Dear Betch…

11 Sep

Dear Betches,

My BF recently decided randomly that “sometimes he doesn’t want a girlfriend.”  So now we’re on a break and I’ve been really upset and sad and depressed and TOTALLY not betchy for the past week.  Now it’s time for me to get back in the betch game and make that dumb bro regret only wanting me “sometimes”, and playing my feelings like that (fully support #8 Not Having Sex With Bros and #16 The Post-Break Up Betch…but I could still use some words of wisdom).

Any suggestions on how to make a bro regret playing/lying to a bomb-ass betch?   I’m talking I needa be a skinny, hawt, smokin betchy betch when I walk around campus and I could use as much helpful advice from my fellow betches as possible.


A Broken Hearted Betch.

Dear Broken Hearted Betch,

It goes without saying that you should be working the typical post-break up betch drunkenness and #5 anorexia and doing everything in your power to make him regret his decision to go on a “break,” be it by letting other hotter bros pursue you in front of his face or telling everyone you know about his secret stash of Rogaine he uses to deal with his prematurely developing male pattern baldness.

It seems like you know how this #32 game should be played, but we’ve all seen the betch who goes on a “break” with the bro who “needs this time to be single right now.”

[Translation: It’s been a few years and I’m sick of only fucking you, but I see a promising future with you so hold on a sec while I string you along indefinitely. Don’t worry, I won’t get attached to any of the whores I fuck. BRB.]

Betches don’t accept bullshit “breaks” just because her boyfriend decides he wants one. This usually results in her feeling like her own boyfriend’s booty call, so there’s only one way to play it. You have nothing to do with that asshole until he decides he’s taking you back. Hopefully you’ll be around. Does the fastest runner in a race wait around for the loser to decide he’s ready to catch up?


The Betches


Dear Betches,

This past year I’ve been having serious problems with not fucking bros. Luckily, emotional entanglement is not an issue for me, I have a heart of fucking stone.

I made sure I only slept with quality bros, however, after a night of booze and various trips to Candyland, I banged the fucking number one bro and it got around pretty quickly. He had broken up with one of my one of my best betches, I realize that was a pretty low blow even though she’d been complaining about him for at least a week before it ended. I thought it would pass over when we went home for summer, however, schools back in session and she and about half my ex-betch friends still want to rip my guts out.

They’re over-reacting, and I’d just like this to be over. Advice?

Thanks Betches


Whore Problem


Dear Whore Problem,

First of all, there’s a difference between having no feelings and being an evil whore. Also, you say she was complaining about him for “AT LEAST A WEEK?!” Assuming their relationship wasn’t two weeks long, one week does not a disastrous relationship make.

You’re a bad friend. They’re not overreacting. Don’t try to convince yourself that you’re in any way not in the wrong. Your route should be the hardcore apology, no questions asked. If after your sincere apology, they’re still aggressive towards you, then whatever it happens. Move on and stop fucking your friends’ boyfriends.


The Betches

4 Responses to “Dear Betch…”

  1. teena September 11, 2011 at 7:14 pm #

    couldn’t have said it better

  2. VoicesCarried September 12, 2011 at 1:34 am #

    Heh, it’s true… the revenge, is just lookin’ good. One day you might bump into an ex, and in my experience- I’m always gigglin’ cause they’re always with a troll & then they start acting weird to the troll because they’ve seen your boobs and it’s super awkward when worlds collide for dudes. No matter what, they’re getting in trouble for disrespecting the troll when they get home- or just because it will dawn on the troll that he saw your boobs & well, bitches will be wildin’. It’s not entirely the dude’s fault that they’re courting the bridge guard, I mean- one can only fly so close to the betchin’ sun without scortchin their wings off & having to lead a mortal life down in the swampy waters of Trollville. Seriously, there’s no one that you’ll ever break up with, that you won’t be laughin about being hung up on in a few months. At worst, a few years… when your maddly in love with someone better. Good luck girls! Heartbreak sucks monkeyballs, but you’ll make it out of it just fine! ❤

    • betchamissme September 12, 2011 at 9:55 pm #

    • QUEENBETCH September 14, 2011 at 4:36 am #

      Come again??

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