Tag Archives: #lucky sperm club

Betch of the Week: Kate Middleton

30 Apr

This week’s Betch of the Week should come as no surprise. Yes betches, we were awake at 5am the other night for the one #2 newsworthy broadcast of the decade, and ever since our first glimpse of Kate Middleton in the most unreal wedding dress EVER, we’ve been obsessed.

We know we throw this term around a lot, but Kate Middleton is THE ultimate betch. Once a “commoner,” Kate went off to college like any other girl and somehow, being the luckiest person in the entire world, found herself the ultimate bro boyfriend. Now it’s just a matter of years until she’s the Queen of fucking England.

It must have been hard for William to explain this photo to the Queen.

How did she catch Prince Wills? By dressing like a slut in a fashion show, and probably having some great fucking game.

Cut back to 2007. “Waity Katie” managed to completely circumvent getting a job and avoid all the pains of post-grad betchdom in the way only the finest members of the #17 Lucky Sperm Club can. Minor issue… a Kate and Wills breakup! But Kate played the #16 post breakup betch like a fucking champ, spending her days shopping for shoes and dresses and shit, so the tabloids could comment on how hot she looked when she went out #20 clubbing with other famous bros who just “happened” to be friends with Will! She let the paparazzi snap a few pics of her out partying and loving life, which obvs pissed Will off (jealous prince!), because we all know how the fairy tale ends. She fucking #32 won.

Now Kate gets to live in a palace and generally just chill for the rest of her life as a professional fashion icon. No matter what she does or wears or says, the media buys that shit like it’s the fucking gospel. Designers literally beg her to wear their clothes! They made her into a Barbie! They’ve even named a hairstyle after her, called “The Kate.” Do they really not expect anyone to notice that we’ve all worn this so-called “style” before?

Look at that jealous betch in the corner.


Oh em geeeeee how do they get her hair to look like that!? It’s called a blow dryer and hot rollers, assholes.

We’re also jealous of Kate because no one will stop talking about how fucking #5 skinny she is. We get it, we’ve all been watching E!, but they’re not even accusing her of having an eating disorder when they mention her 23-inch waist! No American celebrity could dream of such positive press attention, but lucky for Kate, the Brits know how to shut the fuck up and respect royalty. Still, show me a picture of Kate and I’ll suddenly remember why I haven’t eaten in twelve hours.

Also, that engagement ring.

So thank you, Kate Middleton. Aside from being an inspiration to betches all around the world for your beauty and poise, you also gave us an excuse to hang out in #10 Candyland until 7am on a Thursday night.

24. Insensitivity

15 Mar

“I don’t understand what I did wrong except live a life that everyone is jealous of.” – Charlie Sheen

Although betches don’t necessarily idolize Charlie Sheen, we’re extremely impressed by his ability to say whatever the fuck he wants and not care what anyone thinks. Just like Charlie, this would be our first instinct in response to someone complaining that we only care about ourselves and are insensitive to others’ issues. We really admire him for having the balls to not pretend like he gives a shit about anyone. He’s also our favorite member of the #17 Lucky Sperm Club.

Unfortunately, betches don’t get to share their insensitivity with the entire nation like Charlie does, although we would appreciate the ability to have the media hanging on our every word. We’re jealous betches.

It’s not that betches don’t care about the world, we just care about other shit first. We’re deeply sensitive about the earthquake in Japan, as long as we don’t have to discuss it until after the final rose is handed out on The Bachelor.

Our insensitivity is pretty much reserved for the annoying and insignificant complaints of fellow betches. There’s nothing worse than listening to other people’s issues, especially ones that are clearly not important to you, not in your control, and/or not worth your valuable time.

Aww, sorry you got a bad grade on your test! It’s not my fault you’re against taking Adderall, bitch.

I’m sorry your boyfriend broke up with you for the third time this week… do I look like your fucking therapist? I would love to help you figure out the exact moment when your relationship fell apart, but I’m too busy living my life.

You can’t find your passport and our plane’s leaving in an hour? Thank God! I was wondering how I was gonna get out of rooming with you on Spring Break!

This lack of sensitivity is actually empowering and allows us to be more powerful women in society. Who wants the CEO of their company crying over some measly lawsuit? We totally understand why people don’t want a woman president! No one wants to watch the State of the Union and see some dumb bitch crying over the deficit. Unfortunately we didn’t catch that this year, we had to hit up happy hour that day because it interfered with our usual primetime shows.

When a betch’s bitching is getting to you, just take a deep breath and recite the betch mantra: YOUR PROBLEM IS NOT MY PROBLEM. Next time you see the girl in your English class crying because she doesn’t like the other girls in your group project, your first instinct should be to giggle, rather than console.

The only time it’s considered acceptable for a betch to cry is when she’s wasted, and still, this is restricted to private spaces ONLY. So when you’re looking for a shoulder to cry on, the last one you should look for is that of a fellow betch. We’re pretty sure Stalin’s besties weren’t complaining to him about how their army uniform didn’t go with their purse gun satchel. Even back then they knew not to waste the precious time of people who matter.

If we wanted to give a shit about anyone besides ourselves, we’d get knocked up. At least that person would share our DNA.

23. The Pregame

14 Mar

Since betches always have a lot of shit going on, we often have to pick and choose which activities we can squeeze into our busy schedules. However, there is one activity that is our absolute priority no matter what. Pregaming. Betches will find an excuse to pregame pretty much anything. Besides the obvious major events like #4 birthdays, #12 tailgates, #14 dates, and #20 clubbing, short of taking the LSATs and going to our first day of work, it’s basically mandatory that we get fucked up before any and all activities.

Sorority initiation starting in 20 minutes? NO CHANCE I’m walking into such an event without sparking a j first! We’d all take the $100 fine for being absent before even considering attending sober.

Pregame hard, avoid rufilin.

OMG my cousin’s boyfriend’s dad’s birthday is tonight! Let’s throw a PG to celebrate in his absence! Cheeeeeeers!

So why do betches love pregaming so much? Besides the fact that it’s an excuse to gather our besties to laugh, bond, and #1 talk shit (and a lot of it), pregames are essential in that they ensure that wherever we’re going after, we’re not bored. Not bored = fucked up. If the day after, you still have vivid memories of your time at the bars/clubs/graduation/your grandma’s 90th birthday party, you know you didn’t pregame hard enough. Wait, did I really ask my grandpa for a drag of his cig last night? That’s more like it.

Betches also enjoy the exclusivity of pregames. Who will we invite? Who will be snubbed? Facebook invite or word of mouth?

Should we invite Dani? She’s been so annoying lately, giving me a play by play every 5 minutes of what she’s “up to.” Did I fucking ask what you’re fucking up to?! Whatever, hopefully she’ll bring some drugs.

Julie wouldn’t give me her notes from last week when I was hungover and didn’t go to class? Selfish bitch. She can drink alone!

Obviously as a betch, in addition to hosting pregames, you will be bombarded with invitations to attend a multitude of pre-bar events. Deciding which PG to attend is often one of the toughest decisions of our night.

Ugh, do we want to go to Jamie’s apartment? She’s never good for anything but Georgi! Cheap bitch! And Megan’s loser friends from class will probably be there. Whatever, it’ll be fine, we’ll just sit in the corner and drink their alc, while BBMing each other about how Lauren’s “new boyfriend” is really just a guy she fucked in the bathroom at a bar …once.

One of the biggest impediments to a sick pregame is your lame friend who decides she needs to “be a real person tomorrow” so she “isn’t going to get that fucked up tonight.”‬‪ Usually, that betch is fucked. Everyone will talk shit about her as soon as they part ways at the bar‬‪ and call her out for pretending to be drunker than she is when we’re out‬. WE ALL KNOW you only took 3 shots!!!‬ Being the lone sober betch, or the LSB (not to be confused with #17 LSC), is zero fun, and this betch will usually sit in the corner BBMing her boyfriend and thinking about many how more times she can get away with the “I’m sick” excuse. Bitch you’ve been sick for three fucking weeks.

This betch is not good for anything besides recounting funny drunk stories about the hysterical things you and your besties did when you were blackout, since she will be the only one sober enough to remember. But she’s still fucked because she’ll follow that up with some story about how you made a complete fool of yourself. Uh, sorry you think it’s embarrassing that I fell off the table last night. I personally thought my dismount was flawless.

Everyone knows that the best bonding occurs not over baking cakes and cookies, but over the three too many mimosas consumed during the drunk brunch before Amanda’s birthday lunch. Can I please have a mimosa? Hold the orange juice.

Oh no! It's Earth Day and we haven't pregamed yet!

Betches love a great PG because it combines our favorite things to do and gives us the alcohol lubrication that we need to divulge our deepest secrets. You and a few betches are chillin’ around a bathroom sink during the PG while passing your mail key around… What a perfect opportunity to share the story of how you gave yourself an abortion on spring break! All it took was some ecstasy and cocaine!

So if you’re trying to decide where you’re going tonight, the betchiest pregame should be your first choice. Actually a bro’s PG would be just as good (boys and booze, duh). Expect a shit ton of vodka, an array of the latest techno mixes from djCOHEN (aka the guy that lives down the hall who happens to own big headphones), and the coolest people you know. Remember betches, always bring your A-game to the pregame. It is your responsibility to set an example for others, prove how hard you can rage, and fuck anyone up who tries to get in your way.

17. The Lucky Sperm Club

2 Mar

Although betches are generally obsessed with themselves, it gets tiring to constantly think only about oneself. We sometimes have to take a break and focus on others, and since a betch never thinks about anyone less cool than her, fortunately we have numerous celebrities whom we love and admire. But there are no celebrities that we find more intriguing than the members of the Lucky Sperm Club. Think Paris Hilton, the Kardashians, the entire Royal Family.

Betches love anyone from the Lucky Sperm Club. No amount of hard work will get you into the LSC. Being a member of the LSC requires being born into a family where someone else (perhaps generations ago) had legitimate talent, and even though you’re only questionably competent, you have the chance to automatically be well-liked, famous, and rich.

Not all members of the LSC are created equal. Some have more talent than others (Drew Barrymore, Gwyneth Paltrow, Charlie Sheen, the Smith children) and we often forget that they were even the spawn of legends. Or sometimes we just don’t care how talented you are, and the less obvious the reason for your fame, the more interested we are in finding out everything about you. We’re talking about Paris Hilton, everyone from The Hills, the Kardashians, Ivanka Trump, Rumer Willis, Suri Cruise (you’re three years old and already a fashion icon?) and our personal favorite, the Royal Family.

Why so much respect for the Royal Family? It’s because they’re somehow able to personify class, even as they’ve continued to milk their family’s money and status for centuries. This is the true essence of what it means to be in the LSC. But royalty is the shit because they also manage to keep relatively private, unlike the multitude of fame whores who comprise this group. They’ve mastered the art of hard to get, which is the key to every betch’s heart. As much as Prince Harry is the black sheep media whore in the fam, you’d never see a royal in even the classiest Chanel ad. Unlike Kim Kardashian who gets paid by the amount of perfume bottles she sells, the Royal Family gets paid by every citizen in the United Kingdom just to be who they are. Imagine having an entire nation taxed so you can have a ski home in Switzerland! They’re also the only ones besides Madonna who can get away with no one knowing what their last name is.

We love tons of celebrities, but there’s a special place in our hearts for the LSC. They’re sooo entertaining, and there’s nothing more exciting than finding out one of them got a DUI or has a sex tape. It’s important to note that all of these celebrities will claim to have earned their success based on their talent and hard work, because starring in a reality show where cameras follow you to Anguilla is just like working 22 hours a day at an investment bank.

What we do admire is their unwarranted sense of self-love because as betches, it’s an emotion we can totally connect with. As LSC President Paris Hilton once said, “I get half a million just to show up at parties. My life is like, really, really fun.” This is what betches aspire to, and regardless of their attitudes toward it, we still admire their lifestyle, if only because it involves partying, being skinny, and getting to design their own clothes.

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