Tag Archives: #abroad

Betches and Bud: It’s Complicated

8 Mar

Throughout our time on earth as betches, we’ve come to understand that a common but offensive criticism about our kind is that we all tend to act the same. Actually, those people should shut the fuck up and go back to the library. We’re all fucking unique. See, Jamie wears a black leather jacket, and mine is camel. So what if we got it at the same market in Florence! But since betches love to get wasted, an important aspect in which we’re different is how we react to marijuana. We decided to break down the betch by their varied relationships with smoking weed.

The Stoner Betch: This betch is the one who MUST be high for any and all activities. When you suggest going to see Hotel Rwanda without smoking first she will look at you like you just suggested going to the gym without sneakers. She probably started hot boxing her mom’s Mercedes in 11th grade, has been high at multiple family functions, and is closer to her dealer in the projects than he is with his own mother. The Stoner Betch will smoke before every meal and will claim she “isn’t hungry unless she smokes first.” She thinks this enables her to stick to her #5 diet, but she’s completely fooling herself because she’s high all the time.

The Stoner has her own piece, usually a bong or a bubbler. Bowls are so 9th grade. It also goes without saying that she knows how to roll her own blunt and joint and she’s “seriously considered selling pot,” if only because she smokes more weed than her entire apartment complex combined and is sick of going to her dealer. This may be followed by a week-long attempt at dealing before she realizes she owes herself a lot of money.

For the Stoner Betch, smoking weed alone is a normal occurrence. Not smoking weed all day is an abnormal occurrence. Everyone was impressed when she immediately called out James Franco for being high while hosting the Oscars.

Girls just wanna have fun

The Non-Stoner Betch: This betch is usually a total alcoholic. She’s often the one who has had one or two bad experiences with weed. (For example: After taking her first hit ever in the freshman dorms on 4/20, she thought she was dying and freaked out on the Stoner Betch. “I NEED TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL! I’M CALLING THE RA! YOU’RE A BAD FRIEND, STONER BETCH!!”) Ever since, she does not smoke weed at all or maybe on rare occasions. The Non-Stoner/Alcoholic Betch can drink anyone under the table and will actively promote blacking out every night. Even though she doesn’t smoke and may even obtain a contact high from hanging out with the Stoner Betches, she’s still chill so she’s not known as a fucking narc.

On the rare occasion that this betch does take a maximum of two hits (probably by accident while she’s blackout), it will probably result in her sitting up in her bed all night bugging out because she “hears voices downstairs.” Even though she can’t handle her marijuana, this betch is still the shit. So, when you ask her if she smokes and she says no, the proper response to her would be “you’d be a lot cooler if you did.”

The Sometimes Smoker Betch: This is the betch who lies somewhere between the Stoner and Non-Stoner Betch (who would’ve guessed?). On the occasions that she’s down to blaze, she will approach the Stoner Betch with a proposition, “let’s smoke tonight!” The Stoner Betch will get SOOO excited. The Sometimes Smoker will probably not be smoking unless it’s her nighttime activity because she’ll claim that if she smokes during the day, she just “won’t have the energy to go out. I’ll need to take a nap!” At this much anticipated smoke sesh, she’ll get high from about five hits, which will make the Stoner Betch extremely envious. “Shit, if I got high as easily as you, I’d gain an hour a day from not constantly needing to pack my bong…”

127 hours without pot? WILD.

The Sometimes Smoker will usually react to weed in one of two ways. The first possibility is that she will get uncontrollable giggles and munchies. When she momentarily stops laughing, she’ll start snacking and continue for the next 40-60 minutes. She will then go to bed and claim that she needs to spend the whole day at the gym tomorrow. The alternative reaction is that she’ll be completely silent… but still have the munchies. After she smokes she will not say one word. She will melt into the couch with her eyes glazed over, and when prompted with the question, “yo how are you doing? You’re mad quiet,” she’ll reply, “I’m just really, reallyyyy high.” This will be the end of her speaking for the night. We’ve alllll smoked with this character.

