Tag Archives: #BSCB

25. The Betch Arch Nemesis

16 Mar

Although betches usually have lots of besties around, we don’t always feel the most positive vibe toward betches we don’t know that well, or those outside of our circle. It’s not that we necessarily dislike them or have anything bad to say about them, it’s just that it’s rare that we would have anything particularly nice to say about them. It’s kind of an ambiguous disinterest, trending toward the negative. It’s an unspoken truth that girls don’t really like other girls.

However, there are certain instances or actions when a betch crosses you in the wrong way and winds up on your Wish You Didn’t Exist List (WYDEL). This is the one kind of exclusive list that no betch is trying to get on.

What are some of the membership benefits of WYDEL?

You always have a #9 nickname for an arch nemesis, and it’s always something really negative, either relating to your personal beef with her or her appearance. Like maybe she looks like a blowfish and conveniently blew your ex-boyfriend, so you affectionately call her Hootie.

Any mention of a girl on your WYDEL triggers an immediate “ugh, I hate that bitch, I wish she didn’t fucking exist,” usually followed by exaggerated stories of your encounters with her, all of which make her look like a complete psycho. Next you move onto the classic face and body criticisms and an array of highly unrealistic secrets you claim to have heard about her. If you’re a less vocal betch, you’ll probably go with the simple, “bitch is fug.” Either way, the automatic response from the bestie group will be, “yeah, she sucks.”

The besties are sooo bored of hearing this. They’ve already heard it five or six times… today.

But there are some betches who get sooo proficient at hating their arch nemesis that any time her name is mentioned in passing, they immediately turn into a hilaaaaarious one-woman show, complete with a list of reasons why this person sucks, plus imitations, role-playing and a monologue. Betches have turned hating into an art form. No bestie can resist the “I Hate Nikki” Variety Hour.

So how does someone go from being your run-of-the-mill ambiguously disliked fellow betch, to the girl you daydream about gaining 80 pounds and working at Dairy Queen? Ah, let me count the ways.

The Ex-BFF: The Ex-BFF is the Paris and Nicole, Jill Zarin and Bethenny, the Heidi and LC. Potential reasons for the falling out: the arch nemesis became extremely lame and obsessed with her boyfriend, got wayyy prettier than you, #1 talked shit about you behind your back, didn’t defend you when her boyfriend called you fat, blah blah blah.

This is often awkward if it’s someone who’s still in your inner circle, so she better hope she doesn’t do something to piss off the rest of the group. Note to Ex-BFF: One arch nemesis in the group, you can maybe survive. Two, you’re dunzo. Say hello to Saturday nights reading your Kindle with Ben and Jerry. Let’s hope the tide doesn’t turn that way.

The Girl Who’s Fucking The Guy You Used To Fuck/The Girl Who Used To Fuck The Guy You’re Currently Fucking: This one is kind of self-explanatory. These girls are Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie.

Anyone can be this girl, so here’s our advice to you: don’t underestimate the power of a betch who doesn’t need to pretend to be nice to you in any sort of social setting. As soon as she finds out your name and stalks you on Facebook, you’re on the WYDEL.

Once a betch has made you her arch nemesis, she’ll be the one you encounter at the bar who’s shooting you death stares while pointing and laughing at you with her friends. Consider yourself lucky. That’s only because she can’t get close enough to spill her drink on you. If you’re dealing with a serious betch, you might even get yourself punched in the face. While some may say this is unladylike, whoever said betches were fucking ladies?

The Roomie Fallout: This situation is Sammi Sweetheart and every other girl on Jersey Shore. You never know how much you hate a betch until you fucking live with her. You may think you’re BFF, but cut to six months later, you’re seriously considering burning all her shoes while she’s at the gym.

Why would you have a falling out with a roommate? Either she’s really disgusting, a secret sociopathic #7 BSCB, she has an annoying boyfriend, or she won’t stop complaining to you about all her fucking problems. Helloooo, read the last post!

You find yourself strategizing when she’ll be in the apartment so you can do things to annoy her, or completely avoid her. When you find yourself wishing you were roommates with the uni-bomber instead of this girl, just start so much shit with her that she moves out, or you have grounds to evict her. You’re a true betch (and bitch!) if you succeed in having this roomie move out. Now the fun part is deciding what to turn her room into. I would turn it into my closet if it wasn’t still infected with your former presence. Drug den anyone? Peace, loser.

If found on a betch’s WYDEL, you should make serious moves to get yourself off that shit. Wanna know what happens when you think you can pull one over on a betch? Just ask Nancy Kerrigan.

The Bat Shit Crazy Spring Break Story Challenge

6 Mar

A betch loves anyone who loves her, so as the writers of this site, we’ve become kind of attached to our betchy fans, even if we don’t actually know who the fuck you are.

With Spring Break upon us, we know it’s going to be a ridiculous fucking time and we can’t wait to tell you all of the hazy and probably inaccurate details. Everyone loves a Spring Break rant from a Valium-addled mind, and we want to hear your stories.

We invite you to enter the Bat Shit Crazy Spring Break Story Challenge. We understand the drug wars in Mexico have been kind of a pain in the ass this year, but if Acapulco taught us anything, it’s that those drugs were worth dying for. Since Pulco’s unfortunately out this year, Puerto Vallarta betches, this is your chance to shit on Club Imagine.

