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Amanda Bynes: Calls the Obamas ugly. Sho

9 Jul

Amanda Bynes: Calls the Obamas ugly. Shows up in court with blue hair. Really productive week so far. http://bit.ly/15ruM7S

96. The Ex-Boyfriend Life Cycle

13 Sep

Popular culture tells us that you’re allowed half the duration of the actual length of your relationship to get over it, but what they don’t take into consideration is the entire ex-boyfriend life cycle.

This cycle is for people who haven’t found a new boyfriend or are unhappy with the guy they’re hooking up with. If you’re fortunate enough to have fallen in either of these categories and were probably over it for a large part of your ex-relationship, skip to the last phase of the cycle. For the rest of you drama-seeking betches, here’s what to expect when you’re expecting too much.

We Still Fuck Sometimes But He’s Not My Boyfriend Phase:Why would you revert to an earlier stage of your relationship where you still have to play games? You broke up for a reason. It’s called a breakup because it’s fucking broken.

Break-ups are hard.

You’re a betch, be single. Why manipulate one guy when you can manipulate three? Fucking duh.

This stage consists of still hooking up while being anxiously on edge about what he’s doing and with whom. It’s just a mess. This never ends well. Best to exit as soon as possible.

Usually, unless you get back together, something happens to get you very angry at your ex, there’s a massive blowout fight, possibly involving a #92 love triangle, and you enter the next phase.

The Over It Not Over It Phase: You claim to be #82 over it, but all you fucking talk about is him and how much he sucks and the whores he’s fucking. For someone who’s supposed to hate someone, you’re checking for updates as frequently as one checks their Facebook or Twitter. Literally, by checking Facebook and Twitter.

OMG did Jon put me on limited profile?! Jenna, you MUST go on Facebook so we can go through and compare EXACTLY which tagged pics of Jon we both see?

You are so not over it that you are under the impression that this is something Jenna wants to do.

Even though you claim to be over it, all of your friends know that you have carefully calculated each and every move you make in order to make your ex jealous, angry, or upset. If you manage to accomplish all three, congrats, this is the ultimate in #32 winning and greatest feeling of happiness as the #16 post break-up betch.

However, you’re only allowed to be in the continuous bitching stage for a third of the duration of the your relationship. To the besties of the girls in this phase: it fucking sucks if she’s trying to get over a 3 year relationship, consider branching out.

Phase of Silence: Eventually it becomes socially unacceptable to still be talking about your ex, so even if you’re not fully out of the last phase you better fucking pretend like you are. It’s like counting the dead after a battle. Silent.

The Actual Over It Phase: This is the rainbow after the hurricane. You actually don’t wish this person ill will. You don’t care. As we’ve said before the person who cares the least has the most power and is by default winning, but you’re out of the game now.

It's always a surprise when someone breaks up with Jen

At one point you might even give a smile and wave when you see him somewhere, possibly even a #88 stop and chat. This is the greatest symbol of the Actual Over It Phase.

Side Note: Claiming that your ex-boyfriend has now morphed into your guy friend is not allowed in this phase or like, ever. Like we’ve said before, #50 guy friends are bullshit. Unless you got fat.

95. Little Dogs

12 Sep

Sometimes betchiness gets out of control and there’s no one in the world we can turn to. Enter the little dog. For betches, little dogs are like an animal version of our #52 GBFFs. They always have our backs, fuck with our enemies for us, and understand the importance of being treated like a princess.

Besides, it’s hard to #1 talk shit about your besties to your besties, and sometimes a betch needs the therapeutic silence of their little munchkin muffin pie cutie face. Isn’t that right Peanut?

Mickey Rourke, what a betch.

Peanut always agrees.

Some people may say little dogs are disgusting. This is sometimes true. However, more often than not, the people who say this are fugly. So haters, when it comes down to it, you’re just someone who hates little innocent dogs and you have to live with the fact that it is less appealing to hang out with you than my “disgusting” dog.

Having a little dog gives betches a chance to create someone just like ourselves (betchy, fashionably dressed), without the weight gain inherent in childbirth.

