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Betch of the Week: Rachel Zoe

2 Sep

This week’s betch of the week is notable for amazing fashion sense and her ability to make her way to the ripe age of 40 without doing any work and just #77 shopping all day.

If that isn’t betchy enough, here are some more reasons while Rachel is betch of the week.

After graduating GW with bullshit degrees in sociology and psychology, and having some fake jobs at a few magazines, Zoe managed to somehow become the ultimate celebrity stylist, with her own reality TV show “The Rachel Zoe Project” with absolutely no formal fashion training. Now Zoe makes her own shit like handbags and accessories. It’s like she never even had to make a resume. Lucky betch.

This fall she’s coming out with her own clothing line that she’s turning into a lifestyle brand. What’s the lifestyle exactly? Be naturally skinny and everyone will forget you have no experience or training? Okay, we’re down.

She literally dresses the betchiest actresses in Hollywood. Be it Lindsay Lohan, Cameron Diaz, Mischa Barton or Demi Moore. She’s so hot she has even hotter women asking for her advice.

She teamed up with Nicole Richie to popularize the ‘boho chic’ look which consists of wearing oversized jewelry, loose fitting dresses, and an anorexic body.

Rachel is awesome because she has our ideal job. She gets to run around shopping all day wearing #60 sunglasses with #54 iced coffee glued to her hand.

Let’s talk about her personal life. She married Rodger Berman, her #52 gay bff who is also weirdly a #62 pro. He worships the ground she walks on and showers her with presents, and is also the best shopping partner a girl could ask for. She found the perfect guy to #8 not have sex with.

Oh wait but then she got pregnant. For some, having to stop consuming caffeine and weed is the biggest obstacle during pregnancy. For Rachel, it was how to still #42 dress like a slut. Oh, and she never got bigger than a size 0, but claimed she was never on a #5 diet.

Finally, Rachel has coined her own super trendy words. How many times have you heard your bestie declare last night was “B-A-N-A-N-A-S.” Yes, both Gwen Stephani and your lame friend stole that from Zoe. And how often do you hear someone exclaim, “I die!” yet they are still very much alive? 100% original Zoe. What a drama queen. Not to mention she is ALWAYS #82 over it.

So girls, if you want tips on how to make bank without knowing anything about banks besides your ATM pin, Rachel Zoe will always be your main betch.

Betch of the Week: Regina George

19 Aug

If betchiness were an art, Regina George would be Pablo fucking Picasso. We get that she’s fictional, but Regina is the epitome of a betch. Sure she’s a bitch, but she has a serious amount of edge.

Hot pony tail Linz Lo

From manipulating Aaron Samuels, (who turned out to be a bit too much of a #33 nice guy) to mastering the art of #42 dressing like a slut and the #41 fake smile, to being the closest thing to perfect to walk through her high school, betch has got it all. I mean, she made her parents trade rooms with her.

She totally stood her own when that former nice girl Cady Heron thought she could be the head betch in charge. “She thinks she’s gonna have a party and not invite me? Who does she think she is? I like invented her, you know what I mean?”

Lets not forget that Regina George is the only person in the world betchy enough to pull off the name Regina. The name totally screams “my mom’s hairdresser” but now it has a betchy legacy.

Clearly, Regina is a master at #1 talking shit. From three way calls to the burn book to that hysterical scene in the end where everyone’s beating each other up because she manipulated her entire school into thinking they’ve talked shit about each other. Betch knows how to get what she wants when she wants it. I know, right?

Even though she could have avoided gaining all of that weight by doing this thing called Googling a Kalteen bar, we don’t care. She may not be book smart but she definitely has the tactics of manipulation down to a tee.

In the words of Damien, she’s fierce. She’s the queen bee, those other two are just her minions. Obviously, as someone so hot and perfect she garners a lot of shit talking from the #43 haters. “I spent 80% of my time talking about Regina, and the other 20% of the time, I was praying for someone else to bring her up so I could talk about her more.”

Our fav Regina quotes include:

“I know she’s kind of socially retarded and weird, but she’s my friend… so, just promise me you wont make fun of her.”

“Because that vest was disgusting!”

So girls, if you haven’t seen Mean Girls we’re not even sure how you could possibly love this site. I mean you may think Regina is just your average selfish, back-stabbing slut faced ho-bag, but in reality, she’s so much more than that. She’s a queen betch and we fucking love her.

Betch of the Week: Petra Ecclestone

12 Aug

It’s possible you’ve never heard of today’s betch of the week. That’s because she’s probably the closest we’ll ever come to granting this honor to a non-celebrity…not to be uninspiring.

Petra Ecclestone is the British daughter of an Armani model and a rando billionaire, but she isn’t your run-of-the-mill heiress. Sure she’s friends with the Hiltons and all, but Petra is a little different. Mostly because Paris only has $50 million, meaning she’s practically poor.

Petra possesses the obviously betchy qualities, like she’s really pretty and #5 skinny, and no doubt a member of the Lucky Sperm Club. Petra modeled for a little, she designed some men’s clothes…none of that really lasted. Whatevs, it happens. Betches aren’t known for being particularly good at #36 work.

Don't think those monogrammed shoes distract us from his cross-eyes

But Petra isn’t known for her partying and wild ways either, actually she’s the complete opposite. That’s because she contracted meningitis at 14 and has since has become a complete health freak and devoted to meningitis as a charitable cause. That’s like, really sweet of her. We might even call her sensitive, but think again.

Petra, who’s only 22, is known for her casual property-buying. No, she doesn’t have a job, but in addition to her London mansion, Petra just bought Aaron Spelling‘s mansion in Los Angeles for like, 80-something million. Aside from the fact that this particular lot has already been #9 nicknamedCandyland” after Spelling’s wife Candy, Petra sealed the deal on this real estate gem by asking her betchy mom to borrow a cool 80 mil to pay for it. But mom, it was listed for $150! Memorial Day Sale! Ends tomorrow!

Gives new meaning to borrowing mommy’s charge card.

In addition to collecting mansions, she also collects Birkins. Who collects Birkins? Remember when Samantha Jones had to fight Lucy Liu for one?

She also collects those boughie Rolex watches and has several rooms worth of clothing. Petra doesn’t think she’s spoiled though, just privileged!

Anyway, Petra is getting married this month to a rich Pro named James Blunt Stunt. He bought her a Bugatti for their engagement, which was 5 times the price of Rihanna’s performance fee at their engagement party. Their wedding will be a 3-day event at a castle in Rome, probably followed by a yearlong honeymoon and then a lifetime spent interior decorating.

Betch of the Week: Anna Wintour

5 Aug

This week’s betch of the week is known for being the fashion industry’s scariest and #5 skinniest slave driver. Of course, the notoriously fierce editor-in-chief of Vogue, Anna Wintour.

For the rare career-driven power betch seeking a strong role model to guide her to the corner office, Anna is your girl. If you think she’s just your typical successful corporate bitch, you’re fucking ignorant. She doesn’t just run a fashion magazine, she doesn’t just run Vogue. She runs the entire global fashion industry. If you dispute this fact there’s this website called Wikipedia that told us, we heard it’s credible.

The only betch of the week who can pull off a bob hair style

Anna has an innate sense of what’s cool, artistic, and tasteful, but more importantly she knows that the key to life, not only in fashion, is to proudly display her disdain for fat people. She even told Oprah to lose weight. Truth hurts.

Some people out there, probably fat ones, blame Anna for promoting an “impossible and dangerous body image” for her models and employees. Please. We love this about her. Imagine if like, Michelle Obama were in charge of this – we’d all be eating 3 meals a day and some of us might even weigh in at a normal BMI. We all know this is just a nice way of calling someone fat.

Most importantly, Anna has the “I don’t care” attitude in spades. She’s known for her trademark massive #60 sunglasses, probably to shield her eyes from seeing fat people. And she says she can’t even count how many times PETA activists have destroyed her fur coats, yet she continues to wear and strongly encourages designers to use fur in their lines. She’s too betchy to even pretend to care about the environment. One time a protester dropped a dead raccoon in her plate while she was not eating at a restaurant. This could’ve sparked a #28 betch brawl worthy of Page Six, but instead she just asked the waiter to please remove it.

Many of Anna’s critics accuse her of being elitist. Our answer to this is much like our theory on the #43 haters: They. Are. Jealous.

While we don’t personally see this as a valid criticism because “elite” implies the “best,” and logical people prefer better things, this elitist attitude defines her as the ultimate betch. She’s the shit, and she and everyone else knows it. Even one of her friends admits to being “gripped by fear and panic in her presence.” SO betchy.

Fuck you, animals

So maybe she seemed like a total bitch in The Devil Wears Prada. All this movie did was prove that any publicity is good publicity because the whole world got to see how awesomely scary she is. Maybe if her stupid assistantAnne Hathaway had managed to get the unreleased Harry Potter book and porterhouse steak to “Miss Priestly” in a timely fashion she’d be the one with a chauffeured Benz and 200 grand clothing allowance by now.

So girls, if you’ve resigned yourself to being the office betch and you’re the rare betch who’s okay with doing work, there’s no one better to idolize than Anna Wintour. After all, there’s no betchier sign of a “don’t fuck with me” attitude than your staff members having a panic attack because you raised your fucking eyebrow.

She may be elitist, but it’s not her fault people are poor and like, can’t afford Chanel. This is Vogue, not Fruit of the fucking Loom.

Betch of the Week: Nicki Minaj

8 Jul

This week’s betch of the week is long overdue. When Usher’s “Lil Freak” came out, you were all wondering who the fuck is this bitch at the end of the song and why is she so good? Next thing you know you’re replaying it on your iPod over and over, just to terribly rap/sing along to her part. It wasn’t long until you found your BSCB idol: Nicki Minaj.

Well, it’s no surprise that she’s now on the top music charts, signed with Lil Wayne’s Young Money Records, and is the baddest-betch around. Bros respect Nicki. She got 50k for one fucking verse before even having a fucking album.

Nicki’s a betch because she has her own style and doesn’t give a shit about what anyone says about it. Her image is mostly defined by her big ass hair and her even bigger ass. Now, normally coloring your hair neon is for punk losers like Avril Lavigne, but Nicki pulls it off, probably because she doesn’t pair the hairstyle with fucking rubber band bracelets and a piano key necktie.

Nicki wears shit that no one can pull off, not even Lady Gaga. She doesn’t try to make any fucking statements with her outfits, like she wouldn’t be caught dead being carried around in an egg. That shit was ridiculous. No, Nicki mixes styles of different decades. What better to go with a retro suit from the early 90s than a Victorian-do?

Nicki charged through the music business like a true betch, fighting off jealous bitches with straight class.

Yes, we’re talking about the Lil’ Kim feud. In response to being accused of stealing Kim’s persona, Nicki dismissed Kim as a “has been” and said:

“I respect you. I love you. I’ve said it in every interview time and time again. And if that’s not good enough for you, mama, there’s something deep rooted in you. … That’s your insecurity bothering you. It’s not Nicki Minaj.” Talk about winning.

Nicki’s a badass. She knows she’s the shit and she’s not afraid to say it. Every betch should thank her for making it possible for us to rap to a song without sounding like a dude. Like we all really loooooved Weezy’s “Lollipop” but we sounded like drugged out white girls trying to keep up with the words.

Thanks to Nicki, now we’re able to appear just marginally retarded.

Let’s talk about Nicki’s BCSB multiple personalities. Betch is too cool to only handle one state of mind. She states “Anybody that knows me knows that I have a very, very bipolar personality, so one minute I’m excited and the next minute I’m crying and the next minute I’m cussing and yelling and the next minute I’m singing Enya.” She may come off weird to some, but that doesn’t stop you from listening to her music. In fact, it makes the betch that much more interesting!

You know Nicki’s a real betch when the only thing you can really say about her is, “Shit, that bitch is so fucking cool.”

As Nicki herself says, “Been around the world, I still can’t find another girl that can steal my shine. I’ve had my highs, I’ve had my lows, But you can’t tell me that I am not the baddest bitch.” She’s reading our minds.

Betch of the Week: Katy Perry

1 Jul

This week’s Betch of the Week, Katy Perry, has earned her title in numerous ways. With her song, E.T. she became the first artist in history to be in the top 10 of Billboard Hot 100 for an entire year. But that’s far from the betchiest thing about her.

First, Katy wins the title for most improved betch-in-training. The girl was the daughter of not one, but two Chrisitan pastors and was not allowed to listen to non-gospel music growing up. Talk about a fucking nice girl. Cut to ten years later and the Betch is singing about making out with girls and blacking out.

Also, Katy married ultimate ugly hot, funny bro Russell Brand. While she’s clearly way hotter than him, there’s still a big part of us that’s really jealous. I mean, so what if he wears v-necks that expose his entire chest, he has a seriously hot accent and anything that leaves his mouth is fucking hysterical. Only a true betch could turn a womanizing alcoholic sex addict into a wifed up pro.

Although betches don't eat cupcakes, Katy is allowed to wear them

Katy seems like a relatively smart betch too, providing us with some great inspirational quotes:

“I still love Freddie Mercury. He was flamboyant with a twist of the operatic, but more importantly, he just didn’t give a fuck.”

“I’ve done a lot of bad things. Use your imagination.”

“I think there’s a fine line between being a slut and being classy. I walk in between that line.”

Let’s talk about Katy’s latest hit, Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F) This is like the betchiest song to hit the Billboard 100 since Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. A song relaying a night of blacking out, hooking up, and losing shit? Fucking story of our lives. Thanks for putting a typical betch evening into lyrical mode.

Betches love Katy Perry because she’s hot, she has an attitude, and her songs are fucking amazing. With the exception of her asking us if we ever feel like a plastic bag (uh, no that’s pretty much the last thing I’ve ever fucking felt like) her lyrics are us. In the spirit of owning the night like the fourth of July this weekend, keep Katy in mind and blackout like it’s fucking Friday night.

Betch of the Week: Kate Moss

17 Jun

Because lately we just can’t get enough of the Brits, we present to you this week’s Betch of the Week, supermodel Kate Moss.

Kate has had many, many betchy accomplishments to get where she is today. In the 90s, she actually popularized a look called Heroin chic, which is basically being insanely thin and beautiful while looking a little tired from partying too much. Who else could make looking like an anorexic drug addict popular? And like, who else could actually get people to buy this as a fucking fashion pitch? It’s like a real life version of the Derelict campaign from Zoolander, but like, real.

Kate's not too thin, we can still see her shadow!

Kate Moss has been accused of being anorexic since she was fucking 14 years old and betch haters all over the world have been trying to say she promotes anorexia because they’re jealous of her. All these activists for eating seriously need to shut the fuck up. I mean, Wikipedia says she’s a size 2 and that’s almost fat. Kate couldn’t have said it better herself when she claimed “It’s neurotic fat women who hate me – they’re stupid.”

Other prolific betchy quotes coined by Kate are the following:

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

“My mum used to say to me, ‘you can’t have
 fun all the time,’ and I used to say, ‘why not?’ Why the fuck can’t I have fun all the time?”

If Kate Moss isn’t a betch we really don’t know who is, and as long as her body has enough fat on it that we can tell that she’s physically present, she will remain our betch idol forever.

Betch of the Week: Victoria Beckham

13 May

This week we’d like to honor the only Brit who can possibly rival former Betch of the Week Kate Middleton, and one of the greatest pop icons of our younger betch-hood. We’re talking about Posh Spice herself, Victoria Beckham.

Vicky Becks is the skinniest and most robotic, yet iconic celebrity betch out there. Her greatest asset is her extremely unapproachable aura that every betch strives for, the ability to say “fuck off” without even speaking. She rarely smiles or says anything, and we like that about her. She’s too betchy to bestow her precious thoughts and feelings on the common people. But we’re also sure her publicist lives up her ass because anything she has to say would be too offensive.

The real thing we love about her is that she is so fucking #5 skinny. She claims that her diet consists of water, fish and strawberries (as in, a strawberry). When asked if she’s ever eaten a cookie, she actually said no.

Exactly how much does she hate fat people? Put it this way, she has her own fashion line so exclusive that the clothes don’t come in sizes larger than zero. She only dresses select celebrities whom she considers of her own caliber. Judging people is so betchy. Even her clothes play hard to get. #winning

For those of you betches who were lucky enough to be around during the reign of the Spice Girls, you know that the Queen Betch of the bestie group always got to dress up as Posh when you would perform your own renditions of Wannabe. Fuck Baby Spice. Like, really? You’re 25 and prancing around with pigtails and lollipops.

Skinny bitch still has bigger boobs than Sporty Spice.

Vicks, on the other hand…did she even sing? We’re pretty sure she just walked on stage wearing the shortest dress and highest heels possible, looking pissed off. But that’s just us. Either way, no matter what she wears, aspiring betches will always worship the ground she walks on. Have you ever seen Vick on the wrong side of Fashion Police? We’re just waiting for the day Joan Rivers calls her out for wearing one of those ridiculous fucking hats.

Finally, not to point out her most obvious acquisition, but her husband is David fucking Beckham. And her sons Brooklyn, Romeo, and Cruz (Duh the Beckhams are in the retarded celebrity baby name club), are already on their way to becoming the hottest, douchiest assholes that today’s five year-old Betches-in-Training are going to be obsessed with in 10 years. Fear a family where every member looks like they were carved by fucking Michaelangelo.

Just when we thought pregnancy was the only excuse left to eat, Vick snapped us back to reality. If you think that daughter she’s expecting will ever see a birthday cake, think again. She’ll thank her later.

Betch of the Week: Kate Middleton

30 Apr

This week’s Betch of the Week should come as no surprise. Yes betches, we were awake at 5am the other night for the one #2 newsworthy broadcast of the decade, and ever since our first glimpse of Kate Middleton in the most unreal wedding dress EVER, we’ve been obsessed.

We know we throw this term around a lot, but Kate Middleton is THE ultimate betch. Once a “commoner,” Kate went off to college like any other girl and somehow, being the luckiest person in the entire world, found herself the ultimate bro boyfriend. Now it’s just a matter of years until she’s the Queen of fucking England.

It must have been hard for William to explain this photo to the Queen.

How did she catch Prince Wills? By dressing like a slut in a fashion show, and probably having some great fucking game.

Cut back to 2007. “Waity Katie” managed to completely circumvent getting a job and avoid all the pains of post-grad betchdom in the way only the finest members of the #17 Lucky Sperm Club can. Minor issue… a Kate and Wills breakup! But Kate played the #16 post breakup betch like a fucking champ, spending her days shopping for shoes and dresses and shit, so the tabloids could comment on how hot she looked when she went out #20 clubbing with other famous bros who just “happened” to be friends with Will! She let the paparazzi snap a few pics of her out partying and loving life, which obvs pissed Will off (jealous prince!), because we all know how the fairy tale ends. She fucking #32 won.

Now Kate gets to live in a palace and generally just chill for the rest of her life as a professional fashion icon. No matter what she does or wears or says, the media buys that shit like it’s the fucking gospel. Designers literally beg her to wear their clothes! They made her into a Barbie! They’ve even named a hairstyle after her, called “The Kate.” Do they really not expect anyone to notice that we’ve all worn this so-called “style” before?

Look at that jealous betch in the corner.

Oh em geeeeee how do they get her hair to look like that!? It’s called a blow dryer and hot rollers, assholes.

We’re also jealous of Kate because no one will stop talking about how fucking #5 skinny she is. We get it, we’ve all been watching E!, but they’re not even accusing her of having an eating disorder when they mention her 23-inch waist! No American celebrity could dream of such positive press attention, but lucky for Kate, the Brits know how to shut the fuck up and respect royalty. Still, show me a picture of Kate and I’ll suddenly remember why I haven’t eaten in twelve hours.

Also, that engagement ring.

So thank you, Kate Middleton. Aside from being an inspiration to betches all around the world for your beauty and poise, you also gave us an excuse to hang out in #10 Candyland until 7am on a Thursday night.

Betch of the Week: Elizabeth Taylor

2 Apr

Our Betch of the Week this week goes to one of the most iconic betches in history. Elizabeth Taylor. Known for her beauty (including violet eyes, how betchy is that!), fashion, and movies, she is someone any true betch can and should aspire to be like.

Elizabeth was married eight times and was obviously very good at #8 not fucking bros.

“I’ve only slept with men I’ve been married to. How many women can make that claim?”

Her other betchy qualities include #2 not keeping up with the news.

“I really don’t remember much about Cleopatra. There were a lot of other things going on.”

And of course, #1 talking shit.

“The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they’re going to have some pretty annoying virtues.”

We honor Elizabeth Taylor’s memory and are impressed that even in her last days she still remained true to her betch persona, proving you don’t have to be young and hot to be a betch, you just have to have once been.

At her request, the funeral began 15 minutes after it was scheduled to begin; as her representative told the media “she even wanted to be late for her own funeral.”

Elizabetch Taylor ran shit.

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