Tag Archives: #Breakup Betch

18. The Fuck Buddy

3 Mar

After a girl has been the #16 breakup betch for a while, the logical next step is to find someone new. However, as we’ve already described a betch in a relationship as a much lamer version of herself, having a fuck buddy is really the best of both worlds. It allows you to be your truest betch self while getting laid on a regular basis without having to deal with some miserable boyfriend around telling you that your crop top looks too slutty.

A betch knows that there are some times in her life when she can’t be tied down because there are just too many people out there who want to hook up with her. You can go out and rage, do whatever drugs you want, and not have to answer to fucking anyone. However, while guys can get off to a piece of fucking apple pie (Was it just a piece or was it the whole pie?), a girl has a much better time when a guy knows how to give her what she wants.

While we know there are a lot of dicks out there, some are more special than others. Betches like everything they do to be special and exclusive, even the things that go in us. But since we’re not about to date anyone, our established fuck buddies become VIPs, our Very Important Penises.

Better get yourself on a VIP list!

For a betch, having a VIP is just like making an investment (thanks for teaching us about the stock market dad!). You do a lot of research and carefully select who looks the most promising. In other words, he’s tall, has a penis on the larger side, and knows what the fuck he’s doing. We’re not trying to devirginize anyone here. Sometimes a betch has a few investments that are going great for her, that way she can choose who she wants at any given time. Every Wall Street asshole understands the importance of a diversified portfolio, and so does a betch. Just because we’re hot doesn’t mean we’re stupid. Feeling a slow and sensual tryst set to the tune of Boyz II Men? Call Todd! Looking to conquer the third floor of the library? Good thing Andrew’s around!

This also allows betches the freedom to explore as many options as we want, while still having consistent sex and minimizing our number. One might call them a friend with benefits, but unlike my actual friends who I would be there for in times of sickness and trouble, the only reason I would text my VIP when he’s ill would be to see if he’s gonna make it out tonight! They’re not really your friend, and maybe you talk occasionally, but if not for the sex, there would probably be little to no contact at all.

So bros, if you’re lucky enough to be a betch’s VIP, don’t worry about her excessive drunken BBMs, it’s just that she wants to fuck, and one of her other VIPs might not be answering at the moment. Just remember, if you secure a coveted spot on a betch’s VIP list, you should always RSVP in a timely fashion or next time you might not get in.

16. The Post-Breakup Betch

1 Mar

On the rare occasion that the #14 date over winter break or the summer turned into an actual relationship, a betch will sometimes temporarily become a less cool and pretty version of herself and be completely consumed by her boyfriend. Suddenly, she’d rather stay in and watch Casablanca than roll face at Tiesto. Weird, we know. No one wants to hear about how sexy her boyfriend’s bangs look pushed back, especially when they could be raging at the bars, drinking shooters and soaking up each other’s awesomeness.

The only thing better than a betch with a boyfriend is a betch without one. The post-breakup betch is very similar to the #7 token crazy friend who is fond of #5 diets, #10 Candyland, and bros. After all, the post-breakup period is a betch’s time to shine. The newly single betch needs to show all those bros, especially that asshole who let her go, that she’s single and ready to mingle.

While nice girls may be heartbroken over a recent relationship and do horrible things like binge eat and cry in fucking public, the betch is over it. Whatever, his nose was crooked, he had a small penis, wasn’t that rich, his hairline was receding, and he was too close with his mom. She has no need to drown her sorrows in Taco Bell or waste her time making up revenge fantasies, because she knows that she was better than him in every way and there’s always another bro around the corner.

The post break up period consists of a series of events designed to re-release the betch into the wild.

Step 1: The Breakup Diet. Some girls think a breakup gives them a free pass to stuff their face with chocolate and ignore their workout routine. A betch knows otherwise. There’s never an excuse to be a fat loser. She knows that she was too good for that dumb bastard who lured her in with lavish dinners at STK and bottle service at Tenjune. She will use this opportunity to become even hotter, if that’s possible. The Breakup Diet is your basic, run of the mill anorexia/exercise bulimia assisted by a liberal intake of Adderall.

Step 2: Deleting Your Ex-Bro from BBM. This is critical because you will avoid #14 Sunday Morning Regrets by drunk BBMing him whilst blackout which could possibly embarrass you. Extra betch points for embarrassing him in public. Making him cry at the bars is a classic.

Step 3: Being (or Appearing to Be) a Ho Fosho. Wear your sluttiest freshman year outfits that border between nudity and prostitution immediately following the breakup. A betch knows she looks good naked, now it’s time for someone else to. This will also come in handy when posing with every bro in a ten-foot radius of her at the bars who she #8 hasn’t (or maybe has) already fucked, while her betches (perhaps secretly) snap pics. It goes without saying that her ex is creepily lingering in a peripheral area attempting to make eye contact while she shoots him a look that says, “you can go shave your back now.”

Step 4: Defriending Your Ex-Bro on Facebook. Of course, a true betch only does this after Sunday. Sunday, glorious, Sunday. The unofficial day for betches everywhere to upload their pictures from the weekend of debauchery into Facebook albums aptly named something along the lines of “Grundle Sweat is for Winners” or some other nonsensical and clearly inappropriate title. The point of waiting until after Sunday is to show her ex how crazy her weekend was, with 50+ photos of her practically nude, surrounded by hotter, cooler bros.

When all is said and done, the post-breakup period is a wonderful time for a betch and her besties. She returns to her former glory while her ex-bro unsuccessfully patrols the freshman bars for a less hot version of her to take to his formal.

For the unfortunate bro who let a true betch slip away, beware, you’re not dealing with a nice girl. She will make you more hated than Mel Gibson performing a Chris Brown song while wearing Ed Hardy at a Hitler Youth Convention.

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