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Betch of the Week: Perez Hilton

11 Mar

While betches don’t actually #2 follow the news, there are certain things we must keep up with if we want to have anything to talk about with our betch acquaintances. I mean, what would we have to chat about if we couldn’t contribute our two cents on the breaking news that “Scarlett Johansson snuck away with Sean Penn for a seksi 24-hour getaway to Cabo San Lucas.” (Side note: we’re still trying to make sense of how we feel about this. Sean Penn is so old-man #19 ugly hot.) When we do want to be informed on what’s going on in the world Hollywood there’s really only one place we go.

www.perezhilton.com

Many betches might not even know who the president is if not for Perez’s coverage. He manages to make all that dull shit coming out of CNN interesting with his ridiculous doodles and betchy commentary. He’s living proof that if you #1 talk enough shit, it can make you extremely successful. He’s built an entire empire on the basis of shit talking.

You're telling me he isn't a betch?

He’s also hilarious. Remember that time he was accused of child pornography for putting up a picture of Miley Cyrus without panties? Good, we have shit with Miley too. He has shit with TONS of celebrities! Fergie is a great example. We agree with him on that one also. She looks like a constipated transvestite when she performs. Super Bowl halftime show?

Some of you might wonder how he can be a betch, he’s a man! His real name is Mario Armando Lavandeira Jr! Just so you know, a requirement for being a betch is not having a vagina. Betch is a state of mind.

We especially find Perez’s reputation for outing people to be soooo betchy and we wish we could make a living out of gossiping just like he does. Being partially responsible for outing Lance Bass? We already think that’s badass, and even more badass was his response to criticism for doing so. “If you know something to be a fact, why not report it?” That’s how we feel about things. If we know something’s betchy, we report it.

If we could have any gay bestie in the world, he would be it. We even have a similar interest in hot guys! But it’s mostly because he’s all about owning who you are, calling shit like it is, and keeping it real.

“Whether you like me or not, I’m not going away anytime soon. I don’t care if you like me, I just care if you read my website.”

It’s like he’s reading our minds.

Betch of the Week: Bethenny Frankel

4 Mar

Every betch’s favorite housewife is Bethenny Frankel. Not only was she on the classiest Housewives installment (besides Beverly Hills of course), but since she’s the ultimate betch, some brilliant producers decided to give her a reality spinoff. Betches love Bethenny because she says and does whatever the fuck she wants. It’s not called #1 talking shit when you say it to someone’s face…

Besides her involvement in the Housewives of New York City her claim to fame is as a “natural food chef.” What the hell does that mean? It means she’s in great demand to cook for ano betches! But what do ano betches eat? That’s right, nothing! Her entire empire is built on a betch’s favorite pastime, #5 dieting. Hence the reason why she also sells diet alcohol and makes serious bills doing it. I mean, selling your Skinny Girl Margs while SEVEN months pregnant!? That’s a true business betch. Although working hard is not something a betch is accustomed to, if your job is pimping out margaritas to women under 100 pounds, I’m pretty sure you’re not really working.

Betch looks hot.

Three weeks after giving birth to baby Bryn she posed in a size 4 bikini for US Weekly. She clearly knows it’s never okay to look fat, just when you thought pregnancy was the last legitimate excuse. Really. Tell us your secret… Oh wait you wrote three books about that… Perfect.

Now onto that husband of hers. JASON. Wow, he knows how to tame a betch. After three failed engagements, J managed to get a very knocked up B down the aisle. He has a betch’s favorite qualities like money and a huge penis, and he must be living off Xanax because he happily manages to put up with Bethenny’s 24/7 nonstop shit storm of bitching. Also, Jason is a total rando. Leave it to Bethenny to find NYC’s last hot single un-bro-y bro.

He even puts up with it when she bitches out her in-laws! A betch’s ultimate worst enemies are clearly her in-laws, especially the mother. Jason’s overbearing, Pennsylvania hick town parents do NOT do it for Bethenny and she is not afraid to let the world know. For those betches out there who are concerned that they’re TOO betchy to ever catch a husband, don’t worry, just follow Bethenny’s lead.

Bethenny’s outspoken personality and total betch attitude make her our favorite housewife and our Betch of the Week. We envy her amazing body and overall lifestyle. Who wouldn’t want to spend summers in the Hamptons Montauk (yeah… less of a scene, we know), be featured in magazines, and attend amazing events? She’s just the shit, and we can’t wait to see what’s next for our Betch of the Week Bethenny Frankel.

17. The Lucky Sperm Club

2 Mar

Although betches are generally obsessed with themselves, it gets tiring to constantly think only about oneself. We sometimes have to take a break and focus on others, and since a betch never thinks about anyone less cool than her, fortunately we have numerous celebrities whom we love and admire. But there are no celebrities that we find more intriguing than the members of the Lucky Sperm Club. Think Paris Hilton, the Kardashians, the entire Royal Family.

Betches love anyone from the Lucky Sperm Club. No amount of hard work will get you into the LSC. Being a member of the LSC requires being born into a family where someone else (perhaps generations ago) had legitimate talent, and even though you’re only questionably competent, you have the chance to automatically be well-liked, famous, and rich.

Not all members of the LSC are created equal. Some have more talent than others (Drew Barrymore, Gwyneth Paltrow, Charlie Sheen, the Smith children) and we often forget that they were even the spawn of legends. Or sometimes we just don’t care how talented you are, and the less obvious the reason for your fame, the more interested we are in finding out everything about you. We’re talking about Paris Hilton, everyone from The Hills, the Kardashians, Ivanka Trump, Rumer Willis, Suri Cruise (you’re three years old and already a fashion icon?) and our personal favorite, the Royal Family.

Why so much respect for the Royal Family? It’s because they’re somehow able to personify class, even as they’ve continued to milk their family’s money and status for centuries. This is the true essence of what it means to be in the LSC. But royalty is the shit because they also manage to keep relatively private, unlike the multitude of fame whores who comprise this group. They’ve mastered the art of hard to get, which is the key to every betch’s heart. As much as Prince Harry is the black sheep media whore in the fam, you’d never see a royal in even the classiest Chanel ad. Unlike Kim Kardashian who gets paid by the amount of perfume bottles she sells, the Royal Family gets paid by every citizen in the United Kingdom just to be who they are. Imagine having an entire nation taxed so you can have a ski home in Switzerland! They’re also the only ones besides Madonna who can get away with no one knowing what their last name is.

We love tons of celebrities, but there’s a special place in our hearts for the LSC. They’re sooo entertaining, and there’s nothing more exciting than finding out one of them got a DUI or has a sex tape. It’s important to note that all of these celebrities will claim to have earned their success based on their talent and hard work, because starring in a reality show where cameras follow you to Anguilla is just like working 22 hours a day at an investment bank.

What we do admire is their unwarranted sense of self-love because as betches, it’s an emotion we can totally connect with. As LSC President Paris Hilton once said, “I get half a million just to show up at parties. My life is like, really, really fun.” This is what betches aspire to, and regardless of their attitudes toward it, we still admire their lifestyle, if only because it involves partying, being skinny, and getting to design their own clothes.

15. Justin Bieber

1 Mar

You’re sitting there, your face and body are getting all hot and tingly, you start breaking out in a cold sweat, your heart is racing, and you’re trying to fight back the smile spreading across your face, but you can’t. It’s too late, you’ve come down with a case of Bieber Fever and there’s nothing from #10 Candyland to cure it.

We all have that friend who’s absolutely adored him from day one and has been begging you to see Never Say Never in 3D for months now. You agreed, not because you wanted to see what all the hype was about, but because Betch of the Week Chelsea Handler loves and flirts with him. Maybe you can even do a funny #6 mobile upload with those 3D glasses on, and if not, it’s still a great excuse to smoke weed and see a movie. Whatever.

You soon find yourself sitting in the theater, unable to contain yourself. The second you see the Biebs, you’re brainwashed like Derek Zoolander by fucking Mugatu. Then it comes to the slow motion hair flip. GAME OVER. You’ve lost it and you have full on Bieber Fever.

Dad in the back thinking: SHUT THE FUCK UP BETCHES! I just wanna hear Bieber!

Then you see Biebs singing to that girl on stage during “One Less Lonely Girl.” You find yourself in a jealous rage and you’re screaming in a theater full of tweens and their moms, “BETCH, THAT BOY IS MINE!!!!” …And now your friend who dragged you to the movie is being an even bigger betch because she’s all like, “Uhhh, told ya so. I take all the credit because I discovered him first.” And you’re all like, “whatever, betch.”

