Tag Archives: #high

Betches and Bud: It’s Complicated

8 Mar

Throughout our time on earth as betches, we’ve come to understand that a common but offensive criticism about our kind is that we all tend to act the same. Actually, those people should shut the fuck up and go back to the library. We’re all fucking unique. See, Jamie wears a black leather jacket, and mine is camel. So what if we got it at the same market in Florence! But since betches love to get wasted, an important aspect in which we’re different is how we react to marijuana. We decided to break down the betch by their varied relationships with smoking weed.

The Stoner Betch: This betch is the one who MUST be high for any and all activities. When you suggest going to see Hotel Rwanda without smoking first she will look at you like you just suggested going to the gym without sneakers. She probably started hot boxing her mom’s Mercedes in 11th grade, has been high at multiple family functions, and is closer to her dealer in the projects than he is with his own mother. The Stoner Betch will smoke before every meal and will claim she “isn’t hungry unless she smokes first.” She thinks this enables her to stick to her #5 diet, but she’s completely fooling herself because she’s high all the time.

The Stoner has her own piece, usually a bong or a bubbler. Bowls are so 9th grade. It also goes without saying that she knows how to roll her own blunt and joint and she’s “seriously considered selling pot,” if only because she smokes more weed than her entire apartment complex combined and is sick of going to her dealer. This may be followed by a week-long attempt at dealing before she realizes she owes herself a lot of money.

For the Stoner Betch, smoking weed alone is a normal occurrence. Not smoking weed all day is an abnormal occurrence. Everyone was impressed when she immediately called out James Franco for being high while hosting the Oscars.

Girls just wanna have fun

The Non-Stoner Betch: This betch is usually a total alcoholic. She’s often the one who has had one or two bad experiences with weed. (For example: After taking her first hit ever in the freshman dorms on 4/20, she thought she was dying and freaked out on the Stoner Betch. “I NEED TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL! I’M CALLING THE RA! YOU’RE A BAD FRIEND, STONER BETCH!!”) Ever since, she does not smoke weed at all or maybe on rare occasions. The Non-Stoner/Alcoholic Betch can drink anyone under the table and will actively promote blacking out every night. Even though she doesn’t smoke and may even obtain a contact high from hanging out with the Stoner Betches, she’s still chill so she’s not known as a fucking narc.

On the rare occasion that this betch does take a maximum of two hits (probably by accident while she’s blackout), it will probably result in her sitting up in her bed all night bugging out because she “hears voices downstairs.” Even though she can’t handle her marijuana, this betch is still the shit. So, when you ask her if she smokes and she says no, the proper response to her would be “you’d be a lot cooler if you did.”

The Sometimes Smoker Betch: This is the betch who lies somewhere between the Stoner and Non-Stoner Betch (who would’ve guessed?). On the occasions that she’s down to blaze, she will approach the Stoner Betch with a proposition, “let’s smoke tonight!” The Stoner Betch will get SOOO excited. The Sometimes Smoker will probably not be smoking unless it’s her nighttime activity because she’ll claim that if she smokes during the day, she just “won’t have the energy to go out. I’ll need to take a nap!” At this much anticipated smoke sesh, she’ll get high from about five hits, which will make the Stoner Betch extremely envious. “Shit, if I got high as easily as you, I’d gain an hour a day from not constantly needing to pack my bong…”

127 hours without pot? WILD.

The Sometimes Smoker will usually react to weed in one of two ways. The first possibility is that she will get uncontrollable giggles and munchies. When she momentarily stops laughing, she’ll start snacking and continue for the next 40-60 minutes. She will then go to bed and claim that she needs to spend the whole day at the gym tomorrow. The alternative reaction is that she’ll be completely silent… but still have the munchies. After she smokes she will not say one word. She will melt into the couch with her eyes glazed over, and when prompted with the question, “yo how are you doing? You’re mad quiet,” she’ll reply, “I’m just really, reallyyyy high.” This will be the end of her speaking for the night. We’ve alllll smoked with this character.

So you see, betches interact with weed differently. It isn’t for everyone. But for the Stoner Betch, you really need to get to Amsterdam stat. That place will open up your eyes to a whole new meaning of getting high. If you’re smart and #3 studying abroad, you’ll go to The Bushdocter Café, where you’ll find the writers of this blog have signed their names on the wall upstairs. You’ll also find the best weed cakes in the city. Trust us, we tried several.

Remember betches, always be safe, why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly?

8. Not Having Sex With Bros (sometimes)

22 Feb

It’s 2am and you’re hanging outside the bar thinking of ways to distract yourself from eating while on your #5 diet, even though the pizza place is across the street and you’re just below blackout. Then you see him standing across the street: the self-proclaimed “bro.”

The bro’s goal for the night is to fuck the hottest betch around, who, let’s face it, is you (thanks for the heads up Bros Like This Site!!). He motions for you to come over. As a true betch you’re not going for that shit, and you scream that if he wants to talk to you he can cross the fucking street.

He obviously does.

The two of you start talking when he mentions that he has weed. OMG, yes, I love blunts!!! The thought entices you enough to go back to his place, smoke and watch Knocked Up. Ahhh Paul Rudd!!! Love him too!! In addition, this is a great way to avoid #5 eating, at least for an hour. In your drunken state, it’s the perfect activity.

You go back, smoke a little weed, and this bro obviously starts to make out with you. You’re almost drunk/high enough and are considering having sex with him. At least it’ll be a workout!

Then you snap out of it and realize who you are. You’re a betch, and it will take more than a blunt and a ride in his BMW to conquer this shit. As a betch you realize that while bros rule the world (yeah, betches are secure enough in their awesomeness to admit it, who do you think you’re marrying anyway?), betches have the power to not have sex with them. Even their daddy’s money can’t get you to put out. As he tries to put his hand down your pants you yawn and say that you’ve got a super early group meeting and you’re so sorry and thanks for the blunt and you have to go. As if I’d ever go to any group meeting before noon. Bye.

See, the difference between your average slut and a betch is that a betch doesn’t just use her hotness to get laid, she uses it to manipulate the bros who think they’re in charge. Hellloooo just look at history! Anne Boleyn got her betchy ass to be Queen of England simply by not putting out to the ultimate asshole bro, Henry VIII.

This is not to say betches don’t love having sex, but unlike bros, our vaginas aren’t attached to our brains. Except sometimes if you had too many shots, and were so drunk that you actually had that beer to put you over, you might end up fucking him anyway… in that case it’s always fun to do a prank call with your betches a few weeks later telling him you’re knocked up and are gonna need about 18 years of child support.

7. Token Crazy Friend

22 Feb

Although betches all have certain things in common, there are some betches that stand out and are different than the others. Every friend group can and should have one of these people. She is the token Bat Shit Crazy Betch. In addition to providing entertainment, the BSCB serves to make the rest of us feel like we are normal. She is defined by her superior abilities to #1 talk shit, she has really funny stories, and make us seem nice to guys, at least in comparison to the BSCB. The BSCB persona can take many forms, but typically possesses the following qualities:

BSCB will never go to rehab, no no no

Compulsive Need to Rage: While all betches are almost always down to rage, the BSCB gives this an entire new meaning. She’s usually the betch that lost her virginity in 7th grade, regularly pounds shots at 10am while everyone else is taking turns vomming from their hangovers (or breakfast, whatever), and did lines behind her laptop in freshman year econ. This betch is your favorite betch to party with, has fucked upwards of 40 bros, and generally serves to make other betches feel like their insane habits are normal.

Psycho Breakdowns/Tantrums: Another type of BSCB most likely has some sort of real and diagnosable but untreated psychiatric disorder, be this OCD/ADD/manic depression/anxiety/ is generally fucking nuts. She may appear normal most of the time… until she starts sporadically crying in the midst of studying at the library, or when Bachelor Brad eliminates the wrong girl.

Sociopathic Tendencies: One of the most dangerous betches is a sociopath/borderline/pure evil. This betch is stealthy and comes off as completely normal, but she has some seriously evil plans for destruction. While most betches are harmless and just generally awesome, the sociopath BSCB allows her boredom and/or insane ambitions to get in the way of living life like the rest of us. Think Regina George or Tracy Flick. Watch out for this betch or she’ll steal your boyfriend, your dignity, and your self-esteem. Make sure you’re either cool enough to ball this betch out, or you better be on her fucking good side.

While the BSCBs all have their flaws, they also serve their purpose. Besides being extremely entertaining, these betches make us feel better about ourselves and are wayyyyy more fun to hang out with than those boring nice girls betch-haters. WE LOVE YOU BSCBs!!!!

3. Studying Abroad

16 Feb

Naturally, there’s nothing a betch loves more than a four month vacation that’s fully funded by their parents under the guise of being “culturally immersed”… also known as partying in the best clubs in every city across Europe!! Here’s the truth from some real live abroad betches. Ugh, I miss ittttt!!

The itinerary whilst abroad consists of attending classes maybe three days a week, buying chic European clothes, and testing out the weed in various cities. A typical day means being drunk by 2pm after waking up at noon. A betch’s biggest issue is usually something along the lines of how to squeeze in nap time between visiting Anne Frank’s House and getting high. But how will we buy drugs if the dealers don’t speak English!? Don’t worry, a little known secret is that everyone speaks English! …Well, at least anyone you’ll ever want to talk to. You thought you were going to become fluent in Italian? Think again! Experiencing cultural diversity was having someone from TCU in your Tuscan wine tasting class.

Betches who don't have their last name on a building at their college can write their names here

While traveling abroad, you’ll know when you’ve met another betch (most likely they’ll be staying with your best betch from high school’s best betch from college), and they’ll love to give you the scoop on the city they’re living in…

You know, in Barcelona, they put ham in like, everything, but sometimes, they like, don’t put ham in things. It’s weird, you know…

Don’t worry, the worst part about Italy is the Italians!

You know you’re Facebook friends with an abroad betch when her profile pictures consist of her skydiving in Interlaken, chugging beers at Oktoberfest (So many calories! Oh my God! Try to steer clear of the Germans! Side note: Germans are really mean, but sometimes they’re like, not really mean), and making peace signs by the Lennon Wall in Prague (Oh my God! Eastern Europe! So sketch!).

If you have more than one friend from abroad who actually lives in the city you studied in, you are not a betch (your former drug dealers don’t count). And if you don’t know who Massimo is, you are DEF not a betch. Love ya!!

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