Tag Archives: #ano

Betch of the Week: Bethenny Frankel

4 Mar

Every betch’s favorite housewife is Bethenny Frankel. Not only was she on the classiest Housewives installment (besides Beverly Hills of course), but since she’s the ultimate betch, some brilliant producers decided to give her a reality spinoff. Betches love Bethenny because she says and does whatever the fuck she wants. It’s not called #1 talking shit when you say it to someone’s face…

Besides her involvement in the Housewives of New York City her claim to fame is as a “natural food chef.” What the hell does that mean? It means she’s in great demand to cook for ano betches! But what do ano betches eat? That’s right, nothing! Her entire empire is built on a betch’s favorite pastime, #5 dieting. Hence the reason why she also sells diet alcohol and makes serious bills doing it. I mean, selling your Skinny Girl Margs while SEVEN months pregnant!? That’s a true business betch. Although working hard is not something a betch is accustomed to, if your job is pimping out margaritas to women under 100 pounds, I’m pretty sure you’re not really working.

Betch looks hot.

Three weeks after giving birth to baby Bryn she posed in a size 4 bikini for US Weekly. She clearly knows it’s never okay to look fat, just when you thought pregnancy was the last legitimate excuse. Really. Tell us your secret… Oh wait you wrote three books about that… Perfect.

Now onto that husband of hers. JASON. Wow, he knows how to tame a betch. After three failed engagements, J managed to get a very knocked up B down the aisle. He has a betch’s favorite qualities like money and a huge penis, and he must be living off Xanax because he happily manages to put up with Bethenny’s 24/7 nonstop shit storm of bitching. Also, Jason is a total rando. Leave it to Bethenny to find NYC’s last hot single un-bro-y bro.

He even puts up with it when she bitches out her in-laws! A betch’s ultimate worst enemies are clearly her in-laws, especially the mother. Jason’s overbearing, Pennsylvania hick town parents do NOT do it for Bethenny and she is not afraid to let the world know. For those betches out there who are concerned that they’re TOO betchy to ever catch a husband, don’t worry, just follow Bethenny’s lead.

Bethenny’s outspoken personality and total betch attitude make her our favorite housewife and our Betch of the Week. We envy her amazing body and overall lifestyle. Who wouldn’t want to spend summers in the Hamptons Montauk (yeah… less of a scene, we know), be featured in magazines, and attend amazing events? She’s just the shit, and we can’t wait to see what’s next for our Betch of the Week Bethenny Frankel.

8. Not Having Sex With Bros (sometimes)

22 Feb

It’s 2am and you’re hanging outside the bar thinking of ways to distract yourself from eating while on your #5 diet, even though the pizza place is across the street and you’re just below blackout. Then you see him standing across the street: the self-proclaimed “bro.”

The bro’s goal for the night is to fuck the hottest betch around, who, let’s face it, is you (thanks for the heads up Bros Like This Site!!). He motions for you to come over. As a true betch you’re not going for that shit, and you scream that if he wants to talk to you he can cross the fucking street.

He obviously does.

The two of you start talking when he mentions that he has weed. OMG, yes, I love blunts!!! The thought entices you enough to go back to his place, smoke and watch Knocked Up. Ahhh Paul Rudd!!! Love him too!! In addition, this is a great way to avoid #5 eating, at least for an hour. In your drunken state, it’s the perfect activity.

You go back, smoke a little weed, and this bro obviously starts to make out with you. You’re almost drunk/high enough and are considering having sex with him. At least it’ll be a workout!

Then you snap out of it and realize who you are. You’re a betch, and it will take more than a blunt and a ride in his BMW to conquer this shit. As a betch you realize that while bros rule the world (yeah, betches are secure enough in their awesomeness to admit it, who do you think you’re marrying anyway?), betches have the power to not have sex with them. Even their daddy’s money can’t get you to put out. As he tries to put his hand down your pants you yawn and say that you’ve got a super early group meeting and you’re so sorry and thanks for the blunt and you have to go. As if I’d ever go to any group meeting before noon. Bye.

See, the difference between your average slut and a betch is that a betch doesn’t just use her hotness to get laid, she uses it to manipulate the bros who think they’re in charge. Hellloooo just look at history! Anne Boleyn got her betchy ass to be Queen of England simply by not putting out to the ultimate asshole bro, Henry VIII.

This is not to say betches don’t love having sex, but unlike bros, our vaginas aren’t attached to our brains. Except sometimes if you had too many shots, and were so drunk that you actually had that beer to put you over, you might end up fucking him anyway… in that case it’s always fun to do a prank call with your betches a few weeks later telling him you’re knocked up and are gonna need about 18 years of child support.

6. Mobile Uploads

22 Feb

Because betches are the most important people around, it’s their duty to keep all their besties and betch followers updated on their every move. Naturally, this is accomplished through a constant stream of BBM status updates, tweets, and Facebook statuses. But for a true betch, nothing matches the statement made with their favorite form of update: the mobile upload (often referred to by its common abbreviation, “mupload”).

Since a basic requirement for being a betch is owning a Blackberry (iPhones are soooo manly. What’s that Android thing again?) the camera feature has become a huge part of The Betch Life. Whenever a betch goes out on the town, it’s absolutely critical that everyone she knows is aware of exactly what she’s doing and with whom. Since a real betch is too cool to spend time taking boring pics with a camera and uploading albums with 60 pics of 5-10 girls smiling with their hands on their hips so they look #5 skinny, her muploads show that she’s super busy and super popular and “omg so funny!!” A mupload screams “I’m too cool for Facebook albums but my life is just too fabulous to not share this pic of my best betch vomming in her own bag!”

OMG, Ally stole some bro’s hat at the bar!? That’s soooo funny!! Mupload that! …But wait, what should I caption it!?

After fewer than five minutes, the photo will already be on Facebook, captioned “Cool hat Al!” (good one, right!?) Now all of this betch’s Facebook friends aka followers, who are clearly hugeeee losers since they’re sitting at home on Facebook instead of going out and RAGINGGGGG, can live vicariously and have sooo much fun too!! YAYYY!!

One might argue that some betches actually only engage in activities based on opportunities for muploads. For those of you who live this way, don’t worry, we get you, but it’s time to get a life.

5. Diets

21 Feb

When betches are sitting around doing what they do best, #1 talking shit, one of their favorite things to do is point out the recent weight fluctuations of other betches. Jamie’s face looks totally bloated lately, she should really be holding the dressing on that salad! Sucks for her! OMG, all that food Brittany ate when she went #3 abroad went straight to her thighs! Yuck!

While a betch will not eat for days because “nothing tastes as good as thin feels,” it’s hard to conjure up that inspirational picture of yourself when you had mono in 11th grade, if you’re blackout drunk and Domino’s is on the way (get the door!!). Do the calories count if I don’t remember!? Nahh!

Sometimes a betch will achieve the holy grail of betchdom, and actually lose a few pounds and look better. (Side note: no matter how skinny a betch is, she will always claim to be on a diet. The marginal 1% of betches, the fat ones, are kept around to make the others feel good about themselves, and to eat their leftovers to dispel the eating disorder rumors). Most of the time, a betch’s weight loss will be met with resentment from her “besties,” who will comment that she looks “too thin, flat chested, and no guys like her anyway.” This is most likely to be the situation if a betch’s weight loss actually resulted in her becoming the SKINNIEST BETCH IN THE FRIEND GROUP!! This would be considered unacceptable and will increase the time spent #1 talking shit about her behind her back.

So exactly how skinny does a betch desire to be? This would be a good time to mention some of the most influential betch idols when it comes to size:

OMG Steph looks so ano! Jeal.

1. Gisele Bundchen
2. Mary-Kate Olsen
3. Natalie Portman
4. Adriana Lima
5. Victoria Beckham
6. Blake Lively
7. Angelina Jolie

(Vomit break)

Anyway, how does one achieve skinny betch status? Obviously, we go on a DIIIIET!!!

When a betch declares to her friends that she’s “going on a serious diet” (usually she’s “going ano…but really”), it’s never a diet any doctor would approve and her goal weight is always about 20 pounds under the  “underweight” categorization of the BMI chart. South Beach and Weight Watchers are wayyyyyy too hard and just don’t work with our drinking habits, no offense to science and all.

Here are some of the worst-kept diet secrets, so prolific that we don’t even know what brilliant betch deserves credit for them. So try out some of these tips, and just remember, food looks wayyyyy better on the plate than it will on your ass!!!

The True Ano Diet: Generally the most popular of the betch diets, it involves eating nothing for as long as humanly possible. When you’re about to pass out have a sushi naruto roll and a bottle of water. If the eating part of this sounds unappealing, just pop an Adderall and you’ll forget that cheese fries even exist. Avoid binge eating while drinking. This diet doesn’t require exercise and helps a betch get drunk faster, thus avoiding calories from additional shotssssss (no beer, ever). Typical foods include salads (dressing on the side, duh), grilled chicken or shrimp, diet coke and iced coffee, carrot and celery sticks, 100 calorie packs (only one per day, two if you’re starrrrrving). After all, “eating disorder” is just another way of saying “effective dieting.” (Thanks BrosLikeThisSite!!! Betches love you!!!)

The One Meal A Day Diet: Similar to the True Ano Diet, except a betch will usually have one large meal consisting of anything she wants, thus she is eating her entire day of calories in one sitting; more effective if combined with exercise, especially since the one large feast will provide the energy to run for a few minutes at least. This method is easily executed if a betch can keep occupied with school work (Adderall to suppress the appetite!), exercising, napping, and going out (still no beer allowed!!!!).

The Cabbage Soup Diet: Eat only cabbage soup, day and night; most common in preparation for a big event like a fraternity formal, or vacation involving bikinis; difficult to maintain over a long period of time.

The Exercise All The Time Diet:
go to the gym for hours at a time and hit every machine possible, in addition to exercise classes like hot yoga and Soul Cycle (ugh, love Soul Cycle). Try not to overeat, but eat enough to be able to maintain a full day of exercise. This is not the diet plan for the lazy betches out there. Try to be compulsive enough to get right under that level where other betches will sit you down for an intervention (jealous betches!). Some people might call this exercise bulimia. We don’t care about them.

The FroYo Diet: Eat fro-yo in place of at least two meals a day; most effective with fat free frozen yogurt; use toppings sparingly (unless you like sprinkles, since sprinkles are so small, they’re like basicallyyy no calories!) .

The Drinking Only Diet: After sipping on wine all day, pound shots hard and fast. Then take a Xanax and pass the fuck out before your body realizes it hasn’t eaten in 12 hours.

Any one of these fail-safe, betch-proof diets is SURE to get you to the weight you wanna be, so just try it and we PROMISE you’ll see the results!!!

1. Talking Shit

16 Feb

There’s nothing a true betch loves more than talking shit. Be this talking shit about other girls, guys, their best friends, celebrities, professors, poor people… if you have a flaw we will find it and talk shit about it. While the nice girl in the room may urge you, “Stop! These are real people we’re talking about!” betches know the truth. If you’re not cute, funny, or rich, you’re not a real person.

So what kind of settings do betches love to talk shit in? Let’s see… umm… ANYWHERE. Betches talk shit while sitting around at home on their couches (usually in groups of 5 or 6), in the corner at the bar, over drinks at dinner, while browsing Facebook, or via BBM while in the presence of the person they’re talking shit about. In this case, the saying goes, “if you have nothing mean to say, don’t say anything at all.” That’s a betch’s motto.

Betches can turn any situation into an excuse to talk shit, no matter how positive it may seem. Becky lost a lot of weight? Look how ano and concave her stomach is! Gross! Anna got a job at Goldman Sachs? How many guys did she have to blow to do that? Whatever, bitch is ugly.

The more obvious it is that you’re talking shit, the more fun. For instance, I’m sitting next to Jen while BBMing Melissa that her hair looks greasy. While some may say this makes us catty and unsuitable for conversation, we like to call it “keeping it real.” Except for the fact that no one really knows when people are talking about them. Therefore, you should just assume that some betch, somewhere, is talking shit about you. Like a great betch once said, it’s better to be talked shit about than not talked about at all.

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