80. Bitching

3 Aug

It’s probably obvious that betches will happily bitch about anything and everything they can. This is what the #43 haters hate us for, but we’re saying you should embrace it. Even if everything is kind of okay, it’s um, “NOTOKAY.” No one can turn a small irritation into the imminent apocalypse as efficiently as a betch.

Ugh…. there’s nothingggg on tv… I’m inconsolable…

Where’s the dealer? How can he possiblyyyy not answer I REFUSE TO WATCH THIS MOVIE WITHOUT WEED.

Like we do with many aspects of the Betch Life, like #42 dressing like a slut and pretending to know about #31 wine, betches have turned the act of complaining into a field of study. Since a lot of you like to email us asking the retarded question of what the “betchiest major” is, we’ll say that nothing in academia is fucking betchy. Give up now.

Betches do... then go on permanent maternity leave

But for betches who are trying to learn a major life skill, you should unofficially major in Effective Bitching, with a concentration in one of these areas:

Best-Least-Most-Worst Competition: Betches tend to see things in extremes. It’s the best day ever! Or the world is ending, depends if your pedicurist had time for the full or half massage today. Betches express these thoughts in the only way they know how. Pure exaggeration and the competition for who’s the BLMW.

“No one wants YOU to roll our blunt! I roll the BESTTTTT blunts, even my ex-boyfriend told me so.”

“I need the LEAST amount of shots to get drunk. Cuz I’m the #5 skinniest.”

“I have the MOST homework out of everyone and it’s the MOST HARDEST homework ever. Since I’m not gonna do it, I’m avoiding MORE work than you’re avoiding.”

“I have the WORST hangover known to mankind right now. Someone fetch my iced coffee, there’s no way YOU can possibly feel WORSE than ME.”

Bitching at service people: This is every betch’s favorite kind because when you bitch at a service person, they can’t bitch back! We’ve never worked but we heard the first thing they teach you is that the customer is always right. They have no choice but to give in or else they could lose their sub-minimum wage job and possibly get shipped back across the Rio Grande, who knows. Why risk citizenship to the best country in the world in the name of talking back to a betch?

So betches will take full advantage of this, doing things like asking their gardeners to wait for a more mainstream hour than 11am to mow the lawn outside their bedroom; or threatening to sue their cable service for psychological damages if they don’t fix the DVR in time for Kourtney and Kim.

Commit these words to memory: “I’d like to speak with your supervisor.”

Hypochondria: We don’t know who invented hypochrondria, but we’re sure it was a betch. The slightest ache or ailment could be a serious dysfunction, so I better check webMD before my pinky finger explodes from the throbbing pain of its millisecond brush with my hair iron. Do you think Allie would understand if I skipped her birthday pregame due to third degree burns? I don’t wanna be in pics with her off-the-shelf Maybelline highlights.

"My plastic surgeon doesn't want me doing anything where balls fly at my nose"

The best part about hypochondria? You really believe your excuses therefore exempting you from potential call-outs. A hypochondriac never backs down from their so-called pains. Really bitch? You’re gonna tell ME that MY appendix doesn’t need to come out?

We realize that there are certain people in life who one might consider chill enough to be satisfied and grateful for what they have. These are usually people who had to do gross things while growing up, like share shit with their siblings or like, read a book once about a boy who had to mow his own lawn. Yeah, that.

These people are hesitant to complain. But guess what that means? They’re also never gonna get the shit that they want. So be proud to be a bitching betch and remember that when it comes down to it, the silent nice girl will be the one staring at you pathetically as you snag the window seat on the plane. Decide you’re low maintenance and the next thing you know you’re paying for a chipped manicure and convincing yourself that a bracelet from Kay Jewelers is an adequate anniversary gift.

7 Responses to “80. Bitching”

  1. Regina Valenter August 3, 2011 at 3:04 pm #

    become like this betches,,, i wish it!… hahaha

  2. DramaticBetch August 3, 2011 at 6:26 pm #


  3. GraceLynneFleming August 3, 2011 at 11:58 pm #

    love this site!



  4. LC August 4, 2011 at 8:16 am #

    “…convincing yourself that a bracelet from Kay Jewelers is an adequate anniversary gift.” AHAHA SO TRUE!! Love it!!!

  5. Courtney August 5, 2011 at 8:06 am #

    Ew. This post bugs. “No one wants YOU to roll our blunt! I roll the BESTTTTT blunts, even my ex-boyfriend told me so.” Um fuck off. That’s the gayest thing you could ever say. And you only need one ‘t’ at the end of “best”. Omgggg its my fuckingg pet peeve when girlsss type likee thiss. Also what the hell is this: “I have the MOST homework out of everyone and its the MOST HARDEST homework ever.” Are you in first grade? Most hardest? Really? Whoever wrote this post is probably the same person who designed that fucking hideous, retarded betch merchandise. I have a feeling that the other girls cringe everytime this girl writes something but they feel bad because they have already turned down so many of her suggestions. Use this comment as evidence that she sucks and tell her to beat it. And also tell her not to write “gonna” because it’s gross.

    • blondebetch August 8, 2011 at 11:22 pm #

      you obvs have no idea how to read like a betch

      • betch1 August 9, 2011 at 12:21 pm #

        Haha hater alert. If you dont like it, don’t read ittttt.

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