96. The Ex-Boyfriend Life Cycle

13 Sep

Popular culture tells us that you’re allowed half the duration of the actual length of your relationship to get over it, but what they don’t take into consideration is the entire ex-boyfriend life cycle.

This cycle is for people who haven’t found a new boyfriend or are unhappy with the guy they’re hooking up with. If you’re fortunate enough to have fallen in either of these categories and were probably over it for a large part of your ex-relationship, skip to the last phase of the cycle. For the rest of you drama-seeking betches, here’s what to expect when you’re expecting too much.

We Still Fuck Sometimes But He’s Not My Boyfriend Phase:Why would you revert to an earlier stage of your relationship where you still have to play games? You broke up for a reason. It’s called a breakup because it’s fucking broken.

Break-ups are hard.

You’re a betch, be single. Why manipulate one guy when you can manipulate three? Fucking duh.

This stage consists of still hooking up while being anxiously on edge about what he’s doing and with whom. It’s just a mess. This never ends well. Best to exit as soon as possible.

Usually, unless you get back together, something happens to get you very angry at your ex, there’s a massive blowout fight, possibly involving a #92 love triangle, and you enter the next phase.

The Over It Not Over It Phase: You claim to be #82 over it, but all you fucking talk about is him and how much he sucks and the whores he’s fucking. For someone who’s supposed to hate someone, you’re checking for updates as frequently as one checks their Facebook or Twitter. Literally, by checking Facebook and Twitter.

OMG did Jon put me on limited profile?! Jenna, you MUST go on Facebook so we can go through and compare EXACTLY which tagged pics of Jon we both see?

You are so not over it that you are under the impression that this is something Jenna wants to do.

Even though you claim to be over it, all of your friends know that you have carefully calculated each and every move you make in order to make your ex jealous, angry, or upset. If you manage to accomplish all three, congrats, this is the ultimate in #32 winning and greatest feeling of happiness as the #16 post break-up betch.

However, you’re only allowed to be in the continuous bitching stage for a third of the duration of the your relationship. To the besties of the girls in this phase: it fucking sucks if she’s trying to get over a 3 year relationship, consider branching out.

Phase of Silence: Eventually it becomes socially unacceptable to still be talking about your ex, so even if you’re not fully out of the last phase you better fucking pretend like you are. It’s like counting the dead after a battle. Silent.

The Actual Over It Phase: This is the rainbow after the hurricane. You actually don’t wish this person ill will. You don’t care. As we’ve said before the person who cares the least has the most power and is by default winning, but you’re out of the game now.

It's always a surprise when someone breaks up with Jen

At one point you might even give a smile and wave when you see him somewhere, possibly even a #88 stop and chat. This is the greatest symbol of the Actual Over It Phase.

Side Note: Claiming that your ex-boyfriend has now morphed into your guy friend is not allowed in this phase or like, ever. Like we’ve said before, #50 guy friends are bullshit. Unless you got fat.


8 Responses to “96. The Ex-Boyfriend Life Cycle”

  1. marina September 13, 2011 at 12:40 pm #

    Every word #soeffintrue

  2. BetchyAsFck September 13, 2011 at 1:55 pm #

    this post is killer. so amazing and not a word of a lie

  3. floridabetchhh September 13, 2011 at 3:03 pm #

    holy shit betches

  4. Betch Please September 13, 2011 at 7:08 pm #

    My ex boyfriend and I have sex every time were home for breaks. Theres no possibility of us getting together cause were both at different schools yet fuck like bunnies when were home its nice.

  5. Sofia September 13, 2011 at 7:35 pm #

    this article is fucking amazing.

  6. Singlebetch September 13, 2011 at 7:53 pm #

    Just broke up with my boyfriend of two years in July. We had the fucking phase but it didn’t end badly, I just started ignoring him. Whatevs, I was #over it. I skipped right over to the actual over it phase, with maybe one week of pretending to be over it. My life is fucking awesome now…. So many bros/pros, so little time

    • BetchesInDenial September 13, 2011 at 11:55 pm #

      “You claim to be #82 over it, but all you fucking talk about is him”

      Singlebetch: Despite your claims, you are very clearly still in the Not Over It Phase and probably need to enter the Phase of Silence as soon as possible.

  7. The Awkward List September 14, 2011 at 1:42 am #

    Well said!

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