Tag Archives: #ScarJo

Betch of the Week: Perez Hilton

11 Mar

While betches don’t actually #2 follow the news, there are certain things we must keep up with if we want to have anything to talk about with our betch acquaintances. I mean, what would we have to chat about if we couldn’t contribute our two cents on the breaking news that “Scarlett Johansson snuck away with Sean Penn for a seksi 24-hour getaway to Cabo San Lucas.” (Side note: we’re still trying to make sense of how we feel about this. Sean Penn is so old-man #19 ugly hot.) When we do want to be informed on what’s going on in the world Hollywood there’s really only one place we go.

www.perezhilton.com

Many betches might not even know who the president is if not for Perez’s coverage. He manages to make all that dull shit coming out of CNN interesting with his ridiculous doodles and betchy commentary. He’s living proof that if you #1 talk enough shit, it can make you extremely successful. He’s built an entire empire on the basis of shit talking.

You're telling me he isn't a betch?

He’s also hilarious. Remember that time he was accused of child pornography for putting up a picture of Miley Cyrus without panties? Good, we have shit with Miley too. He has shit with TONS of celebrities! Fergie is a great example. We agree with him on that one also. She looks like a constipated transvestite when she performs. Super Bowl halftime show?

Some of you might wonder how he can be a betch, he’s a man! His real name is Mario Armando Lavandeira Jr! Just so you know, a requirement for being a betch is not having a vagina. Betch is a state of mind.

We especially find Perez’s reputation for outing people to be soooo betchy and we wish we could make a living out of gossiping just like he does. Being partially responsible for outing Lance Bass? We already think that’s badass, and even more badass was his response to criticism for doing so. “If you know something to be a fact, why not report it?” That’s how we feel about things. If we know something’s betchy, we report it.

If we could have any gay bestie in the world, he would be it. We even have a similar interest in hot guys! But it’s mostly because he’s all about owning who you are, calling shit like it is, and keeping it real.

“Whether you like me or not, I’m not going away anytime soon. I don’t care if you like me, I just care if you read my website.”

It’s like he’s reading our minds.

2. Not Keeping Up With The News

16 Feb

“Hey, in some parts of the universe, maybe not in contempo casual, but in some parts it’s considered cool to know what’s going on in the world.” – Josh from Clueless

Even though we loooove Clueless and totally think Josh is adorable, betches don’t live in that part of the universe. In betch world, lack of knowledge about what’s going on in the rest of the world allows us to remain in a cloud of ignorant betch bliss. But that’s not to say we don’t appreciate world tragedies! When our dad or some loser tells us about a national fiasco or natural disaster, we listen sympathetically and contribute our own two cents, adding that Kendra is moving back to L.A. and The Biebs’ Never Say Never got rave reviews. We definitely take advantage of these situations to get ideas for creative Halloween costumes, or maybe drop into conversation at a job interview. Last year everyone thought it was hysterical when we dressed up as Chilean miners, and that was only like, 10 days after they got rescued!

This is who we keep up with. Sorry, not sorry.

It’s not that we don’t care about the world. It’s just that it’s so boring and who has time to worry about the situation in Egypt when Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds are getting a divorce!!!! Oh my gahhhh!!!

See, we do know what’s going on in the world. This is because we get almost all of our information from a few of our fave news sources: Perez Hilton, TMZ, People Magazine and USWeekly, and E! News. We may not be like, all over the Wall Street Diary, but we’re not toooootally oblivious. Like for example, we were perfectly aware when the volcanic eruption in Europe interfered with our trip to Paris while we were #3 abroad, and we knew exactly how to book our flights around that ash cloud. What was that volcano called again? Whatever, thanks weather.com!

Living in a world without news actually makes us way more tolerant and accepting than those who are so-called “well-read.” Some people have long and deep-seeded hatred for others based on centuries of political turmoil and cultural distrust, but when my brother asked me if my Israeli and Iranian besties ever quarrel about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, it was so great to tell him that the only thing they ever fight about was who got a better tan! See, it’s easy to coexist when you don’t know what the fuck is going on. And they say that the person who cares the least has the most power, right?

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