How To: Drink Like A Betch

8 Sep

As a high school betch, drinking was something you probably did if you were normal. As in, can anyone steal some vod from their parents? OMG, I looooveee hypnotiq. But as a betch in college or post-college, drinking is now something of a routine, like tweezing our eyebrows or sharing meals with the garbage.

How we drink:

Shots. Betches love taking shots. Shots are the fastest and easiest way to get drunk. In order to not be that girl who doesn’t remember leaving the pregame, the best way to take shots is to take by halfsies. However, some betches will say this is a bitch way to drink. We say, you’re probably fat.

What we drink:

At the pregame: Vodka is one hundo the way to go. Tequila is second. College betches love their Svedka. Like if you don’t wake up in the morning with at least one empty handle of Sved somewhere in your apartment you’re probably not a betch. Svedka is cheap enough to buy for parties, comes in a fake classy glass bottle, and tastes better than Smirnoff. No, we’re not getting paid for this promotion, it’s just true. As betches out of college we lean towards the actually classy Grey Goose or Belvedere. For those who swear by Goose and say it tastes sooooo much better, you are stupid. It’s just colder.

At the bar: Vodka soda, splash of cran or pineapple, paid for by a bro or the bartender who thinks if he gives you enough free drinks you’ll stick around later and fuck him. You #8 won’t because you’re not Miranda Hobbes.

Exceptions: Beer. Betches will drink beer on rare occasions. For example, a guy buys you one, during beer pong (tip: have a guy partner, smile coyly and let him drink all of your cups), and when you want to appear chill.

How we get drunk:

Betches don’t get “shitfaced,” “hammered,” or “slammed.” We get blackout. As in, I was soooo blackout on Wednesday I totally don’t remember making out with that freshman. The most important thing about being blackout is to make sure you’re with people who are on the same level as you or slightly more drunk. This way, it seems like you totally have your shit together. If you wake up the next morning every morning with a minor panic attack because you don’t know where your phone is, congrats betch, you blacked out.

So when your parents give you the speech about how you have to stop getting so ridiculously drunk and that they’re concerned you’re becoming an alcoholic, just tell them not to worry and that everyone’s doing it. Remind them that you’re only as betchy as the extent to which your Facebook pictures look like a wedding montage of you and vodka, traveling the world together…one shot at a time.

26 Responses to “How To: Drink Like A Betch”

  1. Haley Fry (@haley_fry) September 8, 2011 at 11:58 am #

    BETCH in your last paragraph you used the wrong form of you’re/your…..

    ~*English Betch*~

    • Smarterthanhaleyfry September 9, 2011 at 1:23 am #

      No they didn’t. #demeaning

    • Stopfuckingyourenglishteacherforgrades&learntoread September 9, 2011 at 1:23 pm #

      BETCH in your last comment, you proved yourself to be just another ~*dumb bitch~.

      #wannabe #hater #

      • heybetch September 12, 2011 at 1:15 am #

        hahahaha loving the name!

    • lily September 9, 2011 at 4:15 pm #

      fucking idiot . get it right if youre going to correct someone

  2. parisian betch September 8, 2011 at 12:06 pm #

    fucking WORD. greygoose is for the uninformed. betches know their liquor. mine is a hendricks gin gimlet k thanksssss.

  3. Sveddybetch September 8, 2011 at 12:11 pm #

    Holy shit betches, best post in a fucking while. Soo true about the sveddy, also blackout is my routine…. Sorry I’m not fucking sorry. Also: haven’t bought myself a drink this entire semester. And I wish you would have mentioned #wine, which is drinken as the pre-pre game, Aka you having a glass or three while you get ready so you can be tips for the pregame.

    • Just saying September 8, 2011 at 12:29 pm #

      Your name sounds like sweaty betch in an accent. Gross.

      • franzias bff September 9, 2011 at 12:52 pm #

        Hahaha love it.

      • Sveddybetch September 9, 2011 at 5:31 pm #

        If sveddy isn’t recognized automatically in your #abbrevs, then sorry, un fucking betchy. You can go shave your back now.

  4. nocheesewithmywine September 8, 2011 at 1:01 pm #

    let’s not forget wine!

    vodka is for special occasions, such as birthdays or, you know, Tuesdays. But wine is for dinner turned blackout rager!

    • J September 8, 2011 at 3:12 pm #

      they didn’t— there’s already an entire post devoted to wine.

  5. Erica September 8, 2011 at 2:36 pm #

    Beer is for bros and lesbians. No betch will actually drink one!

    • floridabetchhh September 8, 2011 at 4:42 pm #

      i’ll drink beer if a bro buys me one, which he will. still #8won’t fuck him, but at least i seem #down to earth…

  6. taffysinclair September 8, 2011 at 4:40 pm #

    I’m so glad that this information has been clarified. Don’t like taking shots at a pre-game? Noted. As in, YOU WILL NOT BE FUCKING INVITED TO THE NEXT PRE-GAME. A girl who tries to slip under the betch blackout radar so she can be on pointe for some worthless interview she has tomorrow morning for an unpaid internship at some shitty hedge fund IS NOT A BETCH. It should also be noted that due to the extremely reasonable price of Svedka, one should seriously consider buying two to three handles at a time. There have been many nights in the city where one handle disappears at the pregame- usually, six or seven Vitamin Water XXX (sugar free versh, duh) bottles have been emptied to 1/3 of their contents, and replaced with Svedka because it’s super lo-pro to carry harmless “health drinks” in cabs on the way to wherever it is you are going to get wasted… also, the remainder of these little pre-game/to-go bottles can be stashed in one’s gigantic betch bag underneath pashminas and makeup… to keep your party roll going just in case you can’t find the right pro to buy you a drink ASAP and you don’t want to get stuck accepting a drink from some disgusting newbie Wall Street bottom-feeder who wants to talk about his fucking college lacrosse team’s glory days while he drinks beer (Eww). You’ll need the second handle for later that night when everyone comes back to your place for after party moments wherein you actually HAVE TO drink through that twenty some obligatory minutes when your dealer insists on coming into your home.

    • LongHairDontCare September 9, 2011 at 12:25 am #

      Guaranteed no one read your rant novel awkward…..also that amount of hostility would imply too much caring, which is too much effort. Let’s just all agree were b.o.b.’s – sorry not sorry.

      • kkll September 11, 2011 at 5:39 pm #

        keep your BSCBness to a line or two next time…

      • whoops. September 11, 2011 at 11:25 pm #

        truth. read the first line.. ovz it.

      • parisian betch September 13, 2011 at 5:42 am #

        I hereby nominate comment of the day- major awks.

  7. blacked out betch September 8, 2011 at 5:10 pm #

    i lost my phone last night…….

  8. MichaelEdits September 9, 2011 at 9:13 pm #

    I think “One Shot At A Time” is a song on one of those albums from K-Tel that you can buy from the TV ad but that isn’t sold in stores. “One shot at a time… sweet Jesus….”

  9. fashionbetch September 9, 2011 at 9:14 pm #

    betches DO NOT drink a splash of cranberry or anything else with sugar for that matter. Vodka on the rocks or with soda water. NEVER tonic. Get it right.

    • ohhayyyyy September 10, 2011 at 12:40 pm #

      correct. vodka soda w 2 limes. dzuh. my apt currently smells like svedka.. #hangoverssuck

  10. betchyhey September 12, 2011 at 1:10 am #

    ” If you wake up the next morning every morning with a minor panic attack because you don’t know where your phone is, congrats betch, you blacked out.”

    literally ALWAYS happens. i seriously laughed out loud reading that because that legit just happened this morning. oh the life of a betch…

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