89. The Back Burner Bro

24 Aug

As previously discussed, betches pretty much always have their pick of guys to date, ignore, or have sex with. Be this your #19 VIP, #53 SAB of the moment, or #62 pro many of these ‘men’ vie for your affection and bring a different kind of mind game to the table. What if, however, you know that a guy likes you, and everything in you tells you that you should like him, but for some reason, he’s just not hitting the spot?

Enter the Back Burner Bro. The Back Burner Bro is the guy who’s similar to most guys in that he’s very into you.

He’s not exactly a #33 nice guy, nor is he ever mean to you, but for some reason you’re just not that into him. Maybe he’s like Ryan Seacrest. He’s attractive, but you’re not physically attracted to him. Or maybe he’s like Donald Trump, too good on paper to throw away. But like, ehhh Donald Trump.

Maybe it's because he wears shirts like this

Most of the time you can’t really explain what’s wrong with him, maybe there isn’t anything wrong with him. In theory you should like him, so there’s really no reason to ignore him or be like, really mean to him.

He’s the kind of guy that you don’t want to get involved with one-on-one. You might want to meet out at a bar or #20 club with his friends, if only so you could drink at his table. Maybe if you were drunk and/or bored enough, you’d hook up with him.

He’s also the guy you text when you’re in the mood to hear flattering shit about yourself and are on temporary hiatus from wanting an SAB to call you out on your bitchiness. He’s the Kevin Connolly to Scarlett Johansson in He’s Just Not That Into You.

He’s the guy who, if you were 35 and for some pathetic reason, still single, you’d just marry him. If he was making enough money.

The BBB is the guy you went on the second date with, just to see if maybe something was just off the first time. By the end of the second date, you’ve made out with him and realize you have no desire to do this sober again.

Like Robert Frost Britney Spears once said, you are at a crossroads. Rejecting him for a third date would be like throwing out those killer shoes that aren’t really in anymore and you’ll probably never wear again. You just can’t bring yourself to do it because there’s this part of you that’s convinced you might one day wear them. Fat chance.

E: "I think you're funny, sexy, smart, and cute" Scarlett: "I think you're just okay."

But BBBs are key in the #32 game. This is because one girl’s BBB is another girl’s SAB. Sure he’s like, in love with you, but to some other girl that he has lukewarm feelings towards, he’s just the asshole she’s looking for. It always makes for a solid love triangle since your BBB can always be used to make your SAB jealous. This works the other way too. Like if you see your BBB with another girl this might make you more into him, even if he’s her SAB.

So betches, if we knew anything about sports we’d probably say that back burner bros are like the alternates for when your star MVP VIPs are out of commission (read: acting especially shady). Remember not to settle though. Betches always get the best and most desirable accessories and it’s pretty much a fact of life that if something’s free and easy, it usually fucking sucks.

9 Responses to “89. The Back Burner Bro”

  1. BetchFet August 24, 2011 at 12:15 pm #

    I made out with a guy last night and i’ve been confused about it, like he’s hot and has potential to be a #SAB so why am i not obsessing over him?…. but God directed me to your site because he is a fucking #BBB!!!!!!! Hit the nail on the fucking head betches

  2. betchinblack August 24, 2011 at 12:53 pm #

    Spot fucking on. This site is a betch bible.

  3. Loveyabetch August 24, 2011 at 3:05 pm #

    This is happening to me right now. LOVE this!!!

  4. minxbetch August 24, 2011 at 6:10 pm #

    perfection! so true! i have a couple BBBs but didnt know what to do with them!!

  5. fetchbetch August 24, 2011 at 11:24 pm #

    This is classic betches. I love this site but not gonna lie lately I was getting worried that the topics just weren’t as good as they were in the beginning. This post obv proved me wrong-you’ve done it again. Keep it up betches!

  6. Chef Ivan August 25, 2011 at 7:21 am #

    Can that be likened to a ‘Friend with benefits’? Hidden in the background, there when you need him?

  7. brettelizabethmurphy August 25, 2011 at 10:45 am #

    Haha you sure it wasn’t Robert Frost? I could have sworn…

    Great line 🙂

  8. betchamissme August 25, 2011 at 1:29 pm #

    ummmmmm betches don’t fuck BBB’s, that’s part of why they’re so obsessed with us. sorry we’re not sorry

  9. betchamissme August 25, 2011 at 1:29 pm #

    (@ Chef Ivan)

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