Tag Archives: #BieberFever

15. Justin Bieber

1 Mar

You’re sitting there, your face and body are getting all hot and tingly, you start breaking out in a cold sweat, your heart is racing, and you’re trying to fight back the smile spreading across your face, but you can’t. It’s too late, you’ve come down with a case of Bieber Fever and there’s nothing from #10 Candyland to cure it.

We all have that friend who’s absolutely adored him from day one and has been begging you to see Never Say Never in 3D for months now. You agreed, not because you wanted to see what all the hype was about, but because Betch of the Week Chelsea Handler loves and flirts with him. Maybe you can even do a funny #6 mobile upload with those 3D glasses on, and if not, it’s still a great excuse to smoke weed and see a movie. Whatever.

You soon find yourself sitting in the theater, unable to contain yourself. The second you see the Biebs, you’re brainwashed like Derek Zoolander by fucking Mugatu. Then it comes to the slow motion hair flip. GAME OVER. You’ve lost it and you have full on Bieber Fever.

Dad in the back thinking: SHUT THE FUCK UP BETCHES! I just wanna hear Bieber!

Then you see Biebs singing to that girl on stage during “One Less Lonely Girl.” You find yourself in a jealous rage and you’re screaming in a theater full of tweens and their moms, “BETCH, THAT BOY IS MINE!!!!” …And now your friend who dragged you to the movie is being an even bigger betch because she’s all like, “Uhhh, told ya so. I take all the credit because I discovered him first.” And you’re all like, “whatever, betch.”

Now you go home, purchase every song he’s ever sang and hit up YouTube to watch every interview and video he’s ever made. And now you and all of your friends are posting Bieber-related posts on each other’s Facebooks. Bieber or Die.

What IS it that makes him so cute? That hair. That smile. That voice. He’s such a flirt and a ladies’ man. There should be a new word to describe attraction to Justin Bieber. BACK THE FUCK OFF, SELENA. Is it weird that we’re actually attracted to him? Uhh, no, he’s a heartthrob, so what if it makes you a certified cougar? Okay, so it’s creepy. I don’t care. It’s Justin. Pelvic thrust.

You want to know everything and anything Bieber, but one day, when you’re at the gym because you’re obvi on a #5 diet (Spring Break soon!), you glance at CNN and you almost fall off the treadmill. They’re saying that Bieber cut his hair! Legitimate news sources are calling this breaking news. This is an epidemic. RIP Hair Flip.

Egypt what? Protests in Libya?

The minute you get home you immediately Google his new haircut. Fuck showering. You mourn the Hair Flip for a few minutes, but like… boy still looks good, for real. Then you find out he’s selling his hair for charity (see, he’s soo nice!), and you decide this is where you cross the line and anyone who buys it is certifiable, even though you secretly want to sleep with a lock of his hair under your pillow.

We understand that bros are jealous. They should be. Overheard by a betch last weekend: “Justin Bieber is the only guy who does it for me”…her boyfriend was standing right next to her. For all you haters, just embrace it. It’s only a matter of time until you’re infected.

So, Happy 17th Birthday Justin!! Only 365 days until I can legally seduce you. Unless of course we’re in Canada, where the legal age of consent is 14. Yeah, I Googled it, judge me. I’m gonna go put on my purple American Apparel hoodie, peace.

2. Not Keeping Up With The News

16 Feb

“Hey, in some parts of the universe, maybe not in contempo casual, but in some parts it’s considered cool to know what’s going on in the world.” – Josh from Clueless

Even though we loooove Clueless and totally think Josh is adorable, betches don’t live in that part of the universe. In betch world, lack of knowledge about what’s going on in the rest of the world allows us to remain in a cloud of ignorant betch bliss. But that’s not to say we don’t appreciate world tragedies! When our dad or some loser tells us about a national fiasco or natural disaster, we listen sympathetically and contribute our own two cents, adding that Kendra is moving back to L.A. and The Biebs’ Never Say Never got rave reviews. We definitely take advantage of these situations to get ideas for creative Halloween costumes, or maybe drop into conversation at a job interview. Last year everyone thought it was hysterical when we dressed up as Chilean miners, and that was only like, 10 days after they got rescued!

This is who we keep up with. Sorry, not sorry.

It’s not that we don’t care about the world. It’s just that it’s so boring and who has time to worry about the situation in Egypt when Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds are getting a divorce!!!! Oh my gahhhh!!!

See, we do know what’s going on in the world. This is because we get almost all of our information from a few of our fave news sources: Perez Hilton, TMZ, People Magazine and USWeekly, and E! News. We may not be like, all over the Wall Street Diary, but we’re not toooootally oblivious. Like for example, we were perfectly aware when the volcanic eruption in Europe interfered with our trip to Paris while we were #3 abroad, and we knew exactly how to book our flights around that ash cloud. What was that volcano called again? Whatever, thanks weather.com!

Living in a world without news actually makes us way more tolerant and accepting than those who are so-called “well-read.” Some people have long and deep-seeded hatred for others based on centuries of political turmoil and cultural distrust, but when my brother asked me if my Israeli and Iranian besties ever quarrel about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, it was so great to tell him that the only thing they ever fight about was who got a better tan! See, it’s easy to coexist when you don’t know what the fuck is going on. And they say that the person who cares the least has the most power, right?

%d bloggers like this: