Tag Archives: #SPRING BREAK!!!

28. The Drunken Brawl

5 Apr

Although betches are usually pretty good about keeping their shit-talking and insults on the down low, it’s also widely known that the right amount of alcohol lubrication can get the word vomit flowing in the wrong place at the wrong time. Enter the Drunken Betch Brawl.

Okay, so you’ve been secretly #1 talking shit about Alyssa for like three weeks now. Ever since you saw her talking to this bro at the bars who you hooked up with six months ago for like, 50 whole seconds, this betch has been coming way too close to #25 WYDEL status. However, you’ve been good at containing your shit-talking to sneaky BBMs, so the stupid bitch still thinks you’re besties.

Welcome to Friday night at the bars. After six too many vodka shots at the #23 pregame you head to the bars and all of the sudden you notice your drink has been accidentally knocked over by none other than Alyssa, your irritation of the moment. Given this perfect opportunity for fake payback, you immediately start to ball this betch out.

They should make more than one bathroom at the Jersey Shore house.

You fucking whore do you know how much this shirt cost!? I’d make you pay for it immediately if your parents weren’t so fucking poor that paying me back would demand a second mortgage on your house.

The brawl ensues, sometimes even escalating to a physical level where the bouncer or one of your bro friends has to hold you both back while others look on in awe. Everyone knows you don’t fuck with a betch. Mess with us, expect tears to stream down your face faster and harder than Niagara Fucking Falls.

Mind you, you probably don’t want to find yourself in this kind of entanglement with a betch you know personally, so you can only imagine the possibilities when a betch is in a particularly aggressive mood and shit goes down with a complete stranger.

Cut to #26 Spring Break and some random community college retard is taking too long in the bathroom stall. You and your besties need to get in like, now, so that’s when you pull your first move: slamming on the bathroom door like you’re the fucking Gestapo. Stop giving yourself an abortion in there when other people have important drugs to do, you trashy whore!

This is usually followed by the opening of the door and the ultimate screaming match. A typical brawl might include:

“Oh wow, I can see why you haven’t been opening the door, you’re probably trying to hide your gross curly-ass hair!”

“My ugly ass hair? Look at yours! Looks like somebody’s been using Loreal highlights home kits!”

Remember girls, nice girls finish last, and wind up waiting 45 minutes in the bathroom line.

We agree that it’s not the classiest move in the world to get into drunken fights and casually ball girls out, but if it’s acceptable for bros to get into fist fights, we can certainly pull the equivalent female move to make some stupid bitch wish she never crossed our path: making bitches cry.

Once someone cries it’s proper etiquette to back down. You’ve won, no one needs to go to the hospital, and the winning betch gets yet another confirmation that she is more powerful and better in every way. Sticks and stones may break bones, but call a bitch a fatass and the pain of the eating disorder you just sparked will last much longer than the sting of your betch slap.

24. Insensitivity

15 Mar

“I don’t understand what I did wrong except live a life that everyone is jealous of.” – Charlie Sheen

Although betches don’t necessarily idolize Charlie Sheen, we’re extremely impressed by his ability to say whatever the fuck he wants and not care what anyone thinks. Just like Charlie, this would be our first instinct in response to someone complaining that we only care about ourselves and are insensitive to others’ issues. We really admire him for having the balls to not pretend like he gives a shit about anyone. He’s also our favorite member of the #17 Lucky Sperm Club.

Unfortunately, betches don’t get to share their insensitivity with the entire nation like Charlie does, although we would appreciate the ability to have the media hanging on our every word. We’re jealous betches.

It’s not that betches don’t care about the world, we just care about other shit first. We’re deeply sensitive about the earthquake in Japan, as long as we don’t have to discuss it until after the final rose is handed out on The Bachelor.

Our insensitivity is pretty much reserved for the annoying and insignificant complaints of fellow betches. There’s nothing worse than listening to other people’s issues, especially ones that are clearly not important to you, not in your control, and/or not worth your valuable time.

Aww, sorry you got a bad grade on your test! It’s not my fault you’re against taking Adderall, bitch.

I’m sorry your boyfriend broke up with you for the third time this week… do I look like your fucking therapist? I would love to help you figure out the exact moment when your relationship fell apart, but I’m too busy living my life.

You can’t find your passport and our plane’s leaving in an hour? Thank God! I was wondering how I was gonna get out of rooming with you on Spring Break!

This lack of sensitivity is actually empowering and allows us to be more powerful women in society. Who wants the CEO of their company crying over some measly lawsuit? We totally understand why people don’t want a woman president! No one wants to watch the State of the Union and see some dumb bitch crying over the deficit. Unfortunately we didn’t catch that this year, we had to hit up happy hour that day because it interfered with our usual primetime shows.

When a betch’s bitching is getting to you, just take a deep breath and recite the betch mantra: YOUR PROBLEM IS NOT MY PROBLEM. Next time you see the girl in your English class crying because she doesn’t like the other girls in your group project, your first instinct should be to giggle, rather than console.

The only time it’s considered acceptable for a betch to cry is when she’s wasted, and still, this is restricted to private spaces ONLY. So when you’re looking for a shoulder to cry on, the last one you should look for is that of a fellow betch. We’re pretty sure Stalin’s besties weren’t complaining to him about how their army uniform didn’t go with their purse gun satchel. Even back then they knew not to waste the precious time of people who matter.

If we wanted to give a shit about anyone besides ourselves, we’d get knocked up. At least that person would share our DNA.

The Bat Shit Crazy Spring Break Story Challenge

6 Mar

A betch loves anyone who loves her, so as the writers of this site, we’ve become kind of attached to our betchy fans, even if we don’t actually know who the fuck you are.

With Spring Break upon us, we know it’s going to be a ridiculous fucking time and we can’t wait to tell you all of the hazy and probably inaccurate details. Everyone loves a Spring Break rant from a Valium-addled mind, and we want to hear your stories.

We invite you to enter the Bat Shit Crazy Spring Break Story Challenge. We understand the drug wars in Mexico have been kind of a pain in the ass this year, but if Acapulco taught us anything, it’s that those drugs were worth dying for. Since Pulco’s unfortunately out this year, Puerto Vallarta betches, this is your chance to shit on Club Imagine.

No matter your destination, you’re on Spring Break, so get in touch with your inner #7 BSCB and send us a story of the betchiest thing that happened to you and your besties. The more crazy, funny, and NC-17-rated, the fucking BETTER. Embellish all you want, change names and details, we don’t care as long as your shit’s hysterical.

Email us at iloveme.confessions@gmail.com with Bat Shit Crazy Story in the Subject line. Submissions are due by March 28th and the winning story will be posted shortly after.

All submissions can remain anonymous and will be posted anonymously unless you specify that you’d like your name attached to it. But keep in mind that if you’re fine with having yourself publicly named the winner of the Bat Shit Crazy SB Story Challenge, your shit probably isn’t good enough to win.

Pressures on, betches.

RIP Pulco.

You can also submit your stories here…

%d bloggers like this: