Tag Archives: #blackout

16. The Post-Breakup Betch

1 Mar

On the rare occasion that the #14 date over winter break or the summer turned into an actual relationship, a betch will sometimes temporarily become a less cool and pretty version of herself and be completely consumed by her boyfriend. Suddenly, she’d rather stay in and watch Casablanca than roll face at Tiesto. Weird, we know. No one wants to hear about how sexy her boyfriend’s bangs look pushed back, especially when they could be raging at the bars, drinking shooters and soaking up each other’s awesomeness.

The only thing better than a betch with a boyfriend is a betch without one. The post-breakup betch is very similar to the #7 token crazy friend who is fond of #5 diets, #10 Candyland, and bros. After all, the post-breakup period is a betch’s time to shine. The newly single betch needs to show all those bros, especially that asshole who let her go, that she’s single and ready to mingle.

While nice girls may be heartbroken over a recent relationship and do horrible things like binge eat and cry in fucking public, the betch is over it. Whatever, his nose was crooked, he had a small penis, wasn’t that rich, his hairline was receding, and he was too close with his mom. She has no need to drown her sorrows in Taco Bell or waste her time making up revenge fantasies, because she knows that she was better than him in every way and there’s always another bro around the corner.

The post break up period consists of a series of events designed to re-release the betch into the wild.

Step 1: The Breakup Diet. Some girls think a breakup gives them a free pass to stuff their face with chocolate and ignore their workout routine. A betch knows otherwise. There’s never an excuse to be a fat loser. She knows that she was too good for that dumb bastard who lured her in with lavish dinners at STK and bottle service at Tenjune. She will use this opportunity to become even hotter, if that’s possible. The Breakup Diet is your basic, run of the mill anorexia/exercise bulimia assisted by a liberal intake of Adderall.

Step 2: Deleting Your Ex-Bro from BBM. This is critical because you will avoid #14 Sunday Morning Regrets by drunk BBMing him whilst blackout which could possibly embarrass you. Extra betch points for embarrassing him in public. Making him cry at the bars is a classic.

Step 3: Being (or Appearing to Be) a Ho Fosho. Wear your sluttiest freshman year outfits that border between nudity and prostitution immediately following the breakup. A betch knows she looks good naked, now it’s time for someone else to. This will also come in handy when posing with every bro in a ten-foot radius of her at the bars who she #8 hasn’t (or maybe has) already fucked, while her betches (perhaps secretly) snap pics. It goes without saying that her ex is creepily lingering in a peripheral area attempting to make eye contact while she shoots him a look that says, “you can go shave your back now.”

Step 4: Defriending Your Ex-Bro on Facebook. Of course, a true betch only does this after Sunday. Sunday, glorious, Sunday. The unofficial day for betches everywhere to upload their pictures from the weekend of debauchery into Facebook albums aptly named something along the lines of “Grundle Sweat is for Winners” or some other nonsensical and clearly inappropriate title. The point of waiting until after Sunday is to show her ex how crazy her weekend was, with 50+ photos of her practically nude, surrounded by hotter, cooler bros.

When all is said and done, the post-breakup period is a wonderful time for a betch and her besties. She returns to her former glory while her ex-bro unsuccessfully patrols the freshman bars for a less hot version of her to take to his formal.

For the unfortunate bro who let a true betch slip away, beware, you’re not dealing with a nice girl. She will make you more hated than Mel Gibson performing a Chris Brown song while wearing Ed Hardy at a Hitler Youth Convention.

14. Going on Dates

28 Feb

A lot of scary things happen when a betch goes out and isn’t drunk enough. Usually she’ll be like, really bored and chilling with her best friend, her Blackberry, which is okay because she’s sober enough to avoid sending embarrassing BBMs. But on some rare occasions, she’s actually socializing with people she may not know in a somewhat coherent way. There’s a first time for everything…

As is typical when a betch goes out, some guy will ask for her number. Surprisingly, you receive a text the next day at 2pm rather than 2am so you know something is up. He wants to take you on a date or “go for drinks.” Naturally, he texts you rather than calls to avoid the possibility that you and your besties have already nicknamed him “lanky button down man,” and that he will be laughed right off the phone. Also, he’s naturally intimidated by your blatantly oozing vibe that you are better than him.

Betches love dates because it gives them a chance to get dressed up and provides hours of opportunities just to talk about themselves. Also, free dinner! While a nice girl would be anxious about a first date, you’re not because you’re a betch and you don’t give a shit.

Many times, these dates occur over winter break or during the summer since everyone at college knows your entire sexual history and thus is unlikely to want to discuss it over dinner with you. This is great if you’ve been bad about #8 not fucking bros lately. But every betch knows the cardinal rule: never put out on a first date.

A first date usually winds up like this. You get there first. This is essential because it means you can sit at the bar and flirt with some other guy, knowing your date will see this when he arrives. All betches know that jealousy is a powerful emotion. He gets there, and things are rather awkward at first. You order a salad and a vodka soda. Forty-five minutes and four vodka sodas later things are looking up. This guy has gotten a lot hotter and you’re impressed by his hysterical stories from when he was #3 abroad in Rome. You bond over how overrated the Sistine Chapel was. After this he picks up the check (Side note: if he fucking doesn’t, you immediately #9 nickname him “Po’ Boy” and delete him from your phone), and he tells you he’d love to see you next weekend. Why wouldn’t he? You’d date yourself if you could!

Scenario C: The guy is so boring that you pass the fuck out.

Alternate endings:

Scenario A: If after five drinks you realize he’s not that attractive, and you can’t stop focusing on the disproportionate size of his ears, or if he uses nauseating terms of endearment like “beautiful” (a betch knows how hot she is, you don’t need to keep telling her), you tell him it was really nice to meet him and give him a kiss on the cheek, and head out to meet your betches at a club. It’s always best to accept a date with a backup plan for later.

Scenario B: If however, he’s kind of an asshole (read: Bro) and gives off the vibe that he might not call you back, you immediately make moves to prolong the date. As he walks you to a cab, you play coy but accept his invitation to go to another bar or chill at his apartment. This is usually followed by a lengthy makeout sesh, after which you get home and await his call 1-3 days later. The more unsure you are of his impending call, the hotter he gets and the more you build up a relationship in your head, envisioning drama and hot makeup sex.

All in all, when you get asked out on a date, it’s poor etiquette to say no. Assuming the guy isn’t heinous, you should say yes because betches are really good people at heart, and we wouldn’t want to deprive someone else of getting acquainted with the best person we know.

12. Tailgates

26 Feb

Out of respect for the fact that it’s Saturday, generally considered the best day of the week, we’d like to address one of the best ways to get blackout: TAILGATES!! Even though college football season is done, Saturdays in the fall are key to having a social life.

If you’re not willing to wake up at 7am to drink yourself stupid, you are committing social suicide. A true betch is ready to drink at any time of day, even if it means setting your Blackberry alarm for 7:05 after getting home at 5am.

Let’s go over how to properly tailgate while being the betch of the party:

Proper attire is essential. At big party schools in the north, predominately in the BIG 10, it’s all about rocking the school colors. A true betch will have a new shirt and accessories at every game, including necklaces, temporary tattoos, knee-high socks, sunglasses, and face paint. We mean EVERY Saturday, so arrange to bursar some shit at the school store and tell your parents you needed new textbooks.

For our big party schools in the south, tailgating is a little different. Here, it’s considered a serious offense to be caught not wearing your nicest frock. Southern kids look at these events as if they’re social galas straight out of the plantation era.

No matter where you’re tailgating, pre-tailgate rituals are basically universal. The bitch-betch must be the one to get the bagels and cream cheese, Starbucks, and chasers. I know what you’re thinking, betches don’t eat bagels! But eating a bagel, scooped out of course, is necessary or you will make a fool of yourself. Eat quickly, or share half your bagel with the garbage, and get to ripping shots as soon as possible. It’s considered poor form to show up sober at the actual pregame, so 5-7 shots at the PRE-pregame is customary. Oh, and be sure to bring the rest of the bottle with you to the real pregame. Betches are always prepared for emergencies.

Next you go meet up with the majority of your crew for the actual pregame at your bros’ house. At this point it’s around 9am. The game doesn’t start till 12. Yay, plenty of time to drink! Music is blasting, 85 kids are on the front lawn, the smell of marijuana and cigarettes fills the air, the funnel is getting passed around like that freshman who’s fucked all your guy friends, and everyone is getting absolutely belligerent. Soon you’re at the point of no return and you know it’s time to walk to the tailgating fields to start the real party.

The tailgate: Picture a scene with thousands of people and rows of cars that goes for miles. As you walk to where your bros have set up shop, a cop on his bike offers to open your beer for you. Your bros’ tailgate area consists of a tent with speakers and a grill, a keg, and the finest Karkov vodka for betches who won’t go near beer. It’s almost 10:30am at this point and you are really really really… I mean REALLY drunk. So you continue drinking. The grill is going, and this is when you shadily start your drunk munchies.

At 11:45 the tailgating fields start to empty out and it’s time to go to the game. But here’s the thing, when you go to a giant party school with a shitty football team, you’re not actually going. Besides, you can barely walk. This is when a true betch shines. You spot a Jimmy John’s delivery guy. A ride AND a sandwich? This is my golden fucking ticket. You walk up to him and shake your shit a little, and soon he offers to drive you home. Mmmm… I loveee the Beach Club.

Oh no, maybe they won't be delivering!

You get home but you’re stopped by that delicious smell coming from the pizza place next door (if you’re lucky and from Wisco, it’ll be covered in mac and cheese. YESSSSS). Okay betches. I know that we all want to be #5 skinny, but that is for during the week. You need to soak up that alcohol somehow. You get to your apartment and turn the game on. This is sooooo much better in HD!! You sit on your coach, roll your best betch blunt, and spark that shit up. Great fucking day.

Before you know it, you open your eyes and realize it’s 8:30pm and you’re still on that couch. You have 8 missed calls and 7 BBMs. You feel really shitty but it doesn’t fucking matter because you’re going out anyway.

A true betch will make it out for Saturday night and will black out harder then she did that day. This is what college is all about. If you cant handle it, transfer. I recommend for you Betches-in-Training, pick a big party school that tailgates on Saturdays. If you’re lucky, your high school betches that go to rival schools will come tailgate when you play each other, and if it’s a big enough game (or tailgate), your Ivy League betches will come and help with calculating your BAC. You get to spend the weekend with your best home, abroad, camp, teen tour, summer program betches, forcing vodka and beer down each others’ throats.

Listen, tailgates are the only exception for drinking beer. Choose your calories wisely during the week because when it’s tailgating time…anything goes, along with your dignity.

Betch of the Week: Chelsea Handler

25 Feb

“I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.” Chelsea Handler

There is NO ONE betches love more than Chelsea Handler. That’s because she embodies everything we aspire to be and more. What’s not to love about Chelsea? She has her own late night talk show where she gets to #1 talk shit about celebrities and gets paid for it. She’s written three hysterical books where all she talks about is having sex and being drunk and making fun of her dad. Chelsea tells it like it is. She’s like, really pretty, and she doesn’t give a fuck what anyone thinks about her…. All qualities that the ultimate betch possesses. A job where you get to rehash your blackout nights while making fun of D-List celebrities to their faces!? Sign us the fuck up! Today is Chelsea’s 36th birthday and we can honestly say that even though she’s old as fuck, there’s still no one we’d rather be than her! HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHELSEA!!!

Actual event. This picture is not staged. Note: the books.

Now, betches don’t have any issues with people who read books for fun. But while fucking nice girls spend their summers reading Jodi Picoult’s My Sister’s Keeper while crying alone in their rooms, and our dads read some boring political shit (Side note: as it turns out, Freakonomics is not about some wild #7 BSCB), betches spend their time reading three books: My Horizontal Life, Are You There Vodka, it’s Me, Chelsea! and Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang. We are SOOO excited for May 10th when Lies that Chelsea Told Me is released and we’ll have something to occupy ourselves while we’re tanning by the pool.

Chelsea Handler is like, the funniest betch alive. Pretty much all of her quotes could be related to shit betches love. Here are some of our faves:

“My mother told me that life isn’t always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.”

“Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It’s just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you’re a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you’re with immediately starts text messaging her friends, you have a small penis.”

For all these reasons, Chelsea is our Betch of the Week. If you have any suggestions for next week’s favorite betch, feel free to leave a comment or tweet it to us! http://www.twitter.com/betchesluvthis

Finally, in the spirit of last night’s #11 Jersey Shore post, the only funnier commentary on the show than ours is clearly Chelsea’s.

11. Jersey Shore

24 Feb

Right now, betches all across the land are anxiously awaiting tonight’s episode of Jersey Shore. We’re SOOOO excited to get our weekly fix of important world news such as: How many times will Ronnie cry? How much weight has Deena gained since last week? Will the cabs come?

Jersey Shore, or JShore, as many betches call it, epitomizes a love-hate relationship for us, kind of like being dependent on your daddy for money. Yeah, we all fucking LOVE it and can’t live without it, but really, how long am I gonna milk this thing for?

Snooki adding a three minute kiddie ride to her fifteen minutes of fame!

We love Jersey Shore because it gives us a free pass, if you will, to excuse our own behavior. Yeah, I go out six nights a week, never go to class, and wake up after noon every day, but at least my grandma doesn’t have to watch guys on television talking about how I love to give rim jobs! (P.S. betches don’t.) But that doesn’t mean we don’t have a lot in common with them! We all love to tan, get black out drunk, and are attention whores. Jersey Shore represents the worst possible version of ourselves… in the best possible way. We’re convinced the cast was compiled by finding the craziest #7 BSCB in various friend groups of Italian-American betches and bros from the tri-state area.

JShore provides us with many forms of entertainment other than the show itself. Mostly, it’s a great reason to start drinking before 10pm on Thursdays and provides an interactive pregame “situation.” (Hahaha PUN-NYYYY!!!)

For all you betches who haven’t done a Jersey Shore pregame, here are the rules we like to play with. Normally, in a game like this one, the moments one chooses to take a shot would be rare, but since we’re trying to get obliterated (in a classy way, of course), we choose to pick moments that happen as often as possible. Did you just hear someone say juicehead? I don’t know… let’s take a shot anyway!!

1. someone uses the words grenade, land mine, juice head, GTL: 1 shot per word
2. someone falls on their ass: 1 shot, 2 shots if it’s Deena
3. smushing: 2 shots if it happens, 1 shot if discussed
4. cast member vomits: tequila shot
5. Any time you see Ronnie’s fucking retarded commercial for Xenadrine, drink an entire bottle of wine to the face

We’ll leave you with some words of wisdom just in case your night turns sour. Compliments of J-Woww to Snooki in Season 1, from one psycho betch to another: “feel better, eat some food (don’t actually do this), drink heavily.” Pregame hard, betches!!!

10. Candyland

23 Feb

Sometimes our drug dealers are on vacation too lazy to deliver (to my dealer: this is not how you run a business!) so illegal drugs are just too hard to find and we have to cut our losses and screw the hard stuff. Let’s talk prescription pills.

Some of us betches may be lucky enough to have a doctor who hands out prescriptions like he’s a fucking candy man (note to self: be friends with this betch). For the rest us, aside from raiding your daddy’s medicine cabinet during Thanksgiving break, finding these candies isn’t too hard, so let’s give you a run down of a betch’s favorite party favors:

Xanax: Oh my gosh. How am I going to go out tonight when FedEx hasn’t delivered my new boots yet?! Massive anxiety attack! Must pop a xany now! Mix it up with a little alcohol and we’ve got the perfect potion for a night of blackout destruction (less drinking! So good for the #5 diet!).

Klonopin: A little stronger than Xanax, this one takes longer to kick in, but is well worth the wait. Your #7 token crazy friend will probably have a stash.

Adderall: Also know as “Diet Coke,” this is by far a betch’s favorite study buddy… aside from that Asian in your Art History class who sends you all his work. From the library during finals week, to your desk at Goldman Sachs, this betch candy is all around us in plentiful amounts. (Are there really people who do any real work without it?) In addition to stopping you from watching Holly’s World when your paper is due in three hours, Adderall makes food your worst enemy, and convinces your brain that you’d like to be a real person, at least until the 20 mg XR wears off.

Vodka Soda Mountain is just across the Adderall River and through the Vicodin Woods

Valium/Vicodin/Percocets: You don’t see these very often in your day-to-day drug trafficking among your besties, but here’s where to look: find the betch who just had her nose or chin done, the one who just got her wisdom teeth out, or the really hard core drug bro who takes all of the above at one time. Let’s talk about the perks of percs: why take a jello shot when your entire body can feel like jello? Yay percs! When you do come across these candies, if you’re looking to do a trade, each of these pills is worth several Adderall, Xanax, and/or Klonopin. We call this the betch trail mix.

Ambien: Take this to fall asleep after your Adderall, or engage your besties in a competition to see who can stay awake on it the longest without hallucinating.

Most importantly, when you’re on spring break in some third world country, make sure to Google where the nearest farmacia is beforehand. A smart betch always makes good use of her Google maps! Just don’t get caught smuggling anything across the border at JFK…

*Alternate form of pill intake: crush and snort

9. Nicknames

23 Feb

How many betches can say that they call their besties by their real names? The answer is like, NONE! Why? Because names like Sara and Jane are fucking boring, and a betch is always looking for ways to ease her boredom. For all of you nice girls and betch-haters, this might make it difficult to follow along in a conversation with us. For example…

Betch 1: So like, can you believe SW hooked up with AW!?

Betch 2: I thought he was hooking up with that girl… fuck! What’s her name? She kind of looks like a smurf… whatever, smurf girl?

Betch 3: Ugh, who the fuck cares? Today I saw JM wearing these like, bigggg framed trendyyy glasses. She totes can’t pull those off. Quel dommage!

But nicknames are not only restricted for talking about other betches. Betches find nicknames most useful when talking about betch-haters, bros, bros they hate, bros they fucked (or #8 didn’t fuck), etc. The best part about nicknames is that you can basically # 1 talk shit about someone when they’re standing right next to you, as long as their nickname isn’t so completely obvious.

Why are nicknames such an important part of The Betch Life? I mean, think about it, we all do it. There’s just nothing we find as funny as naming a girl who’s fro resembles an unkempt vagina, “Bush,” as we like to call her. Come on, we all know that girl.

What about that freshman slut named Jen who’s already so fake-baked and done so many drugs that she looks like she’s aging backwards? Hello Jenjamin Button!!! The nicknames betches come up with not only give us a giggle whenever we mention them, but they allow other betches to see our creativity and allow us to talk shit even without any real news to talk shit about.

OMG look, it's Jenjamin!

When it comes to guys, nicknames tend to be less derived from their appearance and are more typically based on experiences with them. That guy who fingered your best betch on the dance floor at Valentine’s Day formal last weekend? We think his name is Eric, but we call him FINGER BOY!!! Hahahaha SOOOO funny!!!!

Oh, and the guy you hooked up with who had the unusually small penis? Sorry boys, but you’re now known among our betch circle as “baby dick.”

That guy you text when your main bro is out of town or not responding to your blackout BBMs? He might as well be plugged into your phone as “Plan B.” Sometimes it’s just so hard to keep track of all the people we know!

Another common type of nickname, most often used by younger betches (Betches-in-Training), is the friend group nickname. How many betches are in your crew? Seven? OMG I loveeee The Seven!!! While this is considered betchy and cool in middle school, it’s more of a nice girl betch-hater thing to do as you get older. So if you do this past 12th grade, you should probably take it off your AIM profile.

If you’re cool enough to be talked about or lame enough that you just can’t look away, you probably have a nickname. Just watch out because it only takes one fashion faux pas or premature ejaculation to be permanently branded by a betch.

8. Not Having Sex With Bros (sometimes)

22 Feb

It’s 2am and you’re hanging outside the bar thinking of ways to distract yourself from eating while on your #5 diet, even though the pizza place is across the street and you’re just below blackout. Then you see him standing across the street: the self-proclaimed “bro.”

The bro’s goal for the night is to fuck the hottest betch around, who, let’s face it, is you (thanks for the heads up Bros Like This Site!!). He motions for you to come over. As a true betch you’re not going for that shit, and you scream that if he wants to talk to you he can cross the fucking street.

He obviously does.

The two of you start talking when he mentions that he has weed. OMG, yes, I love blunts!!! The thought entices you enough to go back to his place, smoke and watch Knocked Up. Ahhh Paul Rudd!!! Love him too!! In addition, this is a great way to avoid #5 eating, at least for an hour. In your drunken state, it’s the perfect activity.

You go back, smoke a little weed, and this bro obviously starts to make out with you. You’re almost drunk/high enough and are considering having sex with him. At least it’ll be a workout!

Then you snap out of it and realize who you are. You’re a betch, and it will take more than a blunt and a ride in his BMW to conquer this shit. As a betch you realize that while bros rule the world (yeah, betches are secure enough in their awesomeness to admit it, who do you think you’re marrying anyway?), betches have the power to not have sex with them. Even their daddy’s money can’t get you to put out. As he tries to put his hand down your pants you yawn and say that you’ve got a super early group meeting and you’re so sorry and thanks for the blunt and you have to go. As if I’d ever go to any group meeting before noon. Bye.

See, the difference between your average slut and a betch is that a betch doesn’t just use her hotness to get laid, she uses it to manipulate the bros who think they’re in charge. Hellloooo just look at history! Anne Boleyn got her betchy ass to be Queen of England simply by not putting out to the ultimate asshole bro, Henry VIII.

This is not to say betches don’t love having sex, but unlike bros, our vaginas aren’t attached to our brains. Except sometimes if you had too many shots, and were so drunk that you actually had that beer to put you over, you might end up fucking him anyway… in that case it’s always fun to do a prank call with your betches a few weeks later telling him you’re knocked up and are gonna need about 18 years of child support.

7. Token Crazy Friend

22 Feb

Although betches all have certain things in common, there are some betches that stand out and are different than the others. Every friend group can and should have one of these people. She is the token Bat Shit Crazy Betch. In addition to providing entertainment, the BSCB serves to make the rest of us feel like we are normal. She is defined by her superior abilities to #1 talk shit, she has really funny stories, and make us seem nice to guys, at least in comparison to the BSCB. The BSCB persona can take many forms, but typically possesses the following qualities:

BSCB will never go to rehab, no no no

Compulsive Need to Rage: While all betches are almost always down to rage, the BSCB gives this an entire new meaning. She’s usually the betch that lost her virginity in 7th grade, regularly pounds shots at 10am while everyone else is taking turns vomming from their hangovers (or breakfast, whatever), and did lines behind her laptop in freshman year econ. This betch is your favorite betch to party with, has fucked upwards of 40 bros, and generally serves to make other betches feel like their insane habits are normal.

Psycho Breakdowns/Tantrums: Another type of BSCB most likely has some sort of real and diagnosable but untreated psychiatric disorder, be this OCD/ADD/manic depression/anxiety/ is generally fucking nuts. She may appear normal most of the time… until she starts sporadically crying in the midst of studying at the library, or when Bachelor Brad eliminates the wrong girl.

Sociopathic Tendencies: One of the most dangerous betches is a sociopath/borderline/pure evil. This betch is stealthy and comes off as completely normal, but she has some seriously evil plans for destruction. While most betches are harmless and just generally awesome, the sociopath BSCB allows her boredom and/or insane ambitions to get in the way of living life like the rest of us. Think Regina George or Tracy Flick. Watch out for this betch or she’ll steal your boyfriend, your dignity, and your self-esteem. Make sure you’re either cool enough to ball this betch out, or you better be on her fucking good side.

While the BSCBs all have their flaws, they also serve their purpose. Besides being extremely entertaining, these betches make us feel better about ourselves and are wayyyyy more fun to hang out with than those boring nice girls betch-haters. WE LOVE YOU BSCBs!!!!

6. Mobile Uploads

22 Feb

Because betches are the most important people around, it’s their duty to keep all their besties and betch followers updated on their every move. Naturally, this is accomplished through a constant stream of BBM status updates, tweets, and Facebook statuses. But for a true betch, nothing matches the statement made with their favorite form of update: the mobile upload (often referred to by its common abbreviation, “mupload”).

Since a basic requirement for being a betch is owning a Blackberry (iPhones are soooo manly. What’s that Android thing again?) the camera feature has become a huge part of The Betch Life. Whenever a betch goes out on the town, it’s absolutely critical that everyone she knows is aware of exactly what she’s doing and with whom. Since a real betch is too cool to spend time taking boring pics with a camera and uploading albums with 60 pics of 5-10 girls smiling with their hands on their hips so they look #5 skinny, her muploads show that she’s super busy and super popular and “omg so funny!!” A mupload screams “I’m too cool for Facebook albums but my life is just too fabulous to not share this pic of my best betch vomming in her own bag!”

OMG, Ally stole some bro’s hat at the bar!? That’s soooo funny!! Mupload that! …But wait, what should I caption it!?

After fewer than five minutes, the photo will already be on Facebook, captioned “Cool hat Al!” (good one, right!?) Now all of this betch’s Facebook friends aka followers, who are clearly hugeeee losers since they’re sitting at home on Facebook instead of going out and RAGINGGGGG, can live vicariously and have sooo much fun too!! YAYYY!!

One might argue that some betches actually only engage in activities based on opportunities for muploads. For those of you who live this way, don’t worry, we get you, but it’s time to get a life.

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