Dear Betch…

4 Sep

Dear Betch,

So, I consider myself pretty betchy, but recently I’ve been faced with a statistic and I want to know where a betch would fall. After talking to one of my roommates after she spent the night out at a guy’s place, she made a list of all the guys she’s fucked. Her total was 17. My other roommate followed and counted 12. My number is 3… considerably different. This is with a 1 year relationship, but like, they’ve had relationships too. So am I just a prude betch, or just not an easy betch? Because it’s not like I’m ugly, obviously, I just don’t like sleeping around, but is that unbetchy? What would be the proper betchy number in this circumstance?


A Concerned Betch


Dear Concerned Betch,

The question of how many guys it’s appropriate to fuck or #8 not fuck is complex and the answer often depends on things like your age, relationship status, and fugliness.

Really, there is no right number, just the right manipulation tactics. As long as you’re holding off long enough to maintain power and the upper hand (let’s call #26 spring break a black hole loophole for this rule) the number of guys you’ve fucked isn’t really important, be it 1 or 20.

That being said, we cant promise a guy won’t find you weird if you’re a 25 year old virgin. We also find it likely that no man will ever marry you with the knowledge that you’ve fucked upwards of 40 bros or pros. A number is just a number unless it communicates that you’re a freak or a whore.


The Betches


Dear Betch,

Love the site, makes me LO-fucking-L #alldayeveryday.

Anyways, I love to get stoned and watch movies (DUH). But i get the munchies. Betches CANT be gettin’ the munchies n shit because as we all know – betches aren’t fat.

I do everything a betch shud do to stay skinny: eat nothing but sushi, salad, water, and coffee and work out 5 days a week.

I’ve been able to keep myself in check, but every now and then BOOM the munchies just hit me and I wake up the next day with a cookie hangover and contemplating anorexia.
Is my only choice to quit the devils lettuce? Or is there any advice you have to beat the munchies?

Please help!


Munchie Betch

Dear Munchie Betch,

While we completely understand where you’re coming from, ourselves having our own proclivity toward the weed, it’s kind of simple.

Just don’t fucking eat. Drink fucking seltzer or eat cucumbers or some shit and when you see a cookie just tell yourself that “The Betches” told you it’s not fucking okay.

That said, we imagine that when you’re getting stoned and watching #81 movies, you’re doing so in place of going out and getting wasted. We can’t really imagine being sober all the time so consider the fact that your calories will always come from somewhere. There’s a reason betches aren’t extinct from starvation, and it’s because we live off the calories we consume in pursuit of getting fucked up.

In other words, beat yourself up about it, but not TOO hard. And don’t forget, contemplating anorexia doesn’t make you anorexic. Anorexia does.


The Betches

4 Responses to “Dear Betch…”

  1. BigBetch September 4, 2011 at 1:09 pm #

    Concerned betch, I feel your pain… But opposite. I’ve gone on a fucking spree since I dumped my bro (note:not #pro, hence the breakup) of two years. And they’re all in the same fraternity…

  2. Roxanne September 4, 2011 at 4:35 pm #

    I don’t think fugliness is a factor when it comes to fucking bros. The biggest whores I know are all shrew-faced fat asses with square frames. I have seen ugly girls get drunk and put out so they can get attention from guys more times than I can count.

    And my number is 6.

  3. Natasha September 4, 2011 at 4:42 pm #

    Isn’t there a movie coming out about this soon? You should do a whole article on acceptable numbers.

  4. JudgeMeImOverIt September 6, 2011 at 11:19 am #

    Concerned Betch,

    You’re just pickier than other girls. Don’t lower your standards. Otherwise you’ll end up like Karen Smith and hooking up with your first cousin.

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