Tag Archives: #bros

34. BBM

26 Apr

As a betch, it goes without saying that you are, as a person, in extremely high demand at all times. We lead very busy lives, and it’s often hard to divide our time between all our besties and bros who constantly want to hang out with us. We don’t blame them, if we weren’t us, hanging out with us would be our top priority too.

Fortunately, somewhere around the turn of the century, some nerd scientist invented the ultimate betch accessory that helps keep us in constant contact with anyone we could ever want to talk to. Yes, we’re talking about the Blackberry. The Blackberry is like a betch’s third fucking arm, and every betch has probably gone through at least twelve of these malfunctioning pieces of shit in her lifetime. (New pin:c83ad4g. Add me!)

Some people might wonder why we keep getting new Blackberries when they clearly suck so much. Obvious answer. BBM. If you have an iPhone or an Android, get the fuck off this website and go back to checking stock quotes on your geek machine, loser.

Same goes if you have fewer than 50 contacts… awkward.

BBM is basically the only reason why betches have Blackberries, and it’s probably one of the most addictive and psychologically manipulative tools in modern society. Honestly, the culture of BBM lends itself to idiocy. For a betch, BBM provides us with an inhibition-free zone and an incessant #1 shit-talking machine. You don’t even realize half the shit you’re sending is complete garbage until it’s too late. You know you can’t harass someone over text because it’s too slow and annoying, but you bet you can stalk the shit out of your lover boy on BBM! (PING!!! Answer me now!!! Fuck me till I can’t walk!!!)

Granted, sometimes we use BBM for important communication, but that’s usually only when you’re trying to text your Asian friend from Econ to tell her your computer suddenly crashed and you desperately need her study guide for the midterm tomorrow.

In reality, BBM is the ultimate playing field for the many games we play with bros. What kind of points can you score in the BBM game? It’s all about the Read and Delivered.

It’s one thing if you’re texting with a bro and he doesn’t respond, but it’s a whole new ball game when you’re BBM friends and he reads it and doesn’t respond. He knows that I know that he knows that I know that he read it!!! He’s fucking done.

This means he’s #32 winning right now, so now you have no choice but to screen him for at least three hours the next four times he BBMs you.

But BBM games aren’t just limited to bros, betches love to play BBM games with other betches too. Who hasn’t been in four simultaneous shady conversations, all with people sitting in the same room as you? The best part about it is that no one ever fucking notices because everyone is on their fucking phones!!!

One of the most epic innovations in the BBM game is the group BBM chat. What better way to keep a select group of betches unified and up-to-date on one another’s very important decisions, such as, should I wear heels or flats tonight? It’s also a great organizational tool, since it helps us arrange exclusive #23 pregames. And since betches thrive on exclusivity, who isn’t included in the BBM group is wayyyyy more important than who is because it determines who we can openly #1 talk shit about.

So betches, always remember that the BBM game is just as important as real life, and one BBM can fuck you over forever. When you’re trying to shadily message Lindsay across the room that Jenny’s shirt makes her look like a whale, make sure you’re not accidentally typing to Jenny. After all, she’s the BBM group admin, and the fact that she looks like an oversized mammal who never gets ass doesn’t mean she won’t delete you faster than you can say “Sry wrong BBM.”

33. Hating Nice Guys

25 Apr

So we realize we’ve been #1 talking a lot of shit about those whom we’d label “nice girls.” While these people obviously suck, we feel it’s a little unfair to limit our negative feelings to only this one group. Betches are all for equality, so we know that all nice people deserve the same amount of disdain. Namely, nice guys.

Betches don’t love bros so much because of their amazing looks and generous, caring ways. We love bros because they don’t automatically take all of our shit and don’t always respond to our clever #32 winning tactics. Offer me a ride home after I stay the night at your place? You’re done. Fucking desperate loser. Forget to wish me a happy birthday via both BBM and Facebook? +5 right there.

There’s a certain confidence that the nice guy lacks that makes us wanna vomit. (I guess they’re good for something!) Don’t be flattered if a nice guy asks you out, he’s the kind of tool who’s been on the prowl since he broke up with his latest lame girlfriend less than a month ago. If you’re a nice guy, it is virtually impossible to even attain #19 ugly hot status. And sometimes, even if you are hot, being a kind and overly affectionate person will end with you getting fucked over… and we don’t mean the kitchen table.

Granted, guys don’t have to be sadistic or mean for betches to like them, although it does help. But there’s a very thin line between being a moderate challenge and someone’s bitch. Sometimes nice guys are hard to spot, and we don’t realize it until we’ve already hooked up with them.

A cheek kiss will not get you laid.

Here are some signs you’ve encountered a nice guy:

1. He refuses to play mind games
2. He tells you how he feels far too soon
3. He talks to his mom several times a day
4. He’s president of the Academic Integrity Hearing Board at your university
5. He’s the friend who constantly goes on beer runs
6. He continues to contact you after you stood him up four times
7. He says you should take things slow… sexually
8. He listens to what you have to say and actually references it in later conversations. Ew.

So betches, if you find yourself entangled with a nice guy, don’t panic. Depending on how betchy you are, you can either ride this one out for fun to see how long he’ll keep coming back, no matter how many times you tell him his wardrobe is repulsive and that you hate kids and small animals. If you’re a nicer betch, you might tell him you’re just not that into him. Or, you could “wrong BBM” him something explicitly sexual with another bro’s name. Either way, you should wait until after your birthday to end shit just in case he has a cool gift lined up. We wouldn’t want anyone to waste their money, especially not on us.

You might also decide to keep him around on the off chance that he suddenly decides to become an asshole (yay!) and starts to ignore you. Then it’s only a matter of days before you’re in love with him and you can’t figure out why that is. Seeing him hook up with someone else usually does the trick. I don’t want you, but you’re certainly not allowed to fucking want anyone else!

Not to sound like total haters, it’s just that betches are very intriguing and complicated, and nice guys don’t fuck with our heads enough to keep us interested. A true betch won’t be won over with flowers and candy, instead the key to our hearts is to strategically ignore the fact that we’re hot shit and subtly insult us. Every betch knows the only thing hotter than a good actual fuck is a quality mind fuck.

32. Winning

22 Apr

So there’s this bro you’ve wanted to hook up with for a while now. Being the betch that you are, it’s only a matter of time before you conquer him. Obviously he’ll be the one to make the first move, as you’re so hot that you’re about as likely to pursue a bro yourself as you are to wear a corduroy skort to the bar tonight.

Cut to somewhere between 10 minutes and two weeks later, depending on the intensity of this bro’s game. He buys you a few drinks at the bar and before you know it, mission accomplished.

Let the games begin.

Here comes the endless analysis of every text, glance, and interaction you exchange with this kid for the next year and a half.

Since betches don’t have actual feelings, winning is not about the fulfillment of any sort of need for love and affection, or because you actually give a shit about anyone. Caring about others is for nice girls. (Unless you have a boyfriend, in which case keep that shit private because there’s nothing more disgusting than a happy couple.) Caring is the opposite of winning. Winning is our mechanism to get the ultimate prize: power and control. There’s nothing more important to a betch than being on top.

For a bro, winning is fucking a girl and never calling her again. For a betch, it’s receiving a 2pm triple text from the bro who thinks he’s the hottest shit around.

So how do you win? We’ve devised a handy points system for those clingy girls out there who don’t naturally possess our superior analytical skills and innate “fuck off” vibe.

Juliet wins!

Plus Points:

+2: #8 Don’t fuck him.
+5: Take his drugs and then #8 don’t fuck him.
+2: Let him buy you a drink, say you have to go to the bathroom, and never return.
+3: Let him go down on you then “pass out.”
+1: Casual flirting with another guy while he’s looking. (-1 for being too obvious. Plastering your face to this other guy’s makes you a skank, not a winner.)
+1: Wait two hours to read his BBM, +1 again if you don’t respond.
+6: Make a bro your bitch. You’ve scored these points if he holds your purse while you’re in the bathroom.
+1: Invite him over, be elsewhere.
+3: Cut to the morning after. “Why are you still here?”
+2: The next girl he hooks up with is uglier than you. +3 if she’s fatter.
+3: He leaves a voicemail. Game over.
+2: Laugh when he tries to call you out or confront you for doing any of the above. +3 if it’s in public.

Minus Points:

-2: Initiate drunk sexting.
-2: Show emotion.
-4: Stalking, in cyber space and/or in real life.
-3: Calling him. NEVER CALL. If you have to pick up the phone he’s just not that into you.
-1: Friending him on Facebook.
-10: Using the word “boyfriend” in any sentence with his name after you’ve hooked up three times. You’re done.
-5: Deleting him from BBM. You care, you lose.
-10: Crying. Betches don’t cry… they get even.

Stop it! You're embarrassing yourself and losing the game!

The irony about the game, which most people refuse to acknowledge, is that you lose points simply by choosing to participate. The object of the game is to be the one who cares the least, and you still care enough to play. That being said, what else are we gonna do with our time?

For betches, winning isn’t about the quantity of guys you fuck, it’s about the quality of your manipulation tactics. Always watch your game because it only takes one public display of tears to be labeled a psycho and lose the game forever. Remember, nice guys finish last… nice girls don’t finish.

20. Clubbing

7 Mar

Thanksgiving Eve, New Year’s Eve, Memorial Day weekend, Tuesday. What do these have in common, besides being the days your grandma calls you? “No grandma, I’m not seeing anyone special”…Well, other than that “special guy” from down the hall who I fucked in the laundry room last weekend. No, these days are important because every betch knows that her presence at a nightclub is mandatory.

While betches are happy basically anywhere they can get drunk, clubs are especially near and dear to our hearts. Ever since that first dance floor hookup when we were just little Betches-in-Training going to teen clubs, we haven’t been able to spend enough time in these raging temples of house music, drugs, and debauchery. So what’s so great about clubs?

Absolutely nothing. For the “of age” betch, nothing is more infuriating than the wrath of underlings trying to squeeze their skinny asses into a seat at your friend’s table. Maybe the fun lies in getting to see every fucking kid you’ve ever met at Lauren and Brittany’s Birthday Bash!!! Finding out you actually have zero degrees of separation with a stranger is pretty exciting for about half a second before you immediately stop caring.

You're a doorman. DOORMAN.

So why do we keep going back for more? Simple answer. Exclusivity. While the crowd can sometimes be an annoyance, you realize that people you know are generally the fucking shit, so they would be at the same place as you. The mere thought of those less cool people clawing at the bouncer to show him their IDs makes our automatic entrance that much more special.

A classic comment overheard on the line at the door usually sounds something like… But it’s my friend Adam’s 21st birthday and he has a table! He just BBMed me and told me I’m on the list!

Dream on fatty, everyone knows a purple BBM ain’t worth shit.

Honestly, what’s NOT to love about an establishment that screens its entrants so the ugly girls can’t come in and guys are only welcome if they buy tables and multiple bottles that you get to drink?

And then there’s always that one betch in your bestie group who, for whatever reason, does not get in. Maybe she started shit with the bouncer, who really knows? That sucks, but it’s not your fucking problem. Sorry, but everyone knows that once you get to the bouncer it’s every betch for herself. Meet you at the bar around the corner in 45 minutes!! …and 3 hours.

Good for you if you know where this is.

If you’re cool enough to make it past the front door, it’s time for the next challenge. BATHROOMS. The whole “you can’t have two people in the same stall” shit reallyyyy fucks with our sharing practices. We all know sharing isn’t betchy, but on club nights we make special arrangements, so please, dear bathroom attendant, just let me do my fucking thing. I’ll tip you five dollars over minimum wage!

As a betch, you’ll likely know at least two club promoters in whatever city you’re in who will constantly text you, pleading with you to come to the latest openings. Often these promoters are just bros from high school who are trying to avoid getting a real summer job. But who’s keeping track anyway!? He’s promising you a night of free alcohol, possibly even dinner, along with the chance to meet hot guys and celebrities and dance the night away with your hottest besties! Those bros who bought a table will probably feel pretty cool since they’re hanging out with betches, but just remember that they’re basically paying $2,000 for this table just to have an excuse to talk to you. You thought your Balenciaga was an investment, this bro gets to spend almost 20 minutes with you!

A betch will tell you that the best clubs are in New York City or LA, followed by whatever city she #3 studied abroad in. In reality though, it’s not about the city you’re in, because just about every major city has sick clubs. The point is that the betch will always be found at the absolute hottest, most exclusive spot around. When you’re stuck behind that velvet rope, the party won’t be the only thing you’re missing that night.

Even though we’re die hard club-goers, we realize that the experience can sometimes fucking suck. But no matter how much we might shit on them, we love clubs, we are clubs, and clubs would be nothing without betches to fall dance all over their tables and couches. So, if you’re looking for one of us, we’ll probably be grinding the night away at the trendiest club of the moment, crossing our fingers that the Wall Street Bro getting us drunk was just joking about still living with his parents.

19. Ugly Hot

6 Mar

It goes without saying that a betch is very aware of her own beauty and hotness. We know that it’s never okay to stray from our #5 diets, and that even if your boyfriend gets fat, that’s never okay for you. Looking hot on top of having an amazing personality is what defines you.

However, we realize that in this world, there is somewhat of a double standard at work. Ever been perplexed by that bro from high school who had a string of gorgeous girlfriends even though he vaguely resembled Hagrid from Harry Potter? Or that guy who has fucked almost every girl you know despite that fact that his greasy dark hair makes him look like Tim Burton? This is because this bro possesses something, one of the most unspoken qualities that betches love. He is Ugly Hot.

Yum.

It’s very apparent that an Ugly Hot guy is not classically good looking. In fact, many people on the street might look at you and wonder why you’re with that guy who’s clearly well below your attractiveness level. However, he still has that certain redeeming quality. Most often he’s hysterical, insanely cool, thinks he’s hot shit (and he actually is), and generally just oozes bro-yness. Suddenly it becomes easier to ignore his crooked nose, weak chin, chubby body, etc. because you’re mesmerized by his Ugly Hot vibe.

Since we’re making an exception for ugly people, let’s be clear. Ugly Hot is not your ex-boyfriend’s 250-pound dad who’s delusional enough to think that his 22-year old model girlfriend wants him for anything other than his money. Ugly Hot is not about appearance, it has to do with the attitude with which a guy carries himself and, most importantly, his game. Why am I so attracted to this bro whose facial hair is merging with his chest hair? Definite sign of Ugly Hot.

Ugly Hot is Jamie Lynn Siegler dating Turtle from Entourage. (Sorry, we don’t know his real name because even though he’s improved, he still slightly below our Ugly Hot threshold. Awkward.) Ugly Hot is Russell Brand dating Katy Perry. Is it because he’s the hottest Katy Perry can get? Obvs not, the girl’s a betch and can get anyone. But we doubt there are many girls out there who wouldn’t love to chill with the guy from Forgetting Sarah Marshall who sings “Inside of You” while humping the ground. We’d find anything hysterical in that accent.

Maybe it’s his bad ass attitude, maybe it’s his funny nature, maybe it’s that you just don’t get why he wouldn’t return a phone call from someone as hot as you. Whatever the reason, Ugly Hot can be SOOOO hot.

Sadly, we’re pretty sure this doesn’t work the other way around. For girls, no matter how funny or smart you are, a bro probably won’t even talk to you long enough to unearth these qualities. So betches, if you’re lucky enough to snag yourself an Ugly Hot gem, hold onto him because it’s much better than a guy with a six-pack who makes you feel suicidal every time he speaks. After all, even Marilyn Manson managed to be engaged to Evan Rachel Wood for a little while.

Betch of the Week: Bethenny Frankel

4 Mar

Every betch’s favorite housewife is Bethenny Frankel. Not only was she on the classiest Housewives installment (besides Beverly Hills of course), but since she’s the ultimate betch, some brilliant producers decided to give her a reality spinoff. Betches love Bethenny because she says and does whatever the fuck she wants. It’s not called #1 talking shit when you say it to someone’s face…

Besides her involvement in the Housewives of New York City her claim to fame is as a “natural food chef.” What the hell does that mean? It means she’s in great demand to cook for ano betches! But what do ano betches eat? That’s right, nothing! Her entire empire is built on a betch’s favorite pastime, #5 dieting. Hence the reason why she also sells diet alcohol and makes serious bills doing it. I mean, selling your Skinny Girl Margs while SEVEN months pregnant!? That’s a true business betch. Although working hard is not something a betch is accustomed to, if your job is pimping out margaritas to women under 100 pounds, I’m pretty sure you’re not really working.

Betch looks hot.

Three weeks after giving birth to baby Bryn she posed in a size 4 bikini for US Weekly. She clearly knows it’s never okay to look fat, just when you thought pregnancy was the last legitimate excuse. Really. Tell us your secret… Oh wait you wrote three books about that… Perfect.

Now onto that husband of hers. JASON. Wow, he knows how to tame a betch. After three failed engagements, J managed to get a very knocked up B down the aisle. He has a betch’s favorite qualities like money and a huge penis, and he must be living off Xanax because he happily manages to put up with Bethenny’s 24/7 nonstop shit storm of bitching. Also, Jason is a total rando. Leave it to Bethenny to find NYC’s last hot single un-bro-y bro.

He even puts up with it when she bitches out her in-laws! A betch’s ultimate worst enemies are clearly her in-laws, especially the mother. Jason’s overbearing, Pennsylvania hick town parents do NOT do it for Bethenny and she is not afraid to let the world know. For those betches out there who are concerned that they’re TOO betchy to ever catch a husband, don’t worry, just follow Bethenny’s lead.

Bethenny’s outspoken personality and total betch attitude make her our favorite housewife and our Betch of the Week. We envy her amazing body and overall lifestyle. Who wouldn’t want to spend summers in the Hamptons Montauk (yeah… less of a scene, we know), be featured in magazines, and attend amazing events? She’s just the shit, and we can’t wait to see what’s next for our Betch of the Week Bethenny Frankel.

18. The Fuck Buddy

3 Mar

After a girl has been the #16 breakup betch for a while, the logical next step is to find someone new. However, as we’ve already described a betch in a relationship as a much lamer version of herself, having a fuck buddy is really the best of both worlds. It allows you to be your truest betch self while getting laid on a regular basis without having to deal with some miserable boyfriend around telling you that your crop top looks too slutty.

A betch knows that there are some times in her life when she can’t be tied down because there are just too many people out there who want to hook up with her. You can go out and rage, do whatever drugs you want, and not have to answer to fucking anyone. However, while guys can get off to a piece of fucking apple pie (Was it just a piece or was it the whole pie?), a girl has a much better time when a guy knows how to give her what she wants.

While we know there are a lot of dicks out there, some are more special than others. Betches like everything they do to be special and exclusive, even the things that go in us. But since we’re not about to date anyone, our established fuck buddies become VIPs, our Very Important Penises.

Better get yourself on a VIP list!

For a betch, having a VIP is just like making an investment (thanks for teaching us about the stock market dad!). You do a lot of research and carefully select who looks the most promising. In other words, he’s tall, has a penis on the larger side, and knows what the fuck he’s doing. We’re not trying to devirginize anyone here. Sometimes a betch has a few investments that are going great for her, that way she can choose who she wants at any given time. Every Wall Street asshole understands the importance of a diversified portfolio, and so does a betch. Just because we’re hot doesn’t mean we’re stupid. Feeling a slow and sensual tryst set to the tune of Boyz II Men? Call Todd! Looking to conquer the third floor of the library? Good thing Andrew’s around!

This also allows betches the freedom to explore as many options as we want, while still having consistent sex and minimizing our number. One might call them a friend with benefits, but unlike my actual friends who I would be there for in times of sickness and trouble, the only reason I would text my VIP when he’s ill would be to see if he’s gonna make it out tonight! They’re not really your friend, and maybe you talk occasionally, but if not for the sex, there would probably be little to no contact at all.

So bros, if you’re lucky enough to be a betch’s VIP, don’t worry about her excessive drunken BBMs, it’s just that she wants to fuck, and one of her other VIPs might not be answering at the moment. Just remember, if you secure a coveted spot on a betch’s VIP list, you should always RSVP in a timely fashion or next time you might not get in.

16. The Post-Breakup Betch

1 Mar

On the rare occasion that the #14 date over winter break or the summer turned into an actual relationship, a betch will sometimes temporarily become a less cool and pretty version of herself and be completely consumed by her boyfriend. Suddenly, she’d rather stay in and watch Casablanca than roll face at Tiesto. Weird, we know. No one wants to hear about how sexy her boyfriend’s bangs look pushed back, especially when they could be raging at the bars, drinking shooters and soaking up each other’s awesomeness.

The only thing better than a betch with a boyfriend is a betch without one. The post-breakup betch is very similar to the #7 token crazy friend who is fond of #5 diets, #10 Candyland, and bros. After all, the post-breakup period is a betch’s time to shine. The newly single betch needs to show all those bros, especially that asshole who let her go, that she’s single and ready to mingle.

While nice girls may be heartbroken over a recent relationship and do horrible things like binge eat and cry in fucking public, the betch is over it. Whatever, his nose was crooked, he had a small penis, wasn’t that rich, his hairline was receding, and he was too close with his mom. She has no need to drown her sorrows in Taco Bell or waste her time making up revenge fantasies, because she knows that she was better than him in every way and there’s always another bro around the corner.

The post break up period consists of a series of events designed to re-release the betch into the wild.

Step 1: The Breakup Diet. Some girls think a breakup gives them a free pass to stuff their face with chocolate and ignore their workout routine. A betch knows otherwise. There’s never an excuse to be a fat loser. She knows that she was too good for that dumb bastard who lured her in with lavish dinners at STK and bottle service at Tenjune. She will use this opportunity to become even hotter, if that’s possible. The Breakup Diet is your basic, run of the mill anorexia/exercise bulimia assisted by a liberal intake of Adderall.

Step 2: Deleting Your Ex-Bro from BBM. This is critical because you will avoid #14 Sunday Morning Regrets by drunk BBMing him whilst blackout which could possibly embarrass you. Extra betch points for embarrassing him in public. Making him cry at the bars is a classic.

Step 3: Being (or Appearing to Be) a Ho Fosho. Wear your sluttiest freshman year outfits that border between nudity and prostitution immediately following the breakup. A betch knows she looks good naked, now it’s time for someone else to. This will also come in handy when posing with every bro in a ten-foot radius of her at the bars who she #8 hasn’t (or maybe has) already fucked, while her betches (perhaps secretly) snap pics. It goes without saying that her ex is creepily lingering in a peripheral area attempting to make eye contact while she shoots him a look that says, “you can go shave your back now.”

Step 4: Defriending Your Ex-Bro on Facebook. Of course, a true betch only does this after Sunday. Sunday, glorious, Sunday. The unofficial day for betches everywhere to upload their pictures from the weekend of debauchery into Facebook albums aptly named something along the lines of “Grundle Sweat is for Winners” or some other nonsensical and clearly inappropriate title. The point of waiting until after Sunday is to show her ex how crazy her weekend was, with 50+ photos of her practically nude, surrounded by hotter, cooler bros.

When all is said and done, the post-breakup period is a wonderful time for a betch and her besties. She returns to her former glory while her ex-bro unsuccessfully patrols the freshman bars for a less hot version of her to take to his formal.

For the unfortunate bro who let a true betch slip away, beware, you’re not dealing with a nice girl. She will make you more hated than Mel Gibson performing a Chris Brown song while wearing Ed Hardy at a Hitler Youth Convention.

15. Justin Bieber

1 Mar

You’re sitting there, your face and body are getting all hot and tingly, you start breaking out in a cold sweat, your heart is racing, and you’re trying to fight back the smile spreading across your face, but you can’t. It’s too late, you’ve come down with a case of Bieber Fever and there’s nothing from #10 Candyland to cure it.

We all have that friend who’s absolutely adored him from day one and has been begging you to see Never Say Never in 3D for months now. You agreed, not because you wanted to see what all the hype was about, but because Betch of the Week Chelsea Handler loves and flirts with him. Maybe you can even do a funny #6 mobile upload with those 3D glasses on, and if not, it’s still a great excuse to smoke weed and see a movie. Whatever.

You soon find yourself sitting in the theater, unable to contain yourself. The second you see the Biebs, you’re brainwashed like Derek Zoolander by fucking Mugatu. Then it comes to the slow motion hair flip. GAME OVER. You’ve lost it and you have full on Bieber Fever.

Dad in the back thinking: SHUT THE FUCK UP BETCHES! I just wanna hear Bieber!

Then you see Biebs singing to that girl on stage during “One Less Lonely Girl.” You find yourself in a jealous rage and you’re screaming in a theater full of tweens and their moms, “BETCH, THAT BOY IS MINE!!!!” …And now your friend who dragged you to the movie is being an even bigger betch because she’s all like, “Uhhh, told ya so. I take all the credit because I discovered him first.” And you’re all like, “whatever, betch.”

Now you go home, purchase every song he’s ever sang and hit up YouTube to watch every interview and video he’s ever made. And now you and all of your friends are posting Bieber-related posts on each other’s Facebooks. Bieber or Die.

What IS it that makes him so cute? That hair. That smile. That voice. He’s such a flirt and a ladies’ man. There should be a new word to describe attraction to Justin Bieber. BACK THE FUCK OFF, SELENA. Is it weird that we’re actually attracted to him? Uhh, no, he’s a heartthrob, so what if it makes you a certified cougar? Okay, so it’s creepy. I don’t care. It’s Justin. Pelvic thrust.

You want to know everything and anything Bieber, but one day, when you’re at the gym because you’re obvi on a #5 diet (Spring Break soon!), you glance at CNN and you almost fall off the treadmill. They’re saying that Bieber cut his hair! Legitimate news sources are calling this breaking news. This is an epidemic. RIP Hair Flip.

Egypt what? Protests in Libya?

The minute you get home you immediately Google his new haircut. Fuck showering. You mourn the Hair Flip for a few minutes, but like… boy still looks good, for real. Then you find out he’s selling his hair for charity (see, he’s soo nice!), and you decide this is where you cross the line and anyone who buys it is certifiable, even though you secretly want to sleep with a lock of his hair under your pillow.

We understand that bros are jealous. They should be. Overheard by a betch last weekend: “Justin Bieber is the only guy who does it for me”…her boyfriend was standing right next to her. For all you haters, just embrace it. It’s only a matter of time until you’re infected.

So, Happy 17th Birthday Justin!! Only 365 days until I can legally seduce you. Unless of course we’re in Canada, where the legal age of consent is 14. Yeah, I Googled it, judge me. I’m gonna go put on my purple American Apparel hoodie, peace.

14. Going on Dates

28 Feb

A lot of scary things happen when a betch goes out and isn’t drunk enough. Usually she’ll be like, really bored and chilling with her best friend, her Blackberry, which is okay because she’s sober enough to avoid sending embarrassing BBMs. But on some rare occasions, she’s actually socializing with people she may not know in a somewhat coherent way. There’s a first time for everything…

As is typical when a betch goes out, some guy will ask for her number. Surprisingly, you receive a text the next day at 2pm rather than 2am so you know something is up. He wants to take you on a date or “go for drinks.” Naturally, he texts you rather than calls to avoid the possibility that you and your besties have already nicknamed him “lanky button down man,” and that he will be laughed right off the phone. Also, he’s naturally intimidated by your blatantly oozing vibe that you are better than him.

Betches love dates because it gives them a chance to get dressed up and provides hours of opportunities just to talk about themselves. Also, free dinner! While a nice girl would be anxious about a first date, you’re not because you’re a betch and you don’t give a shit.

Many times, these dates occur over winter break or during the summer since everyone at college knows your entire sexual history and thus is unlikely to want to discuss it over dinner with you. This is great if you’ve been bad about #8 not fucking bros lately. But every betch knows the cardinal rule: never put out on a first date.

A first date usually winds up like this. You get there first. This is essential because it means you can sit at the bar and flirt with some other guy, knowing your date will see this when he arrives. All betches know that jealousy is a powerful emotion. He gets there, and things are rather awkward at first. You order a salad and a vodka soda. Forty-five minutes and four vodka sodas later things are looking up. This guy has gotten a lot hotter and you’re impressed by his hysterical stories from when he was #3 abroad in Rome. You bond over how overrated the Sistine Chapel was. After this he picks up the check (Side note: if he fucking doesn’t, you immediately #9 nickname him “Po’ Boy” and delete him from your phone), and he tells you he’d love to see you next weekend. Why wouldn’t he? You’d date yourself if you could!

Scenario C: The guy is so boring that you pass the fuck out.

Alternate endings:

Scenario A: If after five drinks you realize he’s not that attractive, and you can’t stop focusing on the disproportionate size of his ears, or if he uses nauseating terms of endearment like “beautiful” (a betch knows how hot she is, you don’t need to keep telling her), you tell him it was really nice to meet him and give him a kiss on the cheek, and head out to meet your betches at a club. It’s always best to accept a date with a backup plan for later.

Scenario B: If however, he’s kind of an asshole (read: Bro) and gives off the vibe that he might not call you back, you immediately make moves to prolong the date. As he walks you to a cab, you play coy but accept his invitation to go to another bar or chill at his apartment. This is usually followed by a lengthy makeout sesh, after which you get home and await his call 1-3 days later. The more unsure you are of his impending call, the hotter he gets and the more you build up a relationship in your head, envisioning drama and hot makeup sex.

All in all, when you get asked out on a date, it’s poor etiquette to say no. Assuming the guy isn’t heinous, you should say yes because betches are really good people at heart, and we wouldn’t want to deprive someone else of getting acquainted with the best person we know.

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