Tag Archives: #Facebook

22. The Group Photog

10 Mar

Facebook is an extremely important part of The Betch Life, and we all know why. Would anyone give a shit about Facebook if it were a collection of pointless statuses and a platform to play Farmville? No, nobody cares about that freak you knew in 4th grade who friended you for no reason except to stalk your life.

There’s only one reason we constantly check Facebook. Photos. Facebook albums are what makes Sunday a half-acceptable day, and you know you’re going to harass your friend with the camera to put that shit up ASAP.

Let’s talk about the group photog. The group photog is different than the #6 muploader, who takes care of pics on Tuesdays and Sundays when we go out in our second-tier outfits. But the group photog handles weekends and big events like homecoming and Halloween, and you need her to ensure that you have over 1,000 tagged pictures. Anyone who has less than 200 might as well have their profile red-flagged and branded with LOSER at the top.

Group photog gets revenge

The photog is one of the most high-pressure roles in the group. Besides the need to be on constant active camera duty, she’s almost solely responsible for your Facebook image. Almost 2,000 of your 2,500 tagged photos are hers, and the day she makes her albums private will be the end of your betchy reputation on the internet. Her Spring Break album from sophomore year is probably the sole reason that no one will ever hire you.

Being group photog comes with serious responsibilities, and sometimes you’re just one accidentally uploaded photo away from committing one of these serious photog offenses:

Putting up every single pic: Betches look gorg in every picture they take, but no one wants to see 17 versions of the same six girls standing in a different order. This usually means the photog uploads the group picture where she looks the best and casually deletes the others.

(Side note: There are universal steps for approaching the group picture. As soon as you see the photog reach for her camera, everyone immediately scrambles to get the spot in the middle. Obviously you want to be photographed in the center of your bestie group, but if you can’t get there in time and get stuck on the end, make sure to put your hand on your hip so your arm appears #5 skinny.)

But I don't wanna be on the end!!!

Uploading but not tagging: You’re really making me go through and tag YOUR pictures, so everyone can see that I went out of my way to do it? No thanks, no ones supposed to know I’ve even seen this album unless I’m making a HILARIOUS comment on the picture where Jenny is funneling from the top of the stairs. “You go Jenny! WHAT A CHAMP!!” I’d rather let your album fade into Facebook oblivion. That’s what you get for being a lazy bitch who doesn’t tag.

Refusing to delete: Are you kidding me? I have a double chin and four stomach rolls.

Not editing: We expect the group photog to enhance, retouch, boost color, and crop out our appendages if they appear even slightly bloated.

Losing her camera: You lost the picture where the upper-right corner of my forehead looks skinny?! I don’t care if you went to the hospital and had to get your stomach pumped! Keep track of your shit! Get the fuck out of my apartment, betch. And don’t come back until you get a new camera. This one better be fucking touch screen so I can zoom in on myself with ease!

Not being on active camera duty: You’re fired. There are always some events where everyone’s too fucked up and having too great of a time to even care if it’s being documented. While this sounds desirable in theory, there’s always the question: Would we rather have had an amazing time or pictures that make the rest of the world think we had an amazing time? We think you know the answer.

With all this pressure on the group photog, why would anyone want to deal with it? Some betches just like photography… we all know the one who’s trying to be artsy with her camera. Sometimes the photog is the non-betchy accident in the friend group who’s really only there out of necessity and because you’ve already been friends for three years of college so it’s too late to get rid of her. She assumes the role of photog as part of being the group bitch.

Sometimes a betch just craves the control that comes with the job and wants to show everyone how amazing her life is and how many formals she goes to. She has the power of God to upload that pic where you look like a whale, or the one where you look amazingggg and she looks like a whale. If a picture is taken and never uploaded onto Facebook, did it really exist? Answer: NO. Like a Goddess on Mount Olympus, the group photog gets to decide.

All in all, while there’s a lot of room for the group photog to fuck up, we need her to take on this responsibility and we’re all grateful. To show your appreciation for your photog bestie, just try to minimize your eye rolling when she’s snapping pics at the pregame and pulls the most painful card she has. “It’s my camera, shot not end!”

16. The Post-Breakup Betch

1 Mar

On the rare occasion that the #14 date over winter break or the summer turned into an actual relationship, a betch will sometimes temporarily become a less cool and pretty version of herself and be completely consumed by her boyfriend. Suddenly, she’d rather stay in and watch Casablanca than roll face at Tiesto. Weird, we know. No one wants to hear about how sexy her boyfriend’s bangs look pushed back, especially when they could be raging at the bars, drinking shooters and soaking up each other’s awesomeness.

The only thing better than a betch with a boyfriend is a betch without one. The post-breakup betch is very similar to the #7 token crazy friend who is fond of #5 diets, #10 Candyland, and bros. After all, the post-breakup period is a betch’s time to shine. The newly single betch needs to show all those bros, especially that asshole who let her go, that she’s single and ready to mingle.

While nice girls may be heartbroken over a recent relationship and do horrible things like binge eat and cry in fucking public, the betch is over it. Whatever, his nose was crooked, he had a small penis, wasn’t that rich, his hairline was receding, and he was too close with his mom. She has no need to drown her sorrows in Taco Bell or waste her time making up revenge fantasies, because she knows that she was better than him in every way and there’s always another bro around the corner.

The post break up period consists of a series of events designed to re-release the betch into the wild.

Step 1: The Breakup Diet. Some girls think a breakup gives them a free pass to stuff their face with chocolate and ignore their workout routine. A betch knows otherwise. There’s never an excuse to be a fat loser. She knows that she was too good for that dumb bastard who lured her in with lavish dinners at STK and bottle service at Tenjune. She will use this opportunity to become even hotter, if that’s possible. The Breakup Diet is your basic, run of the mill anorexia/exercise bulimia assisted by a liberal intake of Adderall.

Step 2: Deleting Your Ex-Bro from BBM. This is critical because you will avoid #14 Sunday Morning Regrets by drunk BBMing him whilst blackout which could possibly embarrass you. Extra betch points for embarrassing him in public. Making him cry at the bars is a classic.

Step 3: Being (or Appearing to Be) a Ho Fosho. Wear your sluttiest freshman year outfits that border between nudity and prostitution immediately following the breakup. A betch knows she looks good naked, now it’s time for someone else to. This will also come in handy when posing with every bro in a ten-foot radius of her at the bars who she #8 hasn’t (or maybe has) already fucked, while her betches (perhaps secretly) snap pics. It goes without saying that her ex is creepily lingering in a peripheral area attempting to make eye contact while she shoots him a look that says, “you can go shave your back now.”

Step 4: Defriending Your Ex-Bro on Facebook. Of course, a true betch only does this after Sunday. Sunday, glorious, Sunday. The unofficial day for betches everywhere to upload their pictures from the weekend of debauchery into Facebook albums aptly named something along the lines of “Grundle Sweat is for Winners” or some other nonsensical and clearly inappropriate title. The point of waiting until after Sunday is to show her ex how crazy her weekend was, with 50+ photos of her practically nude, surrounded by hotter, cooler bros.

When all is said and done, the post-breakup period is a wonderful time for a betch and her besties. She returns to her former glory while her ex-bro unsuccessfully patrols the freshman bars for a less hot version of her to take to his formal.

For the unfortunate bro who let a true betch slip away, beware, you’re not dealing with a nice girl. She will make you more hated than Mel Gibson performing a Chris Brown song while wearing Ed Hardy at a Hitler Youth Convention.

15. Justin Bieber

1 Mar

You’re sitting there, your face and body are getting all hot and tingly, you start breaking out in a cold sweat, your heart is racing, and you’re trying to fight back the smile spreading across your face, but you can’t. It’s too late, you’ve come down with a case of Bieber Fever and there’s nothing from #10 Candyland to cure it.

We all have that friend who’s absolutely adored him from day one and has been begging you to see Never Say Never in 3D for months now. You agreed, not because you wanted to see what all the hype was about, but because Betch of the Week Chelsea Handler loves and flirts with him. Maybe you can even do a funny #6 mobile upload with those 3D glasses on, and if not, it’s still a great excuse to smoke weed and see a movie. Whatever.

You soon find yourself sitting in the theater, unable to contain yourself. The second you see the Biebs, you’re brainwashed like Derek Zoolander by fucking Mugatu. Then it comes to the slow motion hair flip. GAME OVER. You’ve lost it and you have full on Bieber Fever.

Dad in the back thinking: SHUT THE FUCK UP BETCHES! I just wanna hear Bieber!

Then you see Biebs singing to that girl on stage during “One Less Lonely Girl.” You find yourself in a jealous rage and you’re screaming in a theater full of tweens and their moms, “BETCH, THAT BOY IS MINE!!!!” …And now your friend who dragged you to the movie is being an even bigger betch because she’s all like, “Uhhh, told ya so. I take all the credit because I discovered him first.” And you’re all like, “whatever, betch.”

Now you go home, purchase every song he’s ever sang and hit up YouTube to watch every interview and video he’s ever made. And now you and all of your friends are posting Bieber-related posts on each other’s Facebooks. Bieber or Die.

What IS it that makes him so cute? That hair. That smile. That voice. He’s such a flirt and a ladies’ man. There should be a new word to describe attraction to Justin Bieber. BACK THE FUCK OFF, SELENA. Is it weird that we’re actually attracted to him? Uhh, no, he’s a heartthrob, so what if it makes you a certified cougar? Okay, so it’s creepy. I don’t care. It’s Justin. Pelvic thrust.

You want to know everything and anything Bieber, but one day, when you’re at the gym because you’re obvi on a #5 diet (Spring Break soon!), you glance at CNN and you almost fall off the treadmill. They’re saying that Bieber cut his hair! Legitimate news sources are calling this breaking news. This is an epidemic. RIP Hair Flip.

Egypt what? Protests in Libya?

The minute you get home you immediately Google his new haircut. Fuck showering. You mourn the Hair Flip for a few minutes, but like… boy still looks good, for real. Then you find out he’s selling his hair for charity (see, he’s soo nice!), and you decide this is where you cross the line and anyone who buys it is certifiable, even though you secretly want to sleep with a lock of his hair under your pillow.

We understand that bros are jealous. They should be. Overheard by a betch last weekend: “Justin Bieber is the only guy who does it for me”…her boyfriend was standing right next to her. For all you haters, just embrace it. It’s only a matter of time until you’re infected.

So, Happy 17th Birthday Justin!! Only 365 days until I can legally seduce you. Unless of course we’re in Canada, where the legal age of consent is 14. Yeah, I Googled it, judge me. I’m gonna go put on my purple American Apparel hoodie, peace.

Countdown to Oscar Sunday

24 Feb

As all you betches are aware, the Betch Super Bowl is approaching in FOUR days!!!!! WILD!! Oscar Sunday gives betches a legitimate excuse to gather in groups and sit on our couches, drink wine, and of course, #1 talk shit about celebrities’ fashion fuck-ups a la Joan Rivers. If we see even ONE kitten heel… that bitch is getting betch slapped.

Even though the red carpet pre-show is really the main event for betches, we consider ourselves pretty serious movie fans and loooooove to predict the Oscars! Here’s a rundown of our picks this year, at least for the awards we care about… because who the fuck cares about foreign films and fucking sound editing?

Best Picture: The Social Network. Thank God for Facebook. What would betches do without it? Even though Mark Zuckerberg is totally unfuckable, a billion dollars can make anyone pretty hot. And who doesn’t love that crazy Asian betch who lit the hot guy’s apartment on fire? The normal reaction to your boyfriend’s incorrect relationship status would obviously be arson. What a #7 BSCB, love her.

Best Actor: Colin Firth. We don’t know, someone told us to pick him. Honestly, we fell asleep during this movie but absolutely LOVE royalty. Seriously. We’d watch a movie about Kate Middleton’s troubles flossing her teeth if it were in theaters.

Best Actress: Natalie Portman. We thought she was great in Black Swan, but that betch was fucking hysterical in No Strings Attached. Then again, I could’ve just been really high.

Best Supporting Actress: Amy Adams. Just respect the betch for putting on twenty pounds.

Best Supporting Actor: Christian Bale. We appreciate his struggle with drug addiction and we loved getting to see what boxing looks like. It’s like skiing for poor people!

For all our Twitter followers, we’ll be betch-slapping celebrities who commit fashion felonies in real-time on Sunday, so follow us @betchesluvthis!

6. Mobile Uploads

22 Feb

Because betches are the most important people around, it’s their duty to keep all their besties and betch followers updated on their every move. Naturally, this is accomplished through a constant stream of BBM status updates, tweets, and Facebook statuses. But for a true betch, nothing matches the statement made with their favorite form of update: the mobile upload (often referred to by its common abbreviation, “mupload”).

Since a basic requirement for being a betch is owning a Blackberry (iPhones are soooo manly. What’s that Android thing again?) the camera feature has become a huge part of The Betch Life. Whenever a betch goes out on the town, it’s absolutely critical that everyone she knows is aware of exactly what she’s doing and with whom. Since a real betch is too cool to spend time taking boring pics with a camera and uploading albums with 60 pics of 5-10 girls smiling with their hands on their hips so they look #5 skinny, her muploads show that she’s super busy and super popular and “omg so funny!!” A mupload screams “I’m too cool for Facebook albums but my life is just too fabulous to not share this pic of my best betch vomming in her own bag!”

OMG, Ally stole some bro’s hat at the bar!? That’s soooo funny!! Mupload that! …But wait, what should I caption it!?

After fewer than five minutes, the photo will already be on Facebook, captioned “Cool hat Al!” (good one, right!?) Now all of this betch’s Facebook friends aka followers, who are clearly hugeeee losers since they’re sitting at home on Facebook instead of going out and RAGINGGGGG, can live vicariously and have sooo much fun too!! YAYYY!!

One might argue that some betches actually only engage in activities based on opportunities for muploads. For those of you who live this way, don’t worry, we get you, but it’s time to get a life.

4. Birthdays

16 Feb

Ask any betch what her favorite day of the year is, and she’ll for sure say, “My birthday, obvs!” Birthdays are a chance for betches to dress way nicer than everyone else, celebrate the fact that they’re still young and hot, and host a big party for all their friends! Every betch knows that the birthday pregame is always wayyyyy better than the birthday party itself, and you’re only as betchy as the number of people who refuse to respond to your Facebook invite because you didn’t respond to theirs. Awaiting reply? See ya there! Maybe attending? Hmm… Go fuck yourself.

It's probably not LinzLo's bday, but what a great pic!!

First comes the matter of how to word the Facebook birthday invitation. It has to be somewhat clever, so people think you’re funny, but not too clever that it seems like you actually put any effort into it. Always appoint two or more of your best betches as admins, and make sure one of them invites the bro you like so he doesn’t think you actually want him there. Betches never look desperate. And of course, tell your besties to come at least a half hour early so it looks like you have tons of friends when your outer circle of betches arrive (also extra time to #1 talk shit!).

Birthdays are also a great time to ask your parents for random shit, not that they don’t usually give you random shit anyway. While the rest of the world gets a day, a betch’s birthday can last almost an entire week. A birthday pregame might be enough for some, but betches prefer to have a birthday brunch, birthday dinner, birthday party, sometimes even a birthday vacation (at least on the big years, like 10, 12, 13, 16, 18, 21, 25, and every subsequent age ending in 0 or 5). These events can go on for days, weeks, months… until it’s time for the next betch’s birthday! Last but not least, it’s important to mention that proper betch etiquette dictates that betches never exchange actual birthday gifts. No, gifts are meant to come from mommy and daddy, so all the other betches just chip in and buy alcohol for the birthday betch at every celebratory event. Happy birthday betches!

1. Talking Shit

16 Feb

There’s nothing a true betch loves more than talking shit. Be this talking shit about other girls, guys, their best friends, celebrities, professors, poor people… if you have a flaw we will find it and talk shit about it. While the nice girl in the room may urge you, “Stop! These are real people we’re talking about!” betches know the truth. If you’re not cute, funny, or rich, you’re not a real person.

So what kind of settings do betches love to talk shit in? Let’s see… umm… ANYWHERE. Betches talk shit while sitting around at home on their couches (usually in groups of 5 or 6), in the corner at the bar, over drinks at dinner, while browsing Facebook, or via BBM while in the presence of the person they’re talking shit about. In this case, the saying goes, “if you have nothing mean to say, don’t say anything at all.” That’s a betch’s motto.

Betches can turn any situation into an excuse to talk shit, no matter how positive it may seem. Becky lost a lot of weight? Look how ano and concave her stomach is! Gross! Anna got a job at Goldman Sachs? How many guys did she have to blow to do that? Whatever, bitch is ugly.

The more obvious it is that you’re talking shit, the more fun. For instance, I’m sitting next to Jen while BBMing Melissa that her hair looks greasy. While some may say this makes us catty and unsuitable for conversation, we like to call it “keeping it real.” Except for the fact that no one really knows when people are talking about them. Therefore, you should just assume that some betch, somewhere, is talking shit about you. Like a great betch once said, it’s better to be talked shit about than not talked about at all.

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