Tag Archives: #paul rudd

8. Not Having Sex With Bros (sometimes)

22 Feb

It’s 2am and you’re hanging outside the bar thinking of ways to distract yourself from eating while on your #5 diet, even though the pizza place is across the street and you’re just below blackout. Then you see him standing across the street: the self-proclaimed “bro.”

The bro’s goal for the night is to fuck the hottest betch around, who, let’s face it, is you (thanks for the heads up Bros Like This Site!!). He motions for you to come over. As a true betch you’re not going for that shit, and you scream that if he wants to talk to you he can cross the fucking street.

He obviously does.

The two of you start talking when he mentions that he has weed. OMG, yes, I love blunts!!! The thought entices you enough to go back to his place, smoke and watch Knocked Up. Ahhh Paul Rudd!!! Love him too!! In addition, this is a great way to avoid #5 eating, at least for an hour. In your drunken state, it’s the perfect activity.

You go back, smoke a little weed, and this bro obviously starts to make out with you. You’re almost drunk/high enough and are considering having sex with him. At least it’ll be a workout!

Then you snap out of it and realize who you are. You’re a betch, and it will take more than a blunt and a ride in his BMW to conquer this shit. As a betch you realize that while bros rule the world (yeah, betches are secure enough in their awesomeness to admit it, who do you think you’re marrying anyway?), betches have the power to not have sex with them. Even their daddy’s money can’t get you to put out. As he tries to put his hand down your pants you yawn and say that you’ve got a super early group meeting and you’re so sorry and thanks for the blunt and you have to go. As if I’d ever go to any group meeting before noon. Bye.

See, the difference between your average slut and a betch is that a betch doesn’t just use her hotness to get laid, she uses it to manipulate the bros who think they’re in charge. Hellloooo just look at history! Anne Boleyn got her betchy ass to be Queen of England simply by not putting out to the ultimate asshole bro, Henry VIII.

This is not to say betches don’t love having sex, but unlike bros, our vaginas aren’t attached to our brains. Except sometimes if you had too many shots, and were so drunk that you actually had that beer to put you over, you might end up fucking him anyway… in that case it’s always fun to do a prank call with your betches a few weeks later telling him you’re knocked up and are gonna need about 18 years of child support.

2. Not Keeping Up With The News

16 Feb

“Hey, in some parts of the universe, maybe not in contempo casual, but in some parts it’s considered cool to know what’s going on in the world.” – Josh from Clueless

Even though we loooove Clueless and totally think Josh is adorable, betches don’t live in that part of the universe. In betch world, lack of knowledge about what’s going on in the rest of the world allows us to remain in a cloud of ignorant betch bliss. But that’s not to say we don’t appreciate world tragedies! When our dad or some loser tells us about a national fiasco or natural disaster, we listen sympathetically and contribute our own two cents, adding that Kendra is moving back to L.A. and The Biebs’ Never Say Never got rave reviews. We definitely take advantage of these situations to get ideas for creative Halloween costumes, or maybe drop into conversation at a job interview. Last year everyone thought it was hysterical when we dressed up as Chilean miners, and that was only like, 10 days after they got rescued!

This is who we keep up with. Sorry, not sorry.

It’s not that we don’t care about the world. It’s just that it’s so boring and who has time to worry about the situation in Egypt when Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds are getting a divorce!!!! Oh my gahhhh!!!

See, we do know what’s going on in the world. This is because we get almost all of our information from a few of our fave news sources: Perez Hilton, TMZ, People Magazine and USWeekly, and E! News. We may not be like, all over the Wall Street Diary, but we’re not toooootally oblivious. Like for example, we were perfectly aware when the volcanic eruption in Europe interfered with our trip to Paris while we were #3 abroad, and we knew exactly how to book our flights around that ash cloud. What was that volcano called again? Whatever, thanks weather.com!

Living in a world without news actually makes us way more tolerant and accepting than those who are so-called “well-read.” Some people have long and deep-seeded hatred for others based on centuries of political turmoil and cultural distrust, but when my brother asked me if my Israeli and Iranian besties ever quarrel about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, it was so great to tell him that the only thing they ever fight about was who got a better tan! See, it’s easy to coexist when you don’t know what the fuck is going on. And they say that the person who cares the least has the most power, right?

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