Tag Archives: #prescriptions

10. Candyland

23 Feb

Sometimes our drug dealers are on vacation too lazy to deliver (to my dealer: this is not how you run a business!) so illegal drugs are just too hard to find and we have to cut our losses and screw the hard stuff. Let’s talk prescription pills.

Some of us betches may be lucky enough to have a doctor who hands out prescriptions like he’s a fucking candy man (note to self: be friends with this betch). For the rest us, aside from raiding your daddy’s medicine cabinet during Thanksgiving break, finding these candies isn’t too hard, so let’s give you a run down of a betch’s favorite party favors:

Xanax: Oh my gosh. How am I going to go out tonight when FedEx hasn’t delivered my new boots yet?! Massive anxiety attack! Must pop a xany now! Mix it up with a little alcohol and we’ve got the perfect potion for a night of blackout destruction (less drinking! So good for the #5 diet!).

Klonopin: A little stronger than Xanax, this one takes longer to kick in, but is well worth the wait. Your #7 token crazy friend will probably have a stash.

Adderall: Also know as “Diet Coke,” this is by far a betch’s favorite study buddy… aside from that Asian in your Art History class who sends you all his work. From the library during finals week, to your desk at Goldman Sachs, this betch candy is all around us in plentiful amounts. (Are there really people who do any real work without it?) In addition to stopping you from watching Holly’s World when your paper is due in three hours, Adderall makes food your worst enemy, and convinces your brain that you’d like to be a real person, at least until the 20 mg XR wears off.

Vodka Soda Mountain is just across the Adderall River and through the Vicodin Woods

Valium/Vicodin/Percocets: You don’t see these very often in your day-to-day drug trafficking among your besties, but here’s where to look: find the betch who just had her nose or chin done, the one who just got her wisdom teeth out, or the really hard core drug bro who takes all of the above at one time. Let’s talk about the perks of percs: why take a jello shot when your entire body can feel like jello? Yay percs! When you do come across these candies, if you’re looking to do a trade, each of these pills is worth several Adderall, Xanax, and/or Klonopin. We call this the betch trail mix.

Ambien: Take this to fall asleep after your Adderall, or engage your besties in a competition to see who can stay awake on it the longest without hallucinating.

Most importantly, when you’re on spring break in some third world country, make sure to Google where the nearest farmacia is beforehand. A smart betch always makes good use of her Google maps! Just don’t get caught smuggling anything across the border at JFK…

*Alternate form of pill intake: crush and snort

5. Diets

21 Feb

When betches are sitting around doing what they do best, #1 talking shit, one of their favorite things to do is point out the recent weight fluctuations of other betches. Jamie’s face looks totally bloated lately, she should really be holding the dressing on that salad! Sucks for her! OMG, all that food Brittany ate when she went #3 abroad went straight to her thighs! Yuck!

While a betch will not eat for days because “nothing tastes as good as thin feels,” it’s hard to conjure up that inspirational picture of yourself when you had mono in 11th grade, if you’re blackout drunk and Domino’s is on the way (get the door!!). Do the calories count if I don’t remember!? Nahh!

Sometimes a betch will achieve the holy grail of betchdom, and actually lose a few pounds and look better. (Side note: no matter how skinny a betch is, she will always claim to be on a diet. The marginal 1% of betches, the fat ones, are kept around to make the others feel good about themselves, and to eat their leftovers to dispel the eating disorder rumors). Most of the time, a betch’s weight loss will be met with resentment from her “besties,” who will comment that she looks “too thin, flat chested, and no guys like her anyway.” This is most likely to be the situation if a betch’s weight loss actually resulted in her becoming the SKINNIEST BETCH IN THE FRIEND GROUP!! This would be considered unacceptable and will increase the time spent #1 talking shit about her behind her back.

So exactly how skinny does a betch desire to be? This would be a good time to mention some of the most influential betch idols when it comes to size:

OMG Steph looks so ano! Jeal.

1. Gisele Bundchen
2. Mary-Kate Olsen
3. Natalie Portman
4. Adriana Lima
5. Victoria Beckham
6. Blake Lively
7. Angelina Jolie

(Vomit break)

Anyway, how does one achieve skinny betch status? Obviously, we go on a DIIIIET!!!

When a betch declares to her friends that she’s “going on a serious diet” (usually she’s “going ano…but really”), it’s never a diet any doctor would approve and her goal weight is always about 20 pounds under the  “underweight” categorization of the BMI chart. South Beach and Weight Watchers are wayyyyyy too hard and just don’t work with our drinking habits, no offense to science and all.

Here are some of the worst-kept diet secrets, so prolific that we don’t even know what brilliant betch deserves credit for them. So try out some of these tips, and just remember, food looks wayyyyy better on the plate than it will on your ass!!!

The True Ano Diet: Generally the most popular of the betch diets, it involves eating nothing for as long as humanly possible. When you’re about to pass out have a sushi naruto roll and a bottle of water. If the eating part of this sounds unappealing, just pop an Adderall and you’ll forget that cheese fries even exist. Avoid binge eating while drinking. This diet doesn’t require exercise and helps a betch get drunk faster, thus avoiding calories from additional shotssssss (no beer, ever). Typical foods include salads (dressing on the side, duh), grilled chicken or shrimp, diet coke and iced coffee, carrot and celery sticks, 100 calorie packs (only one per day, two if you’re starrrrrving). After all, “eating disorder” is just another way of saying “effective dieting.” (Thanks BrosLikeThisSite!!! Betches love you!!!)

The One Meal A Day Diet: Similar to the True Ano Diet, except a betch will usually have one large meal consisting of anything she wants, thus she is eating her entire day of calories in one sitting; more effective if combined with exercise, especially since the one large feast will provide the energy to run for a few minutes at least. This method is easily executed if a betch can keep occupied with school work (Adderall to suppress the appetite!), exercising, napping, and going out (still no beer allowed!!!!).

The Cabbage Soup Diet: Eat only cabbage soup, day and night; most common in preparation for a big event like a fraternity formal, or vacation involving bikinis; difficult to maintain over a long period of time.

The Exercise All The Time Diet:
go to the gym for hours at a time and hit every machine possible, in addition to exercise classes like hot yoga and Soul Cycle (ugh, love Soul Cycle). Try not to overeat, but eat enough to be able to maintain a full day of exercise. This is not the diet plan for the lazy betches out there. Try to be compulsive enough to get right under that level where other betches will sit you down for an intervention (jealous betches!). Some people might call this exercise bulimia. We don’t care about them.

The FroYo Diet: Eat fro-yo in place of at least two meals a day; most effective with fat free frozen yogurt; use toppings sparingly (unless you like sprinkles, since sprinkles are so small, they’re like basicallyyy no calories!) .

The Drinking Only Diet: After sipping on wine all day, pound shots hard and fast. Then take a Xanax and pass the fuck out before your body realizes it hasn’t eaten in 12 hours.

Any one of these fail-safe, betch-proof diets is SURE to get you to the weight you wanna be, so just try it and we PROMISE you’ll see the results!!!

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