So you see, betches interact with weed differently. It isn’t for everyone. But for the Stoner Betch, you really need to get to Amsterdam stat. That place will open up your eyes to a whole new meaning of getting high. If you’re smart and #3 studying abroad, you’ll go to The Bushdocter Café, where you’ll find the writers of this blog have signed their names on the wall upstairs. You’ll also find the best weed cakes in the city. Trust us, we tried several.

Remember betches, always be safe, why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly?

20. Clubbing

7 Mar

Thanksgiving Eve, New Year’s Eve, Memorial Day weekend, Tuesday. What do these have in common, besides being the days your grandma calls you? “No grandma, I’m not seeing anyone special”…Well, other than that “special guy” from down the hall who I fucked in the laundry room last weekend. No, these days are important because every betch knows that her presence at a nightclub is mandatory.

While betches are happy basically anywhere they can get drunk, clubs are especially near and dear to our hearts. Ever since that first dance floor hookup when we were just little Betches-in-Training going to teen clubs, we haven’t been able to spend enough time in these raging temples of house music, drugs, and debauchery. So what’s so great about clubs?

Absolutely nothing. For the “of age” betch, nothing is more infuriating than the wrath of underlings trying to squeeze their skinny asses into a seat at your friend’s table. Maybe the fun lies in getting to see every fucking kid you’ve ever met at Lauren and Brittany’s Birthday Bash!!! Finding out you actually have zero degrees of separation with a stranger is pretty exciting for about half a second before you immediately stop caring.

You're a doorman. DOORMAN.

So why do we keep going back for more? Simple answer. Exclusivity. While the crowd can sometimes be an annoyance, you realize that people you know are generally the fucking shit, so they would be at the same place as you. The mere thought of those less cool people clawing at the bouncer to show him their IDs makes our automatic entrance that much more special.

A classic comment overheard on the line at the door usually sounds something like… But it’s my friend Adam’s 21st birthday and he has a table! He just BBMed me and told me I’m on the list!

Dream on fatty, everyone knows a purple BBM ain’t worth shit.

Honestly, what’s NOT to love about an establishment that screens its entrants so the ugly girls can’t come in and guys are only welcome if they buy tables and multiple bottles that you get to drink?

And then there’s always that one betch in your bestie group who, for whatever reason, does not get in. Maybe she started shit with the bouncer, who really knows? That sucks, but it’s not your fucking problem. Sorry, but everyone knows that once you get to the bouncer it’s every betch for herself. Meet you at the bar around the corner in 45 minutes!! …and 3 hours.

Good for you if you know where this is.

If you’re cool enough to make it past the front door, it’s time for the next challenge. BATHROOMS. The whole “you can’t have two people in the same stall” shit reallyyyy fucks with our sharing practices. We all know sharing isn’t betchy, but on club nights we make special arrangements, so please, dear bathroom attendant, just let me do my fucking thing. I’ll tip you five dollars over minimum wage!

As a betch, you’ll likely know at least two club promoters in whatever city you’re in who will constantly text you, pleading with you to come to the latest openings. Often these promoters are just bros from high school who are trying to avoid getting a real summer job. But who’s keeping track anyway!? He’s promising you a night of free alcohol, possibly even dinner, along with the chance to meet hot guys and celebrities and dance the night away with your hottest besties! Those bros who bought a table will probably feel pretty cool since they’re hanging out with betches, but just remember that they’re basically paying $2,000 for this table just to have an excuse to talk to you. You thought your Balenciaga was an investment, this bro gets to spend almost 20 minutes with you!

A betch will tell you that the best clubs are in New York City or LA, followed by whatever city she #3 studied abroad in. In reality though, it’s not about the city you’re in, because just about every major city has sick clubs. The point is that the betch will always be found at the absolute hottest, most exclusive spot around. When you’re stuck behind that velvet rope, the party won’t be the only thing you’re missing that night.

Even though we’re die hard club-goers, we realize that the experience can sometimes fucking suck. But no matter how much we might shit on them, we love clubs, we are clubs, and clubs would be nothing without betches to fall dance all over their tables and couches. So, if you’re looking for one of us, we’ll probably be grinding the night away at the trendiest club of the moment, crossing our fingers that the Wall Street Bro getting us drunk was just joking about still living with his parents.

12. Tailgates

26 Feb

Out of respect for the fact that it’s Saturday, generally considered the best day of the week, we’d like to address one of the best ways to get blackout: TAILGATES!! Even though college football season is done, Saturdays in the fall are key to having a social life.

If you’re not willing to wake up at 7am to drink yourself stupid, you are committing social suicide. A true betch is ready to drink at any time of day, even if it means setting your Blackberry alarm for 7:05 after getting home at 5am.

Let’s go over how to properly tailgate while being the betch of the party:

Proper attire is essential. At big party schools in the north, predominately in the BIG 10, it’s all about rocking the school colors. A true betch will have a new shirt and accessories at every game, including necklaces, temporary tattoos, knee-high socks, sunglasses, and face paint. We mean EVERY Saturday, so arrange to bursar some shit at the school store and tell your parents you needed new textbooks.

For our big party schools in the south, tailgating is a little different. Here, it’s considered a serious offense to be caught not wearing your nicest frock. Southern kids look at these events as if they’re social galas straight out of the plantation era.

No matter where you’re tailgating, pre-tailgate rituals are basically universal. The bitch-betch must be the one to get the bagels and cream cheese, Starbucks, and chasers. I know what you’re thinking, betches don’t eat bagels! But eating a bagel, scooped out of course, is necessary or you will make a fool of yourself. Eat quickly, or share half your bagel with the garbage, and get to ripping shots as soon as possible. It’s considered poor form to show up sober at the actual pregame, so 5-7 shots at the PRE-pregame is customary. Oh, and be sure to bring the rest of the bottle with you to the real pregame. Betches are always prepared for emergencies.

Next you go meet up with the majority of your crew for the actual pregame at your bros’ house. At this point it’s around 9am. The game doesn’t start till 12. Yay, plenty of time to drink! Music is blasting, 85 kids are on the front lawn, the smell of marijuana and cigarettes fills the air, the funnel is getting passed around like that freshman who’s fucked all your guy friends, and everyone is getting absolutely belligerent. Soon you’re at the point of no return and you know it’s time to walk to the tailgating fields to start the real party.

The tailgate: Picture a scene with thousands of people and rows of cars that goes for miles. As you walk to where your bros have set up shop, a cop on his bike offers to open your beer for you. Your bros’ tailgate area consists of a tent with speakers and a grill, a keg, and the finest Karkov vodka for betches who won’t go near beer. It’s almost 10:30am at this point and you are really really really… I mean REALLY drunk. So you continue drinking. The grill is going, and this is when you shadily start your drunk munchies.

At 11:45 the tailgating fields start to empty out and it’s time to go to the game. But here’s the thing, when you go to a giant party school with a shitty football team, you’re not actually going. Besides, you can barely walk. This is when a true betch shines. You spot a Jimmy John’s delivery guy. A ride AND a sandwich? This is my golden fucking ticket. You walk up to him and shake your shit a little, and soon he offers to drive you home. Mmmm… I loveee the Beach Club.

Oh no, maybe they won't be delivering!

You get home but you’re stopped by that delicious smell coming from the pizza place next door (if you’re lucky and from Wisco, it’ll be covered in mac and cheese. YESSSSS). Okay betches. I know that we all want to be #5 skinny, but that is for during the week. You need to soak up that alcohol somehow. You get to your apartment and turn the game on. This is sooooo much better in HD!! You sit on your coach, roll your best betch blunt, and spark that shit up. Great fucking day.

Before you know it, you open your eyes and realize it’s 8:30pm and you’re still on that couch. You have 8 missed calls and 7 BBMs. You feel really shitty but it doesn’t fucking matter because you’re going out anyway.

A true betch will make it out for Saturday night and will black out harder then she did that day. This is what college is all about. If you cant handle it, transfer. I recommend for you Betches-in-Training, pick a big party school that tailgates on Saturdays. If you’re lucky, your high school betches that go to rival schools will come tailgate when you play each other, and if it’s a big enough game (or tailgate), your Ivy League betches will come and help with calculating your BAC. You get to spend the weekend with your best home, abroad, camp, teen tour, summer program betches, forcing vodka and beer down each others’ throats.

Listen, tailgates are the only exception for drinking beer. Choose your calories wisely during the week because when it’s tailgating time…anything goes, along with your dignity.

3. Studying Abroad

16 Feb

Naturally, there’s nothing a betch loves more than a four month vacation that’s fully funded by their parents under the guise of being “culturally immersed”… also known as partying in the best clubs in every city across Europe!! Here’s the truth from some real live abroad betches. Ugh, I miss ittttt!!

The itinerary whilst abroad consists of attending classes maybe three days a week, buying chic European clothes, and testing out the weed in various cities. A typical day means being drunk by 2pm after waking up at noon. A betch’s biggest issue is usually something along the lines of how to squeeze in nap time between visiting Anne Frank’s House and getting high. But how will we buy drugs if the dealers don’t speak English!? Don’t worry, a little known secret is that everyone speaks English! …Well, at least anyone you’ll ever want to talk to. You thought you were going to become fluent in Italian? Think again! Experiencing cultural diversity was having someone from TCU in your Tuscan wine tasting class.

Betches who don't have their last name on a building at their college can write their names here

While traveling abroad, you’ll know when you’ve met another betch (most likely they’ll be staying with your best betch from high school’s best betch from college), and they’ll love to give you the scoop on the city they’re living in…

You know, in Barcelona, they put ham in like, everything, but sometimes, they like, don’t put ham in things. It’s weird, you know…

Don’t worry, the worst part about Italy is the Italians!

You know you’re Facebook friends with an abroad betch when her profile pictures consist of her skydiving in Interlaken, chugging beers at Oktoberfest (So many calories! Oh my God! Try to steer clear of the Germans! Side note: Germans are really mean, but sometimes they’re like, not really mean), and making peace signs by the Lennon Wall in Prague (Oh my God! Eastern Europe! So sketch!).

If you have more than one friend from abroad who actually lives in the city you studied in, you are not a betch (your former drug dealers don’t count). And if you don’t know who Massimo is, you are DEF not a betch. Love ya!!

2. Not Keeping Up With The News

16 Feb

“Hey, in some parts of the universe, maybe not in contempo casual, but in some parts it’s considered cool to know what’s going on in the world.” – Josh from Clueless

Even though we loooove Clueless and totally think Josh is adorable, betches don’t live in that part of the universe. In betch world, lack of knowledge about what’s going on in the rest of the world allows us to remain in a cloud of ignorant betch bliss. But that’s not to say we don’t appreciate world tragedies! When our dad or some loser tells us about a national fiasco or natural disaster, we listen sympathetically and contribute our own two cents, adding that Kendra is moving back to L.A. and The Biebs’ Never Say Never got rave reviews. We definitely take advantage of these situations to get ideas for creative Halloween costumes, or maybe drop into conversation at a job interview. Last year everyone thought it was hysterical when we dressed up as Chilean miners, and that was only like, 10 days after they got rescued!

This is who we keep up with. Sorry, not sorry.

It’s not that we don’t care about the world. It’s just that it’s so boring and who has time to worry about the situation in Egypt when Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds are getting a divorce!!!! Oh my gahhhh!!!

See, we do know what’s going on in the world. This is because we get almost all of our information from a few of our fave news sources: Perez Hilton, TMZ, People Magazine and USWeekly, and E! News. We may not be like, all over the Wall Street Diary, but we’re not toooootally oblivious. Like for example, we were perfectly aware when the volcanic eruption in Europe interfered with our trip to Paris while we were #3 abroad, and we knew exactly how to book our flights around that ash cloud. What was that volcano called again? Whatever, thanks weather.com!

Living in a world without news actually makes us way more tolerant and accepting than those who are so-called “well-read.” Some people have long and deep-seeded hatred for others based on centuries of political turmoil and cultural distrust, but when my brother asked me if my Israeli and Iranian besties ever quarrel about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, it was so great to tell him that the only thing they ever fight about was who got a better tan! See, it’s easy to coexist when you don’t know what the fuck is going on. And they say that the person who cares the least has the most power, right?

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