Tag Archives: #tailgate

23. The Pregame

14 Mar

Since betches always have a lot of shit going on, we often have to pick and choose which activities we can squeeze into our busy schedules. However, there is one activity that is our absolute priority no matter what. Pregaming. Betches will find an excuse to pregame pretty much anything. Besides the obvious major events like #4 birthdays, #12 tailgates, #14 dates, and #20 clubbing, short of taking the LSATs and going to our first day of work, it’s basically mandatory that we get fucked up before any and all activities.

Sorority initiation starting in 20 minutes? NO CHANCE I’m walking into such an event without sparking a j first! We’d all take the $100 fine for being absent before even considering attending sober.

Pregame hard, avoid rufilin.

OMG my cousin’s boyfriend’s dad’s birthday is tonight! Let’s throw a PG to celebrate in his absence! Cheeeeeeers!

So why do betches love pregaming so much? Besides the fact that it’s an excuse to gather our besties to laugh, bond, and #1 talk shit (and a lot of it), pregames are essential in that they ensure that wherever we’re going after, we’re not bored. Not bored = fucked up. If the day after, you still have vivid memories of your time at the bars/clubs/graduation/your grandma’s 90th birthday party, you know you didn’t pregame hard enough. Wait, did I really ask my grandpa for a drag of his cig last night? That’s more like it.

Betches also enjoy the exclusivity of pregames. Who will we invite? Who will be snubbed? Facebook invite or word of mouth?

Should we invite Dani? She’s been so annoying lately, giving me a play by play every 5 minutes of what she’s “up to.” Did I fucking ask what you’re fucking up to?! Whatever, hopefully she’ll bring some drugs.

Julie wouldn’t give me her notes from last week when I was hungover and didn’t go to class? Selfish bitch. She can drink alone!

Obviously as a betch, in addition to hosting pregames, you will be bombarded with invitations to attend a multitude of pre-bar events. Deciding which PG to attend is often one of the toughest decisions of our night.

Ugh, do we want to go to Jamie’s apartment? She’s never good for anything but Georgi! Cheap bitch! And Megan’s loser friends from class will probably be there. Whatever, it’ll be fine, we’ll just sit in the corner and drink their alc, while BBMing each other about how Lauren’s “new boyfriend” is really just a guy she fucked in the bathroom at a bar …once.

One of the biggest impediments to a sick pregame is your lame friend who decides she needs to “be a real person tomorrow” so she “isn’t going to get that fucked up tonight.”‬‪ Usually, that betch is fucked. Everyone will talk shit about her as soon as they part ways at the bar‬‪ and call her out for pretending to be drunker than she is when we’re out‬. WE ALL KNOW you only took 3 shots!!!‬ Being the lone sober betch, or the LSB (not to be confused with #17 LSC), is zero fun, and this betch will usually sit in the corner BBMing her boyfriend and thinking about many how more times she can get away with the “I’m sick” excuse. Bitch you’ve been sick for three fucking weeks.

This betch is not good for anything besides recounting funny drunk stories about the hysterical things you and your besties did when you were blackout, since she will be the only one sober enough to remember. But she’s still fucked because she’ll follow that up with some story about how you made a complete fool of yourself. Uh, sorry you think it’s embarrassing that I fell off the table last night. I personally thought my dismount was flawless.

Everyone knows that the best bonding occurs not over baking cakes and cookies, but over the three too many mimosas consumed during the drunk brunch before Amanda’s birthday lunch. Can I please have a mimosa? Hold the orange juice.

Oh no! It's Earth Day and we haven't pregamed yet!

Betches love a great PG because it combines our favorite things to do and gives us the alcohol lubrication that we need to divulge our deepest secrets. You and a few betches are chillin’ around a bathroom sink during the PG while passing your mail key around… What a perfect opportunity to share the story of how you gave yourself an abortion on spring break! All it took was some ecstasy and cocaine!

So if you’re trying to decide where you’re going tonight, the betchiest pregame should be your first choice. Actually a bro’s PG would be just as good (boys and booze, duh). Expect a shit ton of vodka, an array of the latest techno mixes from djCOHEN (aka the guy that lives down the hall who happens to own big headphones), and the coolest people you know. Remember betches, always bring your A-game to the pregame. It is your responsibility to set an example for others, prove how hard you can rage, and fuck anyone up who tries to get in your way.

12. Tailgates

26 Feb

Out of respect for the fact that it’s Saturday, generally considered the best day of the week, we’d like to address one of the best ways to get blackout: TAILGATES!! Even though college football season is done, Saturdays in the fall are key to having a social life.

If you’re not willing to wake up at 7am to drink yourself stupid, you are committing social suicide. A true betch is ready to drink at any time of day, even if it means setting your Blackberry alarm for 7:05 after getting home at 5am.

Let’s go over how to properly tailgate while being the betch of the party:

Proper attire is essential. At big party schools in the north, predominately in the BIG 10, it’s all about rocking the school colors. A true betch will have a new shirt and accessories at every game, including necklaces, temporary tattoos, knee-high socks, sunglasses, and face paint. We mean EVERY Saturday, so arrange to bursar some shit at the school store and tell your parents you needed new textbooks.

For our big party schools in the south, tailgating is a little different. Here, it’s considered a serious offense to be caught not wearing your nicest frock. Southern kids look at these events as if they’re social galas straight out of the plantation era.

No matter where you’re tailgating, pre-tailgate rituals are basically universal. The bitch-betch must be the one to get the bagels and cream cheese, Starbucks, and chasers. I know what you’re thinking, betches don’t eat bagels! But eating a bagel, scooped out of course, is necessary or you will make a fool of yourself. Eat quickly, or share half your bagel with the garbage, and get to ripping shots as soon as possible. It’s considered poor form to show up sober at the actual pregame, so 5-7 shots at the PRE-pregame is customary. Oh, and be sure to bring the rest of the bottle with you to the real pregame. Betches are always prepared for emergencies.

Next you go meet up with the majority of your crew for the actual pregame at your bros’ house. At this point it’s around 9am. The game doesn’t start till 12. Yay, plenty of time to drink! Music is blasting, 85 kids are on the front lawn, the smell of marijuana and cigarettes fills the air, the funnel is getting passed around like that freshman who’s fucked all your guy friends, and everyone is getting absolutely belligerent. Soon you’re at the point of no return and you know it’s time to walk to the tailgating fields to start the real party.

The tailgate: Picture a scene with thousands of people and rows of cars that goes for miles. As you walk to where your bros have set up shop, a cop on his bike offers to open your beer for you. Your bros’ tailgate area consists of a tent with speakers and a grill, a keg, and the finest Karkov vodka for betches who won’t go near beer. It’s almost 10:30am at this point and you are really really really… I mean REALLY drunk. So you continue drinking. The grill is going, and this is when you shadily start your drunk munchies.

At 11:45 the tailgating fields start to empty out and it’s time to go to the game. But here’s the thing, when you go to a giant party school with a shitty football team, you’re not actually going. Besides, you can barely walk. This is when a true betch shines. You spot a Jimmy John’s delivery guy. A ride AND a sandwich? This is my golden fucking ticket. You walk up to him and shake your shit a little, and soon he offers to drive you home. Mmmm… I loveee the Beach Club.

Oh no, maybe they won't be delivering!

You get home but you’re stopped by that delicious smell coming from the pizza place next door (if you’re lucky and from Wisco, it’ll be covered in mac and cheese. YESSSSS). Okay betches. I know that we all want to be #5 skinny, but that is for during the week. You need to soak up that alcohol somehow. You get to your apartment and turn the game on. This is sooooo much better in HD!! You sit on your coach, roll your best betch blunt, and spark that shit up. Great fucking day.

Before you know it, you open your eyes and realize it’s 8:30pm and you’re still on that couch. You have 8 missed calls and 7 BBMs. You feel really shitty but it doesn’t fucking matter because you’re going out anyway.

A true betch will make it out for Saturday night and will black out harder then she did that day. This is what college is all about. If you cant handle it, transfer. I recommend for you Betches-in-Training, pick a big party school that tailgates on Saturdays. If you’re lucky, your high school betches that go to rival schools will come tailgate when you play each other, and if it’s a big enough game (or tailgate), your Ivy League betches will come and help with calculating your BAC. You get to spend the weekend with your best home, abroad, camp, teen tour, summer program betches, forcing vodka and beer down each others’ throats.

Listen, tailgates are the only exception for drinking beer. Choose your calories wisely during the week because when it’s tailgating time…anything goes, along with your dignity.

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