Tag Archives: #betch haters

14. Going on Dates

28 Feb

A lot of scary things happen when a betch goes out and isn’t drunk enough. Usually she’ll be like, really bored and chilling with her best friend, her Blackberry, which is okay because she’s sober enough to avoid sending embarrassing BBMs. But on some rare occasions, she’s actually socializing with people she may not know in a somewhat coherent way. There’s a first time for everything…

As is typical when a betch goes out, some guy will ask for her number. Surprisingly, you receive a text the next day at 2pm rather than 2am so you know something is up. He wants to take you on a date or “go for drinks.” Naturally, he texts you rather than calls to avoid the possibility that you and your besties have already nicknamed him “lanky button down man,” and that he will be laughed right off the phone. Also, he’s naturally intimidated by your blatantly oozing vibe that you are better than him.

Betches love dates because it gives them a chance to get dressed up and provides hours of opportunities just to talk about themselves. Also, free dinner! While a nice girl would be anxious about a first date, you’re not because you’re a betch and you don’t give a shit.

Many times, these dates occur over winter break or during the summer since everyone at college knows your entire sexual history and thus is unlikely to want to discuss it over dinner with you. This is great if you’ve been bad about #8 not fucking bros lately. But every betch knows the cardinal rule: never put out on a first date.

A first date usually winds up like this. You get there first. This is essential because it means you can sit at the bar and flirt with some other guy, knowing your date will see this when he arrives. All betches know that jealousy is a powerful emotion. He gets there, and things are rather awkward at first. You order a salad and a vodka soda. Forty-five minutes and four vodka sodas later things are looking up. This guy has gotten a lot hotter and you’re impressed by his hysterical stories from when he was #3 abroad in Rome. You bond over how overrated the Sistine Chapel was. After this he picks up the check (Side note: if he fucking doesn’t, you immediately #9 nickname him “Po’ Boy” and delete him from your phone), and he tells you he’d love to see you next weekend. Why wouldn’t he? You’d date yourself if you could!

Scenario C: The guy is so boring that you pass the fuck out.

Alternate endings:

Scenario A: If after five drinks you realize he’s not that attractive, and you can’t stop focusing on the disproportionate size of his ears, or if he uses nauseating terms of endearment like “beautiful” (a betch knows how hot she is, you don’t need to keep telling her), you tell him it was really nice to meet him and give him a kiss on the cheek, and head out to meet your betches at a club. It’s always best to accept a date with a backup plan for later.

Scenario B: If however, he’s kind of an asshole (read: Bro) and gives off the vibe that he might not call you back, you immediately make moves to prolong the date. As he walks you to a cab, you play coy but accept his invitation to go to another bar or chill at his apartment. This is usually followed by a lengthy makeout sesh, after which you get home and await his call 1-3 days later. The more unsure you are of his impending call, the hotter he gets and the more you build up a relationship in your head, envisioning drama and hot makeup sex.

All in all, when you get asked out on a date, it’s poor etiquette to say no. Assuming the guy isn’t heinous, you should say yes because betches are really good people at heart, and we wouldn’t want to deprive someone else of getting acquainted with the best person we know.

13. Sunday Morning Regrets

27 Feb

Though betches have few feelings, we sometimes have regrets. These are usually reserved for one day. Sunday. In the spirit of the second worst day of the week, here a list of a betch’s typical Sunday regrets.

Walk of Shame: During those occasions when a betch blacks out and #8 sometimes fucks a bro, and it’s not in the comfort of her own bed (side note: this often happens because betches are forced to wind up at his place where the prepaid drugs are), she has to endure the walk of shame. After realizing she’s not at home, a betch will first contemplate if this is a rare occasion when last night’s outfit was casual enough to pick up some iced coffee on the way home without having some businessman think she’s a hooker and solicit her for sex. Since your apartment is about a 90 second walk from this bro’s, you decide to take the hike.

When Lionel Ritchie wrote Easy Like Sunday Morning, it’s hard to imagine that he was thinking of anything other than watching a betch take her morning walk of shame.

While making a mental list of everyone this bro knows and is likely to tell that you fucked him, you head out the door. That’s when you see the nice girl from your biology class with her backpack, clearly headed to the library. You could duck and hide behind a street sign but you’re a betch so you have no shame. You’d rather walk through your college town with enough eyeliner down your face that you look like a member of fucking KISS than let this betch-hater think you have something to hide. She is clearly a fucking loser since she’s on the way to the library, and hey, you got laid last night while she was reading Jodi Picoult! Walk tall betch… after all, your pumps make you look almost 6 feet.

Sex without a Condom: Shit, have to get Plan B.

Sex with the guy in your Monday morning class: Shit, have to ask him for money for Plan B… along with his class notes from last week.

Drunk eating: It’s funny that I can spend all week eating lettuce without dressing, but after three shots of tequila I find myself ordering 28 boneless wings with extra bleu cheese and an order of fried cheesecake.

Blackout BBMs: Similar to drunk eating, blackout BBMs matter, even though you don’t remember sending them. But unlike drunk eating, BBMs are permanently out there to be read aloud to any audience, even if you deleted them from your own phone. No amount of working out on the elliptical will eliminate them from cyber space. They definitely provide excellent Sunday morning stories, but usually at a serious cost.

Sometimes it’s just sending one really embarrassing BBM:

Me: I’m DTF.

Sometimes it’s BBMing the wrong person the wrong thing: To the guy you fucked with the small penis…

Me: I couldn’t even feel John’s penis when he fucked me
John: What?
Me: Shit sorry, wrong BBM, different John

(Side note: Is that any better?)

Consistently BBMing the same person who’s not responding:

Me: Hey, what’s up?
Me: Come over
Me: Where are you? I’m at my apartment
Me: Are you not coming?
Me: Fine, don’t come over
Me: I’m naked
Me: You’re either coming over or you’re not.
Me: Fine, I’m over it
Me: Over it dot com
Me: Seriously, where are you?

And of course, there’s always the general drunk fuck up, such as when your best betch from high school visits and vomits in your shoes, and you wake up the next morning to find them in the dishwasher.

Sunday morning regrets, although traumatizing, leave a far funnier legacy than the sting of the embarrassment. Better to have drank and fucked up than not to have drank at all!

9. Nicknames

23 Feb

How many betches can say that they call their besties by their real names? The answer is like, NONE! Why? Because names like Sara and Jane are fucking boring, and a betch is always looking for ways to ease her boredom. For all of you nice girls and betch-haters, this might make it difficult to follow along in a conversation with us. For example…

Betch 1: So like, can you believe SW hooked up with AW!?

Betch 2: I thought he was hooking up with that girl… fuck! What’s her name? She kind of looks like a smurf… whatever, smurf girl?

Betch 3: Ugh, who the fuck cares? Today I saw JM wearing these like, bigggg framed trendyyy glasses. She totes can’t pull those off. Quel dommage!

But nicknames are not only restricted for talking about other betches. Betches find nicknames most useful when talking about betch-haters, bros, bros they hate, bros they fucked (or #8 didn’t fuck), etc. The best part about nicknames is that you can basically # 1 talk shit about someone when they’re standing right next to you, as long as their nickname isn’t so completely obvious.

Why are nicknames such an important part of The Betch Life? I mean, think about it, we all do it. There’s just nothing we find as funny as naming a girl who’s fro resembles an unkempt vagina, “Bush,” as we like to call her. Come on, we all know that girl.

What about that freshman slut named Jen who’s already so fake-baked and done so many drugs that she looks like she’s aging backwards? Hello Jenjamin Button!!! The nicknames betches come up with not only give us a giggle whenever we mention them, but they allow other betches to see our creativity and allow us to talk shit even without any real news to talk shit about.

OMG look, it's Jenjamin!

When it comes to guys, nicknames tend to be less derived from their appearance and are more typically based on experiences with them. That guy who fingered your best betch on the dance floor at Valentine’s Day formal last weekend? We think his name is Eric, but we call him FINGER BOY!!! Hahahaha SOOOO funny!!!!

Oh, and the guy you hooked up with who had the unusually small penis? Sorry boys, but you’re now known among our betch circle as “baby dick.”

That guy you text when your main bro is out of town or not responding to your blackout BBMs? He might as well be plugged into your phone as “Plan B.” Sometimes it’s just so hard to keep track of all the people we know!

