Tag Archives: #talkshit

35. Sorority Rush

27 Apr

Tons of betches love the Greek system, but there is no part of being in a sorority that betches love more than sorority rush.

Why? It’s an institutionalized opportunity to do our favorite betchy activities! Namely, endless amounts of #1 shit talking, organized judging of people we don’t know, getting dressed up, and pretending to be nice to people for our own social advancement. While in high school it was considered lame to label your group of friends with a #9 nickname (the salacious seven, the hawt hoes, foxy five, etc.), in college you throw a couple of Greek letters into the mix and voila! You’ve social climbed yourself at least another rank on the ladder! Having trouble meeting friends? Just give this national and college-sponsored organization upwards of $1000 a semester and you’ve got “sisters” for life! Not only are you given about a hundred automatic besties but there’s now a whole new slew of people to #1 talk shit about all day long.

But how do we select these lovely ladies who, by contract, are obligated to be our sisters? That’s right. Sorority rush. The role of every betch during rush is to look the hottest she can while still pretending to be classy. The only issue is that you’re not allowed to talk about boys or alcohol, so you might as well tell girls that they have to pee standing up, because there’s really nothing else in their conversation repertoire. The only thing I care about less than the #2 news is your fucking major and the fact that you skiied in Aspen over winter break.

Does blowing my "sister's" boyfriend count as service?

So maybe you and your soroslut sister haven’t been speaking for months because you both hooked up with each other’s boyfriends. Come sorority rush this is as evident to the incoming freshmen as the fact that we’re rating them on a scale of 1-5 as soon as they leave.

Betches, remember, sorority rush is crunch time. So put your ugly sisters in the kitchen, put aside the fact that you hate 80% of the girls around you with a fiery passion, and any sense of morality about deceiving others (Hello Hitler Youth!). This is no time for truth, honesty and virtue, this is sorority fucking rush.

The following is an actual rush dress code from an actual sorority, in case you thought we woke up looking like that.

RUSH DRESS CODE 2011

Below is the dress code for each day. Please make sure to look very nice, put together, clean and professional everyday. Please be prepared to show us your outfits at the beginning of the week so we may approve them. As much as we don’t like to admit it, rush is a very superficial process, and looking good is as important as what we say. The Potential New Members (PNMs) spend a tremendous amount of time picking out their outfits trying to impress us, so it’s only fair that we show the same respect to them.

Not allowed at any time during rush: sneakers, Uggs, watches, sweatshirts/zip-ups, t-shirts, torn jeans, cheap looking patterns (in fact, try to steer clear from patterns in general), no more than three earrings per ear, tight American Apparel dresses, plastic jewelry (i.e., anything purchased at Claire’s or The Icing), religious jewelry (we understand some people wear crosses or Star of David regularly, however religion makes some uncomfortable and we want the PNMs to feel as welcome as possible), obviously fake looking designer clothes/jewelry

Leggings: Leggings are only permitted during Round 1 and ONLY ROUND 1. They must be nice, not your shitty, tattered American Apparel leggings that you’ve had for years. Leggings as pants are NOT okay, so make sure if you do decide to wear leggings, your shirt/sweater is long enough to cover your butt.

I hate you.

Hair/Makeup: We will email you if you can keep your hair curly, otherwise your hair must be straight, and it must be worn down at all times (no ponytails). The reason for this is we want everyone to look put together as one cohesive unit. Also, at no time is colored makeup acceptable; no blue eye shadow and NO red lipstick. Make sure your makeup is pretty, daytime and neutral. We want everyone to accentuate their natural beauty (mascara, eyeliner, bronzer, a pale gloss), and you should look fresh-faced and natural, like a Clinique model.

If you have any type of facial piercing (nose, eyebrow, tongue, etc.) please email us to see if it will be accepted during rush. For the most part, we’d like to steer clear of these.

Preparation: You have roughly 4 weeks at home before rush week. Use this time to prepare physically and mentally for the week. As hard as it is on you, it’s harder on us, and it determines the future fate of the house. Make sure while you’re home you go shopping, get your roots done, hair highlighted, go tanning, get a mani/pedi, get your brows waxed, and work out so we don’t all gain the holiday 15. We highly recommend crest whitening strips so that your smiles are extra bright to welcome the PNMs.

Please carefully read the following pages containing information on what to wear during each day of rush. Please avoid outfits that show too much cleavage or short skirts/ dresses – we want to look classy. It is important to wear outfits that compliment your body type and make you feel comfortable. (you’re going to be wearing it all day!!!)

Round 1: Dress for a “nice birthday dinner out with friends.”

Examples: Leggings or jeans with a blazer and nice leather boots; Jeans with a classy satin top and flats; a skirt (NOT MINI) with a classic cardigan and riding boots; a casual cotton dress with flats. Cute scarf. Simple, classy jewelry, such as a pair of pearl earrings or casual necklace. If you look around and everyone is wearing the same outfit as you, please change. This means that everyone should not be wearing leggings, tory burch flats, blazers, etc.

Round 2: “Meeting the boyfriend’s parents at dinner or a family holiday gathering”

Examples: Dark skinny jeans with a ruffled tank top and heels; a tweed skirt with a blouse and flats; a knee length dress with heels. During this round, no leggings are allowed. Footwear must be heels or nice flats, no riding boots (but heeled boots are ok). Also, if you don’t have nice tan legs, you must wear stockings under your skirt or dress. A nice necklace or pair of earrings.

Round 3: “Drinks at Hudson Terrace in NYC on a Friday Night with your co-workers”

Examples: a dressy skirt with a blouse or lace top (not a plain cardigan); a nice dress you would wear to a date night (NOT SLUTTY WE WILL MAKE YOU CHANGE); black pants with a trendy tank top and great heels. The only pants that are acceptable this round are classic black pants but try to avoid it if you can because we’re limiting the numbers of pants. Footwear MUST be heels this round. Wear a little bit nicer jewelry and accessories to dress up your outfit (scarves around the neck, a string of pearls, etc.). Black tights can help dress up a cotton dress and also make it more winter appropriate.

Round 4: “A wedding rehearsal dinner”

Preference Round: This day is serious and what you wear and say can influence who decides to become a member of our house. Everyone must wear a nice black dress with black heels, there will absolutely be no exceptions. Look as nice as possible; you will not be over dressed! Cool neutral colored jewelry is encouraged (a simple gold necklace, a string of pearls, diamond earrings, a long silver chain). A dress that you would wear to formal is perfect, as long as it’s not slutty; you’re not trying to get laid, you’re girl flirting. Make sure your boobs aren’t out and about.

34. BBM

26 Apr

As a betch, it goes without saying that you are, as a person, in extremely high demand at all times. We lead very busy lives, and it’s often hard to divide our time between all our besties and bros who constantly want to hang out with us. We don’t blame them, if we weren’t us, hanging out with us would be our top priority too.

Fortunately, somewhere around the turn of the century, some nerd scientist invented the ultimate betch accessory that helps keep us in constant contact with anyone we could ever want to talk to. Yes, we’re talking about the Blackberry. The Blackberry is like a betch’s third fucking arm, and every betch has probably gone through at least twelve of these malfunctioning pieces of shit in her lifetime. (New pin:c83ad4g. Add me!)

Some people might wonder why we keep getting new Blackberries when they clearly suck so much. Obvious answer. BBM. If you have an iPhone or an Android, get the fuck off this website and go back to checking stock quotes on your geek machine, loser.

Same goes if you have fewer than 50 contacts… awkward.

BBM is basically the only reason why betches have Blackberries, and it’s probably one of the most addictive and psychologically manipulative tools in modern society. Honestly, the culture of BBM lends itself to idiocy. For a betch, BBM provides us with an inhibition-free zone and an incessant #1 shit-talking machine. You don’t even realize half the shit you’re sending is complete garbage until it’s too late. You know you can’t harass someone over text because it’s too slow and annoying, but you bet you can stalk the shit out of your lover boy on BBM! (PING!!! Answer me now!!! Fuck me till I can’t walk!!!)

Granted, sometimes we use BBM for important communication, but that’s usually only when you’re trying to text your Asian friend from Econ to tell her your computer suddenly crashed and you desperately need her study guide for the midterm tomorrow.

In reality, BBM is the ultimate playing field for the many games we play with bros. What kind of points can you score in the BBM game? It’s all about the Read and Delivered.

It’s one thing if you’re texting with a bro and he doesn’t respond, but it’s a whole new ball game when you’re BBM friends and he reads it and doesn’t respond. He knows that I know that he knows that I know that he read it!!! He’s fucking done.

This means he’s #32 winning right now, so now you have no choice but to screen him for at least three hours the next four times he BBMs you.

But BBM games aren’t just limited to bros, betches love to play BBM games with other betches too. Who hasn’t been in four simultaneous shady conversations, all with people sitting in the same room as you? The best part about it is that no one ever fucking notices because everyone is on their fucking phones!!!

One of the most epic innovations in the BBM game is the group BBM chat. What better way to keep a select group of betches unified and up-to-date on one another’s very important decisions, such as, should I wear heels or flats tonight? It’s also a great organizational tool, since it helps us arrange exclusive #23 pregames. And since betches thrive on exclusivity, who isn’t included in the BBM group is wayyyyy more important than who is because it determines who we can openly #1 talk shit about.

So betches, always remember that the BBM game is just as important as real life, and one BBM can fuck you over forever. When you’re trying to shadily message Lindsay across the room that Jenny’s shirt makes her look like a whale, make sure you’re not accidentally typing to Jenny. After all, she’s the BBM group admin, and the fact that she looks like an oversized mammal who never gets ass doesn’t mean she won’t delete you faster than you can say “Sry wrong BBM.”

33. Hating Nice Guys

25 Apr

So we realize we’ve been #1 talking a lot of shit about those whom we’d label “nice girls.” While these people obviously suck, we feel it’s a little unfair to limit our negative feelings to only this one group. Betches are all for equality, so we know that all nice people deserve the same amount of disdain. Namely, nice guys.

Betches don’t love bros so much because of their amazing looks and generous, caring ways. We love bros because they don’t automatically take all of our shit and don’t always respond to our clever #32 winning tactics. Offer me a ride home after I stay the night at your place? You’re done. Fucking desperate loser. Forget to wish me a happy birthday via both BBM and Facebook? +5 right there.

There’s a certain confidence that the nice guy lacks that makes us wanna vomit. (I guess they’re good for something!) Don’t be flattered if a nice guy asks you out, he’s the kind of tool who’s been on the prowl since he broke up with his latest lame girlfriend less than a month ago. If you’re a nice guy, it is virtually impossible to even attain #19 ugly hot status. And sometimes, even if you are hot, being a kind and overly affectionate person will end with you getting fucked over… and we don’t mean the kitchen table.

Granted, guys don’t have to be sadistic or mean for betches to like them, although it does help. But there’s a very thin line between being a moderate challenge and someone’s bitch. Sometimes nice guys are hard to spot, and we don’t realize it until we’ve already hooked up with them.

A cheek kiss will not get you laid.

Here are some signs you’ve encountered a nice guy:

1. He refuses to play mind games
2. He tells you how he feels far too soon
3. He talks to his mom several times a day
4. He’s president of the Academic Integrity Hearing Board at your university
5. He’s the friend who constantly goes on beer runs
6. He continues to contact you after you stood him up four times
7. He says you should take things slow… sexually
8. He listens to what you have to say and actually references it in later conversations. Ew.

So betches, if you find yourself entangled with a nice guy, don’t panic. Depending on how betchy you are, you can either ride this one out for fun to see how long he’ll keep coming back, no matter how many times you tell him his wardrobe is repulsive and that you hate kids and small animals. If you’re a nicer betch, you might tell him you’re just not that into him. Or, you could “wrong BBM” him something explicitly sexual with another bro’s name. Either way, you should wait until after your birthday to end shit just in case he has a cool gift lined up. We wouldn’t want anyone to waste their money, especially not on us.

You might also decide to keep him around on the off chance that he suddenly decides to become an asshole (yay!) and starts to ignore you. Then it’s only a matter of days before you’re in love with him and you can’t figure out why that is. Seeing him hook up with someone else usually does the trick. I don’t want you, but you’re certainly not allowed to fucking want anyone else!

Not to sound like total haters, it’s just that betches are very intriguing and complicated, and nice guys don’t fuck with our heads enough to keep us interested. A true betch won’t be won over with flowers and candy, instead the key to our hearts is to strategically ignore the fact that we’re hot shit and subtly insult us. Every betch knows the only thing hotter than a good actual fuck is a quality mind fuck.

28. The Drunken Brawl

5 Apr

Although betches are usually pretty good about keeping their shit-talking and insults on the down low, it’s also widely known that the right amount of alcohol lubrication can get the word vomit flowing in the wrong place at the wrong time. Enter the Drunken Betch Brawl.

Okay, so you’ve been secretly #1 talking shit about Alyssa for like three weeks now. Ever since you saw her talking to this bro at the bars who you hooked up with six months ago for like, 50 whole seconds, this betch has been coming way too close to #25 WYDEL status. However, you’ve been good at containing your shit-talking to sneaky BBMs, so the stupid bitch still thinks you’re besties.

Welcome to Friday night at the bars. After six too many vodka shots at the #23 pregame you head to the bars and all of the sudden you notice your drink has been accidentally knocked over by none other than Alyssa, your irritation of the moment. Given this perfect opportunity for fake payback, you immediately start to ball this betch out.

They should make more than one bathroom at the Jersey Shore house.

You fucking whore do you know how much this shirt cost!? I’d make you pay for it immediately if your parents weren’t so fucking poor that paying me back would demand a second mortgage on your house.

The brawl ensues, sometimes even escalating to a physical level where the bouncer or one of your bro friends has to hold you both back while others look on in awe. Everyone knows you don’t fuck with a betch. Mess with us, expect tears to stream down your face faster and harder than Niagara Fucking Falls.

Mind you, you probably don’t want to find yourself in this kind of entanglement with a betch you know personally, so you can only imagine the possibilities when a betch is in a particularly aggressive mood and shit goes down with a complete stranger.

Cut to #26 Spring Break and some random community college retard is taking too long in the bathroom stall. You and your besties need to get in like, now, so that’s when you pull your first move: slamming on the bathroom door like you’re the fucking Gestapo. Stop giving yourself an abortion in there when other people have important drugs to do, you trashy whore!

This is usually followed by the opening of the door and the ultimate screaming match. A typical brawl might include:

“Oh wow, I can see why you haven’t been opening the door, you’re probably trying to hide your gross curly-ass hair!”

“My ugly ass hair? Look at yours! Looks like somebody’s been using Loreal highlights home kits!”

Remember girls, nice girls finish last, and wind up waiting 45 minutes in the bathroom line.

We agree that it’s not the classiest move in the world to get into drunken fights and casually ball girls out, but if it’s acceptable for bros to get into fist fights, we can certainly pull the equivalent female move to make some stupid bitch wish she never crossed our path: making bitches cry.

Once someone cries it’s proper etiquette to back down. You’ve won, no one needs to go to the hospital, and the winning betch gets yet another confirmation that she is more powerful and better in every way. Sticks and stones may break bones, but call a bitch a fatass and the pain of the eating disorder you just sparked will last much longer than the sting of your betch slap.

25. The Betch Arch Nemesis

16 Mar

Although betches usually have lots of besties around, we don’t always feel the most positive vibe toward betches we don’t know that well, or those outside of our circle. It’s not that we necessarily dislike them or have anything bad to say about them, it’s just that it’s rare that we would have anything particularly nice to say about them. It’s kind of an ambiguous disinterest, trending toward the negative. It’s an unspoken truth that girls don’t really like other girls.

However, there are certain instances or actions when a betch crosses you in the wrong way and winds up on your Wish You Didn’t Exist List (WYDEL). This is the one kind of exclusive list that no betch is trying to get on.

What are some of the membership benefits of WYDEL?

You always have a #9 nickname for an arch nemesis, and it’s always something really negative, either relating to your personal beef with her or her appearance. Like maybe she looks like a blowfish and conveniently blew your ex-boyfriend, so you affectionately call her Hootie.

Any mention of a girl on your WYDEL triggers an immediate “ugh, I hate that bitch, I wish she didn’t fucking exist,” usually followed by exaggerated stories of your encounters with her, all of which make her look like a complete psycho. Next you move onto the classic face and body criticisms and an array of highly unrealistic secrets you claim to have heard about her. If you’re a less vocal betch, you’ll probably go with the simple, “bitch is fug.” Either way, the automatic response from the bestie group will be, “yeah, she sucks.”

The besties are sooo bored of hearing this. They’ve already heard it five or six times… today.

But there are some betches who get sooo proficient at hating their arch nemesis that any time her name is mentioned in passing, they immediately turn into a hilaaaaarious one-woman show, complete with a list of reasons why this person sucks, plus imitations, role-playing and a monologue. Betches have turned hating into an art form. No bestie can resist the “I Hate Nikki” Variety Hour.

So how does someone go from being your run-of-the-mill ambiguously disliked fellow betch, to the girl you daydream about gaining 80 pounds and working at Dairy Queen? Ah, let me count the ways.

The Ex-BFF: The Ex-BFF is the Paris and Nicole, Jill Zarin and Bethenny, the Heidi and LC. Potential reasons for the falling out: the arch nemesis became extremely lame and obsessed with her boyfriend, got wayyy prettier than you, #1 talked shit about you behind your back, didn’t defend you when her boyfriend called you fat, blah blah blah.

This is often awkward if it’s someone who’s still in your inner circle, so she better hope she doesn’t do something to piss off the rest of the group. Note to Ex-BFF: One arch nemesis in the group, you can maybe survive. Two, you’re dunzo. Say hello to Saturday nights reading your Kindle with Ben and Jerry. Let’s hope the tide doesn’t turn that way.

The Girl Who’s Fucking The Guy You Used To Fuck/The Girl Who Used To Fuck The Guy You’re Currently Fucking: This one is kind of self-explanatory. These girls are Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie.

Anyone can be this girl, so here’s our advice to you: don’t underestimate the power of a betch who doesn’t need to pretend to be nice to you in any sort of social setting. As soon as she finds out your name and stalks you on Facebook, you’re on the WYDEL.

Once a betch has made you her arch nemesis, she’ll be the one you encounter at the bar who’s shooting you death stares while pointing and laughing at you with her friends. Consider yourself lucky. That’s only because she can’t get close enough to spill her drink on you. If you’re dealing with a serious betch, you might even get yourself punched in the face. While some may say this is unladylike, whoever said betches were fucking ladies?

The Roomie Fallout: This situation is Sammi Sweetheart and every other girl on Jersey Shore. You never know how much you hate a betch until you fucking live with her. You may think you’re BFF, but cut to six months later, you’re seriously considering burning all her shoes while she’s at the gym.

Why would you have a falling out with a roommate? Either she’s really disgusting, a secret sociopathic #7 BSCB, she has an annoying boyfriend, or she won’t stop complaining to you about all her fucking problems. Helloooo, read the last post!

You find yourself strategizing when she’ll be in the apartment so you can do things to annoy her, or completely avoid her. When you find yourself wishing you were roommates with the uni-bomber instead of this girl, just start so much shit with her that she moves out, or you have grounds to evict her. You’re a true betch (and bitch!) if you succeed in having this roomie move out. Now the fun part is deciding what to turn her room into. I would turn it into my closet if it wasn’t still infected with your former presence. Drug den anyone? Peace, loser.

If found on a betch’s WYDEL, you should make serious moves to get yourself off that shit. Wanna know what happens when you think you can pull one over on a betch? Just ask Nancy Kerrigan.

23. The Pregame

14 Mar

Since betches always have a lot of shit going on, we often have to pick and choose which activities we can squeeze into our busy schedules. However, there is one activity that is our absolute priority no matter what. Pregaming. Betches will find an excuse to pregame pretty much anything. Besides the obvious major events like #4 birthdays, #12 tailgates, #14 dates, and #20 clubbing, short of taking the LSATs and going to our first day of work, it’s basically mandatory that we get fucked up before any and all activities.

Sorority initiation starting in 20 minutes? NO CHANCE I’m walking into such an event without sparking a j first! We’d all take the $100 fine for being absent before even considering attending sober.

Pregame hard, avoid rufilin.

OMG my cousin’s boyfriend’s dad’s birthday is tonight! Let’s throw a PG to celebrate in his absence! Cheeeeeeers!

So why do betches love pregaming so much? Besides the fact that it’s an excuse to gather our besties to laugh, bond, and #1 talk shit (and a lot of it), pregames are essential in that they ensure that wherever we’re going after, we’re not bored. Not bored = fucked up. If the day after, you still have vivid memories of your time at the bars/clubs/graduation/your grandma’s 90th birthday party, you know you didn’t pregame hard enough. Wait, did I really ask my grandpa for a drag of his cig last night? That’s more like it.

Betches also enjoy the exclusivity of pregames. Who will we invite? Who will be snubbed? Facebook invite or word of mouth?

Should we invite Dani? She’s been so annoying lately, giving me a play by play every 5 minutes of what she’s “up to.” Did I fucking ask what you’re fucking up to?! Whatever, hopefully she’ll bring some drugs.

Julie wouldn’t give me her notes from last week when I was hungover and didn’t go to class? Selfish bitch. She can drink alone!

Obviously as a betch, in addition to hosting pregames, you will be bombarded with invitations to attend a multitude of pre-bar events. Deciding which PG to attend is often one of the toughest decisions of our night.

Ugh, do we want to go to Jamie’s apartment? She’s never good for anything but Georgi! Cheap bitch! And Megan’s loser friends from class will probably be there. Whatever, it’ll be fine, we’ll just sit in the corner and drink their alc, while BBMing each other about how Lauren’s “new boyfriend” is really just a guy she fucked in the bathroom at a bar …once.

One of the biggest impediments to a sick pregame is your lame friend who decides she needs to “be a real person tomorrow” so she “isn’t going to get that fucked up tonight.”‬‪ Usually, that betch is fucked. Everyone will talk shit about her as soon as they part ways at the bar‬‪ and call her out for pretending to be drunker than she is when we’re out‬. WE ALL KNOW you only took 3 shots!!!‬ Being the lone sober betch, or the LSB (not to be confused with #17 LSC), is zero fun, and this betch will usually sit in the corner BBMing her boyfriend and thinking about many how more times she can get away with the “I’m sick” excuse. Bitch you’ve been sick for three fucking weeks.

This betch is not good for anything besides recounting funny drunk stories about the hysterical things you and your besties did when you were blackout, since she will be the only one sober enough to remember. But she’s still fucked because she’ll follow that up with some story about how you made a complete fool of yourself. Uh, sorry you think it’s embarrassing that I fell off the table last night. I personally thought my dismount was flawless.

Everyone knows that the best bonding occurs not over baking cakes and cookies, but over the three too many mimosas consumed during the drunk brunch before Amanda’s birthday lunch. Can I please have a mimosa? Hold the orange juice.

Oh no! It's Earth Day and we haven't pregamed yet!

Betches love a great PG because it combines our favorite things to do and gives us the alcohol lubrication that we need to divulge our deepest secrets. You and a few betches are chillin’ around a bathroom sink during the PG while passing your mail key around… What a perfect opportunity to share the story of how you gave yourself an abortion on spring break! All it took was some ecstasy and cocaine!

So if you’re trying to decide where you’re going tonight, the betchiest pregame should be your first choice. Actually a bro’s PG would be just as good (boys and booze, duh). Expect a shit ton of vodka, an array of the latest techno mixes from djCOHEN (aka the guy that lives down the hall who happens to own big headphones), and the coolest people you know. Remember betches, always bring your A-game to the pregame. It is your responsibility to set an example for others, prove how hard you can rage, and fuck anyone up who tries to get in your way.

Betch of the Week: Perez Hilton

11 Mar

While betches don’t actually #2 follow the news, there are certain things we must keep up with if we want to have anything to talk about with our betch acquaintances. I mean, what would we have to chat about if we couldn’t contribute our two cents on the breaking news that “Scarlett Johansson snuck away with Sean Penn for a seksi 24-hour getaway to Cabo San Lucas.” (Side note: we’re still trying to make sense of how we feel about this. Sean Penn is so old-man #19 ugly hot.) When we do want to be informed on what’s going on in the world Hollywood there’s really only one place we go.

www.perezhilton.com

Many betches might not even know who the president is if not for Perez’s coverage. He manages to make all that dull shit coming out of CNN interesting with his ridiculous doodles and betchy commentary. He’s living proof that if you #1 talk enough shit, it can make you extremely successful. He’s built an entire empire on the basis of shit talking.

You're telling me he isn't a betch?

He’s also hilarious. Remember that time he was accused of child pornography for putting up a picture of Miley Cyrus without panties? Good, we have shit with Miley too. He has shit with TONS of celebrities! Fergie is a great example. We agree with him on that one also. She looks like a constipated transvestite when she performs. Super Bowl halftime show?

Some of you might wonder how he can be a betch, he’s a man! His real name is Mario Armando Lavandeira Jr! Just so you know, a requirement for being a betch is not having a vagina. Betch is a state of mind.

We especially find Perez’s reputation for outing people to be soooo betchy and we wish we could make a living out of gossiping just like he does. Being partially responsible for outing Lance Bass? We already think that’s badass, and even more badass was his response to criticism for doing so. “If you know something to be a fact, why not report it?” That’s how we feel about things. If we know something’s betchy, we report it.

If we could have any gay bestie in the world, he would be it. We even have a similar interest in hot guys! But it’s mostly because he’s all about owning who you are, calling shit like it is, and keeping it real.

“Whether you like me or not, I’m not going away anytime soon. I don’t care if you like me, I just care if you read my website.”

It’s like he’s reading our minds.

Betch of the Week: Bethenny Frankel

4 Mar

Every betch’s favorite housewife is Bethenny Frankel. Not only was she on the classiest Housewives installment (besides Beverly Hills of course), but since she’s the ultimate betch, some brilliant producers decided to give her a reality spinoff. Betches love Bethenny because she says and does whatever the fuck she wants. It’s not called #1 talking shit when you say it to someone’s face…

Besides her involvement in the Housewives of New York City her claim to fame is as a “natural food chef.” What the hell does that mean? It means she’s in great demand to cook for ano betches! But what do ano betches eat? That’s right, nothing! Her entire empire is built on a betch’s favorite pastime, #5 dieting. Hence the reason why she also sells diet alcohol and makes serious bills doing it. I mean, selling your Skinny Girl Margs while SEVEN months pregnant!? That’s a true business betch. Although working hard is not something a betch is accustomed to, if your job is pimping out margaritas to women under 100 pounds, I’m pretty sure you’re not really working.

Betch looks hot.

Three weeks after giving birth to baby Bryn she posed in a size 4 bikini for US Weekly. She clearly knows it’s never okay to look fat, just when you thought pregnancy was the last legitimate excuse. Really. Tell us your secret… Oh wait you wrote three books about that… Perfect.

Now onto that husband of hers. JASON. Wow, he knows how to tame a betch. After three failed engagements, J managed to get a very knocked up B down the aisle. He has a betch’s favorite qualities like money and a huge penis, and he must be living off Xanax because he happily manages to put up with Bethenny’s 24/7 nonstop shit storm of bitching. Also, Jason is a total rando. Leave it to Bethenny to find NYC’s last hot single un-bro-y bro.

He even puts up with it when she bitches out her in-laws! A betch’s ultimate worst enemies are clearly her in-laws, especially the mother. Jason’s overbearing, Pennsylvania hick town parents do NOT do it for Bethenny and she is not afraid to let the world know. For those betches out there who are concerned that they’re TOO betchy to ever catch a husband, don’t worry, just follow Bethenny’s lead.

Bethenny’s outspoken personality and total betch attitude make her our favorite housewife and our Betch of the Week. We envy her amazing body and overall lifestyle. Who wouldn’t want to spend summers in the Hamptons Montauk (yeah… less of a scene, we know), be featured in magazines, and attend amazing events? She’s just the shit, and we can’t wait to see what’s next for our Betch of the Week Bethenny Frankel.

14. Going on Dates

28 Feb

A lot of scary things happen when a betch goes out and isn’t drunk enough. Usually she’ll be like, really bored and chilling with her best friend, her Blackberry, which is okay because she’s sober enough to avoid sending embarrassing BBMs. But on some rare occasions, she’s actually socializing with people she may not know in a somewhat coherent way. There’s a first time for everything…

As is typical when a betch goes out, some guy will ask for her number. Surprisingly, you receive a text the next day at 2pm rather than 2am so you know something is up. He wants to take you on a date or “go for drinks.” Naturally, he texts you rather than calls to avoid the possibility that you and your besties have already nicknamed him “lanky button down man,” and that he will be laughed right off the phone. Also, he’s naturally intimidated by your blatantly oozing vibe that you are better than him.

Betches love dates because it gives them a chance to get dressed up and provides hours of opportunities just to talk about themselves. Also, free dinner! While a nice girl would be anxious about a first date, you’re not because you’re a betch and you don’t give a shit.

Many times, these dates occur over winter break or during the summer since everyone at college knows your entire sexual history and thus is unlikely to want to discuss it over dinner with you. This is great if you’ve been bad about #8 not fucking bros lately. But every betch knows the cardinal rule: never put out on a first date.

A first date usually winds up like this. You get there first. This is essential because it means you can sit at the bar and flirt with some other guy, knowing your date will see this when he arrives. All betches know that jealousy is a powerful emotion. He gets there, and things are rather awkward at first. You order a salad and a vodka soda. Forty-five minutes and four vodka sodas later things are looking up. This guy has gotten a lot hotter and you’re impressed by his hysterical stories from when he was #3 abroad in Rome. You bond over how overrated the Sistine Chapel was. After this he picks up the check (Side note: if he fucking doesn’t, you immediately #9 nickname him “Po’ Boy” and delete him from your phone), and he tells you he’d love to see you next weekend. Why wouldn’t he? You’d date yourself if you could!

Scenario C: The guy is so boring that you pass the fuck out.

Alternate endings:

Scenario A: If after five drinks you realize he’s not that attractive, and you can’t stop focusing on the disproportionate size of his ears, or if he uses nauseating terms of endearment like “beautiful” (a betch knows how hot she is, you don’t need to keep telling her), you tell him it was really nice to meet him and give him a kiss on the cheek, and head out to meet your betches at a club. It’s always best to accept a date with a backup plan for later.

Scenario B: If however, he’s kind of an asshole (read: Bro) and gives off the vibe that he might not call you back, you immediately make moves to prolong the date. As he walks you to a cab, you play coy but accept his invitation to go to another bar or chill at his apartment. This is usually followed by a lengthy makeout sesh, after which you get home and await his call 1-3 days later. The more unsure you are of his impending call, the hotter he gets and the more you build up a relationship in your head, envisioning drama and hot makeup sex.

All in all, when you get asked out on a date, it’s poor etiquette to say no. Assuming the guy isn’t heinous, you should say yes because betches are really good people at heart, and we wouldn’t want to deprive someone else of getting acquainted with the best person we know.

7. Token Crazy Friend

22 Feb

Although betches all have certain things in common, there are some betches that stand out and are different than the others. Every friend group can and should have one of these people. She is the token Bat Shit Crazy Betch. In addition to providing entertainment, the BSCB serves to make the rest of us feel like we are normal. She is defined by her superior abilities to #1 talk shit, she has really funny stories, and make us seem nice to guys, at least in comparison to the BSCB. The BSCB persona can take many forms, but typically possesses the following qualities:

BSCB will never go to rehab, no no no

Compulsive Need to Rage: While all betches are almost always down to rage, the BSCB gives this an entire new meaning. She’s usually the betch that lost her virginity in 7th grade, regularly pounds shots at 10am while everyone else is taking turns vomming from their hangovers (or breakfast, whatever), and did lines behind her laptop in freshman year econ. This betch is your favorite betch to party with, has fucked upwards of 40 bros, and generally serves to make other betches feel like their insane habits are normal.

Psycho Breakdowns/Tantrums: Another type of BSCB most likely has some sort of real and diagnosable but untreated psychiatric disorder, be this OCD/ADD/manic depression/anxiety/ is generally fucking nuts. She may appear normal most of the time… until she starts sporadically crying in the midst of studying at the library, or when Bachelor Brad eliminates the wrong girl.

Sociopathic Tendencies: One of the most dangerous betches is a sociopath/borderline/pure evil. This betch is stealthy and comes off as completely normal, but she has some seriously evil plans for destruction. While most betches are harmless and just generally awesome, the sociopath BSCB allows her boredom and/or insane ambitions to get in the way of living life like the rest of us. Think Regina George or Tracy Flick. Watch out for this betch or she’ll steal your boyfriend, your dignity, and your self-esteem. Make sure you’re either cool enough to ball this betch out, or you better be on her fucking good side.

While the BSCBs all have their flaws, they also serve their purpose. Besides being extremely entertaining, these betches make us feel better about ourselves and are wayyyyy more fun to hang out with than those boring nice girls betch-haters. WE LOVE YOU BSCBs!!!!

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