No matter your destination, you’re on Spring Break, so get in touch with your inner #7 BSCB and send us a story of the betchiest thing that happened to you and your besties. The more crazy, funny, and NC-17-rated, the fucking BETTER. Embellish all you want, change names and details, we don’t care as long as your shit’s hysterical.

Email us at iloveme.confessions@gmail.com with Bat Shit Crazy Story in the Subject line. Submissions are due by March 28th and the winning story will be posted shortly after.

All submissions can remain anonymous and will be posted anonymously unless you specify that you’d like your name attached to it. But keep in mind that if you’re fine with having yourself publicly named the winner of the Bat Shit Crazy SB Story Challenge, your shit probably isn’t good enough to win.

Pressures on, betches.

RIP Pulco.

You can also submit your stories here…

10. Candyland

23 Feb

Sometimes our drug dealers are on vacation too lazy to deliver (to my dealer: this is not how you run a business!) so illegal drugs are just too hard to find and we have to cut our losses and screw the hard stuff. Let’s talk prescription pills.

Some of us betches may be lucky enough to have a doctor who hands out prescriptions like he’s a fucking candy man (note to self: be friends with this betch). For the rest us, aside from raiding your daddy’s medicine cabinet during Thanksgiving break, finding these candies isn’t too hard, so let’s give you a run down of a betch’s favorite party favors:

Xanax: Oh my gosh. How am I going to go out tonight when FedEx hasn’t delivered my new boots yet?! Massive anxiety attack! Must pop a xany now! Mix it up with a little alcohol and we’ve got the perfect potion for a night of blackout destruction (less drinking! So good for the #5 diet!).

Klonopin: A little stronger than Xanax, this one takes longer to kick in, but is well worth the wait. Your #7 token crazy friend will probably have a stash.

Adderall: Also know as “Diet Coke,” this is by far a betch’s favorite study buddy… aside from that Asian in your Art History class who sends you all his work. From the library during finals week, to your desk at Goldman Sachs, this betch candy is all around us in plentiful amounts. (Are there really people who do any real work without it?) In addition to stopping you from watching Holly’s World when your paper is due in three hours, Adderall makes food your worst enemy, and convinces your brain that you’d like to be a real person, at least until the 20 mg XR wears off.

Vodka Soda Mountain is just across the Adderall River and through the Vicodin Woods

Valium/Vicodin/Percocets: You don’t see these very often in your day-to-day drug trafficking among your besties, but here’s where to look: find the betch who just had her nose or chin done, the one who just got her wisdom teeth out, or the really hard core drug bro who takes all of the above at one time. Let’s talk about the perks of percs: why take a jello shot when your entire body can feel like jello? Yay percs! When you do come across these candies, if you’re looking to do a trade, each of these pills is worth several Adderall, Xanax, and/or Klonopin. We call this the betch trail mix.

Ambien: Take this to fall asleep after your Adderall, or engage your besties in a competition to see who can stay awake on it the longest without hallucinating.

Most importantly, when you’re on spring break in some third world country, make sure to Google where the nearest farmacia is beforehand. A smart betch always makes good use of her Google maps! Just don’t get caught smuggling anything across the border at JFK…

*Alternate form of pill intake: crush and snort

7. Token Crazy Friend

22 Feb

Although betches all have certain things in common, there are some betches that stand out and are different than the others. Every friend group can and should have one of these people. She is the token Bat Shit Crazy Betch. In addition to providing entertainment, the BSCB serves to make the rest of us feel like we are normal. She is defined by her superior abilities to #1 talk shit, she has really funny stories, and make us seem nice to guys, at least in comparison to the BSCB. The BSCB persona can take many forms, but typically possesses the following qualities:

BSCB will never go to rehab, no no no

Compulsive Need to Rage: While all betches are almost always down to rage, the BSCB gives this an entire new meaning. She’s usually the betch that lost her virginity in 7th grade, regularly pounds shots at 10am while everyone else is taking turns vomming from their hangovers (or breakfast, whatever), and did lines behind her laptop in freshman year econ. This betch is your favorite betch to party with, has fucked upwards of 40 bros, and generally serves to make other betches feel like their insane habits are normal.

Psycho Breakdowns/Tantrums: Another type of BSCB most likely has some sort of real and diagnosable but untreated psychiatric disorder, be this OCD/ADD/manic depression/anxiety/ is generally fucking nuts. She may appear normal most of the time… until she starts sporadically crying in the midst of studying at the library, or when Bachelor Brad eliminates the wrong girl.

Sociopathic Tendencies: One of the most dangerous betches is a sociopath/borderline/pure evil. This betch is stealthy and comes off as completely normal, but she has some seriously evil plans for destruction. While most betches are harmless and just generally awesome, the sociopath BSCB allows her boredom and/or insane ambitions to get in the way of living life like the rest of us. Think Regina George or Tracy Flick. Watch out for this betch or she’ll steal your boyfriend, your dignity, and your self-esteem. Make sure you’re either cool enough to ball this betch out, or you better be on her fucking good side.

While the BSCBs all have their flaws, they also serve their purpose. Besides being extremely entertaining, these betches make us feel better about ourselves and are wayyyyy more fun to hang out with than those boring nice girls betch-haters. WE LOVE YOU BSCBs!!!!

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