Tag Archives: #mupload!!!

22. The Group Photog

10 Mar

Facebook is an extremely important part of The Betch Life, and we all know why. Would anyone give a shit about Facebook if it were a collection of pointless statuses and a platform to play Farmville? No, nobody cares about that freak you knew in 4th grade who friended you for no reason except to stalk your life.

There’s only one reason we constantly check Facebook. Photos. Facebook albums are what makes Sunday a half-acceptable day, and you know you’re going to harass your friend with the camera to put that shit up ASAP.

Let’s talk about the group photog. The group photog is different than the #6 muploader, who takes care of pics on Tuesdays and Sundays when we go out in our second-tier outfits. But the group photog handles weekends and big events like homecoming and Halloween, and you need her to ensure that you have over 1,000 tagged pictures. Anyone who has less than 200 might as well have their profile red-flagged and branded with LOSER at the top.

Group photog gets revenge

The photog is one of the most high-pressure roles in the group. Besides the need to be on constant active camera duty, she’s almost solely responsible for your Facebook image. Almost 2,000 of your 2,500 tagged photos are hers, and the day she makes her albums private will be the end of your betchy reputation on the internet. Her Spring Break album from sophomore year is probably the sole reason that no one will ever hire you.

Being group photog comes with serious responsibilities, and sometimes you’re just one accidentally uploaded photo away from committing one of these serious photog offenses:

Putting up every single pic: Betches look gorg in every picture they take, but no one wants to see 17 versions of the same six girls standing in a different order. This usually means the photog uploads the group picture where she looks the best and casually deletes the others.

(Side note: There are universal steps for approaching the group picture. As soon as you see the photog reach for her camera, everyone immediately scrambles to get the spot in the middle. Obviously you want to be photographed in the center of your bestie group, but if you can’t get there in time and get stuck on the end, make sure to put your hand on your hip so your arm appears #5 skinny.)

But I don't wanna be on the end!!!

Uploading but not tagging: You’re really making me go through and tag YOUR pictures, so everyone can see that I went out of my way to do it? No thanks, no ones supposed to know I’ve even seen this album unless I’m making a HILARIOUS comment on the picture where Jenny is funneling from the top of the stairs. “You go Jenny! WHAT A CHAMP!!” I’d rather let your album fade into Facebook oblivion. That’s what you get for being a lazy bitch who doesn’t tag.

Refusing to delete: Are you kidding me? I have a double chin and four stomach rolls.

Not editing: We expect the group photog to enhance, retouch, boost color, and crop out our appendages if they appear even slightly bloated.

Losing her camera: You lost the picture where the upper-right corner of my forehead looks skinny?! I don’t care if you went to the hospital and had to get your stomach pumped! Keep track of your shit! Get the fuck out of my apartment, betch. And don’t come back until you get a new camera. This one better be fucking touch screen so I can zoom in on myself with ease!

Not being on active camera duty: You’re fired. There are always some events where everyone’s too fucked up and having too great of a time to even care if it’s being documented. While this sounds desirable in theory, there’s always the question: Would we rather have had an amazing time or pictures that make the rest of the world think we had an amazing time? We think you know the answer.

With all this pressure on the group photog, why would anyone want to deal with it? Some betches just like photography… we all know the one who’s trying to be artsy with her camera. Sometimes the photog is the non-betchy accident in the friend group who’s really only there out of necessity and because you’ve already been friends for three years of college so it’s too late to get rid of her. She assumes the role of photog as part of being the group bitch.

Sometimes a betch just craves the control that comes with the job and wants to show everyone how amazing her life is and how many formals she goes to. She has the power of God to upload that pic where you look like a whale, or the one where you look amazingggg and she looks like a whale. If a picture is taken and never uploaded onto Facebook, did it really exist? Answer: NO. Like a Goddess on Mount Olympus, the group photog gets to decide.

All in all, while there’s a lot of room for the group photog to fuck up, we need her to take on this responsibility and we’re all grateful. To show your appreciation for your photog bestie, just try to minimize your eye rolling when she’s snapping pics at the pregame and pulls the most painful card she has. “It’s my camera, shot not end!”

15. Justin Bieber

1 Mar

You’re sitting there, your face and body are getting all hot and tingly, you start breaking out in a cold sweat, your heart is racing, and you’re trying to fight back the smile spreading across your face, but you can’t. It’s too late, you’ve come down with a case of Bieber Fever and there’s nothing from #10 Candyland to cure it.

We all have that friend who’s absolutely adored him from day one and has been begging you to see Never Say Never in 3D for months now. You agreed, not because you wanted to see what all the hype was about, but because Betch of the Week Chelsea Handler loves and flirts with him. Maybe you can even do a funny #6 mobile upload with those 3D glasses on, and if not, it’s still a great excuse to smoke weed and see a movie. Whatever.

You soon find yourself sitting in the theater, unable to contain yourself. The second you see the Biebs, you’re brainwashed like Derek Zoolander by fucking Mugatu. Then it comes to the slow motion hair flip. GAME OVER. You’ve lost it and you have full on Bieber Fever.

Dad in the back thinking: SHUT THE FUCK UP BETCHES! I just wanna hear Bieber!

Then you see Biebs singing to that girl on stage during “One Less Lonely Girl.” You find yourself in a jealous rage and you’re screaming in a theater full of tweens and their moms, “BETCH, THAT BOY IS MINE!!!!” …And now your friend who dragged you to the movie is being an even bigger betch because she’s all like, “Uhhh, told ya so. I take all the credit because I discovered him first.” And you’re all like, “whatever, betch.”

Now you go home, purchase every song he’s ever sang and hit up YouTube to watch every interview and video he’s ever made. And now you and all of your friends are posting Bieber-related posts on each other’s Facebooks. Bieber or Die.

What IS it that makes him so cute? That hair. That smile. That voice. He’s such a flirt and a ladies’ man. There should be a new word to describe attraction to Justin Bieber. BACK THE FUCK OFF, SELENA. Is it weird that we’re actually attracted to him? Uhh, no, he’s a heartthrob, so what if it makes you a certified cougar? Okay, so it’s creepy. I don’t care. It’s Justin. Pelvic thrust.

You want to know everything and anything Bieber, but one day, when you’re at the gym because you’re obvi on a #5 diet (Spring Break soon!), you glance at CNN and you almost fall off the treadmill. They’re saying that Bieber cut his hair! Legitimate news sources are calling this breaking news. This is an epidemic. RIP Hair Flip.

Egypt what? Protests in Libya?

The minute you get home you immediately Google his new haircut. Fuck showering. You mourn the Hair Flip for a few minutes, but like… boy still looks good, for real. Then you find out he’s selling his hair for charity (see, he’s soo nice!), and you decide this is where you cross the line and anyone who buys it is certifiable, even though you secretly want to sleep with a lock of his hair under your pillow.

We understand that bros are jealous. They should be. Overheard by a betch last weekend: “Justin Bieber is the only guy who does it for me”…her boyfriend was standing right next to her. For all you haters, just embrace it. It’s only a matter of time until you’re infected.

So, Happy 17th Birthday Justin!! Only 365 days until I can legally seduce you. Unless of course we’re in Canada, where the legal age of consent is 14. Yeah, I Googled it, judge me. I’m gonna go put on my purple American Apparel hoodie, peace.

Betch of the Week: Chelsea Handler

25 Feb

“I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.” Chelsea Handler

There is NO ONE betches love more than Chelsea Handler. That’s because she embodies everything we aspire to be and more. What’s not to love about Chelsea? She has her own late night talk show where she gets to #1 talk shit about celebrities and gets paid for it. She’s written three hysterical books where all she talks about is having sex and being drunk and making fun of her dad. Chelsea tells it like it is. She’s like, really pretty, and she doesn’t give a fuck what anyone thinks about her…. All qualities that the ultimate betch possesses. A job where you get to rehash your blackout nights while making fun of D-List celebrities to their faces!? Sign us the fuck up! Today is Chelsea’s 36th birthday and we can honestly say that even though she’s old as fuck, there’s still no one we’d rather be than her! HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHELSEA!!!

Actual event. This picture is not staged. Note: the books.

Now, betches don’t have any issues with people who read books for fun. But while fucking nice girls spend their summers reading Jodi Picoult’s My Sister’s Keeper while crying alone in their rooms, and our dads read some boring political shit (Side note: as it turns out, Freakonomics is not about some wild #7 BSCB), betches spend their time reading three books: My Horizontal Life, Are You There Vodka, it’s Me, Chelsea! and Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang. We are SOOO excited for May 10th when Lies that Chelsea Told Me is released and we’ll have something to occupy ourselves while we’re tanning by the pool.

Chelsea Handler is like, the funniest betch alive. Pretty much all of her quotes could be related to shit betches love. Here are some of our faves:

“My mother told me that life isn’t always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.”

“Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It’s just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you’re a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you’re with immediately starts text messaging her friends, you have a small penis.”

For all these reasons, Chelsea is our Betch of the Week. If you have any suggestions for next week’s favorite betch, feel free to leave a comment or tweet it to us! http://www.twitter.com/betchesluvthis

Finally, in the spirit of last night’s #11 Jersey Shore post, the only funnier commentary on the show than ours is clearly Chelsea’s.

6. Mobile Uploads

22 Feb

Because betches are the most important people around, it’s their duty to keep all their besties and betch followers updated on their every move. Naturally, this is accomplished through a constant stream of BBM status updates, tweets, and Facebook statuses. But for a true betch, nothing matches the statement made with their favorite form of update: the mobile upload (often referred to by its common abbreviation, “mupload”).

Since a basic requirement for being a betch is owning a Blackberry (iPhones are soooo manly. What’s that Android thing again?) the camera feature has become a huge part of The Betch Life. Whenever a betch goes out on the town, it’s absolutely critical that everyone she knows is aware of exactly what she’s doing and with whom. Since a real betch is too cool to spend time taking boring pics with a camera and uploading albums with 60 pics of 5-10 girls smiling with their hands on their hips so they look #5 skinny, her muploads show that she’s super busy and super popular and “omg so funny!!” A mupload screams “I’m too cool for Facebook albums but my life is just too fabulous to not share this pic of my best betch vomming in her own bag!”

OMG, Ally stole some bro’s hat at the bar!? That’s soooo funny!! Mupload that! …But wait, what should I caption it!?

After fewer than five minutes, the photo will already be on Facebook, captioned “Cool hat Al!” (good one, right!?) Now all of this betch’s Facebook friends aka followers, who are clearly hugeeee losers since they’re sitting at home on Facebook instead of going out and RAGINGGGGG, can live vicariously and have sooo much fun too!! YAYYY!!

One might argue that some betches actually only engage in activities based on opportunities for muploads. For those of you who live this way, don’t worry, we get you, but it’s time to get a life.

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