Tag Archives: #Chelsea Handler

27. Tanning

4 Apr

For three seasons of the year, betches march to the beat of their own drums. Our days are shaped by the classes we may or may not attend, yoga, and other various hobbies that we do whenever our hangovers allow us to keel out of bed and go to drunk brunch with our besties. But when summer arrives and the temperature goes above 75 degrees, our daily routines are shaped by only one thing. Tanning.

While in high school we were busy skipping class and getting iced coffee for lunch, there were some valuable lessons we made sure to pick up in Earth Science.

Lesson 1: Solar Fucking Noon.

Any betch can tell you that prime tanning hours are between 10am and 2pm. On a prime tanning day, waking up after 11:30 is a crime. Unless you want to be the palest betch at formal you better get your ass up and to the pool chairs that have the most sun exposure.

“Save me a seat, I’m comingggg” yawns your bestie who’s still sleeping as you sneak out to get a few precious minutes on her. Good luck betch, I’m hoping in the time it takes you to find your own beach chair you’ll end the day with Vampire Bill’s complexion.

Once all of your besties are laying poolside, #1 talking shit, and reading Betch of the Week Chelsea Handler books, the fun begins. There’s nothing betchier than the race to see who can appear darkest at the end of the day. Every betch has her own tanning style. Some girls go for the bandeau while others welcome their tan lines as a message that “yes, I’m white, I’m just like, really, really tan.”

Jealous Pasty Betch sneakily applies SPF to Seal

Unfortunately we all know that tanning sometimes gets a bad rap. “You’re like totally gonna get skin cancer and look like a leather pocketbook by the time you’re forty!” whines the JPB (Jealous Pasty Betch, aka the betch who gets sunburnt in less time than it takes to get through an US Weekly article). She’ll go on and on about how unhealthy it is to tan, simultaneously applying SPF 70 and smoking a cigarette. Shut up and lay off the fucking sunscreen, Whitey. I mean, everyone knows even red is better than white.

Every betch knows it’s important to focus on all areas of your body while tanning, as your tan should be flawless and glowing. For this reason, it’s important to keep to a weekly schedule that helps you focus on various areas over the course of the week. Having anxiety about an even tan? Introducing Tan Your Back Sundays.

All week betches work hard to wake up early, scrambling to get iced coffee and music to prepare for the days of tanning our fronts, all before 10am. This can get really stressful. Enter Tan Your Back Sunday. TYBS is a day to unwind from a long week of lounging and raiding the snacks and alcohol in your besties’ pool house. You’re probably hungover so feel free to sleep on your stomach, ignore your BBMs, and hopefully wake up dark enough that your race is ambiguous.

Matthew McConaughey gets competitive on Tan Your Back Sunday

Besides being the fattest betch in the room, being the palest betch will often garner a lot of shit-talking about you, and wayyyyy fewer “you look so tan!!!!!!” compliments (NOOOO!!!). So beware betches, the early bird catches the most powerful toxic UV rays. You may not know the date of the only lunar eclipse in the last 200 years, but you better be cautious of the sun’s angle at 1:35 and which direction to rotate your chair. Be ignorant, and mourn the loss of a tan left pinky toe forever.

15. Justin Bieber

1 Mar

You’re sitting there, your face and body are getting all hot and tingly, you start breaking out in a cold sweat, your heart is racing, and you’re trying to fight back the smile spreading across your face, but you can’t. It’s too late, you’ve come down with a case of Bieber Fever and there’s nothing from #10 Candyland to cure it.

We all have that friend who’s absolutely adored him from day one and has been begging you to see Never Say Never in 3D for months now. You agreed, not because you wanted to see what all the hype was about, but because Betch of the Week Chelsea Handler loves and flirts with him. Maybe you can even do a funny #6 mobile upload with those 3D glasses on, and if not, it’s still a great excuse to smoke weed and see a movie. Whatever.

You soon find yourself sitting in the theater, unable to contain yourself. The second you see the Biebs, you’re brainwashed like Derek Zoolander by fucking Mugatu. Then it comes to the slow motion hair flip. GAME OVER. You’ve lost it and you have full on Bieber Fever.

Dad in the back thinking: SHUT THE FUCK UP BETCHES! I just wanna hear Bieber!

Then you see Biebs singing to that girl on stage during “One Less Lonely Girl.” You find yourself in a jealous rage and you’re screaming in a theater full of tweens and their moms, “BETCH, THAT BOY IS MINE!!!!” …And now your friend who dragged you to the movie is being an even bigger betch because she’s all like, “Uhhh, told ya so. I take all the credit because I discovered him first.” And you’re all like, “whatever, betch.”

Now you go home, purchase every song he’s ever sang and hit up YouTube to watch every interview and video he’s ever made. And now you and all of your friends are posting Bieber-related posts on each other’s Facebooks. Bieber or Die.

What IS it that makes him so cute? That hair. That smile. That voice. He’s such a flirt and a ladies’ man. There should be a new word to describe attraction to Justin Bieber. BACK THE FUCK OFF, SELENA. Is it weird that we’re actually attracted to him? Uhh, no, he’s a heartthrob, so what if it makes you a certified cougar? Okay, so it’s creepy. I don’t care. It’s Justin. Pelvic thrust.

You want to know everything and anything Bieber, but one day, when you’re at the gym because you’re obvi on a #5 diet (Spring Break soon!), you glance at CNN and you almost fall off the treadmill. They’re saying that Bieber cut his hair! Legitimate news sources are calling this breaking news. This is an epidemic. RIP Hair Flip.

Egypt what? Protests in Libya?

The minute you get home you immediately Google his new haircut. Fuck showering. You mourn the Hair Flip for a few minutes, but like… boy still looks good, for real. Then you find out he’s selling his hair for charity (see, he’s soo nice!), and you decide this is where you cross the line and anyone who buys it is certifiable, even though you secretly want to sleep with a lock of his hair under your pillow.

We understand that bros are jealous. They should be. Overheard by a betch last weekend: “Justin Bieber is the only guy who does it for me”…her boyfriend was standing right next to her. For all you haters, just embrace it. It’s only a matter of time until you’re infected.

So, Happy 17th Birthday Justin!! Only 365 days until I can legally seduce you. Unless of course we’re in Canada, where the legal age of consent is 14. Yeah, I Googled it, judge me. I’m gonna go put on my purple American Apparel hoodie, peace.

Betch of the Week: Chelsea Handler

25 Feb

“I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.” Chelsea Handler

There is NO ONE betches love more than Chelsea Handler. That’s because she embodies everything we aspire to be and more. What’s not to love about Chelsea? She has her own late night talk show where she gets to #1 talk shit about celebrities and gets paid for it. She’s written three hysterical books where all she talks about is having sex and being drunk and making fun of her dad. Chelsea tells it like it is. She’s like, really pretty, and she doesn’t give a fuck what anyone thinks about her…. All qualities that the ultimate betch possesses. A job where you get to rehash your blackout nights while making fun of D-List celebrities to their faces!? Sign us the fuck up! Today is Chelsea’s 36th birthday and we can honestly say that even though she’s old as fuck, there’s still no one we’d rather be than her! HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHELSEA!!!

Actual event. This picture is not staged. Note: the books.

Now, betches don’t have any issues with people who read books for fun. But while fucking nice girls spend their summers reading Jodi Picoult’s My Sister’s Keeper while crying alone in their rooms, and our dads read some boring political shit (Side note: as it turns out, Freakonomics is not about some wild #7 BSCB), betches spend their time reading three books: My Horizontal Life, Are You There Vodka, it’s Me, Chelsea! and Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang. We are SOOO excited for May 10th when Lies that Chelsea Told Me is released and we’ll have something to occupy ourselves while we’re tanning by the pool.

Chelsea Handler is like, the funniest betch alive. Pretty much all of her quotes could be related to shit betches love. Here are some of our faves:

“My mother told me that life isn’t always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.”

“Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It’s just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you’re a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you’re with immediately starts text messaging her friends, you have a small penis.”

For all these reasons, Chelsea is our Betch of the Week. If you have any suggestions for next week’s favorite betch, feel free to leave a comment or tweet it to us! http://www.twitter.com/betchesluvthis

Finally, in the spirit of last night’s #11 Jersey Shore post, the only funnier commentary on the show than ours is clearly Chelsea’s.

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