Another common type of nickname, most often used by younger betches (Betches-in-Training), is the friend group nickname. How many betches are in your crew? Seven? OMG I loveeee The Seven!!! While this is considered betchy and cool in middle school, it’s more of a nice girl betch-hater thing to do as you get older. So if you do this past 12th grade, you should probably take it off your AIM profile.

If you’re cool enough to be talked about or lame enough that you just can’t look away, you probably have a nickname. Just watch out because it only takes one fashion faux pas or premature ejaculation to be permanently branded by a betch.

7. Token Crazy Friend

22 Feb

Although betches all have certain things in common, there are some betches that stand out and are different than the others. Every friend group can and should have one of these people. She is the token Bat Shit Crazy Betch. In addition to providing entertainment, the BSCB serves to make the rest of us feel like we are normal. She is defined by her superior abilities to #1 talk shit, she has really funny stories, and make us seem nice to guys, at least in comparison to the BSCB. The BSCB persona can take many forms, but typically possesses the following qualities:

BSCB will never go to rehab, no no no

Compulsive Need to Rage: While all betches are almost always down to rage, the BSCB gives this an entire new meaning. She’s usually the betch that lost her virginity in 7th grade, regularly pounds shots at 10am while everyone else is taking turns vomming from their hangovers (or breakfast, whatever), and did lines behind her laptop in freshman year econ. This betch is your favorite betch to party with, has fucked upwards of 40 bros, and generally serves to make other betches feel like their insane habits are normal.

Psycho Breakdowns/Tantrums: Another type of BSCB most likely has some sort of real and diagnosable but untreated psychiatric disorder, be this OCD/ADD/manic depression/anxiety/ is generally fucking nuts. She may appear normal most of the time… until she starts sporadically crying in the midst of studying at the library, or when Bachelor Brad eliminates the wrong girl.

Sociopathic Tendencies: One of the most dangerous betches is a sociopath/borderline/pure evil. This betch is stealthy and comes off as completely normal, but she has some seriously evil plans for destruction. While most betches are harmless and just generally awesome, the sociopath BSCB allows her boredom and/or insane ambitions to get in the way of living life like the rest of us. Think Regina George or Tracy Flick. Watch out for this betch or she’ll steal your boyfriend, your dignity, and your self-esteem. Make sure you’re either cool enough to ball this betch out, or you better be on her fucking good side.

While the BSCBs all have their flaws, they also serve their purpose. Besides being extremely entertaining, these betches make us feel better about ourselves and are wayyyyy more fun to hang out with than those boring nice girls betch-haters. WE LOVE YOU BSCBs!!!!

1. Talking Shit

16 Feb

There’s nothing a true betch loves more than talking shit. Be this talking shit about other girls, guys, their best friends, celebrities, professors, poor people… if you have a flaw we will find it and talk shit about it. While the nice girl in the room may urge you, “Stop! These are real people we’re talking about!” betches know the truth. If you’re not cute, funny, or rich, you’re not a real person.

So what kind of settings do betches love to talk shit in? Let’s see… umm… ANYWHERE. Betches talk shit while sitting around at home on their couches (usually in groups of 5 or 6), in the corner at the bar, over drinks at dinner, while browsing Facebook, or via BBM while in the presence of the person they’re talking shit about. In this case, the saying goes, “if you have nothing mean to say, don’t say anything at all.” That’s a betch’s motto.

Betches can turn any situation into an excuse to talk shit, no matter how positive it may seem. Becky lost a lot of weight? Look how ano and concave her stomach is! Gross! Anna got a job at Goldman Sachs? How many guys did she have to blow to do that? Whatever, bitch is ugly.

The more obvious it is that you’re talking shit, the more fun. For instance, I’m sitting next to Jen while BBMing Melissa that her hair looks greasy. While some may say this makes us catty and unsuitable for conversation, we like to call it “keeping it real.” Except for the fact that no one really knows when people are talking about them. Therefore, you should just assume that some betch, somewhere, is talking shit about you. Like a great betch once said, it’s better to be talked shit about than not talked about at all.

%d bloggers like this: