Tag Archives: #pregame

28. The Drunken Brawl

5 Apr

Although betches are usually pretty good about keeping their shit-talking and insults on the down low, it’s also widely known that the right amount of alcohol lubrication can get the word vomit flowing in the wrong place at the wrong time. Enter the Drunken Betch Brawl.

Okay, so you’ve been secretly #1 talking shit about Alyssa for like three weeks now. Ever since you saw her talking to this bro at the bars who you hooked up with six months ago for like, 50 whole seconds, this betch has been coming way too close to #25 WYDEL status. However, you’ve been good at containing your shit-talking to sneaky BBMs, so the stupid bitch still thinks you’re besties.

Welcome to Friday night at the bars. After six too many vodka shots at the #23 pregame you head to the bars and all of the sudden you notice your drink has been accidentally knocked over by none other than Alyssa, your irritation of the moment. Given this perfect opportunity for fake payback, you immediately start to ball this betch out.

They should make more than one bathroom at the Jersey Shore house.

You fucking whore do you know how much this shirt cost!? I’d make you pay for it immediately if your parents weren’t so fucking poor that paying me back would demand a second mortgage on your house.

The brawl ensues, sometimes even escalating to a physical level where the bouncer or one of your bro friends has to hold you both back while others look on in awe. Everyone knows you don’t fuck with a betch. Mess with us, expect tears to stream down your face faster and harder than Niagara Fucking Falls.

Mind you, you probably don’t want to find yourself in this kind of entanglement with a betch you know personally, so you can only imagine the possibilities when a betch is in a particularly aggressive mood and shit goes down with a complete stranger.

Cut to #26 Spring Break and some random community college retard is taking too long in the bathroom stall. You and your besties need to get in like, now, so that’s when you pull your first move: slamming on the bathroom door like you’re the fucking Gestapo. Stop giving yourself an abortion in there when other people have important drugs to do, you trashy whore!

This is usually followed by the opening of the door and the ultimate screaming match. A typical brawl might include:

“Oh wow, I can see why you haven’t been opening the door, you’re probably trying to hide your gross curly-ass hair!”

“My ugly ass hair? Look at yours! Looks like somebody’s been using Loreal highlights home kits!”

Remember girls, nice girls finish last, and wind up waiting 45 minutes in the bathroom line.

We agree that it’s not the classiest move in the world to get into drunken fights and casually ball girls out, but if it’s acceptable for bros to get into fist fights, we can certainly pull the equivalent female move to make some stupid bitch wish she never crossed our path: making bitches cry.

Once someone cries it’s proper etiquette to back down. You’ve won, no one needs to go to the hospital, and the winning betch gets yet another confirmation that she is more powerful and better in every way. Sticks and stones may break bones, but call a bitch a fatass and the pain of the eating disorder you just sparked will last much longer than the sting of your betch slap.

23. The Pregame

14 Mar

Since betches always have a lot of shit going on, we often have to pick and choose which activities we can squeeze into our busy schedules. However, there is one activity that is our absolute priority no matter what. Pregaming. Betches will find an excuse to pregame pretty much anything. Besides the obvious major events like #4 birthdays, #12 tailgates, #14 dates, and #20 clubbing, short of taking the LSATs and going to our first day of work, it’s basically mandatory that we get fucked up before any and all activities.

Sorority initiation starting in 20 minutes? NO CHANCE I’m walking into such an event without sparking a j first! We’d all take the $100 fine for being absent before even considering attending sober.

Pregame hard, avoid rufilin.

OMG my cousin’s boyfriend’s dad’s birthday is tonight! Let’s throw a PG to celebrate in his absence! Cheeeeeeers!

So why do betches love pregaming so much? Besides the fact that it’s an excuse to gather our besties to laugh, bond, and #1 talk shit (and a lot of it), pregames are essential in that they ensure that wherever we’re going after, we’re not bored. Not bored = fucked up. If the day after, you still have vivid memories of your time at the bars/clubs/graduation/your grandma’s 90th birthday party, you know you didn’t pregame hard enough. Wait, did I really ask my grandpa for a drag of his cig last night? That’s more like it.

Betches also enjoy the exclusivity of pregames. Who will we invite? Who will be snubbed? Facebook invite or word of mouth?

Should we invite Dani? She’s been so annoying lately, giving me a play by play every 5 minutes of what she’s “up to.” Did I fucking ask what you’re fucking up to?! Whatever, hopefully she’ll bring some drugs.

Julie wouldn’t give me her notes from last week when I was hungover and didn’t go to class? Selfish bitch. She can drink alone!

Obviously as a betch, in addition to hosting pregames, you will be bombarded with invitations to attend a multitude of pre-bar events. Deciding which PG to attend is often one of the toughest decisions of our night.

Ugh, do we want to go to Jamie’s apartment? She’s never good for anything but Georgi! Cheap bitch! And Megan’s loser friends from class will probably be there. Whatever, it’ll be fine, we’ll just sit in the corner and drink their alc, while BBMing each other about how Lauren’s “new boyfriend” is really just a guy she fucked in the bathroom at a bar …once.

One of the biggest impediments to a sick pregame is your lame friend who decides she needs to “be a real person tomorrow” so she “isn’t going to get that fucked up tonight.”‬‪ Usually, that betch is fucked. Everyone will talk shit about her as soon as they part ways at the bar‬‪ and call her out for pretending to be drunker than she is when we’re out‬. WE ALL KNOW you only took 3 shots!!!‬ Being the lone sober betch, or the LSB (not to be confused with #17 LSC), is zero fun, and this betch will usually sit in the corner BBMing her boyfriend and thinking about many how more times she can get away with the “I’m sick” excuse. Bitch you’ve been sick for three fucking weeks.

This betch is not good for anything besides recounting funny drunk stories about the hysterical things you and your besties did when you were blackout, since she will be the only one sober enough to remember. But she’s still fucked because she’ll follow that up with some story about how you made a complete fool of yourself. Uh, sorry you think it’s embarrassing that I fell off the table last night. I personally thought my dismount was flawless.

Everyone knows that the best bonding occurs not over baking cakes and cookies, but over the three too many mimosas consumed during the drunk brunch before Amanda’s birthday lunch. Can I please have a mimosa? Hold the orange juice.

Oh no! It's Earth Day and we haven't pregamed yet!

Betches love a great PG because it combines our favorite things to do and gives us the alcohol lubrication that we need to divulge our deepest secrets. You and a few betches are chillin’ around a bathroom sink during the PG while passing your mail key around… What a perfect opportunity to share the story of how you gave yourself an abortion on spring break! All it took was some ecstasy and cocaine!

So if you’re trying to decide where you’re going tonight, the betchiest pregame should be your first choice. Actually a bro’s PG would be just as good (boys and booze, duh). Expect a shit ton of vodka, an array of the latest techno mixes from djCOHEN (aka the guy that lives down the hall who happens to own big headphones), and the coolest people you know. Remember betches, always bring your A-game to the pregame. It is your responsibility to set an example for others, prove how hard you can rage, and fuck anyone up who tries to get in your way.

12. Tailgates

26 Feb

Out of respect for the fact that it’s Saturday, generally considered the best day of the week, we’d like to address one of the best ways to get blackout: TAILGATES!! Even though college football season is done, Saturdays in the fall are key to having a social life.

If you’re not willing to wake up at 7am to drink yourself stupid, you are committing social suicide. A true betch is ready to drink at any time of day, even if it means setting your Blackberry alarm for 7:05 after getting home at 5am.

Let’s go over how to properly tailgate while being the betch of the party:

Proper attire is essential. At big party schools in the north, predominately in the BIG 10, it’s all about rocking the school colors. A true betch will have a new shirt and accessories at every game, including necklaces, temporary tattoos, knee-high socks, sunglasses, and face paint. We mean EVERY Saturday, so arrange to bursar some shit at the school store and tell your parents you needed new textbooks.

For our big party schools in the south, tailgating is a little different. Here, it’s considered a serious offense to be caught not wearing your nicest frock. Southern kids look at these events as if they’re social galas straight out of the plantation era.

No matter where you’re tailgating, pre-tailgate rituals are basically universal. The bitch-betch must be the one to get the bagels and cream cheese, Starbucks, and chasers. I know what you’re thinking, betches don’t eat bagels! But eating a bagel, scooped out of course, is necessary or you will make a fool of yourself. Eat quickly, or share half your bagel with the garbage, and get to ripping shots as soon as possible. It’s considered poor form to show up sober at the actual pregame, so 5-7 shots at the PRE-pregame is customary. Oh, and be sure to bring the rest of the bottle with you to the real pregame. Betches are always prepared for emergencies.

Next you go meet up with the majority of your crew for the actual pregame at your bros’ house. At this point it’s around 9am. The game doesn’t start till 12. Yay, plenty of time to drink! Music is blasting, 85 kids are on the front lawn, the smell of marijuana and cigarettes fills the air, the funnel is getting passed around like that freshman who’s fucked all your guy friends, and everyone is getting absolutely belligerent. Soon you’re at the point of no return and you know it’s time to walk to the tailgating fields to start the real party.

The tailgate: Picture a scene with thousands of people and rows of cars that goes for miles. As you walk to where your bros have set up shop, a cop on his bike offers to open your beer for you. Your bros’ tailgate area consists of a tent with speakers and a grill, a keg, and the finest Karkov vodka for betches who won’t go near beer. It’s almost 10:30am at this point and you are really really really… I mean REALLY drunk. So you continue drinking. The grill is going, and this is when you shadily start your drunk munchies.

At 11:45 the tailgating fields start to empty out and it’s time to go to the game. But here’s the thing, when you go to a giant party school with a shitty football team, you’re not actually going. Besides, you can barely walk. This is when a true betch shines. You spot a Jimmy John’s delivery guy. A ride AND a sandwich? This is my golden fucking ticket. You walk up to him and shake your shit a little, and soon he offers to drive you home. Mmmm… I loveee the Beach Club.

Oh no, maybe they won't be delivering!

You get home but you’re stopped by that delicious smell coming from the pizza place next door (if you’re lucky and from Wisco, it’ll be covered in mac and cheese. YESSSSS). Okay betches. I know that we all want to be #5 skinny, but that is for during the week. You need to soak up that alcohol somehow. You get to your apartment and turn the game on. This is sooooo much better in HD!! You sit on your coach, roll your best betch blunt, and spark that shit up. Great fucking day.

Before you know it, you open your eyes and realize it’s 8:30pm and you’re still on that couch. You have 8 missed calls and 7 BBMs. You feel really shitty but it doesn’t fucking matter because you’re going out anyway.

A true betch will make it out for Saturday night and will black out harder then she did that day. This is what college is all about. If you cant handle it, transfer. I recommend for you Betches-in-Training, pick a big party school that tailgates on Saturdays. If you’re lucky, your high school betches that go to rival schools will come tailgate when you play each other, and if it’s a big enough game (or tailgate), your Ivy League betches will come and help with calculating your BAC. You get to spend the weekend with your best home, abroad, camp, teen tour, summer program betches, forcing vodka and beer down each others’ throats.

Listen, tailgates are the only exception for drinking beer. Choose your calories wisely during the week because when it’s tailgating time…anything goes, along with your dignity.

11. Jersey Shore

24 Feb

Right now, betches all across the land are anxiously awaiting tonight’s episode of Jersey Shore. We’re SOOOO excited to get our weekly fix of important world news such as: How many times will Ronnie cry? How much weight has Deena gained since last week? Will the cabs come?

Jersey Shore, or JShore, as many betches call it, epitomizes a love-hate relationship for us, kind of like being dependent on your daddy for money. Yeah, we all fucking LOVE it and can’t live without it, but really, how long am I gonna milk this thing for?

Snooki adding a three minute kiddie ride to her fifteen minutes of fame!

We love Jersey Shore because it gives us a free pass, if you will, to excuse our own behavior. Yeah, I go out six nights a week, never go to class, and wake up after noon every day, but at least my grandma doesn’t have to watch guys on television talking about how I love to give rim jobs! (P.S. betches don’t.) But that doesn’t mean we don’t have a lot in common with them! We all love to tan, get black out drunk, and are attention whores. Jersey Shore represents the worst possible version of ourselves… in the best possible way. We’re convinced the cast was compiled by finding the craziest #7 BSCB in various friend groups of Italian-American betches and bros from the tri-state area.

JShore provides us with many forms of entertainment other than the show itself. Mostly, it’s a great reason to start drinking before 10pm on Thursdays and provides an interactive pregame “situation.” (Hahaha PUN-NYYYY!!!)

For all you betches who haven’t done a Jersey Shore pregame, here are the rules we like to play with. Normally, in a game like this one, the moments one chooses to take a shot would be rare, but since we’re trying to get obliterated (in a classy way, of course), we choose to pick moments that happen as often as possible. Did you just hear someone say juicehead? I don’t know… let’s take a shot anyway!!

1. someone uses the words grenade, land mine, juice head, GTL: 1 shot per word
2. someone falls on their ass: 1 shot, 2 shots if it’s Deena
3. smushing: 2 shots if it happens, 1 shot if discussed
4. cast member vomits: tequila shot
5. Any time you see Ronnie’s fucking retarded commercial for Xenadrine, drink an entire bottle of wine to the face

We’ll leave you with some words of wisdom just in case your night turns sour. Compliments of J-Woww to Snooki in Season 1, from one psycho betch to another: “feel better, eat some food (don’t actually do this), drink heavily.” Pregame hard, betches!!!

5. Diets

21 Feb

When betches are sitting around doing what they do best, #1 talking shit, one of their favorite things to do is point out the recent weight fluctuations of other betches. Jamie’s face looks totally bloated lately, she should really be holding the dressing on that salad! Sucks for her! OMG, all that food Brittany ate when she went #3 abroad went straight to her thighs! Yuck!

While a betch will not eat for days because “nothing tastes as good as thin feels,” it’s hard to conjure up that inspirational picture of yourself when you had mono in 11th grade, if you’re blackout drunk and Domino’s is on the way (get the door!!). Do the calories count if I don’t remember!? Nahh!

Sometimes a betch will achieve the holy grail of betchdom, and actually lose a few pounds and look better. (Side note: no matter how skinny a betch is, she will always claim to be on a diet. The marginal 1% of betches, the fat ones, are kept around to make the others feel good about themselves, and to eat their leftovers to dispel the eating disorder rumors). Most of the time, a betch’s weight loss will be met with resentment from her “besties,” who will comment that she looks “too thin, flat chested, and no guys like her anyway.” This is most likely to be the situation if a betch’s weight loss actually resulted in her becoming the SKINNIEST BETCH IN THE FRIEND GROUP!! This would be considered unacceptable and will increase the time spent #1 talking shit about her behind her back.

So exactly how skinny does a betch desire to be? This would be a good time to mention some of the most influential betch idols when it comes to size:

OMG Steph looks so ano! Jeal.

1. Gisele Bundchen
2. Mary-Kate Olsen
3. Natalie Portman
4. Adriana Lima
5. Victoria Beckham
6. Blake Lively
7. Angelina Jolie

(Vomit break)

Anyway, how does one achieve skinny betch status? Obviously, we go on a DIIIIET!!!

When a betch declares to her friends that she’s “going on a serious diet” (usually she’s “going ano…but really”), it’s never a diet any doctor would approve and her goal weight is always about 20 pounds under the  “underweight” categorization of the BMI chart. South Beach and Weight Watchers are wayyyyyy too hard and just don’t work with our drinking habits, no offense to science and all.

Here are some of the worst-kept diet secrets, so prolific that we don’t even know what brilliant betch deserves credit for them. So try out some of these tips, and just remember, food looks wayyyyy better on the plate than it will on your ass!!!

The True Ano Diet: Generally the most popular of the betch diets, it involves eating nothing for as long as humanly possible. When you’re about to pass out have a sushi naruto roll and a bottle of water. If the eating part of this sounds unappealing, just pop an Adderall and you’ll forget that cheese fries even exist. Avoid binge eating while drinking. This diet doesn’t require exercise and helps a betch get drunk faster, thus avoiding calories from additional shotssssss (no beer, ever). Typical foods include salads (dressing on the side, duh), grilled chicken or shrimp, diet coke and iced coffee, carrot and celery sticks, 100 calorie packs (only one per day, two if you’re starrrrrving). After all, “eating disorder” is just another way of saying “effective dieting.” (Thanks BrosLikeThisSite!!! Betches love you!!!)

The One Meal A Day Diet: Similar to the True Ano Diet, except a betch will usually have one large meal consisting of anything she wants, thus she is eating her entire day of calories in one sitting; more effective if combined with exercise, especially since the one large feast will provide the energy to run for a few minutes at least. This method is easily executed if a betch can keep occupied with school work (Adderall to suppress the appetite!), exercising, napping, and going out (still no beer allowed!!!!).

The Cabbage Soup Diet: Eat only cabbage soup, day and night; most common in preparation for a big event like a fraternity formal, or vacation involving bikinis; difficult to maintain over a long period of time.

The Exercise All The Time Diet:
go to the gym for hours at a time and hit every machine possible, in addition to exercise classes like hot yoga and Soul Cycle (ugh, love Soul Cycle). Try not to overeat, but eat enough to be able to maintain a full day of exercise. This is not the diet plan for the lazy betches out there. Try to be compulsive enough to get right under that level where other betches will sit you down for an intervention (jealous betches!). Some people might call this exercise bulimia. We don’t care about them.

The FroYo Diet: Eat fro-yo in place of at least two meals a day; most effective with fat free frozen yogurt; use toppings sparingly (unless you like sprinkles, since sprinkles are so small, they’re like basicallyyy no calories!) .

The Drinking Only Diet: After sipping on wine all day, pound shots hard and fast. Then take a Xanax and pass the fuck out before your body realizes it hasn’t eaten in 12 hours.

Any one of these fail-safe, betch-proof diets is SURE to get you to the weight you wanna be, so just try it and we PROMISE you’ll see the results!!!

4. Birthdays

16 Feb

Ask any betch what her favorite day of the year is, and she’ll for sure say, “My birthday, obvs!” Birthdays are a chance for betches to dress way nicer than everyone else, celebrate the fact that they’re still young and hot, and host a big party for all their friends! Every betch knows that the birthday pregame is always wayyyyy better than the birthday party itself, and you’re only as betchy as the number of people who refuse to respond to your Facebook invite because you didn’t respond to theirs. Awaiting reply? See ya there! Maybe attending? Hmm… Go fuck yourself.

It's probably not LinzLo's bday, but what a great pic!!

First comes the matter of how to word the Facebook birthday invitation. It has to be somewhat clever, so people think you’re funny, but not too clever that it seems like you actually put any effort into it. Always appoint two or more of your best betches as admins, and make sure one of them invites the bro you like so he doesn’t think you actually want him there. Betches never look desperate. And of course, tell your besties to come at least a half hour early so it looks like you have tons of friends when your outer circle of betches arrive (also extra time to #1 talk shit!).

Birthdays are also a great time to ask your parents for random shit, not that they don’t usually give you random shit anyway. While the rest of the world gets a day, a betch’s birthday can last almost an entire week. A birthday pregame might be enough for some, but betches prefer to have a birthday brunch, birthday dinner, birthday party, sometimes even a birthday vacation (at least on the big years, like 10, 12, 13, 16, 18, 21, 25, and every subsequent age ending in 0 or 5). These events can go on for days, weeks, months… until it’s time for the next betch’s birthday! Last but not least, it’s important to mention that proper betch etiquette dictates that betches never exchange actual birthday gifts. No, gifts are meant to come from mommy and daddy, so all the other betches just chip in and buy alcohol for the birthday betch at every celebratory event. Happy birthday betches!

%d bloggers like this: