you just found out major things about someone’s life that you would never know had you not run into them or seen it on your news feed, like what they’re doing for the summer or how their mom is doing.

You wouldn’t do the stop and chat if you weren’t completely one-on-one with this person because you ran into them somewhere like on line getting coffee or waiting for a fitting room. The stop and chat is mostly a sober thing, you might not even acknowledge this person at a bar in a social setting.

It’s always a pleasant conversation that lasts somewhere between two and six minutes. She’s one step above the #41 fake smile-and-wave girl, since she’s usually in an outer circle of friends. Let’s say she’s two groups removed. The smile-and-wave girl is the rando girl who went to your high school whose life you don’t give a shit about, but you give the smile-and-wave to mutually acknowledge that you attended school together.

Hopefully you come away from a stop and chat with some interesting gossip to share with anyone who cares. “Saw Katie Smith at the mall yesterday, she looks like shit.” You will casually mention this to your high school besties later.

Your conversation might end with an acknowledgment that you might be in the same place in the near future, like Brandon’s birthday pregame next week. See you there!

The stop and chat is also one step below the catch-up, which is like a more extensive stop and chat with a person who you’ve hung out with before, but not very often. You haven’t seen each other in a while but you already have her number and might make tentative plans to have lunch or something. Whether or not this is an empty gesture remains to be seen in the follow-up.

Disclaimer: The stop and chat is not an excuse to do a chat and cut, not close enough. That’s the catch-up.

"So, have you come out yet?"

The betchiest way to handle the stop and chat is the following:

1) You don’t want to be seen looking like shit, so be careful what you wear to certain places. You think you’re just running out while hungover to quickly grab a #54 iced coffee in your pajamas with eye makeup down your face, but you never know who you might see. There’s no greater annoyance than running into an ex-boyfriend looking like shit and being forced to partake in the stop & chat.

2) Beware that what you say in the stop and chat may be repeated to multiple people, so you shouldn’t reveal too much personal information, or information about anyone else. Oversharing is dangerous and takes a stop and chat from a friendly encounter to an impending contorted rumor. “I’m just here buying Plan B for Alex!” can soon become “I Heard Alex Jones is knocked up!”

3) The hungover stop and chat can be avoided with big sunglasses, excessive use of your phone, and a fuck-off look on your face.

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