Tag Archives: #Jersey Shore

25. The Betch Arch Nemesis

16 Mar

Although betches usually have lots of besties around, we don’t always feel the most positive vibe toward betches we don’t know that well, or those outside of our circle. It’s not that we necessarily dislike them or have anything bad to say about them, it’s just that it’s rare that we would have anything particularly nice to say about them. It’s kind of an ambiguous disinterest, trending toward the negative. It’s an unspoken truth that girls don’t really like other girls.

However, there are certain instances or actions when a betch crosses you in the wrong way and winds up on your Wish You Didn’t Exist List (WYDEL). This is the one kind of exclusive list that no betch is trying to get on.

What are some of the membership benefits of WYDEL?

You always have a #9 nickname for an arch nemesis, and it’s always something really negative, either relating to your personal beef with her or her appearance. Like maybe she looks like a blowfish and conveniently blew your ex-boyfriend, so you affectionately call her Hootie.

Any mention of a girl on your WYDEL triggers an immediate “ugh, I hate that bitch, I wish she didn’t fucking exist,” usually followed by exaggerated stories of your encounters with her, all of which make her look like a complete psycho. Next you move onto the classic face and body criticisms and an array of highly unrealistic secrets you claim to have heard about her. If you’re a less vocal betch, you’ll probably go with the simple, “bitch is fug.” Either way, the automatic response from the bestie group will be, “yeah, she sucks.”

The besties are sooo bored of hearing this. They’ve already heard it five or six times… today.

But there are some betches who get sooo proficient at hating their arch nemesis that any time her name is mentioned in passing, they immediately turn into a hilaaaaarious one-woman show, complete with a list of reasons why this person sucks, plus imitations, role-playing and a monologue. Betches have turned hating into an art form. No bestie can resist the “I Hate Nikki” Variety Hour.

So how does someone go from being your run-of-the-mill ambiguously disliked fellow betch, to the girl you daydream about gaining 80 pounds and working at Dairy Queen? Ah, let me count the ways.

The Ex-BFF: The Ex-BFF is the Paris and Nicole, Jill Zarin and Bethenny, the Heidi and LC. Potential reasons for the falling out: the arch nemesis became extremely lame and obsessed with her boyfriend, got wayyy prettier than you, #1 talked shit about you behind your back, didn’t defend you when her boyfriend called you fat, blah blah blah.

This is often awkward if it’s someone who’s still in your inner circle, so she better hope she doesn’t do something to piss off the rest of the group. Note to Ex-BFF: One arch nemesis in the group, you can maybe survive. Two, you’re dunzo. Say hello to Saturday nights reading your Kindle with Ben and Jerry. Let’s hope the tide doesn’t turn that way.

The Girl Who’s Fucking The Guy You Used To Fuck/The Girl Who Used To Fuck The Guy You’re Currently Fucking: This one is kind of self-explanatory. These girls are Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie.

Anyone can be this girl, so here’s our advice to you: don’t underestimate the power of a betch who doesn’t need to pretend to be nice to you in any sort of social setting. As soon as she finds out your name and stalks you on Facebook, you’re on the WYDEL.

Once a betch has made you her arch nemesis, she’ll be the one you encounter at the bar who’s shooting you death stares while pointing and laughing at you with her friends. Consider yourself lucky. That’s only because she can’t get close enough to spill her drink on you. If you’re dealing with a serious betch, you might even get yourself punched in the face. While some may say this is unladylike, whoever said betches were fucking ladies?

The Roomie Fallout: This situation is Sammi Sweetheart and every other girl on Jersey Shore. You never know how much you hate a betch until you fucking live with her. You may think you’re BFF, but cut to six months later, you’re seriously considering burning all her shoes while she’s at the gym.

Why would you have a falling out with a roommate? Either she’s really disgusting, a secret sociopathic #7 BSCB, she has an annoying boyfriend, or she won’t stop complaining to you about all her fucking problems. Helloooo, read the last post!

You find yourself strategizing when she’ll be in the apartment so you can do things to annoy her, or completely avoid her. When you find yourself wishing you were roommates with the uni-bomber instead of this girl, just start so much shit with her that she moves out, or you have grounds to evict her. You’re a true betch (and bitch!) if you succeed in having this roomie move out. Now the fun part is deciding what to turn her room into. I would turn it into my closet if it wasn’t still infected with your former presence. Drug den anyone? Peace, loser.

If found on a betch’s WYDEL, you should make serious moves to get yourself off that shit. Wanna know what happens when you think you can pull one over on a betch? Just ask Nancy Kerrigan.

11. Jersey Shore

24 Feb

Right now, betches all across the land are anxiously awaiting tonight’s episode of Jersey Shore. We’re SOOOO excited to get our weekly fix of important world news such as: How many times will Ronnie cry? How much weight has Deena gained since last week? Will the cabs come?

Jersey Shore, or JShore, as many betches call it, epitomizes a love-hate relationship for us, kind of like being dependent on your daddy for money. Yeah, we all fucking LOVE it and can’t live without it, but really, how long am I gonna milk this thing for?

Snooki adding a three minute kiddie ride to her fifteen minutes of fame!

We love Jersey Shore because it gives us a free pass, if you will, to excuse our own behavior. Yeah, I go out six nights a week, never go to class, and wake up after noon every day, but at least my grandma doesn’t have to watch guys on television talking about how I love to give rim jobs! (P.S. betches don’t.) But that doesn’t mean we don’t have a lot in common with them! We all love to tan, get black out drunk, and are attention whores. Jersey Shore represents the worst possible version of ourselves… in the best possible way. We’re convinced the cast was compiled by finding the craziest #7 BSCB in various friend groups of Italian-American betches and bros from the tri-state area.

JShore provides us with many forms of entertainment other than the show itself. Mostly, it’s a great reason to start drinking before 10pm on Thursdays and provides an interactive pregame “situation.” (Hahaha PUN-NYYYY!!!)

For all you betches who haven’t done a Jersey Shore pregame, here are the rules we like to play with. Normally, in a game like this one, the moments one chooses to take a shot would be rare, but since we’re trying to get obliterated (in a classy way, of course), we choose to pick moments that happen as often as possible. Did you just hear someone say juicehead? I don’t know… let’s take a shot anyway!!

1. someone uses the words grenade, land mine, juice head, GTL: 1 shot per word
2. someone falls on their ass: 1 shot, 2 shots if it’s Deena
3. smushing: 2 shots if it happens, 1 shot if discussed
4. cast member vomits: tequila shot
5. Any time you see Ronnie’s fucking retarded commercial for Xenadrine, drink an entire bottle of wine to the face

We’ll leave you with some words of wisdom just in case your night turns sour. Compliments of J-Woww to Snooki in Season 1, from one psycho betch to another: “feel better, eat some food (don’t actually do this), drink heavily.” Pregame hard, betches!!!

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