Tag Archives: #Ugly Hot

33. Hating Nice Guys

25 Apr

So we realize we’ve been #1 talking a lot of shit about those whom we’d label “nice girls.” While these people obviously suck, we feel it’s a little unfair to limit our negative feelings to only this one group. Betches are all for equality, so we know that all nice people deserve the same amount of disdain. Namely, nice guys.

Betches don’t love bros so much because of their amazing looks and generous, caring ways. We love bros because they don’t automatically take all of our shit and don’t always respond to our clever #32 winning tactics. Offer me a ride home after I stay the night at your place? You’re done. Fucking desperate loser. Forget to wish me a happy birthday via both BBM and Facebook? +5 right there.

There’s a certain confidence that the nice guy lacks that makes us wanna vomit. (I guess they’re good for something!) Don’t be flattered if a nice guy asks you out, he’s the kind of tool who’s been on the prowl since he broke up with his latest lame girlfriend less than a month ago. If you’re a nice guy, it is virtually impossible to even attain #19 ugly hot status. And sometimes, even if you are hot, being a kind and overly affectionate person will end with you getting fucked over… and we don’t mean the kitchen table.

Granted, guys don’t have to be sadistic or mean for betches to like them, although it does help. But there’s a very thin line between being a moderate challenge and someone’s bitch. Sometimes nice guys are hard to spot, and we don’t realize it until we’ve already hooked up with them.

A cheek kiss will not get you laid.

Here are some signs you’ve encountered a nice guy:

1. He refuses to play mind games
2. He tells you how he feels far too soon
3. He talks to his mom several times a day
4. He’s president of the Academic Integrity Hearing Board at your university
5. He’s the friend who constantly goes on beer runs
6. He continues to contact you after you stood him up four times
7. He says you should take things slow… sexually
8. He listens to what you have to say and actually references it in later conversations. Ew.

So betches, if you find yourself entangled with a nice guy, don’t panic. Depending on how betchy you are, you can either ride this one out for fun to see how long he’ll keep coming back, no matter how many times you tell him his wardrobe is repulsive and that you hate kids and small animals. If you’re a nicer betch, you might tell him you’re just not that into him. Or, you could “wrong BBM” him something explicitly sexual with another bro’s name. Either way, you should wait until after your birthday to end shit just in case he has a cool gift lined up. We wouldn’t want anyone to waste their money, especially not on us.

You might also decide to keep him around on the off chance that he suddenly decides to become an asshole (yay!) and starts to ignore you. Then it’s only a matter of days before you’re in love with him and you can’t figure out why that is. Seeing him hook up with someone else usually does the trick. I don’t want you, but you’re certainly not allowed to fucking want anyone else!

Not to sound like total haters, it’s just that betches are very intriguing and complicated, and nice guys don’t fuck with our heads enough to keep us interested. A true betch won’t be won over with flowers and candy, instead the key to our hearts is to strategically ignore the fact that we’re hot shit and subtly insult us. Every betch knows the only thing hotter than a good actual fuck is a quality mind fuck.

Betch of the Week: Perez Hilton

11 Mar

While betches don’t actually #2 follow the news, there are certain things we must keep up with if we want to have anything to talk about with our betch acquaintances. I mean, what would we have to chat about if we couldn’t contribute our two cents on the breaking news that “Scarlett Johansson snuck away with Sean Penn for a seksi 24-hour getaway to Cabo San Lucas.” (Side note: we’re still trying to make sense of how we feel about this. Sean Penn is so old-man #19 ugly hot.) When we do want to be informed on what’s going on in the world Hollywood there’s really only one place we go.

www.perezhilton.com

Many betches might not even know who the president is if not for Perez’s coverage. He manages to make all that dull shit coming out of CNN interesting with his ridiculous doodles and betchy commentary. He’s living proof that if you #1 talk enough shit, it can make you extremely successful. He’s built an entire empire on the basis of shit talking.

You're telling me he isn't a betch?

He’s also hilarious. Remember that time he was accused of child pornography for putting up a picture of Miley Cyrus without panties? Good, we have shit with Miley too. He has shit with TONS of celebrities! Fergie is a great example. We agree with him on that one also. She looks like a constipated transvestite when she performs. Super Bowl halftime show?

Some of you might wonder how he can be a betch, he’s a man! His real name is Mario Armando Lavandeira Jr! Just so you know, a requirement for being a betch is not having a vagina. Betch is a state of mind.

We especially find Perez’s reputation for outing people to be soooo betchy and we wish we could make a living out of gossiping just like he does. Being partially responsible for outing Lance Bass? We already think that’s badass, and even more badass was his response to criticism for doing so. “If you know something to be a fact, why not report it?” That’s how we feel about things. If we know something’s betchy, we report it.

If we could have any gay bestie in the world, he would be it. We even have a similar interest in hot guys! But it’s mostly because he’s all about owning who you are, calling shit like it is, and keeping it real.

“Whether you like me or not, I’m not going away anytime soon. I don’t care if you like me, I just care if you read my website.”

It’s like he’s reading our minds.

19. Ugly Hot

6 Mar

It goes without saying that a betch is very aware of her own beauty and hotness. We know that it’s never okay to stray from our #5 diets, and that even if your boyfriend gets fat, that’s never okay for you. Looking hot on top of having an amazing personality is what defines you.

However, we realize that in this world, there is somewhat of a double standard at work. Ever been perplexed by that bro from high school who had a string of gorgeous girlfriends even though he vaguely resembled Hagrid from Harry Potter? Or that guy who has fucked almost every girl you know despite that fact that his greasy dark hair makes him look like Tim Burton? This is because this bro possesses something, one of the most unspoken qualities that betches love. He is Ugly Hot.

Yum.

It’s very apparent that an Ugly Hot guy is not classically good looking. In fact, many people on the street might look at you and wonder why you’re with that guy who’s clearly well below your attractiveness level. However, he still has that certain redeeming quality. Most often he’s hysterical, insanely cool, thinks he’s hot shit (and he actually is), and generally just oozes bro-yness. Suddenly it becomes easier to ignore his crooked nose, weak chin, chubby body, etc. because you’re mesmerized by his Ugly Hot vibe.

Since we’re making an exception for ugly people, let’s be clear. Ugly Hot is not your ex-boyfriend’s 250-pound dad who’s delusional enough to think that his 22-year old model girlfriend wants him for anything other than his money. Ugly Hot is not about appearance, it has to do with the attitude with which a guy carries himself and, most importantly, his game. Why am I so attracted to this bro whose facial hair is merging with his chest hair? Definite sign of Ugly Hot.

Ugly Hot is Jamie Lynn Siegler dating Turtle from Entourage. (Sorry, we don’t know his real name because even though he’s improved, he still slightly below our Ugly Hot threshold. Awkward.) Ugly Hot is Russell Brand dating Katy Perry. Is it because he’s the hottest Katy Perry can get? Obvs not, the girl’s a betch and can get anyone. But we doubt there are many girls out there who wouldn’t love to chill with the guy from Forgetting Sarah Marshall who sings “Inside of You” while humping the ground. We’d find anything hysterical in that accent.

Maybe it’s his bad ass attitude, maybe it’s his funny nature, maybe it’s that you just don’t get why he wouldn’t return a phone call from someone as hot as you. Whatever the reason, Ugly Hot can be SOOOO hot.

Sadly, we’re pretty sure this doesn’t work the other way around. For girls, no matter how funny or smart you are, a bro probably won’t even talk to you long enough to unearth these qualities. So betches, if you’re lucky enough to snag yourself an Ugly Hot gem, hold onto him because it’s much better than a guy with a six-pack who makes you feel suicidal every time he speaks. After all, even Marilyn Manson managed to be engaged to Evan Rachel Wood for a little while.

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