Now you go home, purchase every song he’s ever sang and hit up YouTube to watch every interview and video he’s ever made. And now you and all of your friends are posting Bieber-related posts on each other’s Facebooks. Bieber or Die.

What IS it that makes him so cute? That hair. That smile. That voice. He’s such a flirt and a ladies’ man. There should be a new word to describe attraction to Justin Bieber. BACK THE FUCK OFF, SELENA. Is it weird that we’re actually attracted to him? Uhh, no, he’s a heartthrob, so what if it makes you a certified cougar? Okay, so it’s creepy. I don’t care. It’s Justin. Pelvic thrust.

You want to know everything and anything Bieber, but one day, when you’re at the gym because you’re obvi on a #5 diet (Spring Break soon!), you glance at CNN and you almost fall off the treadmill. They’re saying that Bieber cut his hair! Legitimate news sources are calling this breaking news. This is an epidemic. RIP Hair Flip.

Egypt what? Protests in Libya?

The minute you get home you immediately Google his new haircut. Fuck showering. You mourn the Hair Flip for a few minutes, but like… boy still looks good, for real. Then you find out he’s selling his hair for charity (see, he’s soo nice!), and you decide this is where you cross the line and anyone who buys it is certifiable, even though you secretly want to sleep with a lock of his hair under your pillow.

We understand that bros are jealous. They should be. Overheard by a betch last weekend: “Justin Bieber is the only guy who does it for me”…her boyfriend was standing right next to her. For all you haters, just embrace it. It’s only a matter of time until you’re infected.

So, Happy 17th Birthday Justin!! Only 365 days until I can legally seduce you. Unless of course we’re in Canada, where the legal age of consent is 14. Yeah, I Googled it, judge me. I’m gonna go put on my purple American Apparel hoodie, peace.

Betch of the Week: Chelsea Handler

25 Feb

“I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.” Chelsea Handler

There is NO ONE betches love more than Chelsea Handler. That’s because she embodies everything we aspire to be and more. What’s not to love about Chelsea? She has her own late night talk show where she gets to #1 talk shit about celebrities and gets paid for it. She’s written three hysterical books where all she talks about is having sex and being drunk and making fun of her dad. Chelsea tells it like it is. She’s like, really pretty, and she doesn’t give a fuck what anyone thinks about her…. All qualities that the ultimate betch possesses. A job where you get to rehash your blackout nights while making fun of D-List celebrities to their faces!? Sign us the fuck up! Today is Chelsea’s 36th birthday and we can honestly say that even though she’s old as fuck, there’s still no one we’d rather be than her! HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHELSEA!!!

Actual event. This picture is not staged. Note: the books.

Now, betches don’t have any issues with people who read books for fun. But while fucking nice girls spend their summers reading Jodi Picoult’s My Sister’s Keeper while crying alone in their rooms, and our dads read some boring political shit (Side note: as it turns out, Freakonomics is not about some wild #7 BSCB), betches spend their time reading three books: My Horizontal Life, Are You There Vodka, it’s Me, Chelsea! and Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang. We are SOOO excited for May 10th when Lies that Chelsea Told Me is released and we’ll have something to occupy ourselves while we’re tanning by the pool.

Chelsea Handler is like, the funniest betch alive. Pretty much all of her quotes could be related to shit betches love. Here are some of our faves:

“My mother told me that life isn’t always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.”

“Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It’s just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you’re a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you’re with immediately starts text messaging her friends, you have a small penis.”

For all these reasons, Chelsea is our Betch of the Week. If you have any suggestions for next week’s favorite betch, feel free to leave a comment or tweet it to us! http://www.twitter.com/betchesluvthis

Finally, in the spirit of last night’s #11 Jersey Shore post, the only funnier commentary on the show than ours is clearly Chelsea’s.

Countdown to Oscar Sunday

24 Feb

As all you betches are aware, the Betch Super Bowl is approaching in FOUR days!!!!! WILD!! Oscar Sunday gives betches a legitimate excuse to gather in groups and sit on our couches, drink wine, and of course, #1 talk shit about celebrities’ fashion fuck-ups a la Joan Rivers. If we see even ONE kitten heel… that bitch is getting betch slapped.

Even though the red carpet pre-show is really the main event for betches, we consider ourselves pretty serious movie fans and loooooove to predict the Oscars! Here’s a rundown of our picks this year, at least for the awards we care about… because who the fuck cares about foreign films and fucking sound editing?

Best Picture: The Social Network. Thank God for Facebook. What would betches do without it? Even though Mark Zuckerberg is totally unfuckable, a billion dollars can make anyone pretty hot. And who doesn’t love that crazy Asian betch who lit the hot guy’s apartment on fire? The normal reaction to your boyfriend’s incorrect relationship status would obviously be arson. What a #7 BSCB, love her.

Best Actor: Colin Firth. We don’t know, someone told us to pick him. Honestly, we fell asleep during this movie but absolutely LOVE royalty. Seriously. We’d watch a movie about Kate Middleton’s troubles flossing her teeth if it were in theaters.

Best Actress: Natalie Portman. We thought she was great in Black Swan, but that betch was fucking hysterical in No Strings Attached. Then again, I could’ve just been really high.

Best Supporting Actress: Amy Adams. Just respect the betch for putting on twenty pounds.

Best Supporting Actor: Christian Bale. We appreciate his struggle with drug addiction and we loved getting to see what boxing looks like. It’s like skiing for poor people!

For all our Twitter followers, we’ll be betch-slapping celebrities who commit fashion felonies in real-time on Sunday, so follow us @betchesluvthis!

8. Not Having Sex With Bros (sometimes)

22 Feb

It’s 2am and you’re hanging outside the bar thinking of ways to distract yourself from eating while on your #5 diet, even though the pizza place is across the street and you’re just below blackout. Then you see him standing across the street: the self-proclaimed “bro.”

The bro’s goal for the night is to fuck the hottest betch around, who, let’s face it, is you (thanks for the heads up Bros Like This Site!!). He motions for you to come over. As a true betch you’re not going for that shit, and you scream that if he wants to talk to you he can cross the fucking street.

He obviously does.

The two of you start talking when he mentions that he has weed. OMG, yes, I love blunts!!! The thought entices you enough to go back to his place, smoke and watch Knocked Up. Ahhh Paul Rudd!!! Love him too!! In addition, this is a great way to avoid #5 eating, at least for an hour. In your drunken state, it’s the perfect activity.

You go back, smoke a little weed, and this bro obviously starts to make out with you. You’re almost drunk/high enough and are considering having sex with him. At least it’ll be a workout!

Then you snap out of it and realize who you are. You’re a betch, and it will take more than a blunt and a ride in his BMW to conquer this shit. As a betch you realize that while bros rule the world (yeah, betches are secure enough in their awesomeness to admit it, who do you think you’re marrying anyway?), betches have the power to not have sex with them. Even their daddy’s money can’t get you to put out. As he tries to put his hand down your pants you yawn and say that you’ve got a super early group meeting and you’re so sorry and thanks for the blunt and you have to go. As if I’d ever go to any group meeting before noon. Bye.

See, the difference between your average slut and a betch is that a betch doesn’t just use her hotness to get laid, she uses it to manipulate the bros who think they’re in charge. Hellloooo just look at history! Anne Boleyn got her betchy ass to be Queen of England simply by not putting out to the ultimate asshole bro, Henry VIII.

This is not to say betches don’t love having sex, but unlike bros, our vaginas aren’t attached to our brains. Except sometimes if you had too many shots, and were so drunk that you actually had that beer to put you over, you might end up fucking him anyway… in that case it’s always fun to do a prank call with your betches a few weeks later telling him you’re knocked up and are gonna need about 18 years of child support.

We LOVEEEE this betch!!

21 Feb

Support LC in her fight against fashion fuck ups!!

5. Diets

21 Feb

When betches are sitting around doing what they do best, #1 talking shit, one of their favorite things to do is point out the recent weight fluctuations of other betches. Jamie’s face looks totally bloated lately, she should really be holding the dressing on that salad! Sucks for her! OMG, all that food Brittany ate when she went #3 abroad went straight to her thighs! Yuck!

While a betch will not eat for days because “nothing tastes as good as thin feels,” it’s hard to conjure up that inspirational picture of yourself when you had mono in 11th grade, if you’re blackout drunk and Domino’s is on the way (get the door!!). Do the calories count if I don’t remember!? Nahh!

Sometimes a betch will achieve the holy grail of betchdom, and actually lose a few pounds and look better. (Side note: no matter how skinny a betch is, she will always claim to be on a diet. The marginal 1% of betches, the fat ones, are kept around to make the others feel good about themselves, and to eat their leftovers to dispel the eating disorder rumors). Most of the time, a betch’s weight loss will be met with resentment from her “besties,” who will comment that she looks “too thin, flat chested, and no guys like her anyway.” This is most likely to be the situation if a betch’s weight loss actually resulted in her becoming the SKINNIEST BETCH IN THE FRIEND GROUP!! This would be considered unacceptable and will increase the time spent #1 talking shit about her behind her back.

So exactly how skinny does a betch desire to be? This would be a good time to mention some of the most influential betch idols when it comes to size:

OMG Steph looks so ano! Jeal.

1. Gisele Bundchen
2. Mary-Kate Olsen
3. Natalie Portman
4. Adriana Lima
5. Victoria Beckham
6. Blake Lively
7. Angelina Jolie

(Vomit break)

Anyway, how does one achieve skinny betch status? Obviously, we go on a DIIIIET!!!

When a betch declares to her friends that she’s “going on a serious diet” (usually she’s “going ano…but really”), it’s never a diet any doctor would approve and her goal weight is always about 20 pounds under the  “underweight” categorization of the BMI chart. South Beach and Weight Watchers are wayyyyyy too hard and just don’t work with our drinking habits, no offense to science and all.

Here are some of the worst-kept diet secrets, so prolific that we don’t even know what brilliant betch deserves credit for them. So try out some of these tips, and just remember, food looks wayyyyy better on the plate than it will on your ass!!!

The True Ano Diet: Generally the most popular of the betch diets, it involves eating nothing for as long as humanly possible. When you’re about to pass out have a sushi naruto roll and a bottle of water. If the eating part of this sounds unappealing, just pop an Adderall and you’ll forget that cheese fries even exist. Avoid binge eating while drinking. This diet doesn’t require exercise and helps a betch get drunk faster, thus avoiding calories from additional shotssssss (no beer, ever). Typical foods include salads (dressing on the side, duh), grilled chicken or shrimp, diet coke and iced coffee, carrot and celery sticks, 100 calorie packs (only one per day, two if you’re starrrrrving). After all, “eating disorder” is just another way of saying “effective dieting.” (Thanks BrosLikeThisSite!!! Betches love you!!!)

The One Meal A Day Diet: Similar to the True Ano Diet, except a betch will usually have one large meal consisting of anything she wants, thus she is eating her entire day of calories in one sitting; more effective if combined with exercise, especially since the one large feast will provide the energy to run for a few minutes at least. This method is easily executed if a betch can keep occupied with school work (Adderall to suppress the appetite!), exercising, napping, and going out (still no beer allowed!!!!).

The Cabbage Soup Diet: Eat only cabbage soup, day and night; most common in preparation for a big event like a fraternity formal, or vacation involving bikinis; difficult to maintain over a long period of time.

The Exercise All The Time Diet:
go to the gym for hours at a time and hit every machine possible, in addition to exercise classes like hot yoga and Soul Cycle (ugh, love Soul Cycle). Try not to overeat, but eat enough to be able to maintain a full day of exercise. This is not the diet plan for the lazy betches out there. Try to be compulsive enough to get right under that level where other betches will sit you down for an intervention (jealous betches!). Some people might call this exercise bulimia. We don’t care about them.

The FroYo Diet: Eat fro-yo in place of at least two meals a day; most effective with fat free frozen yogurt; use toppings sparingly (unless you like sprinkles, since sprinkles are so small, they’re like basicallyyy no calories!) .

The Drinking Only Diet: After sipping on wine all day, pound shots hard and fast. Then take a Xanax and pass the fuck out before your body realizes it hasn’t eaten in 12 hours.

Any one of these fail-safe, betch-proof diets is SURE to get you to the weight you wanna be, so just try it and we PROMISE you’ll see the results!!!

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