Tag Archives: #charlie sheen

24. Insensitivity

15 Mar

“I don’t understand what I did wrong except live a life that everyone is jealous of.” – Charlie Sheen

Although betches don’t necessarily idolize Charlie Sheen, we’re extremely impressed by his ability to say whatever the fuck he wants and not care what anyone thinks. Just like Charlie, this would be our first instinct in response to someone complaining that we only care about ourselves and are insensitive to others’ issues. We really admire him for having the balls to not pretend like he gives a shit about anyone. He’s also our favorite member of the #17 Lucky Sperm Club.

Unfortunately, betches don’t get to share their insensitivity with the entire nation like Charlie does, although we would appreciate the ability to have the media hanging on our every word. We’re jealous betches.

It’s not that betches don’t care about the world, we just care about other shit first. We’re deeply sensitive about the earthquake in Japan, as long as we don’t have to discuss it until after the final rose is handed out on The Bachelor.

Our insensitivity is pretty much reserved for the annoying and insignificant complaints of fellow betches. There’s nothing worse than listening to other people’s issues, especially ones that are clearly not important to you, not in your control, and/or not worth your valuable time.

Aww, sorry you got a bad grade on your test! It’s not my fault you’re against taking Adderall, bitch.

I’m sorry your boyfriend broke up with you for the third time this week… do I look like your fucking therapist? I would love to help you figure out the exact moment when your relationship fell apart, but I’m too busy living my life.

You can’t find your passport and our plane’s leaving in an hour? Thank God! I was wondering how I was gonna get out of rooming with you on Spring Break!

This lack of sensitivity is actually empowering and allows us to be more powerful women in society. Who wants the CEO of their company crying over some measly lawsuit? We totally understand why people don’t want a woman president! No one wants to watch the State of the Union and see some dumb bitch crying over the deficit. Unfortunately we didn’t catch that this year, we had to hit up happy hour that day because it interfered with our usual primetime shows.

When a betch’s bitching is getting to you, just take a deep breath and recite the betch mantra: YOUR PROBLEM IS NOT MY PROBLEM. Next time you see the girl in your English class crying because she doesn’t like the other girls in your group project, your first instinct should be to giggle, rather than console.

The only time it’s considered acceptable for a betch to cry is when she’s wasted, and still, this is restricted to private spaces ONLY. So when you’re looking for a shoulder to cry on, the last one you should look for is that of a fellow betch. We’re pretty sure Stalin’s besties weren’t complaining to him about how their army uniform didn’t go with their purse gun satchel. Even back then they knew not to waste the precious time of people who matter.

If we wanted to give a shit about anyone besides ourselves, we’d get knocked up. At least that person would share our DNA.

17. The Lucky Sperm Club

2 Mar

Although betches are generally obsessed with themselves, it gets tiring to constantly think only about oneself. We sometimes have to take a break and focus on others, and since a betch never thinks about anyone less cool than her, fortunately we have numerous celebrities whom we love and admire. But there are no celebrities that we find more intriguing than the members of the Lucky Sperm Club. Think Paris Hilton, the Kardashians, the entire Royal Family.

Betches love anyone from the Lucky Sperm Club. No amount of hard work will get you into the LSC. Being a member of the LSC requires being born into a family where someone else (perhaps generations ago) had legitimate talent, and even though you’re only questionably competent, you have the chance to automatically be well-liked, famous, and rich.

Not all members of the LSC are created equal. Some have more talent than others (Drew Barrymore, Gwyneth Paltrow, Charlie Sheen, the Smith children) and we often forget that they were even the spawn of legends. Or sometimes we just don’t care how talented you are, and the less obvious the reason for your fame, the more interested we are in finding out everything about you. We’re talking about Paris Hilton, everyone from The Hills, the Kardashians, Ivanka Trump, Rumer Willis, Suri Cruise (you’re three years old and already a fashion icon?) and our personal favorite, the Royal Family.

Why so much respect for the Royal Family? It’s because they’re somehow able to personify class, even as they’ve continued to milk their family’s money and status for centuries. This is the true essence of what it means to be in the LSC. But royalty is the shit because they also manage to keep relatively private, unlike the multitude of fame whores who comprise this group. They’ve mastered the art of hard to get, which is the key to every betch’s heart. As much as Prince Harry is the black sheep media whore in the fam, you’d never see a royal in even the classiest Chanel ad. Unlike Kim Kardashian who gets paid by the amount of perfume bottles she sells, the Royal Family gets paid by every citizen in the United Kingdom just to be who they are. Imagine having an entire nation taxed so you can have a ski home in Switzerland! They’re also the only ones besides Madonna who can get away with no one knowing what their last name is.

We love tons of celebrities, but there’s a special place in our hearts for the LSC. They’re sooo entertaining, and there’s nothing more exciting than finding out one of them got a DUI or has a sex tape. It’s important to note that all of these celebrities will claim to have earned their success based on their talent and hard work, because starring in a reality show where cameras follow you to Anguilla is just like working 22 hours a day at an investment bank.

What we do admire is their unwarranted sense of self-love because as betches, it’s an emotion we can totally connect with. As LSC President Paris Hilton once said, “I get half a million just to show up at parties. My life is like, really, really fun.” This is what betches aspire to, and regardless of their attitudes toward it, we still admire their lifestyle, if only because it involves partying, being skinny, and getting to design their own clothes.

%d bloggers like this: