Tag Archives: #birthday

23. The Pregame

14 Mar

Since betches always have a lot of shit going on, we often have to pick and choose which activities we can squeeze into our busy schedules. However, there is one activity that is our absolute priority no matter what. Pregaming. Betches will find an excuse to pregame pretty much anything. Besides the obvious major events like #4 birthdays, #12 tailgates, #14 dates, and #20 clubbing, short of taking the LSATs and going to our first day of work, it’s basically mandatory that we get fucked up before any and all activities.

Sorority initiation starting in 20 minutes? NO CHANCE I’m walking into such an event without sparking a j first! We’d all take the $100 fine for being absent before even considering attending sober.

Pregame hard, avoid rufilin.

OMG my cousin’s boyfriend’s dad’s birthday is tonight! Let’s throw a PG to celebrate in his absence! Cheeeeeeers!

So why do betches love pregaming so much? Besides the fact that it’s an excuse to gather our besties to laugh, bond, and #1 talk shit (and a lot of it), pregames are essential in that they ensure that wherever we’re going after, we’re not bored. Not bored = fucked up. If the day after, you still have vivid memories of your time at the bars/clubs/graduation/your grandma’s 90th birthday party, you know you didn’t pregame hard enough. Wait, did I really ask my grandpa for a drag of his cig last night? That’s more like it.

Betches also enjoy the exclusivity of pregames. Who will we invite? Who will be snubbed? Facebook invite or word of mouth?

Should we invite Dani? She’s been so annoying lately, giving me a play by play every 5 minutes of what she’s “up to.” Did I fucking ask what you’re fucking up to?! Whatever, hopefully she’ll bring some drugs.

Julie wouldn’t give me her notes from last week when I was hungover and didn’t go to class? Selfish bitch. She can drink alone!

Obviously as a betch, in addition to hosting pregames, you will be bombarded with invitations to attend a multitude of pre-bar events. Deciding which PG to attend is often one of the toughest decisions of our night.

Ugh, do we want to go to Jamie’s apartment? She’s never good for anything but Georgi! Cheap bitch! And Megan’s loser friends from class will probably be there. Whatever, it’ll be fine, we’ll just sit in the corner and drink their alc, while BBMing each other about how Lauren’s “new boyfriend” is really just a guy she fucked in the bathroom at a bar …once.

One of the biggest impediments to a sick pregame is your lame friend who decides she needs to “be a real person tomorrow” so she “isn’t going to get that fucked up tonight.”‬‪ Usually, that betch is fucked. Everyone will talk shit about her as soon as they part ways at the bar‬‪ and call her out for pretending to be drunker than she is when we’re out‬. WE ALL KNOW you only took 3 shots!!!‬ Being the lone sober betch, or the LSB (not to be confused with #17 LSC), is zero fun, and this betch will usually sit in the corner BBMing her boyfriend and thinking about many how more times she can get away with the “I’m sick” excuse. Bitch you’ve been sick for three fucking weeks.

This betch is not good for anything besides recounting funny drunk stories about the hysterical things you and your besties did when you were blackout, since she will be the only one sober enough to remember. But she’s still fucked because she’ll follow that up with some story about how you made a complete fool of yourself. Uh, sorry you think it’s embarrassing that I fell off the table last night. I personally thought my dismount was flawless.

Everyone knows that the best bonding occurs not over baking cakes and cookies, but over the three too many mimosas consumed during the drunk brunch before Amanda’s birthday lunch. Can I please have a mimosa? Hold the orange juice.

Oh no! It's Earth Day and we haven't pregamed yet!

Betches love a great PG because it combines our favorite things to do and gives us the alcohol lubrication that we need to divulge our deepest secrets. You and a few betches are chillin’ around a bathroom sink during the PG while passing your mail key around… What a perfect opportunity to share the story of how you gave yourself an abortion on spring break! All it took was some ecstasy and cocaine!

So if you’re trying to decide where you’re going tonight, the betchiest pregame should be your first choice. Actually a bro’s PG would be just as good (boys and booze, duh). Expect a shit ton of vodka, an array of the latest techno mixes from djCOHEN (aka the guy that lives down the hall who happens to own big headphones), and the coolest people you know. Remember betches, always bring your A-game to the pregame. It is your responsibility to set an example for others, prove how hard you can rage, and fuck anyone up who tries to get in your way.

15. Justin Bieber

1 Mar

You’re sitting there, your face and body are getting all hot and tingly, you start breaking out in a cold sweat, your heart is racing, and you’re trying to fight back the smile spreading across your face, but you can’t. It’s too late, you’ve come down with a case of Bieber Fever and there’s nothing from #10 Candyland to cure it.

We all have that friend who’s absolutely adored him from day one and has been begging you to see Never Say Never in 3D for months now. You agreed, not because you wanted to see what all the hype was about, but because Betch of the Week Chelsea Handler loves and flirts with him. Maybe you can even do a funny #6 mobile upload with those 3D glasses on, and if not, it’s still a great excuse to smoke weed and see a movie. Whatever.

You soon find yourself sitting in the theater, unable to contain yourself. The second you see the Biebs, you’re brainwashed like Derek Zoolander by fucking Mugatu. Then it comes to the slow motion hair flip. GAME OVER. You’ve lost it and you have full on Bieber Fever.

Dad in the back thinking: SHUT THE FUCK UP BETCHES! I just wanna hear Bieber!

Then you see Biebs singing to that girl on stage during “One Less Lonely Girl.” You find yourself in a jealous rage and you’re screaming in a theater full of tweens and their moms, “BETCH, THAT BOY IS MINE!!!!” …And now your friend who dragged you to the movie is being an even bigger betch because she’s all like, “Uhhh, told ya so. I take all the credit because I discovered him first.” And you’re all like, “whatever, betch.”

Now you go home, purchase every song he’s ever sang and hit up YouTube to watch every interview and video he’s ever made. And now you and all of your friends are posting Bieber-related posts on each other’s Facebooks. Bieber or Die.

What IS it that makes him so cute? That hair. That smile. That voice. He’s such a flirt and a ladies’ man. There should be a new word to describe attraction to Justin Bieber. BACK THE FUCK OFF, SELENA. Is it weird that we’re actually attracted to him? Uhh, no, he’s a heartthrob, so what if it makes you a certified cougar? Okay, so it’s creepy. I don’t care. It’s Justin. Pelvic thrust.

You want to know everything and anything Bieber, but one day, when you’re at the gym because you’re obvi on a #5 diet (Spring Break soon!), you glance at CNN and you almost fall off the treadmill. They’re saying that Bieber cut his hair! Legitimate news sources are calling this breaking news. This is an epidemic. RIP Hair Flip.

Egypt what? Protests in Libya?

The minute you get home you immediately Google his new haircut. Fuck showering. You mourn the Hair Flip for a few minutes, but like… boy still looks good, for real. Then you find out he’s selling his hair for charity (see, he’s soo nice!), and you decide this is where you cross the line and anyone who buys it is certifiable, even though you secretly want to sleep with a lock of his hair under your pillow.

We understand that bros are jealous. They should be. Overheard by a betch last weekend: “Justin Bieber is the only guy who does it for me”…her boyfriend was standing right next to her. For all you haters, just embrace it. It’s only a matter of time until you’re infected.

So, Happy 17th Birthday Justin!! Only 365 days until I can legally seduce you. Unless of course we’re in Canada, where the legal age of consent is 14. Yeah, I Googled it, judge me. I’m gonna go put on my purple American Apparel hoodie, peace.

4. Birthdays

16 Feb

Ask any betch what her favorite day of the year is, and she’ll for sure say, “My birthday, obvs!” Birthdays are a chance for betches to dress way nicer than everyone else, celebrate the fact that they’re still young and hot, and host a big party for all their friends! Every betch knows that the birthday pregame is always wayyyyy better than the birthday party itself, and you’re only as betchy as the number of people who refuse to respond to your Facebook invite because you didn’t respond to theirs. Awaiting reply? See ya there! Maybe attending? Hmm… Go fuck yourself.

It's probably not LinzLo's bday, but what a great pic!!

First comes the matter of how to word the Facebook birthday invitation. It has to be somewhat clever, so people think you’re funny, but not too clever that it seems like you actually put any effort into it. Always appoint two or more of your best betches as admins, and make sure one of them invites the bro you like so he doesn’t think you actually want him there. Betches never look desperate. And of course, tell your besties to come at least a half hour early so it looks like you have tons of friends when your outer circle of betches arrive (also extra time to #1 talk shit!).

Birthdays are also a great time to ask your parents for random shit, not that they don’t usually give you random shit anyway. While the rest of the world gets a day, a betch’s birthday can last almost an entire week. A birthday pregame might be enough for some, but betches prefer to have a birthday brunch, birthday dinner, birthday party, sometimes even a birthday vacation (at least on the big years, like 10, 12, 13, 16, 18, 21, 25, and every subsequent age ending in 0 or 5). These events can go on for days, weeks, months… until it’s time for the next betch’s birthday! Last but not least, it’s important to mention that proper betch etiquette dictates that betches never exchange actual birthday gifts. No, gifts are meant to come from mommy and daddy, so all the other betches just chip in and buy alcohol for the birthday betch at every celebratory event. Happy birthday betches!

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