We like any kind of dog that’s bred to be miniature. It’s like a designer bag, but still alive. You know your dog is betchy if you can bring it to a fancy brunch. Everyone knows a betchy dog is automatically classier than a poor person.

I mean, who would you rather be? A Walmart employee on food stamps, or Lisa Vanderpump’s pomeranian?

Betches don’t have mutts or golden fucking retrievers. You think we want a family friendly dog? Uh, no. Betches want a dog who will be as unfriendly and give off as much of a fuck off vibe as we do. And ew, everyone knows cats are for smelly nice girls.

We know Paris Hilton had a Chihuahua, but she, and Elle Woods of course, are the only two who can pull this off without looking like a girl who is trying too hard to look like a betch. The only thing a Chihuahua will give you is grossed out looks from your friends and maybe a free burrito from Taco Bell.

There is, however, one thing that is bothersome about betches with little dogs. The only thing more disgusting than a happy couple is a girl obsessively kissing her dog in a restaurant. It’s poor etiquette to make out with your dog in public, no matter how much you love it. But like crying, we don’t give a shit what you do in your house.

So, appreciate the one friend of yours who can literally bark at anyone who fucks with them. And remember, betches love bitches.

Dear Betch…

11 Sep

Dear Betches,

My BF recently decided randomly that “sometimes he doesn’t want a girlfriend.”  So now we’re on a break and I’ve been really upset and sad and depressed and TOTALLY not betchy for the past week.  Now it’s time for me to get back in the betch game and make that dumb bro regret only wanting me “sometimes”, and playing my feelings like that (fully support #8 Not Having Sex With Bros and #16 The Post-Break Up Betch…but I could still use some words of wisdom).

Any suggestions on how to make a bro regret playing/lying to a bomb-ass betch?   I’m talking I needa be a skinny, hawt, smokin betchy betch when I walk around campus and I could use as much helpful advice from my fellow betches as possible.

Sincerely,

A Broken Hearted Betch.
______________________________

Dear Broken Hearted Betch,

It goes without saying that you should be working the typical post-break up betch drunkenness and #5 anorexia and doing everything in your power to make him regret his decision to go on a “break,” be it by letting other hotter bros pursue you in front of his face or telling everyone you know about his secret stash of Rogaine he uses to deal with his prematurely developing male pattern baldness.

It seems like you know how this #32 game should be played, but we’ve all seen the betch who goes on a “break” with the bro who “needs this time to be single right now.”

[Translation: It’s been a few years and I’m sick of only fucking you, but I see a promising future with you so hold on a sec while I string you along indefinitely. Don’t worry, I won’t get attached to any of the whores I fuck. BRB.]

Betches don’t accept bullshit “breaks” just because her boyfriend decides he wants one. This usually results in her feeling like her own boyfriend’s booty call, so there’s only one way to play it. You have nothing to do with that asshole until he decides he’s taking you back. Hopefully you’ll be around. Does the fastest runner in a race wait around for the loser to decide he’s ready to catch up?

Sincerely,

The Betches

__________________________

Dear Betches,

This past year I’ve been having serious problems with not fucking bros. Luckily, emotional entanglement is not an issue for me, I have a heart of fucking stone.

I made sure I only slept with quality bros, however, after a night of booze and various trips to Candyland, I banged the fucking number one bro and it got around pretty quickly. He had broken up with one of my one of my best betches, I realize that was a pretty low blow even though she’d been complaining about him for at least a week before it ended. I thought it would pass over when we went home for summer, however, schools back in session and she and about half my ex-betch friends still want to rip my guts out.

They’re over-reacting, and I’d just like this to be over. Advice?

Thanks Betches

Sincerely,

Whore Problem

______________________________

Dear Whore Problem,

First of all, there’s a difference between having no feelings and being an evil whore. Also, you say she was complaining about him for “AT LEAST A WEEK?!” Assuming their relationship wasn’t two weeks long, one week does not a disastrous relationship make.

You’re a bad friend. They’re not overreacting. Don’t try to convince yourself that you’re in any way not in the wrong. Your route should be the hardcore apology, no questions asked. If after your sincere apology, they’re still aggressive towards you, then whatever it happens. Move on and stop fucking your friends’ boyfriends.

Sincerely,

The Betches

Betch of the Week: Sloan McQuewick

9 Sep

In honor of the final season of one of HBO’s most kind of sort of decent shows, we give you Entourage’s hottest character and this week’s Betch of the Week, Sloan McQuewick.

The daughter of one of the biggest fictional shady asshole bros on television, Terrence McQuewick, Sloan plays the Daddy’s Little Girl Card in a way that most betches only dream of. Sloan is gorgeous, she #36 doesn’t work, and is the only female on the series who #8 hasn’t fucked Vincent Chase. Well done, betch.

One of her greatest qualities is that every guy in the fucking universe is in love with her and all she has to do is look hot, smile, and flip her perfectly done hair.

"That visor, so hot right now, that visor" -Sloan

For all eight seasons of the show, we got to watch Sloan manipulate and #32 win in all confrontations with E. Watching Eric try to pretend like he wasn’t Sloan’s little bitch for six years was one of our favorite parts of Entourage. Now we know she’s petite, but in real life she would never be caught with the short, talentless E, who was way too much of a #33 nice guy and therefore did not suffer from the necessary case of TDS that would be needed to conquer someone of Sloan’s rank.  She managed to emasculate E so much that he’s now more feminine than Carrie Bradshaw.

We’re just confused as to why no one makes a bigger deal about why the fuck Sloan would ever settle for this back burner bro midge. We know she’s betch of the week, but there must be something wrong with her. Maybe she has a facial hair issue that’s never discussed. All we know is that we’re thinking the same thing each episode that goes something like, “WHY?”

Don’t date actors, fine. Date Scott Lavin if you have that compact-man fettish, at least he’s somewhat sexy and isn’t the only person who will beat Lindz Lo in a who-has-more-freckles competition.

Sloan’s betchiness culminated in her refusal to marry E without a prenup, no one gets to take advantage of my daddy’s money except me! Yeah, because we’re sure he could support her lifestyle with his tenuous job giving Vince advice that he never listens to. Also note her refusal to have anything to do with E even after he knocks her up. Takes a true betch to not succumb to the inevitable hormones that might make you a nice girl during pregnancy.

Lastly, we know this is about the actress and not the character, but it needs to be addressed. Sloan/Emmanuelle, we forgive you for being in Snow Day, everyone makes mistakes.

How To: Drink Like A Betch

8 Sep

As a high school betch, drinking was something you probably did if you were normal. As in, can anyone steal some vod from their parents? OMG, I looooveee hypnotiq. But as a betch in college or post-college, drinking is now something of a routine, like tweezing our eyebrows or sharing meals with the garbage.

How we drink:

Shots. Betches love taking shots. Shots are the fastest and easiest way to get drunk. In order to not be that girl who doesn’t remember leaving the pregame, the best way to take shots is to take by halfsies. However, some betches will say this is a bitch way to drink. We say, you’re probably fat.

What we drink:

At the pregame: Vodka is one hundo the way to go. Tequila is second. College betches love their Svedka. Like if you don’t wake up in the morning with at least one empty handle of Sved somewhere in your apartment you’re probably not a betch. Svedka is cheap enough to buy for parties, comes in a fake classy glass bottle, and tastes better than Smirnoff. No, we’re not getting paid for this promotion, it’s just true. As betches out of college we lean towards the actually classy Grey Goose or Belvedere. For those who swear by Goose and say it tastes sooooo much better, you are stupid. It’s just colder.

At the bar: Vodka soda, splash of cran or pineapple, paid for by a bro or the bartender who thinks if he gives you enough free drinks you’ll stick around later and fuck him. You #8 won’t because you’re not Miranda Hobbes.

Exceptions: Beer. Betches will drink beer on rare occasions. For example, a guy buys you one, during beer pong (tip: have a guy partner, smile coyly and let him drink all of your cups), and when you want to appear chill.

How we get drunk:

Betches don’t get “shitfaced,” “hammered,” or “slammed.” We get blackout. As in, I was soooo blackout on Wednesday I totally don’t remember making out with that freshman. The most important thing about being blackout is to make sure you’re with people who are on the same level as you or slightly more drunk. This way, it seems like you totally have your shit together. If you wake up the next morning every morning with a minor panic attack because you don’t know where your phone is, congrats betch, you blacked out.

So when your parents give you the speech about how you have to stop getting so ridiculously drunk and that they’re concerned you’re becoming an alcoholic, just tell them not to worry and that everyone’s doing it. Remind them that you’re only as betchy as the extent to which your Facebook pictures look like a wedding montage of you and vodka, traveling the world together…one shot at a time.

94. All Things British

7 Sep

There’s a reason that like, five of our Betches of the Week are British (and happened to be named Kate). This is because betches love British people, British shit, and basically all things British.

Why the obsession with people from a country that’s not number one?

Being British gives you the ability to seem classy and elegant even if you’re not. If a British person is trashy, they seem like, ten times classier than any American. Ever seen the British version of The Office?

Could he BE anymore attractive?

Even though we think #63 America is the more attractive side of the Atlantic, our love for Brits is largely in part about the accent. Throw any guy with an English accent our way and he’s automatically a million times hotter. The accent can make a person go from somewhat boring to die-laughing hysterical. Imagine Lisa Vanderpump or Russell Brand without their accents. You’ll just be left with an old lady in a pink dress who makes out with her dog and a hobo.

The English accent also makes anyone seem smarter and more charming, two qualities that signify a #62 Pro.

There is a reason why when someone tries to imitate any accent other than the English one, they sound like Borat. This is because Spanish and Italian (etc) accents are kind of nauseating, something we know from our experiences #3 abroad. Meanwhile English-based accents (be it Irish, Scottish, or Australian) are hot.

For instance, Prince Harry and William would be #19 ugly hot if they were American but instead they’re just hot because they’re British princes. It’s some sort of royal fucking touch. If it were JFK or Alec Baldwin in ugly-hot-question, he’d have to do something about his receding hairline.

And think about this one: Most British have bad teeth because their dentists are probably too busy getting laid.

Let’s talk about the country we shadily wish we lived in if it weren’t so fucking cold.

Britain is like a fucking fantasy land. The idea of having tea at Harrods is a great reason to chill and #36 not do work, and living there would be the only reason we’d agree to live a life without #54 iced coffee.

Also, their food’s shitty so that’s a sure way to boost your #5 diet. We like the idea of a lunch consisting of um, tea.

She's prob thinking, "Kate could totally lose like 5 lbs"

Finally, a place where it’s possible to get a job as a literal Queen…? Sign us the fuck up. The Queen is a huge betch even though she’s old. Someone design the betch some enormous royal #60 sunglasses to complete her DGAF vibe.

On top of that, everything in England is really expensive and therefore exclusive. They even have their own amazing currency that’s better than everyone else’s.

Like even though they don’t use the Euro they’re still in the European Union, which is kind of like joining a club and refusing to wear the uniform because you’re too hot for it. That’s betchy.

Oh and can somebody say Top Shop?

So Monday may have been Labor Day, a reason for feeling patriotic and proud of our country a random three-day weekend, today is the day for #1 talking shit. Great Britain is like America’s less dramatic, betchy older sister.  She used to own us (Okay whatever, she like invented us), but we grew up and got a lot cooler. She may be pastier than you, but there’s still a little part of you who idolizes her and longs for her Burberry raincoat.

93. Sexual Mapping

6 Sep

Remember that Karen Owens thing? While most of us are not stupid enough to allow that kind of detailed information to go viral, the Karen Owens powerpoint is a great example of sexual mapping: the only kind of work or mapping that a betch would ever do.

Let’s talk about how betches organize their sexual experiences.

This is too much work for betches

The Powerpoint: No. Karen Owens did something extreme by keeping an intense log of essentially short stories about her failure to #8 not fuck bros. To write that is weird, and to send it out to your friends is even weirder. Still, we enjoyed it. Thanks, Karen.

The Number: Most betches, at minimum, keep track of their number and who’s on the list. You should definitely know the last name of everyone on the list before having sex with them, or at the very least, after. If you can’t keep track within a 2-person range of the true number, your number’s too high.

The Calendar: What, are you like, trying to track your baby daddy?

The Web: Remember in camp when everyone would write their name on a wall and then write every guy they’ve hooked up with and see who overlapped the most?
It’s a little immature to create an actual physical “web” of hookups, though many betches have done so in their day. If you go to college, you’re probably within like, 3 degrees of hookup separation with any given person at the bar, and a physical map of this might be funny.

But as you get older, tracking your sexual encounters is more like a parenting style. You should know where your kids are, but it doesn’t mean you have to attach a fucking tracking bracelet to their wrists. Sexual mapping is supposed to be more in your head and should be like, wayyyy less structured. Like, we highly doubt your mom has a sexual web, but you bet she’s #1 talking shit with her #69 besties about who fucked whose husband.

Just hang on one sec while I update my excel sheet...

So, you should’ve already read #79 sexting and know that betches don’t allow evidence of their #53 shady endeavors in either physical or virtual form. Therefore, the key to using the sexual map to your advantage is to hone your memory and awareness in order to manipulate people. Knowledge is power. As Regina George showed us, if you’re going to call up Taylor Waddell’s mom and tell her you’re calling from Planned Parenthood, you better know which bro you’re getting back at and which girl to place on your #25 WYDEL.

Dear Betch…

4 Sep

Dear Betch,

So, I consider myself pretty betchy, but recently I’ve been faced with a statistic and I want to know where a betch would fall. After talking to one of my roommates after she spent the night out at a guy’s place, she made a list of all the guys she’s fucked. Her total was 17. My other roommate followed and counted 12. My number is 3… considerably different. This is with a 1 year relationship, but like, they’ve had relationships too. So am I just a prude betch, or just not an easy betch? Because it’s not like I’m ugly, obviously, I just don’t like sleeping around, but is that unbetchy? What would be the proper betchy number in this circumstance?

Sincerly,

A Concerned Betch

_______________________

Dear Concerned Betch,

The question of how many guys it’s appropriate to fuck or #8 not fuck is complex and the answer often depends on things like your age, relationship status, and fugliness.

Really, there is no right number, just the right manipulation tactics. As long as you’re holding off long enough to maintain power and the upper hand (let’s call #26 spring break a black hole loophole for this rule) the number of guys you’ve fucked isn’t really important, be it 1 or 20.

That being said, we cant promise a guy won’t find you weird if you’re a 25 year old virgin. We also find it likely that no man will ever marry you with the knowledge that you’ve fucked upwards of 40 bros or pros. A number is just a number unless it communicates that you’re a freak or a whore.

Sincerely,

The Betches

_______________________

Dear Betch,

Love the site, makes me LO-fucking-L #alldayeveryday.

Anyways, I love to get stoned and watch movies (DUH). But i get the munchies. Betches CANT be gettin’ the munchies n shit because as we all know – betches aren’t fat.

I do everything a betch shud do to stay skinny: eat nothing but sushi, salad, water, and coffee and work out 5 days a week.

I’ve been able to keep myself in check, but every now and then BOOM the munchies just hit me and I wake up the next day with a cookie hangover and contemplating anorexia.
Is my only choice to quit the devils lettuce? Or is there any advice you have to beat the munchies?

Please help!

Sincerely,

Munchie Betch
_______________________

Dear Munchie Betch,

While we completely understand where you’re coming from, ourselves having our own proclivity toward the weed, it’s kind of simple.

Just don’t fucking eat. Drink fucking seltzer or eat cucumbers or some shit and when you see a cookie just tell yourself that “The Betches” told you it’s not fucking okay.

That said, we imagine that when you’re getting stoned and watching #81 movies, you’re doing so in place of going out and getting wasted. We can’t really imagine being sober all the time so consider the fact that your calories will always come from somewhere. There’s a reason betches aren’t extinct from starvation, and it’s because we live off the calories we consume in pursuit of getting fucked up.

In other words, beat yourself up about it, but not TOO hard. And don’t forget, contemplating anorexia doesn’t make you anorexic. Anorexia does.

Sincerely,

The Betches

How Betchy Is Your College? A Quiz:

1 Sep

1. If you’re not in the Greek system you are:

A) just like everyone else. No one wears those stupid Greek letters. This is #63 America.
B) assumed to be a complete fucking loser. Go Greek or go the fuck away geed… To like, NYU or something
C) a normal person. No one judges you either way.

2. My school is located: (circle all that apply)

A) in a city
B) in the middle of bumblefuck
C) in Europe
D) in a coastal state, or in Chicago
E) in a landlocked state
F) in Canada
G) in the South

3. My school is:

A) in the Ivy League
B) Duke, UCLA, USC, Emory, Stanford, UMiami, Tulane, BU, GW, those types
C) the main campus of Indiana, Wisconsin, Michigan, Arizona, Ohio State, Penn State
D) a small liberal arts school in a coastal state, or NYU
E) a small liberal arts school in a landlocked state
F) in a big sports conference. Do I know which one? No fucking way.
G) MIT, CalTech, University of Chicago those types
H) other

4. On Saturdays during the day we typically:

A) tailgate
B) go to the library
C) day drink unrelated to sports
D) volunteer at hospitals and shelters, or attend plays or political campus rallies or other weird events you should be embarrassed to attend
E) sit around recovering from hangover, filling day with nothing in particular, lots of free time to #77 shop and drink #54 iced coffee

5. My tuition costs:

A) over $40,000 a year
B) under $40,000 a year
C) it’s free. I’m in the army!

6. Which of the following best describes the legacy situation at your school?

A) What’s a legacy?
B) A few of my friends have parents who went here. Does that count?
C) My bestie got a 500 on her verbal SATs. Shes at Penn now! What a smartie!
D) Idk, what does it mean when they put your last name on a building?
E) Um…I’m pretty sure my dad owns you.

7. I have been inside a library

A) never
B) once
C) 1-2 times each semester
D) more than the above

8. Most bros I know will later evolve into #62 Pros who work:

A) at a bank or a consulting firm
B) as a lawyer or doctor when they finally get that stupid fucking degree. Good thing his parents or rich or idk how he’d afford a ring AND med school!
C) as a farmer, writer, or union organizer or some other low paying shit possibly involving manual labor or creativity sitting around
D) for the government or in public service
E) in any profession that you could see Ari Gold doing
F) their post grad plans include being barred out and smoking pot

____________________________________

Scoring Key:
1) A=0; B=4; C=2. 2) A=5; B=1; C=5; D=3; E=1; F=1; G=4. 3) A=2, additional +1 if Penn or Cornell because you could be dumb, -1 if you go to brown; B=4; C=5; D=2; E=0; F=5; G=0; H=1. 4) A=5; B=0; C=4; D=0; E=3. 5) A=5; B=1 point per $10,000; C=0. 6) A=0; B=2; C=4; D=5; E=6. 7) A=5; B=4; C=3; D=0. 8 ) A)=5; B=4; C=1; D=1; E=5; F=0

____________________________________

0-15 points – Nice Girl University: A grad of this school will have a nice job as a schoolteacher or a social worker. She’ll have a #33 nice guy husband and a nice ring, the small size of which won’t matter because that’s not what’s important. Beauty is on the inside! A place where there’s Friday night poetry readings is a place where betchiness goes to die.

15-35 points – Wild Card University: You could be betchy in this school but you could also not be. (who would’ve thought?) You may be a betch but name dropping your school isn’t helping your betchy image.

35+ points – School of Betch: A nice guy would last 2 seconds at your school. Your school is filled with so many douchebags and betches that you can’t turn around without seeing a lax pinnie or a keg stand. The only ‘political’ protests that students rally for is the petition against the bar on College Ave closing down.

If you’re gonna complain about your results we never claimed to be unbiased or know everyone at every fucking school, although we’re sure they know us. Send your emails calling us out to iloveme.confessions@gmail.com and the funniest/best/betchiest submission(s) will be published.

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