Tag Archives: #diets

Betch of the Week: Kate Middleton

30 Apr

This week’s Betch of the Week should come as no surprise. Yes betches, we were awake at 5am the other night for the one #2 newsworthy broadcast of the decade, and ever since our first glimpse of Kate Middleton in the most unreal wedding dress EVER, we’ve been obsessed.

We know we throw this term around a lot, but Kate Middleton is THE ultimate betch. Once a “commoner,” Kate went off to college like any other girl and somehow, being the luckiest person in the entire world, found herself the ultimate bro boyfriend. Now it’s just a matter of years until she’s the Queen of fucking England.

It must have been hard for William to explain this photo to the Queen.

How did she catch Prince Wills? By dressing like a slut in a fashion show, and probably having some great fucking game.

Cut back to 2007. “Waity Katie” managed to completely circumvent getting a job and avoid all the pains of post-grad betchdom in the way only the finest members of the #17 Lucky Sperm Club can. Minor issue… a Kate and Wills breakup! But Kate played the #16 post breakup betch like a fucking champ, spending her days shopping for shoes and dresses and shit, so the tabloids could comment on how hot she looked when she went out #20 clubbing with other famous bros who just “happened” to be friends with Will! She let the paparazzi snap a few pics of her out partying and loving life, which obvs pissed Will off (jealous prince!), because we all know how the fairy tale ends. She fucking #32 won.

Now Kate gets to live in a palace and generally just chill for the rest of her life as a professional fashion icon. No matter what she does or wears or says, the media buys that shit like it’s the fucking gospel. Designers literally beg her to wear their clothes! They made her into a Barbie! They’ve even named a hairstyle after her, called “The Kate.” Do they really not expect anyone to notice that we’ve all worn this so-called “style” before?

Look at that jealous betch in the corner.


Oh em geeeeee how do they get her hair to look like that!? It’s called a blow dryer and hot rollers, assholes.

We’re also jealous of Kate because no one will stop talking about how fucking #5 skinny she is. We get it, we’ve all been watching E!, but they’re not even accusing her of having an eating disorder when they mention her 23-inch waist! No American celebrity could dream of such positive press attention, but lucky for Kate, the Brits know how to shut the fuck up and respect royalty. Still, show me a picture of Kate and I’ll suddenly remember why I haven’t eaten in twelve hours.

Also, that engagement ring.

So thank you, Kate Middleton. Aside from being an inspiration to betches all around the world for your beauty and poise, you also gave us an excuse to hang out in #10 Candyland until 7am on a Thursday night.

35. Sorority Rush

27 Apr

Tons of betches love the Greek system, but there is no part of being in a sorority that betches love more than sorority rush.

Why? It’s an institutionalized opportunity to do our favorite betchy activities! Namely, endless amounts of #1 shit talking, organized judging of people we don’t know, getting dressed up, and pretending to be nice to people for our own social advancement. While in high school it was considered lame to label your group of friends with a #9 nickname (the salacious seven, the hawt hoes, foxy five, etc.), in college you throw a couple of Greek letters into the mix and voila! You’ve social climbed yourself at least another rank on the ladder! Having trouble meeting friends? Just give this national and college-sponsored organization upwards of $1000 a semester and you’ve got “sisters” for life! Not only are you given about a hundred automatic besties but there’s now a whole new slew of people to #1 talk shit about all day long.

But how do we select these lovely ladies who, by contract, are obligated to be our sisters? That’s right. Sorority rush. The role of every betch during rush is to look the hottest she can while still pretending to be classy. The only issue is that you’re not allowed to talk about boys or alcohol, so you might as well tell girls that they have to pee standing up, because there’s really nothing else in their conversation repertoire. The only thing I care about less than the #2 news is your fucking major and the fact that you skiied in Aspen over winter break.

Does blowing my "sister's" boyfriend count as service?

So maybe you and your soroslut sister haven’t been speaking for months because you both hooked up with each other’s boyfriends. Come sorority rush this is as evident to the incoming freshmen as the fact that we’re rating them on a scale of 1-5 as soon as they leave.

Betches, remember, sorority rush is crunch time. So put your ugly sisters in the kitchen, put aside the fact that you hate 80% of the girls around you with a fiery passion, and any sense of morality about deceiving others (Hello Hitler Youth!). This is no time for truth, honesty and virtue, this is sorority fucking rush.

The following is an actual rush dress code from an actual sorority, in case you thought we woke up looking like that.

RUSH DRESS CODE 2011

Below is the dress code for each day. Please make sure to look very nice, put together, clean and professional everyday. Please be prepared to show us your outfits at the beginning of the week so we may approve them. As much as we don’t like to admit it, rush is a very superficial process, and looking good is as important as what we say. The Potential New Members (PNMs) spend a tremendous amount of time picking out their outfits trying to impress us, so it’s only fair that we show the same respect to them.

Not allowed at any time during rush: sneakers, Uggs, watches, sweatshirts/zip-ups, t-shirts, torn jeans, cheap looking patterns (in fact, try to steer clear from patterns in general), no more than three earrings per ear, tight American Apparel dresses, plastic jewelry (i.e., anything purchased at Claire’s or The Icing), religious jewelry (we understand some people wear crosses or Star of David regularly, however religion makes some uncomfortable and we want the PNMs to feel as welcome as possible), obviously fake looking designer clothes/jewelry

Leggings: Leggings are only permitted during Round 1 and ONLY ROUND 1. They must be nice, not your shitty, tattered American Apparel leggings that you’ve had for years. Leggings as pants are NOT okay, so make sure if you do decide to wear leggings, your shirt/sweater is long enough to cover your butt.

I hate you.

Hair/Makeup: We will email you if you can keep your hair curly, otherwise your hair must be straight, and it must be worn down at all times (no ponytails). The reason for this is we want everyone to look put together as one cohesive unit. Also, at no time is colored makeup acceptable; no blue eye shadow and NO red lipstick. Make sure your makeup is pretty, daytime and neutral. We want everyone to accentuate their natural beauty (mascara, eyeliner, bronzer, a pale gloss), and you should look fresh-faced and natural, like a Clinique model.

If you have any type of facial piercing (nose, eyebrow, tongue, etc.) please email us to see if it will be accepted during rush. For the most part, we’d like to steer clear of these.

Preparation: You have roughly 4 weeks at home before rush week. Use this time to prepare physically and mentally for the week. As hard as it is on you, it’s harder on us, and it determines the future fate of the house. Make sure while you’re home you go shopping, get your roots done, hair highlighted, go tanning, get a mani/pedi, get your brows waxed, and work out so we don’t all gain the holiday 15. We highly recommend crest whitening strips so that your smiles are extra bright to welcome the PNMs.

Please carefully read the following pages containing information on what to wear during each day of rush. Please avoid outfits that show too much cleavage or short skirts/ dresses – we want to look classy. It is important to wear outfits that compliment your body type and make you feel comfortable. (you’re going to be wearing it all day!!!)

Round 1: Dress for a “nice birthday dinner out with friends.”

Examples: Leggings or jeans with a blazer and nice leather boots; Jeans with a classy satin top and flats; a skirt (NOT MINI) with a classic cardigan and riding boots; a casual cotton dress with flats. Cute scarf. Simple, classy jewelry, such as a pair of pearl earrings or casual necklace. If you look around and everyone is wearing the same outfit as you, please change. This means that everyone should not be wearing leggings, tory burch flats, blazers, etc.

Round 2: “Meeting the boyfriend’s parents at dinner or a family holiday gathering”

Examples: Dark skinny jeans with a ruffled tank top and heels; a tweed skirt with a blouse and flats; a knee length dress with heels. During this round, no leggings are allowed. Footwear must be heels or nice flats, no riding boots (but heeled boots are ok). Also, if you don’t have nice tan legs, you must wear stockings under your skirt or dress. A nice necklace or pair of earrings.

Round 3: “Drinks at Hudson Terrace in NYC on a Friday Night with your co-workers”

Examples: a dressy skirt with a blouse or lace top (not a plain cardigan); a nice dress you would wear to a date night (NOT SLUTTY WE WILL MAKE YOU CHANGE); black pants with a trendy tank top and great heels. The only pants that are acceptable this round are classic black pants but try to avoid it if you can because we’re limiting the numbers of pants. Footwear MUST be heels this round. Wear a little bit nicer jewelry and accessories to dress up your outfit (scarves around the neck, a string of pearls, etc.). Black tights can help dress up a cotton dress and also make it more winter appropriate.

Round 4: “A wedding rehearsal dinner”

Preference Round: This day is serious and what you wear and say can influence who decides to become a member of our house. Everyone must wear a nice black dress with black heels, there will absolutely be no exceptions. Look as nice as possible; you will not be over dressed! Cool neutral colored jewelry is encouraged (a simple gold necklace, a string of pearls, diamond earrings, a long silver chain). A dress that you would wear to formal is perfect, as long as it’s not slutty; you’re not trying to get laid, you’re girl flirting. Make sure your boobs aren’t out and about.

34. BBM

26 Apr

As a betch, it goes without saying that you are, as a person, in extremely high demand at all times. We lead very busy lives, and it’s often hard to divide our time between all our besties and bros who constantly want to hang out with us. We don’t blame them, if we weren’t us, hanging out with us would be our top priority too.

Fortunately, somewhere around the turn of the century, some nerd scientist invented the ultimate betch accessory that helps keep us in constant contact with anyone we could ever want to talk to. Yes, we’re talking about the Blackberry. The Blackberry is like a betch’s third fucking arm, and every betch has probably gone through at least twelve of these malfunctioning pieces of shit in her lifetime. (New pin:c83ad4g. Add me!)

Some people might wonder why we keep getting new Blackberries when they clearly suck so much. Obvious answer. BBM. If you have an iPhone or an Android, get the fuck off this website and go back to checking stock quotes on your geek machine, loser.

Same goes if you have fewer than 50 contacts… awkward.

BBM is basically the only reason why betches have Blackberries, and it’s probably one of the most addictive and psychologically manipulative tools in modern society. Honestly, the culture of BBM lends itself to idiocy. For a betch, BBM provides us with an inhibition-free zone and an incessant #1 shit-talking machine. You don’t even realize half the shit you’re sending is complete garbage until it’s too late. You know you can’t harass someone over text because it’s too slow and annoying, but you bet you can stalk the shit out of your lover boy on BBM! (PING!!! Answer me now!!! Fuck me till I can’t walk!!!)

Granted, sometimes we use BBM for important communication, but that’s usually only when you’re trying to text your Asian friend from Econ to tell her your computer suddenly crashed and you desperately need her study guide for the midterm tomorrow.

In reality, BBM is the ultimate playing field for the many games we play with bros. What kind of points can you score in the BBM game? It’s all about the Read and Delivered.

It’s one thing if you’re texting with a bro and he doesn’t respond, but it’s a whole new ball game when you’re BBM friends and he reads it and doesn’t respond. He knows that I know that he knows that I know that he read it!!! He’s fucking done.

This means he’s #32 winning right now, so now you have no choice but to screen him for at least three hours the next four times he BBMs you.

But BBM games aren’t just limited to bros, betches love to play BBM games with other betches too. Who hasn’t been in four simultaneous shady conversations, all with people sitting in the same room as you? The best part about it is that no one ever fucking notices because everyone is on their fucking phones!!!

One of the most epic innovations in the BBM game is the group BBM chat. What better way to keep a select group of betches unified and up-to-date on one another’s very important decisions, such as, should I wear heels or flats tonight? It’s also a great organizational tool, since it helps us arrange exclusive #23 pregames. And since betches thrive on exclusivity, who isn’t included in the BBM group is wayyyyy more important than who is because it determines who we can openly #1 talk shit about.

So betches, always remember that the BBM game is just as important as real life, and one BBM can fuck you over forever. When you’re trying to shadily message Lindsay across the room that Jenny’s shirt makes her look like a whale, make sure you’re not accidentally typing to Jenny. After all, she’s the BBM group admin, and the fact that she looks like an oversized mammal who never gets ass doesn’t mean she won’t delete you faster than you can say “Sry wrong BBM.”

28. The Drunken Brawl

5 Apr

Although betches are usually pretty good about keeping their shit-talking and insults on the down low, it’s also widely known that the right amount of alcohol lubrication can get the word vomit flowing in the wrong place at the wrong time. Enter the Drunken Betch Brawl.

Okay, so you’ve been secretly #1 talking shit about Alyssa for like three weeks now. Ever since you saw her talking to this bro at the bars who you hooked up with six months ago for like, 50 whole seconds, this betch has been coming way too close to #25 WYDEL status. However, you’ve been good at containing your shit-talking to sneaky BBMs, so the stupid bitch still thinks you’re besties.

Welcome to Friday night at the bars. After six too many vodka shots at the #23 pregame you head to the bars and all of the sudden you notice your drink has been accidentally knocked over by none other than Alyssa, your irritation of the moment. Given this perfect opportunity for fake payback, you immediately start to ball this betch out.

They should make more than one bathroom at the Jersey Shore house.

You fucking whore do you know how much this shirt cost!? I’d make you pay for it immediately if your parents weren’t so fucking poor that paying me back would demand a second mortgage on your house.

The brawl ensues, sometimes even escalating to a physical level where the bouncer or one of your bro friends has to hold you both back while others look on in awe. Everyone knows you don’t fuck with a betch. Mess with us, expect tears to stream down your face faster and harder than Niagara Fucking Falls.

Mind you, you probably don’t want to find yourself in this kind of entanglement with a betch you know personally, so you can only imagine the possibilities when a betch is in a particularly aggressive mood and shit goes down with a complete stranger.

Cut to #26 Spring Break and some random community college retard is taking too long in the bathroom stall. You and your besties need to get in like, now, so that’s when you pull your first move: slamming on the bathroom door like you’re the fucking Gestapo. Stop giving yourself an abortion in there when other people have important drugs to do, you trashy whore!

This is usually followed by the opening of the door and the ultimate screaming match. A typical brawl might include:

“Oh wow, I can see why you haven’t been opening the door, you’re probably trying to hide your gross curly-ass hair!”

“My ugly ass hair? Look at yours! Looks like somebody’s been using Loreal highlights home kits!”

Remember girls, nice girls finish last, and wind up waiting 45 minutes in the bathroom line.

We agree that it’s not the classiest move in the world to get into drunken fights and casually ball girls out, but if it’s acceptable for bros to get into fist fights, we can certainly pull the equivalent female move to make some stupid bitch wish she never crossed our path: making bitches cry.

Once someone cries it’s proper etiquette to back down. You’ve won, no one needs to go to the hospital, and the winning betch gets yet another confirmation that she is more powerful and better in every way. Sticks and stones may break bones, but call a bitch a fatass and the pain of the eating disorder you just sparked will last much longer than the sting of your betch slap.

22. The Group Photog

10 Mar

Facebook is an extremely important part of The Betch Life, and we all know why. Would anyone give a shit about Facebook if it were a collection of pointless statuses and a platform to play Farmville? No, nobody cares about that freak you knew in 4th grade who friended you for no reason except to stalk your life.

There’s only one reason we constantly check Facebook. Photos. Facebook albums are what makes Sunday a half-acceptable day, and you know you’re going to harass your friend with the camera to put that shit up ASAP.

Let’s talk about the group photog. The group photog is different than the #6 muploader, who takes care of pics on Tuesdays and Sundays when we go out in our second-tier outfits. But the group photog handles weekends and big events like homecoming and Halloween, and you need her to ensure that you have over 1,000 tagged pictures. Anyone who has less than 200 might as well have their profile red-flagged and branded with LOSER at the top.

Group photog gets revenge

The photog is one of the most high-pressure roles in the group. Besides the need to be on constant active camera duty, she’s almost solely responsible for your Facebook image. Almost 2,000 of your 2,500 tagged photos are hers, and the day she makes her albums private will be the end of your betchy reputation on the internet. Her Spring Break album from sophomore year is probably the sole reason that no one will ever hire you.

Being group photog comes with serious responsibilities, and sometimes you’re just one accidentally uploaded photo away from committing one of these serious photog offenses:

Putting up every single pic: Betches look gorg in every picture they take, but no one wants to see 17 versions of the same six girls standing in a different order. This usually means the photog uploads the group picture where she looks the best and casually deletes the others.

(Side note: There are universal steps for approaching the group picture. As soon as you see the photog reach for her camera, everyone immediately scrambles to get the spot in the middle. Obviously you want to be photographed in the center of your bestie group, but if you can’t get there in time and get stuck on the end, make sure to put your hand on your hip so your arm appears #5 skinny.)

But I don't wanna be on the end!!!

Uploading but not tagging: You’re really making me go through and tag YOUR pictures, so everyone can see that I went out of my way to do it? No thanks, no ones supposed to know I’ve even seen this album unless I’m making a HILARIOUS comment on the picture where Jenny is funneling from the top of the stairs. “You go Jenny! WHAT A CHAMP!!” I’d rather let your album fade into Facebook oblivion. That’s what you get for being a lazy bitch who doesn’t tag.

Refusing to delete: Are you kidding me? I have a double chin and four stomach rolls.

Not editing: We expect the group photog to enhance, retouch, boost color, and crop out our appendages if they appear even slightly bloated.

Losing her camera: You lost the picture where the upper-right corner of my forehead looks skinny?! I don’t care if you went to the hospital and had to get your stomach pumped! Keep track of your shit! Get the fuck out of my apartment, betch. And don’t come back until you get a new camera. This one better be fucking touch screen so I can zoom in on myself with ease!

Not being on active camera duty: You’re fired. There are always some events where everyone’s too fucked up and having too great of a time to even care if it’s being documented. While this sounds desirable in theory, there’s always the question: Would we rather have had an amazing time or pictures that make the rest of the world think we had an amazing time? We think you know the answer.

With all this pressure on the group photog, why would anyone want to deal with it? Some betches just like photography… we all know the one who’s trying to be artsy with her camera. Sometimes the photog is the non-betchy accident in the friend group who’s really only there out of necessity and because you’ve already been friends for three years of college so it’s too late to get rid of her. She assumes the role of photog as part of being the group bitch.

Sometimes a betch just craves the control that comes with the job and wants to show everyone how amazing her life is and how many formals she goes to. She has the power of God to upload that pic where you look like a whale, or the one where you look amazingggg and she looks like a whale. If a picture is taken and never uploaded onto Facebook, did it really exist? Answer: NO. Like a Goddess on Mount Olympus, the group photog gets to decide.

All in all, while there’s a lot of room for the group photog to fuck up, we need her to take on this responsibility and we’re all grateful. To show your appreciation for your photog bestie, just try to minimize your eye rolling when she’s snapping pics at the pregame and pulls the most painful card she has. “It’s my camera, shot not end!”

Betches and Bud: It’s Complicated

8 Mar

Throughout our time on earth as betches, we’ve come to understand that a common but offensive criticism about our kind is that we all tend to act the same. Actually, those people should shut the fuck up and go back to the library. We’re all fucking unique. See, Jamie wears a black leather jacket, and mine is camel. So what if we got it at the same market in Florence! But since betches love to get wasted, an important aspect in which we’re different is how we react to marijuana. We decided to break down the betch by their varied relationships with smoking weed.

The Stoner Betch: This betch is the one who MUST be high for any and all activities. When you suggest going to see Hotel Rwanda without smoking first she will look at you like you just suggested going to the gym without sneakers. She probably started hot boxing her mom’s Mercedes in 11th grade, has been high at multiple family functions, and is closer to her dealer in the projects than he is with his own mother. The Stoner Betch will smoke before every meal and will claim she “isn’t hungry unless she smokes first.” She thinks this enables her to stick to her #5 diet, but she’s completely fooling herself because she’s high all the time.

The Stoner has her own piece, usually a bong or a bubbler. Bowls are so 9th grade. It also goes without saying that she knows how to roll her own blunt and joint and she’s “seriously considered selling pot,” if only because she smokes more weed than her entire apartment complex combined and is sick of going to her dealer. This may be followed by a week-long attempt at dealing before she realizes she owes herself a lot of money.

For the Stoner Betch, smoking weed alone is a normal occurrence. Not smoking weed all day is an abnormal occurrence. Everyone was impressed when she immediately called out James Franco for being high while hosting the Oscars.

Girls just wanna have fun

The Non-Stoner Betch: This betch is usually a total alcoholic. She’s often the one who has had one or two bad experiences with weed. (For example: After taking her first hit ever in the freshman dorms on 4/20, she thought she was dying and freaked out on the Stoner Betch. “I NEED TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL! I’M CALLING THE RA! YOU’RE A BAD FRIEND, STONER BETCH!!”) Ever since, she does not smoke weed at all or maybe on rare occasions. The Non-Stoner/Alcoholic Betch can drink anyone under the table and will actively promote blacking out every night. Even though she doesn’t smoke and may even obtain a contact high from hanging out with the Stoner Betches, she’s still chill so she’s not known as a fucking narc.

On the rare occasion that this betch does take a maximum of two hits (probably by accident while she’s blackout), it will probably result in her sitting up in her bed all night bugging out because she “hears voices downstairs.” Even though she can’t handle her marijuana, this betch is still the shit. So, when you ask her if she smokes and she says no, the proper response to her would be “you’d be a lot cooler if you did.”

The Sometimes Smoker Betch: This is the betch who lies somewhere between the Stoner and Non-Stoner Betch (who would’ve guessed?). On the occasions that she’s down to blaze, she will approach the Stoner Betch with a proposition, “let’s smoke tonight!” The Stoner Betch will get SOOO excited. The Sometimes Smoker will probably not be smoking unless it’s her nighttime activity because she’ll claim that if she smokes during the day, she just “won’t have the energy to go out. I’ll need to take a nap!” At this much anticipated smoke sesh, she’ll get high from about five hits, which will make the Stoner Betch extremely envious. “Shit, if I got high as easily as you, I’d gain an hour a day from not constantly needing to pack my bong…”

127 hours without pot? WILD.

The Sometimes Smoker will usually react to weed in one of two ways. The first possibility is that she will get uncontrollable giggles and munchies. When she momentarily stops laughing, she’ll start snacking and continue for the next 40-60 minutes. She will then go to bed and claim that she needs to spend the whole day at the gym tomorrow. The alternative reaction is that she’ll be completely silent… but still have the munchies. After she smokes she will not say one word. She will melt into the couch with her eyes glazed over, and when prompted with the question, “yo how are you doing? You’re mad quiet,” she’ll reply, “I’m just really, reallyyyy high.” This will be the end of her speaking for the night. We’ve alllll smoked with this character.

So you see, betches interact with weed differently. It isn’t for everyone. But for the Stoner Betch, you really need to get to Amsterdam stat. That place will open up your eyes to a whole new meaning of getting high. If you’re smart and #3 studying abroad, you’ll go to The Bushdocter Café, where you’ll find the writers of this blog have signed their names on the wall upstairs. You’ll also find the best weed cakes in the city. Trust us, we tried several.

Remember betches, always be safe, why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly?

19. Ugly Hot

6 Mar

It goes without saying that a betch is very aware of her own beauty and hotness. We know that it’s never okay to stray from our #5 diets, and that even if your boyfriend gets fat, that’s never okay for you. Looking hot on top of having an amazing personality is what defines you.

However, we realize that in this world, there is somewhat of a double standard at work. Ever been perplexed by that bro from high school who had a string of gorgeous girlfriends even though he vaguely resembled Hagrid from Harry Potter? Or that guy who has fucked almost every girl you know despite that fact that his greasy dark hair makes him look like Tim Burton? This is because this bro possesses something, one of the most unspoken qualities that betches love. He is Ugly Hot.

Yum.

It’s very apparent that an Ugly Hot guy is not classically good looking. In fact, many people on the street might look at you and wonder why you’re with that guy who’s clearly well below your attractiveness level. However, he still has that certain redeeming quality. Most often he’s hysterical, insanely cool, thinks he’s hot shit (and he actually is), and generally just oozes bro-yness. Suddenly it becomes easier to ignore his crooked nose, weak chin, chubby body, etc. because you’re mesmerized by his Ugly Hot vibe.

Since we’re making an exception for ugly people, let’s be clear. Ugly Hot is not your ex-boyfriend’s 250-pound dad who’s delusional enough to think that his 22-year old model girlfriend wants him for anything other than his money. Ugly Hot is not about appearance, it has to do with the attitude with which a guy carries himself and, most importantly, his game. Why am I so attracted to this bro whose facial hair is merging with his chest hair? Definite sign of Ugly Hot.

Ugly Hot is Jamie Lynn Siegler dating Turtle from Entourage. (Sorry, we don’t know his real name because even though he’s improved, he still slightly below our Ugly Hot threshold. Awkward.) Ugly Hot is Russell Brand dating Katy Perry. Is it because he’s the hottest Katy Perry can get? Obvs not, the girl’s a betch and can get anyone. But we doubt there are many girls out there who wouldn’t love to chill with the guy from Forgetting Sarah Marshall who sings “Inside of You” while humping the ground. We’d find anything hysterical in that accent.

Maybe it’s his bad ass attitude, maybe it’s his funny nature, maybe it’s that you just don’t get why he wouldn’t return a phone call from someone as hot as you. Whatever the reason, Ugly Hot can be SOOOO hot.

Sadly, we’re pretty sure this doesn’t work the other way around. For girls, no matter how funny or smart you are, a bro probably won’t even talk to you long enough to unearth these qualities. So betches, if you’re lucky enough to snag yourself an Ugly Hot gem, hold onto him because it’s much better than a guy with a six-pack who makes you feel suicidal every time he speaks. After all, even Marilyn Manson managed to be engaged to Evan Rachel Wood for a little while.

16. The Post-Breakup Betch

1 Mar

On the rare occasion that the #14 date over winter break or the summer turned into an actual relationship, a betch will sometimes temporarily become a less cool and pretty version of herself and be completely consumed by her boyfriend. Suddenly, she’d rather stay in and watch Casablanca than roll face at Tiesto. Weird, we know. No one wants to hear about how sexy her boyfriend’s bangs look pushed back, especially when they could be raging at the bars, drinking shooters and soaking up each other’s awesomeness.

The only thing better than a betch with a boyfriend is a betch without one. The post-breakup betch is very similar to the #7 token crazy friend who is fond of #5 diets, #10 Candyland, and bros. After all, the post-breakup period is a betch’s time to shine. The newly single betch needs to show all those bros, especially that asshole who let her go, that she’s single and ready to mingle.

While nice girls may be heartbroken over a recent relationship and do horrible things like binge eat and cry in fucking public, the betch is over it. Whatever, his nose was crooked, he had a small penis, wasn’t that rich, his hairline was receding, and he was too close with his mom. She has no need to drown her sorrows in Taco Bell or waste her time making up revenge fantasies, because she knows that she was better than him in every way and there’s always another bro around the corner.

The post break up period consists of a series of events designed to re-release the betch into the wild.

Step 1: The Breakup Diet. Some girls think a breakup gives them a free pass to stuff their face with chocolate and ignore their workout routine. A betch knows otherwise. There’s never an excuse to be a fat loser. She knows that she was too good for that dumb bastard who lured her in with lavish dinners at STK and bottle service at Tenjune. She will use this opportunity to become even hotter, if that’s possible. The Breakup Diet is your basic, run of the mill anorexia/exercise bulimia assisted by a liberal intake of Adderall.

Step 2: Deleting Your Ex-Bro from BBM. This is critical because you will avoid #14 Sunday Morning Regrets by drunk BBMing him whilst blackout which could possibly embarrass you. Extra betch points for embarrassing him in public. Making him cry at the bars is a classic.

Step 3: Being (or Appearing to Be) a Ho Fosho. Wear your sluttiest freshman year outfits that border between nudity and prostitution immediately following the breakup. A betch knows she looks good naked, now it’s time for someone else to. This will also come in handy when posing with every bro in a ten-foot radius of her at the bars who she #8 hasn’t (or maybe has) already fucked, while her betches (perhaps secretly) snap pics. It goes without saying that her ex is creepily lingering in a peripheral area attempting to make eye contact while she shoots him a look that says, “you can go shave your back now.”

Step 4: Defriending Your Ex-Bro on Facebook. Of course, a true betch only does this after Sunday. Sunday, glorious, Sunday. The unofficial day for betches everywhere to upload their pictures from the weekend of debauchery into Facebook albums aptly named something along the lines of “Grundle Sweat is for Winners” or some other nonsensical and clearly inappropriate title. The point of waiting until after Sunday is to show her ex how crazy her weekend was, with 50+ photos of her practically nude, surrounded by hotter, cooler bros.

When all is said and done, the post-breakup period is a wonderful time for a betch and her besties. She returns to her former glory while her ex-bro unsuccessfully patrols the freshman bars for a less hot version of her to take to his formal.

For the unfortunate bro who let a true betch slip away, beware, you’re not dealing with a nice girl. She will make you more hated than Mel Gibson performing a Chris Brown song while wearing Ed Hardy at a Hitler Youth Convention.

13. Sunday Morning Regrets

27 Feb

Though betches have few feelings, we sometimes have regrets. These are usually reserved for one day. Sunday. In the spirit of the second worst day of the week, here a list of a betch’s typical Sunday regrets.

Walk of Shame: During those occasions when a betch blacks out and #8 sometimes fucks a bro, and it’s not in the comfort of her own bed (side note: this often happens because betches are forced to wind up at his place where the prepaid drugs are), she has to endure the walk of shame. After realizing she’s not at home, a betch will first contemplate if this is a rare occasion when last night’s outfit was casual enough to pick up some iced coffee on the way home without having some businessman think she’s a hooker and solicit her for sex. Since your apartment is about a 90 second walk from this bro’s, you decide to take the hike.

When Lionel Ritchie wrote Easy Like Sunday Morning, it’s hard to imagine that he was thinking of anything other than watching a betch take her morning walk of shame.

While making a mental list of everyone this bro knows and is likely to tell that you fucked him, you head out the door. That’s when you see the nice girl from your biology class with her backpack, clearly headed to the library. You could duck and hide behind a street sign but you’re a betch so you have no shame. You’d rather walk through your college town with enough eyeliner down your face that you look like a member of fucking KISS than let this betch-hater think you have something to hide. She is clearly a fucking loser since she’s on the way to the library, and hey, you got laid last night while she was reading Jodi Picoult! Walk tall betch… after all, your pumps make you look almost 6 feet.

Sex without a Condom: Shit, have to get Plan B.

Sex with the guy in your Monday morning class: Shit, have to ask him for money for Plan B… along with his class notes from last week.

Drunk eating: It’s funny that I can spend all week eating lettuce without dressing, but after three shots of tequila I find myself ordering 28 boneless wings with extra bleu cheese and an order of fried cheesecake.

Blackout BBMs: Similar to drunk eating, blackout BBMs matter, even though you don’t remember sending them. But unlike drunk eating, BBMs are permanently out there to be read aloud to any audience, even if you deleted them from your own phone. No amount of working out on the elliptical will eliminate them from cyber space. They definitely provide excellent Sunday morning stories, but usually at a serious cost.

Sometimes it’s just sending one really embarrassing BBM:

Me: I’m DTF.

Sometimes it’s BBMing the wrong person the wrong thing: To the guy you fucked with the small penis…

Me: I couldn’t even feel John’s penis when he fucked me
John: What?
Me: Shit sorry, wrong BBM, different John

(Side note: Is that any better?)

Consistently BBMing the same person who’s not responding:

Me: Hey, what’s up?
Me: Come over
Me: Where are you? I’m at my apartment
Me: Are you not coming?
Me: Fine, don’t come over
Me: I’m naked
Me: You’re either coming over or you’re not.
Me: Fine, I’m over it
Me: Over it dot com
Me: Seriously, where are you?

And of course, there’s always the general drunk fuck up, such as when your best betch from high school visits and vomits in your shoes, and you wake up the next morning to find them in the dishwasher.

Sunday morning regrets, although traumatizing, leave a far funnier legacy than the sting of the embarrassment. Better to have drank and fucked up than not to have drank at all!

Countdown to Oscar Sunday

24 Feb

As all you betches are aware, the Betch Super Bowl is approaching in FOUR days!!!!! WILD!! Oscar Sunday gives betches a legitimate excuse to gather in groups and sit on our couches, drink wine, and of course, #1 talk shit about celebrities’ fashion fuck-ups a la Joan Rivers. If we see even ONE kitten heel… that bitch is getting betch slapped.

Even though the red carpet pre-show is really the main event for betches, we consider ourselves pretty serious movie fans and loooooove to predict the Oscars! Here’s a rundown of our picks this year, at least for the awards we care about… because who the fuck cares about foreign films and fucking sound editing?

Best Picture: The Social Network. Thank God for Facebook. What would betches do without it? Even though Mark Zuckerberg is totally unfuckable, a billion dollars can make anyone pretty hot. And who doesn’t love that crazy Asian betch who lit the hot guy’s apartment on fire? The normal reaction to your boyfriend’s incorrect relationship status would obviously be arson. What a #7 BSCB, love her.

Best Actor: Colin Firth. We don’t know, someone told us to pick him. Honestly, we fell asleep during this movie but absolutely LOVE royalty. Seriously. We’d watch a movie about Kate Middleton’s troubles flossing her teeth if it were in theaters.

Best Actress: Natalie Portman. We thought she was great in Black Swan, but that betch was fucking hysterical in No Strings Attached. Then again, I could’ve just been really high.

Best Supporting Actress: Amy Adams. Just respect the betch for putting on twenty pounds.

Best Supporting Actor: Christian Bale. We appreciate his struggle with drug addiction and we loved getting to see what boxing looks like. It’s like skiing for poor people!

For all our Twitter followers, we’ll be betch-slapping celebrities who commit fashion felonies in real-time on Sunday, so follow us @betchesluvthis!

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